It’s Friday. I got our my bill planner book, and paid or scheduled all the bills I needed to take care of. I’m actually way ahead on our mortgage payments, and I’ve been staying on top of everything. The kids needed more lunch money, for school. The school charges their lunches, if their balance runs out, and then send emails billing what’s owed. I’d forgotten to send lunch money with them, for a few days. Yesterday, Adam saw that I hadn’t gotten that done, and he called me out on it. I had cash ready to go, but it kept escaping my mind. Adam has been asking me to get that done, all week. When he saw that I hadn’t, he told me I’d be getting a spanking. I thought that was excessive, and I didn’t agree with his insistence that it was justified. I didn’t get angry, with him, but I didn’t understand why this was such a big deal, to Adam. When we went into our bedroom, he explained, “It’s like any other bill. You need to be responsible with it. I also asked you specifically to get it taken care of, for days. When I tell you to do something, I expect it to get done.” Hearing Adam lay it out that way, I realized why he felt the way he did. I really didn’t want my butt to be sore. I understood why, though. Honestly, he didn’t spank me nearly as hard as he could’ve. I think he took pity on me, since I’d just gotten a bad one…the worst one. It didn’t feel good, but I didn’t shed any tears.
We had another good shower talk. When Adam and I were fighting, the other night, he’d said something to me that bothered me. In his exasperation, he’d asked me, “What do you want me to do, then? You want me to punch you?” Although I’ve never once been afraid of him hurting me, not ever, that caught me off guard. So, last night, I brought it up. Adam and I have never really had a “boundaries” conversation. He’s never once crossed any of my lines, though. He knows them. Even so, I needed to discuss some of these things. I told Adam, I give no consent for him to punish any part of my body, besides my behind. Sexual things, and parts, are off limits. My face is never to be messed with. He looked at me with such a hurt expression, on his face. I reminded him of what he’d said to me, the other night. He said, “Baby, I would never hurt you. I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve never, and would never put my hands on you in anger. If I ever got so angry, that I wanted to hurt you, I would always walk away. I’ve never been that angry, though. I love you. I don’t want you to think I would ever do anything like that. Sex is completely separate from punishments. That’s never going to be something I will do to you, either. I promise you.” Hearing those words, coming directly from my husband’s mouth, that reassured all of my insecurities. We’d had the conversation. We both got to say our peace. I trust what he tells me. We’re good.
This morning, I was wanting to go thrift shopping, with Jackie. I’d texted Adam, to make sure he wouldn’t care.
We found some great stuff! It’s been an awesome day. Justin and Adam are here now, and we’re all just finishing up some pizza. We’re fixing to go downstairs, and play some cornhole. ❤️
Sometimes some girls make it easy on you. Some girls never do…
Jameson Rodgers
Yesterday afternoon, Jackie came over. It was a beautiful, sunny day. We sat outside, and waited for Justin and Adam to get off work. Our new TV had arrived, and I had a few other projects for the boys. They got everything finished, downstairs, and it looks great!
I made a big batch of sloppy joes. We all ate supper, and went out to the patio. Everybody sat out and bullshitted. At 9:00pm, it was time to get the kids to bed, and get Adam and my shower done. Justin and Jackie left. We put kids to bed, and then it was just Adam and me time. I read him my blog post, from both yesterday, and the day before. I felt like explaining my thoughts, from the day he’d messed with our thermostat, would help to give him more of my own perspective. He listened intently, and told me that all made sense, to him. We talked about how he could more easily let me know, when he’s really serious about things. Adam almost never calls me by my name. If he texts or says it out loud, I know he means business. I explained this, and Adam recognized that could be a good way to distinguish between teasing me, versus signaling his seriousness, in any situation. I could tell he’s been pondering over things, and genuinely wanting to prevent another night like the one we’d just experienced.
