I remember reading about a true story, where a mother had shot her own children. The oldest survived. I believe she was around 10 years old. She was asked, on the witness stand, if she loved her mama. She replied, “yes”. I think kids have the purest form of “unconditional love”. They truly love their parents, and desperately seek that love from their parents, in return. I still love my mother. I still wish she loved me. I still cling tightly to any and all memories and material things that make me feel her “love” for me. I still hope and pray for her to get clean and for us to be able to build some sort of relationship. My daughter was doing a school project, and she asked me what my one wish would be. I told her, “To have my mama”. Maybe it was inappropriate to say that to my daughter? It was just my very first thought. That would be my wish. I don’t hate her. I want her to get better! I realize there are a whole lot of things I’m still working through, from my childhood. I still love her, though. I can’t have her in my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I absolutely do. She’s my mom. Even if she didn’t want to be. I want her to want to be my mom.

Something I’ve never written about, is my brother’s story. When I was a young teenager, my aunt spilled the tea about a big ol’ family secret. My mother had left my dad, and gotten pregnant. My dad showed up, at the hospital, the day my brother was born. He is on his birth certificate. He is not my brother’s biological father, though. Even my brother does not know this. I never told a single soul about this, until a few years ago. I’ve talked to Adam and Jackie, but that’s it. My dad never wants my brother to know. It would devastate him. Make him feel even more alienated. He was the “black sheep”, growing up. Our mother was hardest on him. My dad’s side of the family was mean to him. My dad was never cruel to him. I don’t ever remember him treating my brother as anything less than his SON. My dad didn’t even speak to most of his family, for most of my childhood. I’m sure our mother, and my brother, are the reasons why.

The first time I had a conversation with my dad about this, was a few years ago, when my parents were officially divorcing. His lawyer mentioned something we could use against my mother. My dad said absolutely not. I told him I knew what that something was. My aunt told me, years ago. I told him I would never share this secret. We never discussed it any further, or ever again.

I’ve carried the weight of a lot of our family’s “secrets”. I’ve held onto so many things that I never wanted to share, because I love my family. It isn’t easy to be a little girl, with the kind of weight that secrets like that carry. It still isn’t particularly easy to carry, as an adult woman. A part of me feels guilty for even writing about things I’ve kept hidden for so long. The things I pushed way down deep inside of myself, and refused to ever bring back to the surface. I am the oldest child, in my family. My brother and I are only 20 months apart, though. We grew up so close. I never want him to know the secret I know. I don’t want him to feel like he doesn’t have either parent in his life. It’s hard enough when your mother doesn’t care. I can’t do that to him. Obviously, the biological father isn’t interested in him. The thing is, that knowledge would make my brother feel the things we’ve felt about our mother, only doubled. He’d wonder why his “dad” didn’t give a shit. He’s got a dad. He’s the same man who took care of us. He’s the guy who’s always been here for us. We have him. He loves us back.

I push away so many things like this. I can put them into a “box”, lock it up, throw away the key, and still it comes back. Pretty much the only places I can show these secrets, is my blog. I talk to Adam about a little of it. I share a little with Jackie. Mostly, I keep it hidden. I might start to talk about things, and then shut down. My people know me. They know when I’m done sharing. I’m okay with carrying quite a bit, by myself. It’s just that I slip up, every so often, and I spill secrets.

I think this is why I’m so open with my own kids. They know who their mama is. They see that I’m human, I make mistakes. I’m not afraid to tell them I’m sorry, when I’m wrong. I share my life with them, as they grow, in bits and pieces that I know they’re able to digest. I’m never ashamed to let my children see that their mama isn’t perfect. The amazing thing is, they still love me. I think it builds our bond. I never ask them to keep my secrets. I never want put things on them. I want them to just be kids. I expect them to screw up, once in awhile. I want them to know I’ll always be here to catch them, when they fall.

I’m very strong, when it comes to so many things. I’m tiny. I’m fierce, though. It takes a whole lot of strength for Adam to be able to rise above my own. Im very determined, and also hard headed, as a result. There’s such a comfort in having someone who loves and cares for me be able to find strength when I am weak. My closest people can see through my tough exterior. They know that the “hardness” I try so hard to portray, is a mask for pain I’m carrying. It’s how I protect myself, and my secrets. It’s how I’ve learned to move through life. I appreciate Adam’s ability to see through this, and he’s amazing about doing exactly what I need him to. He’s literally the only person in my life, who’s unafraid of “angry Eve”. He understands that my anger is coming from some hurt I haven’t expressed yet. At the same time, he won’t allow me to continue down an unhealthy path. That’s a huge comfort, for me.

