It can be hard to reconcile the juxtaposition that is me. I am mighty. I have a whole lot of fight in me. I have felt helpless and alone and afraid. I have clawed and fought my way out of tough places. I have managed to make something of myself, all by myself. Then, I met Adam. Somehow, without my even realizing it was happening, he managed to become someone I couldn’t imagine living without. He has spent years figuring me out, and continues to do so. Hell, I don’t know what it is that I need sometimes. It isn’t always easy for me to let go of the fighter in me. She comes out sometimes. That isn’t necessarily always a bad thing. Only Adam can ever quell her, though. I can sink my teeth in and refuse to let go. Why? Your guess is as good as mine! I regret it when I’ve done it to Adam, and especially when I’ve succeeded. I can get a feeling of euphoria at first. Pride in myself, that I am still strong enough. It probably seems evil and manipulative. I don’t intend it to be like that. I absolutely hate to hurt my husband. I suppose, sometimes, the little girl who couldn’t ever stand up for herself comes out fighting mad. It’s both terrifying and intensely freeing to be able to step back and allow my husband to lead. To be my safe place. It’s never that I don’t trust him. I don’t think so, anyway? I think it’s more about feeling like I have to prove something to myself. To prove that, if he leaves me, I can still find myself. What if… What if I turn into my mother one day? What if I do or say something so awful that he does give up on me? You’d think those fears would encourage me to never do or say ridiculous crap. Nope. I’m a hot mess. I think I can best explain it that, when I’m completely confident that he has got this, that is my happy place. When that confidence waivers, I haul ass in the other direction. Not always. Not even usually. Sometimes. Sometimes I do that. I start to think maybe he’s not going to be able to handle my shit, so I “bail”.

I am recognizing that this is a me problem. One I need to work on. I can be motivated so strongly by doubt and fear. I feel great when I park my butt in the passenger seat and allow my husband to drive. Yet, when doubt and fear creep in, I tell myself I need to be able to control the wheel in case he can’t or won’t anymore. The “what if” mentality takes over. What if I let go so fully that I forget how to even drive? It is not all that easy for a strong woman to give in. I worked for years to build my own strength up. It’s almost as if I feel I need to keep doing some “heavy lifting” so that I retain the muscles it takes if I no longer have someone else to help me. I don’t know if this will make sense to anybody but me here? I’ve been reflecting and once again, coming to a better understanding of myself. I’m recognizing where I’m flawed and how it affects my relationship. I’m pondering ways that I can improve and grow.

I woke up to a text from my daughter saying “Mama, Panda ate Harry”. I’ve had a moth who hangs out in the kitchen on the ceiling for almost the whole summer. I named him “Harry”. Panda is our cat. Our cat ate my moth friend from the kitchen.

We had a great time last night. I ended up drinking three tall glasses of beer while we were there. I wasn’t sloppy drunk or anything, but had a good buzz going. It definitely helped me to get up and sing when the time came! I couldn’t keep my eyes open on the drive home. We left the bar by 10:30pm, so it wasn’t that late, but I guess the alcohol mixed with the relief of having the performance over had me exhausted.

My sister’s Jeep needs a part that they can’t get today, so Adam gets to stay home and hang out with us. It’s a rainy day here. Perfect for a lazy Sunday. Today is 9/11. It’s been 21 years since our country was thrown into chaos and terror. I remember being in class and the teacher brought in a TV so we could watch what was happening. They let us out of school early after the first tower fell. I will never forget the things I saw and felt that day. I also have tremendous respect for all the amazing hero’s who stepped up. So many regular people who did whatever they could to help others. I have great pride in the way our country came together that day and in the days following. Queen Elizabeth also passed away this week. She broke tradition and had them play our star spangled banner as a show of love and support for America after the attack. I have no opinion on the monarchy, but I think it was amazing of her to do that.

