And you bring me to my knees
Again
All the times that I could beg you please
In vain
All the times that I felt insecure
For you
And I leave my burdens at the door

All the times that I felt like this won’t end
It’s for you
And I taste what I could never have
It was from you
All the times that I’ve cried
My intentions were full of pride
But I waste more time than anyone

All the times that I’ve cried
All this wasted, it’s all inside
And I feel all this pain
Stuffed it down, it’s back again
And I lie here in bed
All alone, I can’t mend
But I feel tomorrow will be okay

But I’m on the outside, I’m looking in
I can see through you, see your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly, you’re ugly like me
I can see through you, see to the real you

~Staind

That was the daily Bible verse I was shown, on my Bible app, the other day. I read it, as this song was playing on my stereo speaker. I really tried to consider, how would I obey this scripture, when it comes to my mother? How could I possibly “honor” her? I suppose this is a question I’ll need to spend more time speaking to God about. Because, I’m struggling with this one.

It’s been such a busy, full summer, already. Justin and Jackie came over, Wednesday evening. We all sat out on the deck. We stayed up a little later than usual, for a week night. It was after 10:00pm, when Adam and I came inside, to take our shower. While we’d been talking, outside, I was sharing a story I’d heard on a podcast. I told them, I hadn’t slept well, Monday night. Adam chimed in, “And why is it you didn’t sleep well?” Jackie said, “Uh oh! You didn’t tell me you got in trouble!” I told Adam to “shut up”. He made another comment, I can’t remember what? Then, I told him to “fuck off”. I caught myself, just as I’d said it, but it was already done. I told them the podcast story, and nothing more was said about my comments to Adam. That is, until we got into our bedroom, after everyone had left, and the kids were in bed. Adam spanked me, and it hurt. It hurt physically, of course, but emotionally, I was also a wreck. I’d been holding in some quiet frustrations, and they bubbled over. Our son has been becoming a hormonal teenage mess. I understand, that’s normal, but he can be a real jerk sometimes. Over the last several days, he’d yelled at me for asking him to take the trash can to the curb. He’d been disrespectful and rude, when we’d left church last Sunday. He raised his voice to me. He’d seriously crossed the line. He hasn’t been bothering to rinse his dirty dishes, as they’re always supposed to do. I had a pile of dishes with stuck on food, he’d left on the counter. I told him he needed to scrub them, and put them in the dishwasher. He stomped to the sink, and then ignored me the rest of the afternoon. Then, I’d discovered, he didn’t even attempt to scrub the dishes off. He’d just thrown them into the dishwasher. My feelings have been so hurt, but I’m literally afraid to confront my own son, because he has been acting up. I just haven’t had the energy to fight with him. I was also feeling incredibly frustrated, because Adam has witnessed some recent issues with him, but said nothing. So, after he spanked me, I felt angry as hell, at first. As we showered, I began to tell him about my upset. I turned into a blubbering mess. I told him, I feel picked on, because he expects me to always be respectful, and to obey him, but he has been allowing our child to disrespect and disobey me, without seeming to notice or care. I was crying so hard, every single word had a pause between it, while I gulped and sobbed, just trying to get through my sentences.

I could see Adam’s entire demeanor morphing, as I explained these frustrations to him. He went from angry, to confused, to hurt, and finally, acceptance. He understood why I felt this way. He also felt horrible, for allowing it to get to this point. We went to bed, and didn’t spend anymore time discussing it, that night. Last night, after he’d had some time to process, we talked it all through. He promised to pay more attention to everyone’s behavior, not just mine. He insisted, he gets where I’m coming from, he’s so sorry, and it won’t continue. I believe him.

I took the kids swimming, at Poppy’s, yesterday. Jackie, her sister and niece, and my sister and niece, also came swimming with us. Pj is growing sooo quickly!

Mj’s best friend is here, for a few days. I’m bringing them to an indoor trampoline park near us, this afternoon. Then, we’re going to swim in Jackie and Justin’s pool, for awhile.

I made chicken parmesan for supper, last night. I tried some new things, and it turned out amazing! Everyone loved it. I’m going to share the recipe I came up with, in another post.

This about catches up on everything that’s been happening here. It’s Friday! I’m in a good mood. It’s going to be another fun filled Summer weekend, and I love it all ❤️

~Jelly Roll, with Brantley Gilbert & Struggle Jennings

That’s one of the songs on Jelly’s new album. It’s title, Whitsitt Chapel, is the name of an old Baptist church he attended, in Antioch Tennessee. Anyone who knows Nashville, knows Antioch ain’t a place you go and mess around.