It’s not always “sunshine and flowers”. We have our tough moments, but we get through them together. Always together.

We went out with some of Adam’s coworkers, awhile ago. I love my people so much! I just got these pictures sent to me. I never take the pictures. I love having them, but I always just live in the moment. Thankfully, I’ve got friends like Jackie, who love to take lots of pictures to document our adventures.

Adam and I are going to be going on the General Jackson showboat, soon. My birthday is just a couple of days before we do that, too. After 30, I’m not so excited about birthdays anymore, though!We also have our daughter’s choir concert coming up, the night before the showboat. This time of year gets really busy! Right before Christmas break, and again right before Summer break are always super busy for us.

I got the ornaments for us to make, this year. Every Christmas season, we make homemade ornaments with the kids. My entire tree is decorated in homemade ornaments, except for a few given to us from other people. We have an “elf on the shelf”, the kids call “Sparkle”. She hides in a new spot every night, while they’re sleeping. I don’t think my kids still believe she’s a real magical elf anymore, but they still look forward to her return every year, so I continue to bring her out. I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas. I’m way behind in my Christmas shopping, this year.

It’s only 48 degrees outside here today. I’m fixing to bake some brownies, so I can turn the oven on and heat up my kitchen a little bit. Jackie, my kids, and I sat in the kitchen and I showed the kids how I can bend and move my fingers and legs in ways most people can’t. I can press my thumb flat against my wrist. I can sit, Indian style, except my feet are both on top of my opposite knees. They were blown away 😆 Adam took Oliver for a walk. He’s actually gained some weight, again. I have held steady around 95-96 pounds. I definitely won our bet!

This is my Sunday adventures. Not much else to say, today!

Last night, Jackie and I played a game with my daughter, Mj. She wore earphones, and couldn’t hear what anyone was saying. We called some of our friends and had her “talk” to them. We would gesture what we wanted her to say. It’s hilarious and ridiculously fun!

Jackie and I stayed up until 1:00am talking and laughing. I had so much fun. We have nights like that, in my kitchen, where we aren’t doing anything in particular, just making our own fun. Adam had to go into work, this morning. He was irritated because we were too loud, and I guess we kept him awake. He felt that I was disrespectful, for being “too loud”, out in our kitchen. We really weren’t doing anything besides talking, after it got late. I had no idea he couldn’t sleep! I told him, he could’ve just told us to tone it down! It was so silly, but we had a back and forth about this, today.

By the time he got home, he apologized for being so grumpy toward me. He had sent a text to me, early this morning, and it hurt my feelings. He felt really bad, after he heard me explain my side. He asked me to “step into the office”, when he got home. I went into our bedroom, but I was “armed and ready”. We talked it out. No yelling or hateful words. Just talking. He apologized, gave me a hug and a kiss, and told me he was just tired and grumpy, and he shouldn’t have handled it that way. I told him I was sorry if we were being too noisy! Nobody intended to upset him, and we had no idea he wasn’t sleeping. It’s all better, now.

I’m making some pizzas for supper tonight. Jackie went to a concert with a friend of hers. Adam and I are just going to have a quiet Saturday evening. The kids are watching a movie with Adam. I’ll go join them, after supper.

Jackie came upstairs, on her break from work, yesterday. I was on the phone, but I showed her the text from Adam about how he wanted to do a “fend” night for supper, so we had more time to talk. She asked me, “what’d you do???” I gestured toward my lips and mouthed to her, it’s my big mouth. She had to go back to work, before I was off the phone. I text her, when I got off the phone. This is part of our conversation. I love her so damn much.

I had a long day, yesterday. I was tired, sad, pissed off, and it was like everybody was on my very last nerve. Poor Adam was doing his best to be helpful and supportive. I was on a damn rollercoaster of emotion. One minute, I could push down the bad feelings and managed to appear okay, the next minute, I was raging inside.

