I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I’m not who I was

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I’m not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I’m not who I was

You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend it was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it’s a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I’m not who I was

I write about love and such
Maybe ’cause I want it so much
I’m not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know that I am not the same
But I never did forget your name, hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace is the chance to give it out
Maybe that’s what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I’m not who I was

~Brandon Heath

I was doing my morning routine. Walking around our house, tidying up, and fixing anything that’s out of place. I made the bed. Arranged the throw pillows on our couch. I folded a blanket the kids had left in the living room, last night, and put it away. They used to make “forts”, out of blankets. It’s been awhile, since they’ve done that. I began to imagine showing my mother who I am now. To show her my style. The way I decorated our new home. How my kids have grown. Their bedrooms are full of their own personal touches. Wyatt’s a little baseball star. He was on the wrestling team, this year. He’s grown, probably a foot, since she last saw him. Mj is a beautiful little girl. The last time my mother knew her, she was very into her dollhouse, and Barbie dolls. Mj insists on keeping the Barbie car my mother gave her. It was her birthday, three and a half years ago. My mother had come to our home, just days earlier. She was high, drunk, or likely both. She’d beat on windows, torn my flowers from their planters. She screamed how she was going to kill everyone inside. Then, she pulled into our driveway, on Mj’s birthday, and the kids were outside playing. Mj screamed, and ran into the house. She sobbed. We went outside, after my mother had gone. She’d thrown a birthday gift into our yard. It was Mj’s little Barbie car. I understand why it’s special to my sweet girl. Anything that makes you feel like my mother might’ve had some love for you, becomes precious. The memory of that day, when she came over with a present, is much harder for me, than most of the ones when she did cruel things. I feel guilty, even though we had such good reason to refuse to go out to her. Somewhere inside her, had she found a moment of clarity, and really just wanted to give my daughter that gift? Mj likes baby Yoda, (Grogu), now. She draws little cartoons. She started wearing a training bra, just recently. They’ve grown, so much. So have I. I’m not who I was. I’m stronger. I’m braver. I’m so much happier. My mother doesn’t know me, or my babies, anymore. I wish it wasn’t how it is, but I can’t make someone be somebody else. I’ve accepted this. Still, I feel a little nostalgic for something I haven’t even experienced. Like showing my mother around my new home.

I didn’t address the horrific Nashville news, from yesterday. We didn’t know anyone who attended the elementary school, where the shooting took place. My dad’s girlfriend has a good friend, who teaches there. She is ok, physically. Any loss of life is tragic. I can’t imagine what the families are going through. My heart breaks for them. I do have to say, I’m proud of our law enforcement officers, for reacting swiftly. While I’m saddened that any innocent lives were lost, I have to give credit to the men and women who eliminated the threat, without hesitation. We are all Nashville strong. Tennessee has made increasing efforts to prevent things like what happened. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world. We can’t predict, or prevent all the people who desire to cause harm. Every man, woman, and child who was thrust into yesterday’s horror will suffer trauma. It isn’t fair. There’s no sense to be made of it all. I’m praying for all of the families. I’m also hugging my own babies, just a little bit tighter.

Beyond the door, there’s peace I’m sure. And, I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven…Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven? Would you be the same, if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong, and carry on, ‘cause I know I don’t belong, here in heaven.

~Eric Clapton

Lie number one you’re supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you’re doing
Just smile and tell them, “Never better”

Lie number 2 everybody’s life is perfect, except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told
The truth is rarely told, now

I say I’m fine, yeah I’m fine oh I’m fine, hey I’m fine but I’m not
I’m broken
And when it’s out of control I say it’s under control but it’s not
And you know it
I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There’s no failure, no fall
There’s no sin you don’t already know
So let the truth be told

~Matthew West

We went to Poppy’s house, last night. My sister, Jackie, and me. He was so cute. I tried to help him peel the potatoes. He told me to sit down, relax, and let him serve us. He plated all our food, and brought it to us. He buttered our corn on the cob, put salt and pepper on our potatoes. He even cut our grilled chicken into slices. My dad is just the sweetest human. We sat out on his porch, talked, and laughed. It was a great evening.

