We got notified, last night, there would be no school, today. We ended up with freezing rain. It left a decent amount of ice covering everything. Adam decided he would go into the office around 9:00am, this morning. I wished he wouldn’t, but he didn’t listen to me. I’ve been checking in on him. He made it to work safely. He said the roads were ok, but were re-freezing now. So, that’s just great.

Since the kids are home, I got my son cleaning his bedroom. We made tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches together, for lunch. My daughter wanted to make some muffins, so we made those, this morning. Adam just text and asked me if we’re staying warm. I told him I’d just vacuumed the stairs and hallway upstairs, so I was actually kind of hot!

Jackie had gone over to Justin’s place, last night. He made her supper, and they hung out. She stayed over there, since the weather was starting to turn bad. It’s just me and my kiddos, today. My baby niece, Pj, is doing great. The doctor believes it was just a viral thing causing her rash. That was good news!

My watch says it’s only 28 degrees, outside. They’re calling for some snowflakes, later on this evening. Seems like a good kind of day to make some hot cocoa for everybody. I think I’ll go surprise the kids with some hot cocoa and marshmallows 😊

“I only talk to God when I need a favor. And I only pray when I ain’t got a prayer. So, tell me who the hell am I to expect a savior, if I only talk to God when I need a favor? But, God, I need a favor…”

~Jelly Roll

I really do try to be grateful for the good, and remember to thank God for it. I’m not always the best kind of Christian. I know I curse. I find plenty of ways to sin. I do have a deep love for Christ, though. There’s been plenty of times where He’s shown His love for me.

I was pregnant, with a baby boy, after my first born, but before I had my daughter. For awhile, I thought one child was enough. I had this little buddy, who was always with me. Then, I found out I was, unexpectedly, pregnant again. I started planning and buying things. We started work on a nursery, for him. When I was 12 weeks along, I went in for an appointment, and they couldn’t find his heartbeat. I went in for a sonogram. They told me he had died. I was sent home. Told I’d miscarry him in the following days. Only, I didn’t. I still felt pregnant. A week later, I felt my baby move. I felt my babies pretty early, in pregnancy. I had no bleeding or cramping at all. I went back to the doctor. They did blood work and another sonogram. Miraculously, he was still there. Strong heartbeat. That’s when I found out he was a boy. At fifteen weeks pregnant, I was on the phone with a friend of mine, from church. They’d been praying so hard for us. I was explaining that God had performed this miracle, and our baby was good. Suddenly, I felt this “pop”, inside, and started to gush blood down my legs. For some reason, I kept quiet, and just politely ended the phone call. I ran into the bathroom. I didn’t know what to do? It was a Saturday. We rushed to the hospital, only to be told, once again, that he had died. I couldn’t accept it. Even with all the bleeding. It couldn’t be! Why would God do this to me???

They assured me, my baby was gone. I insisted we wait and see. They gave me a few days, and did more blood work and sonograms. He was definitely gone, this time. It still makes me cry, after these years, remembering that ache I felt in my heart and soul. I had genuine anger at God. We had celebrated and thanked God for answering all the prayers! How could He?!

I had to go into surgery, because he was too big for my body to miscarry on its own. It was so incredibly hard to allow doctors to remove the life that once moved and grew inside of me. After testing, we discovered his placenta had not attached well, and it had slowly pulled away, taking the very thing that was sustaining life, from him. Although there was nothing I could’ve done, and I do know that, I still have so much guilt about it.

Days later, I was sitting on my couch. I was a mess of tears and anger. I grabbed my Bible, and opened it to a random page. The verse I came upon, was Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

I was overcome with this realization, that God had answered a prayer of mine. When they’d first told me my baby had died, I hadn’t gotten any sonogram images of my baby. I kept praying and crying that I hadn’t even gotten to see my baby. I had nothing to remember him by. I believe God gave me the opportunity to hear his heart beating, and to get the sonogram pictures that I still hold so dear. That was a gift. A blessing. I felt God’s love and comfort just envelope me, as I came to understand this. The sadness remained, but the anger was gone.

That night, I had the most amazing dream. We were sitting at a picnic table. My husband, our living child, and myself. This blonde haired little boy ran to me and called me “mama”. I knew he was my son. I called him “Blake”. This is what we decided to name that baby, after that dream. His name was Blake. I hadn’t ever even considered that, as a baby name, but this was so assuredly known, in my dream.