When Adam and I got in the shower, I mentioned something I needed to get done. He asked me, “You haven’t done that yet?!” I don’t have a good answer as to why, but this set me off! I said, “Are you kidding me? You’re going to give me hell about this? Why haven’t you gotten [and I named off a few things he’s been needing to get done]?” I truly can’t remember much of what else was spoken between us, until the point where I told him, “I ain’t gonna make myself small so that you can feel big, weak so you can feel strong.” He got very quiet and sat down in the shower. I accused him of moping and he looked up at me and asked me, “Is that really what you think I’m doing, right now?” I could feel his frustration, but I still couldn’t break from the spell my own frustrations had over me.

We finished our shower, barely speaking to each other. I went upstairs and told our kids goodnight. He went and told them goodnight, while I brushed my teeth. He brushed his teeth, while I unmade our bed and climbed into it. He got into bed and pulled me into his arms. We went to sleep. This morning, I woke up to him brushing hair from my face and kissing my forehead, before he had to leave for work. I had instant regrets about my behavior, last night. I sent Adam a text after I’d gotten the kids off to school. I apologized. I feel awful for taking out my pissed off on him. He didn’t deserve that. It’s exactly the kind of thing I’ve done for years. The difference is, we used to get up, the next day, and go on like it didn’t happen. He didn’t call me out for it. We didn’t talk about it. I’d feel guilty. I’d usually even apologize. “Consequences” weren’t a thing, for a very long time, though. Since Adam’s been seriously holding me accountable, I realize just how much it matters, when I do shit like that. I think twice about a whole lot more, these days. My greatest struggle, is containing “angry Eve”. I have an amazing ability to spew the most sassy things from my mouth, without even thinking about it. I turn off every part of my brain that tries to discourage me from saying things I’ll regret. I feel like an ass for not realizing sooner just how much I can hurt my husband. Sometimes, I’m not sure why he even puts up with it! The best way I can explain myself, is to say that Adam is my safe place. That’s not an excuse to be disrespectful or to take my anger out on him. It’s just that, he’s the person I know I can lash out at, and he loves me anyway. It isn’t that I’m intentionally trying to hurt him. I’m desperate to release the pent up hurt, fear, anger, and frustration I’ve been holding onto, and I turn it on him, sometimes. That doesn’t make it right. It’s just the truth.

He told me he was proud of me for recognizing all of this, and for saying I was sorry. He isn’t angry. Still, I know I’m going to get it when he gets home. Thank God I have such a patient and understanding and caring husband. Thank God he sees through my bitchy attitude and can still find the parts of me that are good.

We’re going to have a “talk”, when he’s home.

Jelly Roll released his newest single called “She”, today. That song is very personal for me.

I’m making some meatballs with green bean casserole and some mashed potatoes, to bring to my sister and her husband. I’m bringing my babies over to meet their new cousin, after school. I’m excited for them to meet Pj!

I have a few things that are bouncing around inside my head, today. Things I need to write about, but I’m not quite ready to do it. I’m ok, it’s just not the day for me to bring some things to the surface. I’m trying to be happy and smile and I’m afraid to talk (write) about it, would make that even harder to do. I’ll write more tomorrow.