Adam melts, when I get upset. If I cry, he immediately softens, and wants to understand. If I get angry, and I defy him blatantly, it shakes his confidence. I truly haven’t ever abused this knowledge. I hate crying in front of anyone. I get frustrated with my weak ass self, when I cry! One thing my mama taught me, was to never let them see you cry. If she was angry, and I showed that kind of weakness, it only meant I had shown her exactly how to hurt me most. It gives a perfect insight, into what can be done or said to hurt me. It’s a strange thing, how I can know my tears are actually a weakness, for Adam. But, I can’t untrain my body and brain, from remembering don’t show weakness. The boyfriend I left home for, at 17 years old, was the same as my mom. If he hurt me, and I cried about it, he’d only get angrier. So, I never whip up any “fake tears”, for sympathy. Sometimes, I simply cannot stop them, though. “Puffing up my chest”, and acting “hard” and tough, that is much easier for me to do, when I’m upset. If I’m feeling hurt, or threatened, I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they’ve succeeded in doing so. All 5’2” tall, 92 pound me, will step to anyone, if I feel backed into a corner. I honestly realize, Adam knows this too. He understands me on such a deep level. More than anyone, except for maybe Jackie. He knows parts of me that she doesn’t. She probably knows parts that he hasn’t seen, too. When I’ve calmed down, and I see pain in my husband’s eyes, I feel horrible. I know damn well, he doesn’t want to hurt me. He hates to see my tears. He won’t “fight” me, no matter how angry, arrogant, bitchy, mouthy, I get. He isn’t going to harm me. I don’t need to escalate myself to that “fight or flight” level. I think it’s a trigger inside of me that I’m truly not sure I can change? Adam asked me, “Do you know why I spank you?” I think I’d just stared blankly, but he continued, “Because I can get your attention, let you know I’m serious, without actually hurting you.” And, he’s right. I completely agree! I accept it. I appreciate it. I know it’s been a huge benefit, for our marriage, for Adam, and especially, for myself. I’m not an unwilling participant here. I’m not afraid of my husband! My unexpected reactions can stem from things that have nothing to do with anything he’s done to me. I can be frustrated with him, but respond in my old ways, to that frustration. I follow the old script. The one I grew up learning, all those years. I want to “unlearn” those things, but I don’t know if that’s possible? I know I appreciate and love Adam, and all of his patience and understanding, with these things. I couldn’t count how many times he’s dropped everything, to make sure I’m okay. To do his very best to assure me of his love, even if I’ve lost my shit. Even when he’s bringing me into “his office”, there’s a gentleness he never lets go of. He isn’t harsh. He isn’t cruel. He does his utmost, to ensure I understand every why that’s led us here. My God, I have a husband who dearly loves me. Dear readers, please don’t ever mistake what’s essentially just my “diary” here, for a plea for help. I’m human. I need to express myself. I trust my husband, more than any person on this planet. He is the best man I know. I believe he’s the best one in existence, actually.
Last night was a rough one. Adam came home, and he wasn’t in a bad mood. I’d told him a couple pretty minor things, just because I wanted to know we had a “clean slate”, and I wasn’t keeping anything from him. It was seriously nothing big at all. He wanted to go in “the office”, to “discuss” this. Whatever…I went with it. When he put me over our bed, lifted my sundress, and then pulled my panties down, I got angry. I squirmed and protested. I don’t know what the fuck I wanted. I didn’t want a spanking, because I didn’t feel I’d done anything deserving of that. However, he and I both know, if he had let it go, I’d have taken that a certain type of way. Adam’s been real big on boundaries, lately. I haven’t been able to make him “bend”. I think there’s this internal fight I’m having. I want, hell I need him to be consistent. If he flip flops on rules or boundaries, I don’t respect them the way I do when he’s consistent. The other voice inside me screams, because she’s losing her power. I got frustrated, that all my best efforts couldn’t sway him. Like, dammit…I don’t want to be able to “win”, but yet I’m desperately fighting for power, at the same time. It’s a difficult thing to explain in words.
Adam never wants to be unfair, harsh, or especially, to hurt me. I love him for that. While I didn’t want him to spank me at all, the fact that it was sort of playful and in no way memorable, only added to my frustrations. Why did we have to go through “all of this”, when he clearly didn’t feel it was a big deal either? I felt like he pretended to care about things that he claimed mattered, but didn’t really. Anger and frustration absolutely boiled over inside me. I refused to give Adam any “yes sir”, in response to his questions, when he let me up. I laid on our bed, and stared through him. I gave him no words, whatsoever. He left me in our room. A few minutes later, he returned. He tried to talk to me again, but I continued to simply glare at him. I also blatantly rolled my eyes at him. Finally, I could see his own frustration had reached its max. He walked out, once more. I stayed awhile longer. Then, I went into our bathroom and threw my hair into a high ponytail. It was a mess, after all that had just occurred. I went out to the kitchen, and cooked our supper.