I have been behaving extremely well these last few days in an effort to give Adam my own show of respect. My writing can be less interesting, I suppose, but I want him to know he’s still my king. ❤️

Last night, we sat out on the patio under the deck for awhile. Adam had to go into work early this morning, so we didn’t stay up super late. He’s going to try to be home by this afternoon so we can get ready for the show tonight. One of our friend’s band is playing at a local place here. He asked me to come sing back up for him. My dad is also doing a cameo performance 😉

Tomorrow, Adam is going to fix my sister’s Jeep for her. I don’t have a clue what the problem is, just know that Adam knows how to fix it. He can work on most any vehicle, even though that has never been a job he’s had or been paid for. It comes in pretty handy having a husband who knows how to fix shit, though! I feel bad for him because he isn’t going to get a break this weekend at all. I tried to talk him into just waiting until next weekend to work on her Jeep, but he insisted he’s going to do it tomorrow. Ain’t gonna argue about it, just feel sorry he won’t get to lay around and watch football on Sunday.

I put a pork roast in my crockpot so that we can have pulled pork sandwiches for supper tonight before we go to the bar for the show. I’ve got a sitter lined up for the kids and popcorn, root beer, and ice cream sandwiches they can all munch on tonight while we’re gone. They always like it when mom and dad go out, because they get lots of snacks and watch movies.

I have been eating as much pastas and bread and protein as I can fit in my stomach, and I’ve lost a pound. Adam has been running in the evenings and working out, and he hasn’t lost any weight yet, either. So, neither of us is winning our bet, so far. Jackie and I were talking about putting some work out equipment down in our garage. I think we would all enjoy it! I used to be ripped. I love weight training. Our son is in baseball and he’s working hard to get stronger, so he was also excited about our work out idea for the garage. Muscle does weigh more than fat, they say. Maybe I could gain me some muscle weight!

I’m thinking I’m going to run a bubble bath and soak in the tub for awhile. My stomach is a little upset, which I attribute to nerves about performing tonight. I have an auto immune disease that really messes with my belly, too. That is why it’s much harder for me to gain weight and keep it on. Hopefully, tonight is a good, fun night out!

I felt very strongly that I was not going to spend money for glasses I neither needed, nor wanted. In fact, I was willing to risk consequences for it. I knew with near 100% certainty that Adam was not going to spank me for it. I felt a little guilty for calling him on it, but I also felt I was doing the right thing. I’m not supposed to “brag” about it, but I did succeed at convincing Adam that I was in the right this time. I love him. I want to see him hold his ground (most of the time). I don’t know how the hell to submit when I absolutely disagree with something, though? I don’t want to just bust his balls. It’s sexy and he assures me that he really is the boss, the leader when he doesn’t back down. I don’t know how to explain it, because that’s exactly what I want (most of the time). This time, with this issue, I meant it as much as he thought he meant it. When I was finally able to do a better job of explaining where I was coming from, I think he understood that I wasn’t simply being a disobedient, disrespectful, brat this time. I wasn’t playing him. I could’ve done a better job of getting my side heard while continuing to be more respectful. I could’ve just shut up and did as he told me to. I could’ve. The question for me was, should I? Is this a time when I should stand my ground? I asked myself those questions. I honestly don’t know whether it’s partly because I’m stubborn as fuck, or all because I truly felt like I was right this time. If I had believed he would really spank me, would I have spoken up? I can’t answer that question, either. I think I still would have. I’m pretty sure I would’ve. I know I sincerely felt I was doing the right thing. I wonder then, did he sincerely feel he was doing the right thing? Figuring out how we handle disagreements like this in the future is not going to be easy. It is easy to accept and submit to Adam when I feel like he’s right. I want to be respectful, even when I feel he’s wrong. I want him to demand I be respectful, even when I don’t agree with him. I know I want that. What do I want when I’m sure I’m right, though? Do I want to win? I think so. I’m not exactly sure. I do root for Adam. I very much want him to feel confident and to not allow me to threaten his ability to lead with that confidence in himself. I found myself in a situation where I had such conflicting emotions. On one hand, I don’t want him to let me argue my way out. On the other hand, I want to argue because I deeply feel that I am not wrong! On one hand, I insist on having this go my way. On the other hand, I recognize that I am probably undermining my husband’s authority.