❤️

A couple of weeks ago, we had to sign and mail in something that was needed by November 23. I put it in the envelope, put a stamp on it, and put it in our mailbox, with the flag up, to alert our mail carrier to take it. I told Adam I’d done all of that, and that was the end of it. Our mailbox is different than most. It has a lock, so we have to use our key to open it. It isn’t like the kind you’d find at an apartment complex, where there’s a whole bunch of different boxes all together. It’s just our mailbox. It has a door that the mail carrier opens, drops our mail into, and nobody can get into where the letters fall, without our key. I have to place things we’re mailing out sort of half in, half out of that door the mail carrier opens. I don’t grab our mail every single day. I usually do it every 2-3 days. So, a couple of days after I’d mailed the paperwork, I brought in the mail, and it was mixed in with our mail. I suspected the mail carrier either didn’t see it, or opened the door and it fell in with our regular mail. At that point, I’d done nothing wrong. Where I screwed up, is that I kept it from Adam. I actually put the envelope with the paperwork back behind some other papers and things I keep in a drawer. I fully intended to get it put back into the door, so the mail carrier would grab it, the next day. The reason I didn’t mention this to Adam, is because I didn’t want him to think that I might not have been honest about mailing it when I’d told him I had. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. I’d been getting myself into way too much trouble, and I just didn’t want to risk it.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I was cleaning some things up, and it dawned on me, I forgot about that paperwork! I hadn’t remembered to get it back into the mail. It was already too late to get it mailed yesterday, too. I was driving myself crazy with guilt and worry, but I decided not to say anything to Adam until he was home. He was super busy, yesterday. I didn’t want to make him grumpy at work. I didn’t want him to come in the door angry, when he got home. So, I waited until we were in the shower. Adam can always sense when something’s bothering me. He knew very quickly that there was something I needed to tell him. He hugged me close to him and told me to just tell him what’s going on. I started by insisting that what I’d done was absolutely not malicious. It truly was not something I meant to forget. I explained the whole situation to him. He wasn’t angry with me, but he was frustrated. He asked me why I would think he wouldn’t have trusted me, if I’d told him about it, in the first place? He told me he believed me now, even after I waited 2 weeks to tell him. He told me, I could’ve put it right on the kitchen counter, where we’d both have seen it, and been reminded to get it sent off. I didn’t argue with that, at all. It was very dumb to try to put it out of sight, because that’s why I forgot about it. It was selfish of me to keep this from Adam, in the first place, because he would’ve helped me remember. Shit like this is just sooo stupid! When I look back, I think to myself, what the hell was I thinking?? I get mad at myself, too! All I was thinking was, I didn’t want to give Adam any reason to be disappointed in me or to question whether I’d lied to him when I’d told him I’d gotten it sent in the mail. What I wound up doing, is disappointing him and making certain he might doubt me in the future, which just crushes me inside.

Adam did spank my butt a few times, there in the shower, but nowhere near as bad as I’d expected. I was and am feeling terrible, though! The papers got sent, today, even though they’re late. That turns out to not be the end of the world. I still feel really guilty, though.

Sometimes, (often times, if I’m honest) I can push Adam, when I’m feeling insecure. Like, when I get too much in my head about things with my mother. I find myself pushing against him, to make sure he won’t move. I made a very conscious decision to not allow myself to do that, after my upset the other day, when I was so sad about a kitchen towel I’d found from my mother. I didn’t get an attitude. I didn’t act like a brat or a bitch. I didn’t do something to irritate Adam on purpose. I held myself together. Still, I ended up having done something stupid, anyway. Ugh.

My main takeaway here, is to quit trying to shield Adam or myself from shit. I have got to stop deciding what Adam should or should not know about. Trying to hide things that might upset him, always results in a guarantee to upset him. He ends up feeling like I don’t trust him. That is a crappy thing to do to my husband. The person who loves and trusts me more than anyone in the world. I am much more angry with myself than Adam is at me!

Sent this in my family’s group text, today. My sister, Jackie, my dad, his girlfriend, my brother, his wife, and I have a group we text in like all day long. My Alexa show said this, earlier. No kidding? You don’t say?! I swear…🤦‍♀️

Between the time Adam and I left the house to go to my sister’s, last night, and the time we got back home, I had 62 messages in our group text! We definitely chat a lot. Like all day, everyday. I love it, though.

Just thought this one was funny. Have to laugh at the world today, otherwise it’ll make you depressed as hell!

My sister and her husband brought baby Pj home, yesterday! I made some soup for them. Adam and I brought it over and we got to meet our new niece. She’s so precious!

My sister’s a very nervous new mama. I’ve been getting a lot of texts and FaceTime calls from her asking questions. I love it, though. She’s only about a 5 minute drive from my house, so it’s pretty great being this close. I’m feeling sleepy today, and I’m not the one had to go in and have the baby!

Adam’s back to work. Kids are back to school. It’s a chilly, cloudy day here. I’ve been struggling to get motivated to get much done. I’ve got the oven preheating, so I can bake some cookies. The kids will be getting home from school in about an hour. We haven’t brought them to see baby Pj, yet. I didn’t want to overwhelm my sister on her first evening home. I think I’ll bring them by there on Wednesday, as long as everybody’s feeling well. Otherwise, I don’t have much to talk about today.