God is very real, for me. As real as the ground we stand on. I’m far from perfect, but I’ve never been angry with Him again. I no longer question Him. Sometimes, I ask Him to show me why. I don’t always understand why things happen the way they do. He always shows me, though. Sometimes it’s immediate. Sometimes, it takes awhile. I always understand why, eventually.

We need to celebrate our lives. Be grateful that you woke up, this morning. Be glad you have a job to do. Be thankful your belly is full, you have people who love you, you have a bed to climb into, when you need rest. It’s those things we so often take for granted. He performs miracles, everyday. We just have to open our eyes to see them.

Tonight, we’re having fried chicken, mashed potatoes, with country gravy, and green bean casserole.

Tomorrow, I’m planning to make some rotel dip and chips. You just take a couple cans of rotel, some cheese (I use velveeta), and brown ground beef or turkey seasoned with taco seasoning. Melt all those together. Serve with tortilla chips. We like to add sour cream on top, too. I’m already figuring everyone will be home, tomorrow, because of the winter weather. Wednesday is chili soup night. Thursday is my daughter’s favorite. Hawaiian hot ham and cheese sandwiches. For those, you need Hawaiian rolls (or buns), sliced ham (not honey ham, though), sliced Swiss cheese, worstershire sauce, melted butter, garlic and onion powder. I’m not much of a measurer, I’d guess I use about a 1 tsp of both the garlic and onion powder, and 1 Tbs of the worstershire sauce. Mix those into a stick of melted butter. Then brush onto the tops of your ham and cheese sandwiches. Bake at 350 for about 10-15 minutes. That’s Mj’s request for her birthday supper, every year. I always ask my family what they’d like for supper, on their birthday, and make it for them. 😊

I’m told that “gen alpha”, is known as the “iPad babies” and for loving to play with “slime”. I can confirm. We have a big basket of slime and slime accessories, on top of our fridge. My kids have all the electronic devices. They do go out to play. They still jump on the trampoline, mess around on their swing set, play with the dog. They’re loving the ping pong table, downstairs. I just wonder how they’ll remember their childhood? I played outside, every single day. We rode bikes all over. We built forts, went fishing, hiking. We played kickball. We shot a lot of nerf guns. My son used to have an insane collection of Nerf guns and accessories. He’s only recently started to outgrow those. He now has more powerful ones. They’re locked away, and he can’t use them without adult supervision. His BB gun looks like an AR rifle, so he thinks he’s pretty cool with that thing. My babies are growing up fast.

They were supposed to have their bedrooms cleaned, yesterday. My son assured me he would get it done. I went upstairs, after Pj left, and he was passed out asleep. His room did not get cleaned…

My daughter’s room, on the other hand…

They’re calling for some winter weather, tonight into tomorrow morning. Freezing rain/snow mix. I went to the store and got the “milk and bread”. We’re ready for whatever, now!

Last night, Adam was teasing me, as we got ready for bed. He was smacking my butt (playfully), saying he needed to keep me on track, since my behind is all better now. I told him that I was considering telling him he could fuck right off, but I wasn’t going to do it. I repeated, I was thinking you could fuck off, but didn’t say it. I was pushing it! It was silly, but he knew I was wording it that way, intentionally. I did earn a couple of “not so playful” smacks, but we mostly just mess around with each other. He’s really been on me about rolling my eyes or cursing at him, though.

We had a blast hanging out with baby Pj, last night! She slept in my arms, in the big comfy living room chair. I couldn’t keep my own eyes open, snuggling a warm sleepy baby! The poor thing had to get some immunizations, on Friday. She seemed to be doing well, but my sister FaceTimed me, this morning. Pj was developing a rash that had spread all over her body. They’re taking her into the doctor. We’re hoping it isn’t a delayed reaction to her shots.

Now that I’ve got all my errands run, I’m hunkering down, inside, just waiting for the cold storm to blow in. I thought about reorganizing my pantries, in the kitchen. I’ve got my house clean, laundry all done, groceries put away. There isn’t much that needs doing, today. I just heard the furnace cut on. The cold air is definitely arriving.

My sister and her husband went out, for the first time since Pj came along. They’d asked us to babysit. Of course I said absolutely! They get a nice evening, as a couple. We get to hang out with baby Pj.