This is all my honest to God truth. I’m conflicted. I’m unsure. I’m doubtful and hopeful at the very same time. I know for sure that I wasn’t simply attempting to “play” on Adam’s emotions so that I could “win” this argument. I’m also sure that I don’t want this to be the beginning of the end of his reign as my king. I want to be his queen. I want to be second in command. It’s a weird thing to truly want those things, meanwhile also fight for his crown sometimes. I believe with all of my heart that every decision he makes is what he believes is best for his family. The next time something like this happens, I know I need to work on more clearly explaining my disagreement. I need to work harder on doing it without making Adam feel disrespected. I’m not going to pretend like the possible threat of my butt being whipped isn’t a deterrent. It can be a big reason for me to avoid doing or saying something. There’s another thing, maybe even worse than a spanking, though. If I feel positive his threats are empty, and then I “win”, his ability to lead is shattered. His confidence is lost. His manhood is damaged. He’s so kind and good to me. I don’t want to take advantage of that. I didn’t mean to do that, if that’s what it seems I did. My goal was to save money I didn’t think I needed to spend on myself. My goal was never to crush my husband. I just pray that isn’t what happened. Whether or not it was my intention doesn’t matter if we come away from this with bad attitudes. If I get cocky and he no longer holds his position as the head of our family, we both lose. I know for sure that I don’t want that, either. So, did I win? Yes and no I suppose.

I had text Adam that nobody was on my side and I’m getting ticked off.

Pig headed….

Mmmhmmm 🤦‍♀️

I might be stubborn, but I sure as heck ain’t the only one being ridiculous about a danged pair of glasses. Ones I don’t need.

Adam keeps telling me to make the stupid eye doctor appointment for myself, and I keep repeating that I’m not going to do that. It isn’t necessary! He insists that I agreed to do it this last weekend, when he punished me for being dishonest about missing our son’s appointment. It’s such a silly thing, but I’m just not gonna do it. I’m feeling seriously grumpy about it. Maybe it’s a dumb “hill to die on”, but dammit, I’m not backing down here. I’m happy to bring our son in. He needs contacts so he can wear them for baseball practice and games this year. That makes sense. It’s nothing but a waste of time and money for me to go in, though. Maybe I am being stubborn, disrespectful, disobedient…but I don’t feel wrong in my decision. I don’t honestly believe his “threats”. No way he’s going to spank me because I refuse to spend money on something I don’t need, or even want!! So, that’s where I stand.

On another note, Adam and I made a bet the other day. I’ve lost weight this last year. I had finally put on a healthy 15 pounds a couple of years ago, getting up to about 108 pounds. It looked good on me. The stress and my belly issues got to me over the last several months, and I’m back down to just about 92 -93 pounds. I would like to gain some healthy weight again, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds to do that. We decided that we’d give each other 2 full months and I would gain at least 10 pounds, while he would lose 10 pounds. We set 15 pounds as both of our goals, but 10 as a minimum requirement for our bet. We’ve got until November 7. Updates forthcoming!

My sister is having a baby girl due in November. Our daughter has a “double name”, nicknamed “MJ”. Her daughter’s will also be a double name, shortened to “PJ”. Jackie and I are throwing her a baby shower soon. We’ve been buying decorations and planning the games and food and all that. It’s been really fun watching my sister grow into her role as a new wife and mama. My wild, crazy sister is domesticated now! Her husband is a great man, too.

I’m going to go get some coffee and to sit out on our deck for awhile before it gets hot out. I have a couple of small errands to run, but otherwise, just staying home and getting some housework done today. I’ll post about it when I win this ridiculous eye doctor appointment debate with Adam.