The following few hours, Adam and I barely spoke, except through text messages. I tried to tell him what I was feeling and thinking, but I don’t think I could have processed all of this yet, either. I wasn’t quite sure why I was feeling or acting this way. I didn’t understand much of my own reaction. I didn’t want to “win”. I have periodically had this thought bubble up, if I hold my ground long enough, not even Adam can help me. I haven’t ever made a conscious choice to do it, and I never planned it to happen, but it did. I was disappointed in myself, for my actions. I was also disappointed that Adam seemed to have just given up. I was sad. I was mad, I was confused. I was conflicted. I searched for words, to give clarity to both Adam and myself. I struggled to find them, though. He was upset with me, but I was upset too. I was really hurting. It was such a lonely and miserable feeling, believing I’d convinced my husband not to try anymore.
The truth was, he hadn’t “given up”. He’d given me time to think, and to cool off. He’d given himself time to do the same. I’d gone into our bathroom, to be alone. I didn’t want anyone to see me so upset. Adam and I continued our “text war”. He was in the living room. I sent one particular text to him, where I said, “You can’t handle it if I push back on you? That gives me lots of confidence.” I heard him get up, and heavy footsteps neared our bathroom. The door flew open. He went into our closet, and emerged holding his belt. He sat in front of me, silently daring me to keep pushing him. I wasn’t ready to back all the way down, yet. I softened my tone, and my words, but I ignored the threat he wielded in his hands. He turned on the shower, sat the belt down, undressed, and got in. I followed him in. Our naked shower talks are always the most raw and honest ones. There’s just something about being naked together, with nowhere to hide, that brings all the truths out.
Adam told me I’d put him in an impossible position. He knew, if he let this go, I would repeat what I’d done. He told me, if he let it go, I’d have essentially “cut off his balls”. I don’t ever want Adam to want to hurt me. I don’t like pissing him off. I don’t enjoy getting spanked. What I do want, is to know when he actually freaking means it. I need to believe him. A playful slap on my butt is fine! It’s all in fun. Going through all the trouble to appear serious, and then telling me he’s not really, with a couple little smacks, that frustrates the hell out of me. He wants me to know the difference between when he means it, and when he’s just messing with me. I want to understand, too! In my mind, he was either not serious, when he brought me into “the office”, or he was afraid of me. My protests had weakened his resolve. I could convince him to do whatever I wanted. I truly can convince Adam to do most anything for me, but I don’t want my bitchy, stubborn, arrogance to be one of the ways I’m able to do that. I want to persuade him through careful, thoughtful, respectful words and actions. Despite this awareness I have, I get mad sometimes, and I try him. I try my very worst “tools”, to get what I think I want. Even though, soon, I recognize that wasn’t what I wanted at all. I didn’t want it to work. I want to know that if I push against my “rock”, he won’t budge. I also want to get to a place where I won’t, can’t, or don’t push him anymore.
After an hour in the shower, talking through this mess we’d made, calmer heads prevailed. Adam ended up giving me the very worst spanking I’ve ever gotten.
I’d just stepped out, from the shower. Adam handed me a towel. He said something about needing to “get this over with”. I didn’t get a chance to respond. I hadn’t even gotten my towel wrapped around my body yet. I clumsily attempted to cover my backside with my towel, but he was quicker than me. He sat on the side of our bathtub, pulled me over his knees, and brought his hand down hard and fast. He covered my entire behind with many repeated swats. I was crying out like I’ve never done before. “Owwwwwie!” “Pleeeease” and “NOOO”! When he finally let go of me, I sank down to the floor. I still held my towel in my hands. I covered my face with it, wiping away tears. Adam gave me a minute there, before he reached out his hand for me to grab ahold of. I looked up at him, and hesitated a moment, before taking his hand. He pulled me up. We got ready for bed. It was late. The kids had been in bed for two hours already. When I walked to our bed, Adam was waiting for me. He held the blanket up, for me to climb in next to him. I put my arms around him, for the first time all day, and laid my head on his chest.