I’ve known, for a few months, that my sister has let our mother back into her life. I know she visited our mother, back in December. I know that they are “friends”, on social media. Just because I don’t use Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, doesn’t mean I don’t have friends who do. They have asked me about some things they’ve seen. Our mother has sent some hateful messages, to our dad, too. She likes to do her best to hurt us, by throwing in our face, that she has my sister back under her “spell”. Although my sister knows what our mother has done, while we’ve been adults, she has no idea the extent of her cruelty. My sister had a very different childhood, from my brother and I. Our mother always treated my sister better. My sister never was hit. She was always allowed to receive affection from our dad, and our mother gave it freely to her, as well. I begged to get my belly button pierced, when I was 15 years old. My mother wouldn’t allow it. When my sister turned 15, our mother took her to get her belly button pierced. That seems like a small thing, but it’s one example of many times she sent the clear message to me, I love your sister more, and I enjoy hurting you. She never supported me when I did cheer, or ran track, or played volleyball. She didn’t wear the pins the school gave parents, with my sports pictures on them. She wasn’t there, when I received academic awards. Not once, did she tell me I did a good job. She never missed my sister’s things. My brother was treated worse than I was. Our dad was the only person who gave us unconditional love. He just wasn’t home, to see our life very often, when we were kids.

I’ve never blamed my sister, for her childhood. I’ve never been angry with her, about the things I didn’t get from our mother. She doesn’t even know so much of these things that my brother and I do. I’m worried, for her. I’m afraid she’s going to get hurt. I’m sure of it, actually. I can’t tell her what to do, though. I can’t describe how uncomfortable it makes me, knowing our mother will be so near, this coming weekend. I’m terrified she’ll show up, at my door. I will have to make certain all doors and windows are locked. I will have to keep a very watchful eye on my children. It’s a stress I didn’t imagine myself having to experience again.

I wish my mother dead. I’m aware of how awful, and unchristian that makes me. It’s the truth, anyway. My ultimate wish, would be for her to be truly sorry, and to be the mother I’ve dreamt she could be. But, that’s not ever going to happen. I understand this, all too well. My only other hope, could be that she didn’t exist. That way, she couldn’t hurt us anymore. She wouldn’t be able to use my sister. My baby niece wouldn’t have to know a “grandma” who’s incapable of ever truly loving her. I’m not sure I can describe the way I feel. It isn’t anger. It’s not hate. I wouldn’t call it sadness, exactly. I want nothing from my mother. I want to enjoy the people who matter. I want to trust that those who care about me today, will care tomorrow. I want to feel safe.

Saturday, we had a blast. Jackie and Justin played cornhole, with Adam and I. Jackie and I are always on the same team. The guys grilled burgers. After supper, we sat outside, and lit the fire pit.

Yesterday, we babysit Pj. My sister and her husband went to see the new “John Wick” movie. Adam and Wyatt cut the grass, trimmed all the edges of the yard, and used the leaf blower to clean off the driveway and sidewalk. It looks great!

My dad had been asking for Jackie, my sister, and I to find an evening we could come over to his house, for supper. We’re doing that tonight. I’ve got rotel dip and chips, for Adam and the kids to eat, tonight. I cooked a pound of ground beef, added the taco seasoning, and then 3 cans of rotel diced tomatoes and green chilis. I cut up some Velveeta cheese, and added that into my dip, in the crockpot. I’ll leave it on “keep warm”, so it’s ready for them to eat later on. I also invited Justin and my sister’s husband, to come eat with Adam and the kids.

It’s another sunny and beautiful day. We’ve had some gorgeous Spring weather, the last few days! I’ve got something that’s happening, in the background of my life. I’m just not ready to face it, yet. I’m going to have no choice, in a few days. I will probably end up letting it all out in my writing, tomorrow. All I want to do is enjoy this day, and all the other amazing ones we’ve had. It’s hard to let my brain wander into territory that shakes up my joy. Sometimes, I wish I could escape to somewhere the bad stuff couldn’t find me. As much as I’m trying to put on my happy face, the cracks are beginning to show. My people are noticing. I’m pissed off. I’m hurt, and I’m confused. How could she let this happen? And why the fuck hasn’t SHE been warning me? My sister has been speaking to our mother. Our mother is flying here, to where we live, this coming weekend. I did not learn this from my sister. I’ve known a lot more than she knows I do, because I have people too. I’ve avoided the subject, for the most part. The couple times I’ve brought up our mother, my sister has completely denied all of the things I know are true already. I love my baby sister. I love my sweet niece, Pj. I also feel a whole lot of things at once, knowing what’s happening, behind my back. I’ll get into it, later. Not today. I need to fix my smile on, and let it go for one more day. I can’t do it today.