Yesterday, we played cornhole, and Adam grilled us some burgers. Today has been a lazy Sunday, at home. We haven’t had much excitement, besides spending our evening with Pj. I hear her getting a little fussy, in the other room. I’m going to go see if I can help 😊

“Hallelujah g*d damnit, can I get a amen. I been blessed by our country. Had to work to get the win. Had me kickin’ doors down. They ain’t wanna let us in. Hallelujah g*d damnit, can I get a amen…They say when one door closes, another one’s gon’ open. Foot to the deadbolt, leavin’ the hinges broken. Hopin’ there’s no casualties, but fuck all the formalities. I had to make my way up, they said the top’s at capacity. Is it really bad of me to want my family to get to see the possibilities and build a family dynasty?”

~Adam Calhoun & Struggle Jennings

My taste in music is all over the place. My parents never censored my music choices, when I was a teenager. I don’t really listen to my more inappropriate stuff, in front of my kids, though. I grew up in a family of artists. Music artists, a children’s book illustrator, a painter, a couple people who do wood burning and exclusive carvings, an aunt who drew comics for the newspapers, a cousin who builds unique archery bows for high end clients, architects…lots of “artsy” people surround me. I find that I tend to appreciate all forms of “art”. Music is just my favorite. I used to draw, but I haven’t drawn in years. I like to paint finger and toenails, and do designs on them. I also enjoy playing with makeup and hair, and trying out new things.

Jackie and I are heading to some craft stores. We’re finding some things to make decorations for her sister’s baby’s birthday party, next weekend. We’ve got some cool ideas! I guess crafting is another one of those “artsy” hobbies I enjoy?

Last night, we hung out down in Jackie’s apartment. Justin and Adam played ping pong with us, for awhile. Then, they sat and talked to each other, while Jackie and I hit the ball back and forth. We’re getting pretty good at it! As the night went on, Jackie wanted some fries. Justin offered to go get her some, at a fast food place. Adam went along with him, on their “french fry run”. Earlier in the day, I’d had a couple packages arrive. After I opened them, I realized, they were 2 of the cashmere leggings that Jackie and I ordered. They’d come separate from the big box of things we’d gotten, last week. I resealed the bag, and Jackie was going to get them returned. While the guys were out, we got a wild hair, and decided to just try them on. When the guys got back, there we were, in matching cashmere leggings. I was a little afraid Adam might be mad, but he just shook his head. He told me to keep them, if I like them that much. He’ll pay for them. It turns out, I did get some new cashmere!

We’re grilling some burgers, later on. It’s a beautiful day. Warm and sunny. We talked about getting out the cornhole boards, and play a few games. It’s been a fun weekend, so far 😊

This is a very easy meal! Adam and the kids all enjoy it. All you need is,

1 pound ground beef (or turkey)

Taco seasoning

2 pizza crusts (I buy the Pillsbury dough that you get in those cans and then roll out onto a pan)

Pizza sauce

Shredded cheddar cheese

I make the pizza crust, as directed. Brown the ground beef and then add the taco seasoning. Spread pizza sauce over your crusts. Spread your seasoned ground beef over that. Top with shredded cheese. Bake until the cheese is melted.

It’s sooo easy, but so yummy! You can also add taco sauce, if that’s your thing 😉

I woke up, this morning, to my neck feeling so much better! A little sore, when I look up and down, but otherwise, I feel great!

I was limited, in what I could do, yesterday. I’m happy to be able to do my “normal” things. I got breakfast dishes washed. Made beds. I cleaned the bathrooms, on our main floor. I make my kids do their own bathrooms, upstairs. Every Sunday, their rooms get cleaned, they clean their bathrooms, and bring their bedding and hampers, of laundry, to get washed. I cleaned the inside of the fridge out. I washed all the main floor windows. I’m planning to get some cookies baked, this afternoon. I like to time it so that they’re coming out of the oven, right when my kids get home, after school.

I’m listening to Tom Macdonald’s new album, “The Revolution”. There’s a couple of songs that I like, so far. “Shit was fuckin’ cool”, is a great one. He’s had this new song, “Ghost”, blow up. I have to admit, it’s just not my thing. I’m glad for him, but it’s not my jam.