He was still home when I got up, this morning. As I stood in the kitchen, loading my Keurig coffee machine with some much needed caffeine drink, he came up behind me. He wrapped his arms around me, and kissed the top of my head. Then, he gave me his sideways grin, and asked me how I slept. I declined to answer, and instead responded with a sigh and a shoulder shrug. I texted him, awhile ago. I apologized for last nights awful mess. He’d claimed I “lied” to him, because when he told me he was going to spank me, I asked him “what’d I do?” We both knew full well why it was gonna happen, but I guess I just wanted to hear him tell me. He continued to insist that I lied to him, pretending not to know why, and that had made the spanking worse. I still think it would’ve been the exact same experience on my behind, regardless of this “so called ‘lie’”…
And everything I can’t remember As fucked up as it all may seem The consequences that I’ve rendered I’ve gone and fucked things up again…
…and it’s been awhile, since I said I’m sorry
~Staind
Last night, in the shower, I kind of laid into Adam. He made me mad! He turned the AC on, without mentioning this, and he set it at 75 degrees. We always agreed to 78, in summer. Since he hadn’t mentioned it, I had also had windows wide open, throughout the house. I had literally just mentioned this, in my blog! I called him a hypocrite and a liar. I lectured him. I went on about all the shit he gave me, all winter, if I dared to touch the thermostat. This issue grew larger than necessary. I did become disrespectful. I was so angry, though! Finally, Adam admitted that he shouldn’t have done that. He insisted, he never punished me, for turning up the heat. I retorted, he did give me plenty of hell. He spent time and energy to explain to me why I shouldn’t do that, especially since we’d agreed to leave it at that temperature. He told me to put more layers of clothes on, if I was cold. Here we are, now that it’s getting warmer, and he’s the one complaining. He’s sneaking around, messing with the thermostat. I explained, if he seriously “means it” about an issue, I need to know. When he does shit like this, it tells me he’s either a hypocrite, or he never really meant it. That’s incredibly frustrating, for me! He did acquiesce, after a few rounds of arguing our sides. He promised not to do that again, because he expects me to follow our agreement during wintertime.
Unfortunately, I had done some things. I rolled my eyes, a couple times. I also might’ve said a fuck off, in my frustration. When we got out of the shower, Adam got his turn to lecture me. He told me he’s very serious about not being disrespectful. He reminded me, he never does or says things like that to me, when he’s upset with me. He apologized for turning the AC on, and going against our arrangement. Then, he pulled up the towel I had covering my body, and spanked me. He insists, he won’t tolerate my eye rolls, middle fingers, or disrespect anymore. I wasn’t happy, but we ended the our night making love, and forgiving one another.
Today, I’ve had some things on my mind. There’s a couple of things I’ve kept from him. Nothing horrible. I’ve neglected to mention them, though. I guess it’s extra on my mind, after last night. I was so upset with him, and here I am screwing up too.
Last night, I had a wave of exhaustion that hit me hard and fast. I went and snuggled Adam, in his chair, and fell asleep. I woke up, about an hour later, with a horrible stomach ache. I spent the majority of the night tossing and turning, in bed. Adam doesn’t like me to go lay out on the couch, when I can’t sleep. He always says he’d rather I roll around in bed, with him, than go in another room, and do it without him. So, I stayed in our bed, next to Adam, and did my best to sleep through my sickness.
I woke up, this morning, and the nausea and stomach ache were mostly gone. I still felt very sleepy, though. I got the kids up and ready for school, and then I laid on the couch. I turned on an ID channel show. I slept for awhile, and got up around 11:00am. I washed my face, got dressed, and made myself get moving. I made the beds, cleaned the kitchen counters, wiped the appliances down, and put away the clean dishes. I picked Wyatt up, after school. He cleaned his baseball locker out, now that the season has ended. He had a whole bunch of equipment to bring home, so we loaded it into my car. I had this week’s groceries delivered. The kids helped me bring them inside, and put them away. I’m making meatball subs, for supper. I bought pre made meatballs. I’ll just cook them in pasta sauce, and then put them on the sub rolls with some mozzarella cheese. I’ve got a cantaloupe to cut up, too. Meatballs don’t sound particularly appetizing, to me, but the cantaloupe does.