Adam wants me to go into the eye doctor with our son so I can get new glasses. I hardly ever wear them anyway! The ones I have are fine. He told me, when I forgot our son’s appointment, to make myself one too. I don’t need to. He’s being a butthead…

We had a great time this morning at our little “rally”! Met a lot of cool people. The Army chaplain even came over to tell us he supported what we were doing and he said a prayer with the group of us. When we were finished, Jackie and I decided to call Adam and pretend like I had gotten arrested there. She’s really good at making stuff up for a laugh, so she called Adam and, unbelievably, he wasn’t even upset! She told him she was on her way to bail me out. A few minutes later, he text to tell her work was slow, so he would meet her there. I immediately called him to tell him nooo, don’t do that! We’re just playing! I was seriously starting to panic. It turns out, he knew we were full of it, so he turned the joke around on us… It’s been a wild morning.

Today is my little girl’s birthday. I’ve got an ice cream cake I’m going to make her and she requested “breakfast” for supper tonight. Going to make scrambled eggs, pancakes, bacon, and hash browns. I don’t make grits. I know we’re in the south, but eew. I don’t drink sweet tea either.

It’s a busy day here at my house, so I don’t have much else to report today.

I woke up at 4:30am wide awake and ready to start my day. I got up with Adam and used the hour and a half I had before it was time to get the kids up for school to drink my coffee and make some muffins for the kids. I’ve gotten a load of laundry folded and put away, dishwasher unloaded and reloaded with breakfast dishes, paid bills for the week, planned our menu for the week and ordered the groceries I need for them. Ordered some new baseball pants for our son, picked up the kids play area and made up all the beds. Jackie went into the office today, so I’m home all alone. Put some music on and enjoying this time by myself now.

My Dad’s been filming for a new show that will be coming out about what he does for a living. He’s in the music industry, of course, this is Nashville, Tennessee. I’m really happy for him! He’s the most humble, talented, creative, and amazing person. He’s going to be doing a song this Saturday where we’re playing as well. I’m excited because he’s always asked to play, but never has played at this place. He just comes to support everyone else. We finally talked him into it! My voice is back to nearly 100%. I think it’s going to be a fun Saturday night. I’ll make sure we get pictures 🙂

Yesterday was a quiet day. We didn’t do a whole lot of anything. Adam grilled us some really good spicy chicken for supper. I’m fixing to scrub the floorboards around the house and clean the grout in Adam and my shower. Super interesting stuff like that 😆 It’s a beautiful day, though. I feel awesome and energized. I appreciate the simple days like this. So does Adam…and my behind.

In our home, we recognize God as being the One who stands on the highest podium. Adam is placed on the second highest, followed by myself, on the third. I’ve realized that we hold those places based on a combination of our own desire and willingness to be there, as well as our unique abilities to keep each other “in our place”. We are accountable to one another. When I attempt to remove myself from my podium, Adam is charged with the responsibility to ensure that I remain where I belong. If Adam steps off his podium, he loses the authority he is charged with, and the respect given to him. I am in danger of jumping off of mine when he isn’t holding his place, also. I have been learning that the best way to ensure that he stays on his podium, is to remain tightly clinging to my own. When I recognize there is a real danger that he might be about to abandon his post, it is like instinct for me to want to jump from mine as well. It takes strength and sheer determination to choose not to do so. I’ve discovered that there is much benefit to this. I can both encourage my husband to either get right back up on his podium, or maybe even avoid him leaving it at all. I confirm to him my devotion to submission. Much like I “test” Adam at times to assure myself that he does “mean it”, I can show him that I, too, “mean it” when I reaffirm my desire to keep him in his role as a leader. I have a different hand in this “card game” we’re playing, but it’s still a powerful one when used correctly. I don’t spank him when he misbehaves. He still has accountability, though. It has only recently began to dawn on me that I have power, too. That I have the ability to, at least, encourage my husband to stay in his rightful place. I know I can’t force it, but I have a very large influence on his ability and willingness to stand tall on his podium. I also have the ability to discourage him in his role. To make him feel weak, powerless, and unwilling. He has never remained in those feelings for long, but my deepest fear has always been that he might give up on me.

It is a lifelong work in progress to learn how best to serve one another. We fail sometimes. We succeed often. These are my thoughts today. Life happens, we learn and grow from it, and our bond is made even stronger as a result.