It’s gorgeous here, today! Sunny, and right around 70 degrees. Perfect jeans and t-shirt weather. Adam went into work. I broke down, and went to T-Mobile and got my kids iPhones. I wouldn’t let them have “smart” phones, until now. They’ve been begging Adam and I, for awhile now. We get the typical. “All my friends have one”, argument. I have a couple of very happy kiddos, now.

I made 17 hamburger patties, for Adam to grill us tonight. I’ve got a package of hotdogs (Mj won’t eat burgers), and some brats. Im making some pasta salad, and have some chips we can eat. Jackie and Justin are coming over soon. Adam just walked in the door. He came into the kitchen, like always, and he kissed me “hello”. He told me I look really pretty. My heart still flutters, when he says things like that to me. ❤️

Oliver is supposed to be taking it easy, but he’s back to my energetic, ornery dog, now. I’m struggling to keep him calm. He just wants to run and jump and play, like usual. I’m very glad he’s healing so well, though! Yesterday, he would not leave Mj’s side. When she came home, from school, he insisted on touching her at all times. It was sweet.

They normally play “hide and seek”, or jump on the trampoline, after school. Mj always says that Oliver is her best friend. Diesel, my old man dog, is a bit of a grouch. He loves me. He obeys me amazingly. He just doesn’t much care for very many other people. Oliver loves every living being! He especially loves the kids, though.

I don’t have much else to write about, today! Well, there is something that’s been brewing, but I’m not in the mood to address it, today. That’s usually how I do things. I push them down, as long and as hard as I can, until they spill over, and I’m forced to acknowledge an issue. It’s nothing I’ve done. It has to do with my mother, and my sister. I just don’t feel like talking about it, yet. Instead, I’m going to enjoy this perfect day, with my beautiful family. I hope all y’all are having as wonderful a Saturday as I am!

That’s the title of the opening song, for Son’s of Anarchy. I have all the “songs of anarchy”, in a playlist, on my iTunes. They had some great music, on that show.

I ordered our groceries, for the next week, yesterday. I’m sitting in the waiting area, waiting for someone to bring them to me. It’s absolutely pouring rain. I’m regretting choosing to pick them up, rather than delivered to my door. I had planned to be running some other errands, so thought I’d save a couple bucks, and just pick it up. Now I’m going to have to carry all these groceries inside, when I get back home. I only did one other errand, because I had to. I’m putting my other plans on hold. I’m already soaking wet, just from getting in and out of my car. It’s warm, and very humid out. I’m glad it’s not cold, but I’m tired of clouds and rain.

I can still smell Adam’s deodorant and cologne, on my neck and shoulder. I slept on his chest, with his arm around me. I can also feel last night’s activities. For our first time having sex, in too many days, we weren’t particularly gentle. I really missed my husband. I love his smell. Running my hands up and down his body, and feeling the “V” shape it makes, from his hips up to his broad shoulders. His hands are rough. Such a contradiction, as he rubs them against my soft skin. I like to put my fingers through his hair, and pull it, just a little bit. When we were finished, I curled up next to him, and twirled my fingers through his chest hair. He has a perfect little tuft of it, right in the center of his chest. It’s just enough for me to play with, before I fall asleep. Adam softly caresses my arm.

We talked about going out to eat, this weekend, to celebrate our anniversary. I would rather grill something at home, with him. We can work on the bonus room area. Maybe do some flower shopping, and start making our outside areas look pretty again. It’s supposed to be sunny and warm, all weekend. Justin and Jackie should come over and play cornhole with us, Sunday afternoon.

Well, my groceries are in my trunk now, so I’m going to head home.

My poor Oliver Twist woke up this morning, sore as heck. He walked out of his kennel, so slow and stiff. I fed him, right away, so I could go ahead and give him his pain medicine. I could tell, fairly quickly, that helped. However, he is also taking a sedative, for the next few days, and he’s loopy as I’ll get out.