The curtains I ordered, for the basement, arrived. I got them hung in those windows. It’s looking real cute down there! I also have a shelf to set up under where the TV is mounted. Wyatt and Adam will have to put it together. Wyatt loves projects like that. Adam does them, for me, but they’re definitely not exciting for him, the way they are for our son. If I’ve got a loose screw, in a cabinet or a door jam, Wyatt’s always happy to be asked to “fix” it. I’m perfectly capable of most the little odd jobs, but I get a kick out of seeing the pride in my boy, when he fixes things for his mama. 🙂
It rained pretty hard, most of the morning. The sun came out, after lunch, so now it’s nice out. I haven’t cut on our AC, yet. I have it set to “circulate”, so it cycles on and off to move air through the house. It’s a comfortable 75 degrees, in the house. I always wait for as long as I possibly can, to shut our windows. I love to feel and smell the fresh air, and hear the birds and the bugs outside. My “perfect” temps, are between 75-80 degrees. I have to suck it up all winter, and keep our house set to 68 degrees. Winter nights it’s turned down to 62. Adam gives me summer. I set our AC to 78 degrees. Enough to take humidity out, and keep the house comfortable, but not “cold”. I get to be comfy in the summer. Adam gets the winter. That’s our compromise. We run both the heat and AC, as little as we can stand to, this way.
I took some pictures, the other night, in our basement. I’ve got an end table and lamp next to the couch, now. TV will get here Wednesday. I just got curtains hung up, too. It’s coming along! Playroom area Guest room. I got curtains and put a little lamp in here now, too. Everything’s coming along nicely, though! I love it ❤️
When your wheelhouse is the land of cotton The first time you leave it can be strange, it can be shocking
Not everybody drives a truck, not everybody drinks sweet tea Not everybody owns a gun, wears a ball cap boots and jeans Not everybody goes to church or watches every NASCAR race Not everybody knows the words to Ring Of Fire or Amazing Grace
~Brad Paisley
We had a lot of fun, with Justin and Jackie, Friday night. We grilled supper, and sat outside. We played cornhole. It wasn’t a particularly rowdy kind of night, but still a lot of fun.
Pretty evening sky, on Friday.
Yesterday, Jackie helped me clean and rearrange the basement. I hadn’t done anything with it, since she’s moved out. It felt so good to get that done! I hadn’t decorated or arranged the basement, since we’ve moved in here, because that was Jackie’s space. Jackie took the TV that was down there, when she moved. We’d given away another one, when we moved here, so we don’t have one for down there, yet. Adam and I shopped around, and we found one today. It was a great deal, too! Just under $200, for a 50 inch smart tv. That’s a good size, for the space downstairs. We got a TV mount, to hang it on the wall, and I found a cute stand to set up below it. I got curtains coming, from Amazon, too. I’m excited to have everything come together, down there.
Today has been a quiet day, at home. My sister brought Pj over, this afternoon. We played with Pj, and chatted with my sister. Later, a storm blew in. We got some big hail! By the time I grabbed my phone, to take pictures and video, it had slowed down. It was crazy, though!
Other than all that, I don’t have much to write about. I put a boneless pork roast in my crockpot, this morning. I shredded it, and added “sweet baby rays” bbq sauce, and we had pulled pork sandwiches for supper. Adam and I took our shower this morning, so we’re just hanging out, tonight. The kids already got their rooms cleaned up, and their showers taken. It’s only 8:30pm, but I’m about ready for bed! The temps cooled down to 66 degrees, so I’ve got windows open. Cool night air is pouring in, along with the sounds of crickets and bullfrogs. We saw a lightning bug, Friday night! I love all of it. ❤️
My little niece is starting to scoot herself around! The original video was a minute and a half long, but I cut it down so I could share some of it here. She got herself all the way across that little play mat. She’s been trying lots of new baby foods. So far, she loves everything. I got a cute picture of her eating sweet potatoes, this morning, from my sister. Pj also insists on holding her own spoon. This baby is in too big a hurry, to get big! She turned 5 months old, on April 25.
❤️❤️❤️
I also had some memories from Oliver, two years ago. My sister sent me a couple of pictures that had come up in her feed.