I’m not sure what we’re doing, this weekend. Jackie and Justin are going out to eat, tonight. Adam, the kids, and I are having pizza, at home. I’ve been craving French toast. I got all the stuff I need to make it, so I’m going to make it for breakfast, tomorrow. I’m in the mood to put out my Spring decorations, but it seems just a bit too early. It was super cold, yesterday. Today, the sun’s shining. It’s only supposed to make it to the upper 50’s, but the sunshine helps me feel better.

Next weekend, we’ve got a music night, at Poppy’s house. I’m excited to do that, again! We haven’t had one of those, since October. Jackie’s sister’s baby turns one year old, next Saturday, too. Her place isn’t big enough for a birthday party, so I offered to have it here, at our house. Jackie mentioned, I should tell Adam that I’d volunteered to do that. It was sweet because when I told him, he said, “Absolutely! You want me to grill something for everybody?” He loves that baby, too! We’ll have a birthday party, for a one year old, and then go party at my dad’s house. 😆

My sister took baby Pj over to visit our dad (Poppy), yesterday. I’m in love with this picture.

Chris Webby has several installations of his “raw thoughts”. Not exactly child appropriate, but very good, nonetheless. In my personal opinion.

I’m trying to allow myself to get “raw”. I’m feeling “heavy”, but I haven’t quite given myself permission to get a good look at the shadow that’s been following me around. I’m a grown ass woman, but I still sometimes get the feeling there’s a monster under my bed. I will stand several steps back, and jump into the bed. Imagine that feeling, and choosing to stand next to the bed, bend down, and peer underneath it, knowing there’s something there. It’s like that, for me, acknowledging some of the things that I know are lingering around me. Easier to just close the door and walk away. I don’t need to go in that room anymore, anyway…right?

I wrote the above, a few days ago. There’s no real “conclusion”. I still wanted to share it, anyway.

Last night, Adam and I were goofing around. I said something smart ass-ish, and he lifted me over his shoulder, intending to flip me over, on our bed. Neither of us was angry. We just like to wrestle around and be silly. Unfortunately, I overcorrected, attempting to land on my back, rather than my belly, and I landed on our bed in a way that hyperextended my neck. I heard the loudest crrrrack. For a moment, I thought, “oh my God…did I just break my neck?!” Adam was freaking out. He was super worried about me, and he felt absolutely terrible. To the point, he was very angry with himself. My neck is relatively fine, though. I just have, what’s commonly known as, “whip lash”. To top that off, like an idiot, I took an Aleve, hoping to relieve the ache. I am not really supposed to take nsaids, due to my chronic stomach ulcers. I can get away with taking a very occasional, small dose, but it was a dumb thing to do, considering I’m currently battling an ulcer. I wound up with horrible belly pain, for several hours. After taking just about every one of my medications meant for treating the stomach pain I get, I’m finally feeling a lot better. Jackie rubbed some cream on my neck for me. It has CBD in it. It helped my neck a ton! It’s been a long last night and day today, though. I’m sleepy.

I remembered to get the roast in the crockpot, for supper tonight. I’ve got carrots and potatoes cooking along with it. Adam is checking on me every hour, on the hour. I assure him I’m alright. He got me a Diet Mt Dew, to drink. I almost never drink soda. Ice water is my favorite drink. Specifically, crushed ice with tap water. That, and coffee. A Diet Mt Dew sounded good, to me, so he got me whole case of them.

Our daughter is learning to twirl, throw, and dance with flags. They call it “color guard”, but I’m not sure if that’s what it’s called everywhere? Our son is fixing to start baseball practice. Wrestling season has come to its end. His elbow is all healed, and back to normal.

I think that’s about all the excitement, for today.

Y’all, I hit 100,000 views, on my blog, today. I didn’t start out intending to be seen or heard. I have continued to only write my story. I know some days are not the most interesting, but it’s my life. This blog has been like therapy, for me. It’s helped me to process and get through a lot. To everyone who’s contributed to my views, I truly hope it blesses you, even in some small way. It touches me, when I see comments from people saying they can relate. Or, from folks who simply leave words of encouragement. I have some “regulars”, who I feel I’ve gotten to know here. I worry, when I haven’t heard from them in awhile. Thank you to anyone who’s reading this. Thank you for supporting me in this journey. It really does mean a whole lot to me ❤️

There’s still plenty of story yet to tell here. I appreciate all of y’all.