Yesterday, my period decided it wasn’t quite ready to be done. Adam and I had some fun, in our shower, though. His fingers wandered down my body, and he pleasured me easily. I didn’t finish him, until we went to bed. My mouth managed to both please him, and piss him off. Earlier, we were talking with some friends, in our kitchen. I rolled my eyes, at Adam. He announced, “That’s one.” I told him to shut up. He said, “That’s two.” When we had gone into our bedroom, getting ready to hop in the shower, Adam told me I had those two spankings coming. I told him, he could fuck right off. He picked me up, sat on our bed, put me over his knees, and proceeded to administer three swats, to my rear end. I think we both were satisfied with the results. I’m not sore. It wasn’t that bad. We just got to share a connection we haven’t, in a long while.

The weather has been nice, today. Sunshine and mid 70’s. I’m making chicken, for supper. I take chicken breasts, and season them. I lightly spray a 9×13 baking dish, and place my chicken inside. Then, I use cream of chicken soup, and smother my chicken in it. If you can find it, the cream of chicken with herbs is my favorite one to use. It can be hit and miss trying to find it in stores, though. I bake it, covered, at 375, for about an hour. Then, take it out, remove the tin foil, and sprinkle french fried onions on top. Put it back in the oven for about 15 minutes. The chicken comes out moist and tender, with lots of flavor. We’re having a lettuce salad with, tonight. I’ve got grape tomatoes, cucumber slices, carrots, feta cheese, croutons, and Italian dressing, to go on the lettuce and spinach leaves. Seems like a good, “summery” meal.

It’s Adam and my anniversary, on Sunday. I want to go flower shopping, with him. I’m anxious to get to filling my outdoor pots with some pretty flowers, again. We’re also going to work on our basement bonus room area, this weekend. Now that Jackie is all moved out, we’ve got to figure out just how we want to set that all up. I’ve got some ideas.

My period has decided to be done, for this month, finally. As excited as I am to eat the supper we’re having, I’m most ready to get my husband in bed, with me…

My goodness, it’s been a busy day! My Oliver dog had his appointment, to get neutered, today. I got up early, got myself dressed, and gulped down some coffee. I got the kids up, fed, and off to school. Then, it was time to bring Oliver to the vet clinic. I felt horrible leaving him. He was very confused. He kept stopping, and looking back at me, as the tech walked him down the hallway. My eyes welled up with tears, as I drove away.

I needed to swing by the grocery store, and pick up a few random things. By the time I got home, it was after 10:00am. I put my groceries away, got a couple loads of laundry done, washed breakfast dishes, made the beds, cleaned all the bathrooms, and straightened up the living room. I made myself scrambled eggs, and wrapped them with chopped green peppers, diced tomato, and some hot sauce, in a tortilla shell. As much as I love cheese, as must be apparent here in my recipes, I actually don’t prefer it with eggs. So, I don’t add any cheese to my breakfast style burritos. Once I’d finished that, it was already time to go get Oliver. Jackie offered to ride with, so she could help me get him home. I picked Jackie up, at her place. Poor Ollie was still so woozy, from the sedation. Jackie helped to hold him, so he wouldn’t tip over in the car, while I navigated traffic, to get home.

I had specifically chosen a pair of men’s boxer briefs, for this occasion. You can put them on the dog, backwards. I pulled his tail through the front hole, and used a hair tie to hold the loose parts up. This prevents him from being able to lick his surgical site. We’ve had to keep a good eye on him, while the anesthesia drugs wear off. They sent me home with pain medication, for him. They also sent some sedative pills, to keep him calm, over the next few days, so he can heal.

Mj had some homework she needed my help with. Wyatt had baseball practice. Adam picked Wyatt up, after he got off work. I needed to make supper. I had an extra pound of cooked ground beef, I’d saved when I made a bunch for another meal. I got that out, and made a hamburger helper boxed meal, for us. I just finished cleaning our supper dishes. Mj is taking a bath. Adam and I are going to hop in the shower, soon. After that, it’s bedtime, and I can’t wait! Although, I wouldn’t mind making a little time to reacquaint myself with my husband’s body…

Oh girl, you stand by me.

I’m forever yours, faithfully.