I haven’t been able to carry him around, for a long time! It’s so much fun, watching those I love grow. I think of it like a really good book. Like one of those you can’t put down. A book you’re engrossed in. You want to know what happens in each forthcoming chapter. I sometimes skim past sentences, even paragraphs, that appear mundane and irrelevant. I want to get to the good parts. The thing is, eventually the pages end. You find yourself having finished the last sentence, and the story is over. I can always go find another good book, but the one I’d been so engrossed in, that story has ended. I want to take the time to “read” all of this story I’m living. I shouldn’t be in a rush to find out what’s next, because I know, one day, the pages will run out.
This evening, Adam is going to be grilling ham steaks I bought, and some brats a neighbor of ours gave to him. I’m making scalloped potatoes, fresh green beans with butter and lemon pepper, and I’ve got a watermelon to cut up. Justin and Jackie are coming over. The rain has been removed from tonight’s forecast, so we’re hoping to be outside. I’m sure we’ll have another fun Friday night. The whole weather forecast is showing very summer like temperatures. My most favorite time of the year is here. I’m going to make the most of it, that I possibly can. I’m also telling myself to slow down, and not “skip over” other seasons, anxious to get to summer. Since I’ve written here consistently, I can easily look back at the last year I’ve had. There are hard days, no doubt. But, wow, there are so many beautiful memories I’ve documented, with my people. I don’t feel it, but I’m a year older than I was last summer. My children are a year older. We all are.
I didn’t intend this to be a sappy or sad post! I’m really just hyper aware of how much I need to settle myself, and enjoy everyday I have. The pages in my story are being written, and I need to read every single word carefully. I need to take my time, and bask in the gift that each new day brings. ❤️
Some people say, “I ain’t worth savin'” Sometimes I think they’re right
‘Cause someone else would’ve walked away Someone else would’ve never stayed Sure as hell, someone else would’ve left me A long, long time ago
Someone else would’ve called my bluff Saying, “I ain’t even worth their love” No one else could’ve loved me like you do Thank God, my someone’s you ❤️
~Aaron Lewis
I knew Adam was feeling sad, last night. This grandma he lost, yesterday, was someone he grew up very close to. I get it. It’s never easy to say “goodbye”. Even when it’s time, it’s painful. When he got home from work, he walked into the kitchen. I stopped what I was doing, walked to him, and hugged him tight. We stood there for awhile, arms wrapped around each other, swaying back and forth together. He stayed in the kitchen, and we just talked about a whole lot of nothing, while I finished cooking our supper. As much as my husband knows me, and works to give me what I need when I need it, I know him too. I can find strength, when he can’t. I find the best ways that I can, to help him through. If he needs to stand there, while we hold onto one another, I’ll stay as long as he needs it. If he needs comfort, I’m here. If he needs to hear some things that might be hard to hear, I’ll say them. We don’t always express our love in the same ways, but I think we give each other what we’re needing. I think we do a pretty good job of being the “someone” we each need. We get it wrong, once in awhile, but we get it right a whole lot more.
We had a good evening, despite the lingering sadness that hung in the air. We teased and laughed a lot, while we all sat at the table and ate our supper. It was one of those days we were reminded to enjoy our precious time, with precious people. That’s exactly what we did, too. Although hurt wasn’t fully healed, joy spoke louder.
It was a beautiful evening, outside. Adam helped me water the flowers, and I showed him all the work Jackie had helped me do. We set up the outdoor spaces up on the deck, and down on the patio. Then, we took our shower. We talked a bunch more. When we finished, it was time to tuck the kids into their beds. After, we brushed our teeth and got ready for bed. Our night ended with the most physically intimate way a couple can express love to one another. Although we do have sex most every night, there’s a different closeness that comes from every touch, sometimes. The way we look into each other’s eyes. The way we speak, move, breathe, and touch. I like a good old fashioned “fuck”, as much as anyone. “Making love” isn’t just another name for that, though. Both kinds of sex have their place and time, but they’re not the same.
Adam called me, this morning, just to chat. He doesn’t do that everyday. I thought that was sweet. As much as he is my “someone”, it means the world to me that, for him, I’m his “someone”.
Today, I got some housework done, and then my sister text me. She asked what I was doing, and wanted to come by. My sister and Pj came over, for awhile. I played with Pj, and talked to my sister. Then, Jackie came over. We scrubbed my outdoor rug clean, and hung it over the fence to dry. It looks real nice down on the patio, now!
I’m fixing cube steaks for supper, tonight. I’ve got them browning, on the stove, and then I’ll put them in a baking dish. I put brown gravy over them, and bake them until they’re tender. I love this supper!
The kids have 14 and 1/2 days left of school, before it’s summer break. We’re getting so close. I’m very ready and anxious, for it to be Summer time.
Adam’s grandma passed away, this afternoon. Although it’s hard to say goodbye, I know she lived a long and beautiful life. She was ready for this chapter to come to its close. So, while we will miss her here, we also celebrate her passing into Heaven. She’s most assuredly thrilled to see those people she’s missed, herself.
Time has a way of speeding up, the more time passes. The older I get, the quicker the years seem to go by. I do try hard to take in everything. To bask in the glory of every moment. Beautiful, sunny days, like today. Today, I got to see some of my favorite people. We shared a lot of laughs. We accomplished some tasks I’ve been wanting to get done. Supper is cooking. My kids are upstairs, playing with friends. Adam should be heading home soon. It’s one of those nothing particularly worth documenting, but nonetheless incredibly special to me, kinds of days. I’ve watched, from our downstairs patio, as the baby robin eggs have hatched, and they’ve grown in their feathers. Soon, their mama is going to push them from their comfy nest, so they can fly. They’ll go on, and begin their own journey. It’s the cycle of life, and I’m watching it. I see it in these little birds. I see it, when loved ones pass away. I see it, in my own children, as they’re growing and planning their futures. This is, after all, God’s design for us. We’re all writing our own pages, in this book called life. Make yours count. ❤️
These last weeks of school are always super busy. Award ceremonies, baseball games, field day, concerts, and end of year testing. This evening, Mj has a choir concert. Wyatt brought home information about a wrestling camp he wants to go to, this summer. It’s a 2 week long camp, like 700 miles away from here. I’m struggling with letting my boy leave for so long, so far from home. I’ve never spent more than a couple days without my kids. He really wants to go, though. It’s not easy letting them “spread their wings”, and begin to take trips from our “nest”.
Adam’s grandma is in her last days of life. We got the phone call that she’d been transferred to the hospital, on Saturday. Today, Adam’s mom told me his grandma is no longer responding to them. Although it’s incredibly difficult to say goodbye, she’s had a long and beautiful life. I’m so sure she’s excited to see her husband and son (Adam’s dad), again. Both life and death are challenges we all have to navigate. It seems, the older we get, the more often we’re faced with these harsh realities. I like to think of death as a new beginning. Not an end, but the start of something new and great. A day in Heaven is like 1000 years on earth, so none of us have to wait for long, to see our loved ones again. That has always comforted me.
When I was having issues with my period and my lady parts, Adam was concerned. He so fears cancer, in those he loves. He watched both his dad, and his best friend lose their battles with cancer, way before it should’ve been their time to leave us. I wasn’t really worried that anything like that was going on, with me. I was more afraid my body was beginning to go through menopause. Although I should be at least a decade from those changes beginning in me, it is possible. I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to stop being me. I have such a deep fear, that I could become my mother. I told Adam, I don’t ever want to not want to have sex with you! Symptoms of “the change”, include lower sex drive. Adam held my face in his hands, lifted me so that I was looking into his eyes, and assured me that he would never have sex again, as long as he had me here, with him. I don’t imagine I’ll ever forget that moment, with him, and how loved he made me feel. Mercifully, my hormones are all great, and I just need some extra vitamins. I should be back on track, very soon. No menopause. No cancer. Nothing to stress out about. Me and my people are all healthy and happy. Adam’s grandma is going through a natural part of life, death. I’m grateful she’s not in any pain, and she’s lived out such a full life. She’s surrounded by people who love her. She’s got prayers being poured out for her. I hope that is how my own story goes. Not anytime soon, but one day, when it’s that time in my life.
I’m going to embrace this chaos that is the end of the school year, and soak in all of the memories. I’m going to make a conscious effort to remember to enjoy all of it. To be grateful. To appreciate everyday that I get to spend with these people who make my life so beautifully blessed.
Chronicles in Submission 