~Journey

When Adam and I were newly married, and just starting our family, he was also beginning to grow his business. He worked 7 days a week. He might be home, between 10:00pm-4:00am, if I was lucky. While he did an amazing job of getting his small business to take off, and bringing in more money than we ever had before, I was miserable. He missed out on all the memories we were making, without him. Birthdays, holidays, vacations. I dreamed of having him at home, every night, to sit at the table and eat supper with our family. Still, I never once strayed. I never even considered it. That’s not to say that there wasn’t opportunity. More than once, Adam and I were solicited from people from our past, and even a few from the present. Men and women we thought were our friends, who decided to try and push their way in, while they knew we were struggling. It was never permitted, though. There have been people who’ve wanted what Adam and I have. Rather than seek it out, for themselves, they tried to take it from us. I’ve learned that I can trust my husband. I believe he’s devoted to his family. I know he loves me. I have no problem cutting a bitch from my life, if she tries anything with my man, though.

Awhile back, an acquaintance of mine had sent me an innocent seeming text message. I replied. Before I knew it, my phone was ringing darn near daily, with his number flashing on my screen. I ignored him. I figured he’d get the hint. Then, one day, he came to our door, while Adam was at work. When I didn’t answer, he sent me some hateful, threatening texts. I also got a nasty voicemail, after several unanswered calls. Finally, I told Adam about this escalation of events. I had been telling myself I was being dramatic. I thought I would be causing a scene over something that I was just taking the wrong way. This guy was kind of clueless. Maybe he truly didn’t realize he was crossing the line? After he’d come to our house, and started to get angry and mean, I couldn’t deny my gut feelings any longer. Adam is a kind and gentle man, but I’ve seen another side of him, when he’s protecting his family. I have no idea what Adam did, after I told him. He said he would take care of it, and I haven’t heard a thing from that guy, since.

I had a long conversation, with Adam, last night. He had felt me pulling away, recently. He’s not wrong. I haven’t quite been myself. That’s because he hasn’t been himself, either. He’s been emotionally distant. Not listening to things I’ve told him. I can’t tell y’all how many times I’ve told him something, only to have him claim he didn’t know the very thing I told him, just days earlier. He’s assured me he would do some things, and hasn’t done them. When it all combines, in such a short period of time, I can’t help but wonder, what the hell? I told Adam about something I heard, not long ago. It was in a podcast. They said, “Women need emotional intimacy from a man, before they want a physical connection. Men need physical intimacy from a woman, to experience emotional connection.” When things get thrown off balance, it can be a circular struggle. I think there’s truth to that. Adam noticed I’d been less physically responsive to him. I’d felt him distant emotionally.

He talked to me about some things, at work. He’s under a lot of pressure. He doesn’t want to take any frustration out on me, so he hasn’t been talking to me as much. I wasn’t hearing from him, through the days, the way I’m used to. He wasn’t really “present”, when he was home. Naturally, I couldn’t feel the connection I needed, to show him physical expressions of love. We were both highly aware that something was “off”.

As we got dressed, last night, after our shower, Adam lifted my chin, so I was looking him in the eyes. He told me he was sorry. I must’ve appeared stone faced, because he looked hurt, and on the verge of frustration. I told him, I couldn’t talk just yet, because I didn’t want to cry. Then, I couldn’t hold back the wave of tears that came pouring out. He pulled me into his arms, and held me. I had one of his t-shirts, in my hand. I was about to put it on, before the flood of tears came. He took it from me, and wiped my face dry. I told him I was going to wear that. He said he’d get me a new one. He brought me another clean t-shirt of his. Then, he put the one he’d just wiped my tears with, on himself. I looked quizzically, at him. He said he needed to own those tears I’d cried, and do better.

I wish I could say we’d made love, last night, but I was on my second day of my period, crampy, and emotional. Instead, I slept with Adam’s arms wrapped around me, all night long. I had told him, I have absolutely no problem with him snooping through my phone, if he wants to. He knows my passcode is “secret”. Yep, spell out secret, that’s my phone’s passcode. I do take issue, if he’s searching for something he’s expecting to find. I never do that to him. I’ve snuck a look at texts he’s sent to friends, out of pure curiosity, but never believed I’d find anything upsetting. Not since we’ve said our marriage vows, anyway. I need him to trust me, the way I trust him. We’re not one another’s possessions. We’re neither disposable, nor can we hang onto each other, if one of us refuses. We have to give ourselves away. When I tell him I’ve given myself over to him, I fucking mean it. And, deep down, I’m sure he knows that.