We have had such a great time, the last few days. Saturday, we went and swam in Poppy’s pool.

After swimming, we went and got pizza, and came back home. Jackie and Justin sat outside, with us, until about midnight. Sunday, we all went to church. Jackie and Justin went home, and Adam, the kids, and I spent a lazy Sunday afternoon, at home. I cut Adam’s hair. Made pulled chicken sandwiches, for supper. We all went to bed early, Sunday night.

Yesterday evening, Jackie, Justin, Adam, and I went to the baseball game. The Nashville Sounds hosted an event, to benefit veterans and first responders. The baseball teams were made up of musicians, athletes, and some members of the military and first responders. Jelly, Struggle, and Brantley were among them. There were several other artists. Those are just my favorites. I rooted for military team, to win, but it was all in fun. Military did win, though!

Adam’s fixing to head home, from work. He’s going to go work out, with Justin, before supper. I’m tired! We’ve had a lot going on. I love it, though!

Oh, I also got a spanking, last night. We’d had an awesome night. We’d gotten home, gone to bed, and just finished having some great sex. As Adam was putting his boxer shorts back on, he said something, I can’t even remember what?! I flipped him off. I really thought he was turned around, and couldn’t have seen it, but he sure did. He was not amused. He marched over to me, bent me over the side of the bed, and spanked me. I was still naked, when it happened. I’d gotten up, to grab one of his t-shirts to wear to bed. I hadn’t made it to his dresser drawer yet. So, I’ve got a bit of a sore butt, today. Overall, it was still an awesome night. Could’ve done without that part. Otherwise, no regrets!

This is a song title. My dad helped make this one.

I took the kids over to Jackie’s pool, where they live. We got some sunshine, and watched them have fun.

Justin and Adam have been working out together, every evening. Justin and Jackie are coming over, soon. Justin and Adam just have “abs day”, tonight. When they’re finished, they’ll be back here, and we’re all going to hang out.

We’re all going to Poppy’s house, tomorrow afternoon. We’re going to swim, and have fun there. Sunday, after church, Adam and Justin are planning to clean out our garage. We’ve got a whole load of junk, that needs to go to the landfill. Then, Justin is going to store a few totes of their things they aren’t using at their townhouse, in our garage. Monday evening, we have the veterans baseball game, at the Sounds stadium. Mj’s best friend is coming, to stay with us, all of next week. Wyatt’s also got plans to go swimming, with some of his friends, next week. And, I promised the kids I’d take them over to the indoor trampoline park, one day next week. Lots of busy, and tons of fun!

Adam just text me, that he’s heading home. Time to get our weekend started, here!

I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away

~James Blunt

It would’ve been Adam’s dad’s birthday, in May. Father’s Day is also coming right up. Last night, I had a bad dream. I was whimpering, in my sleep. I woke up, as Adam rolled over and pulled me into his arms. I don’t even remember what I’d been dreaming? Adam was right there, for me, though. He’s this source of such incredible strength and security, for our family. I’m realizing, he really doesn’t have that, for himself. He doesn’t have the comfort of knowing someone bigger, stronger, wiser, will be there to catch him. He just can’t fall down. The weight of that must be very heavy, especially this time of year.

That’s not to say that I’m not always here for him. I’m not going anywhere. We have different roles, and responsibilities, though. Being the “wife”, is a position I’d never wish to trade, for “husband”.

I texted Adam, a couple weeks ago. I asked him if he ever felt resentful of women. Not in a hateful way. Just, does he ever quietly wish he could switch places with me? I look at my life, and I fully acknowledge, I’m living a simpler existence. My days aren’t as hard. I don’t carry the pressures he does. I’ll have to answer to God, one day, for my own sins. He’ll have to do it, too. When he married me, he vowed to accept responsibility over the family he was creating. That’s a very big commitment to make. He did it, for me. He did it, for our family. He does it every single day, and night. He never lets us down. Even in the middle of the night, when he overhears my bad dreams. He’s there. He’s got me. According to his response to my text, he’s glad to be the man. I’m grateful, that I haven’t made him feel differently.

This was on my mind, today. So, I wanted to write it down.

~Nickelback

I woke up with swollen eyes, from bawling, last night. Jelly’s documentary was amazing. He said some things that hit me hard. I didn’t expect to get so emotional, but boy did I!

Struggle Jennings was also there, with his wife. Jackie and I got to see some of our favorite artists. It was a blast! We made friends with some people around us, and exchanged phone numbers. We’re all going to the Sounds baseball field, next Monday. Adam and Justin got us tickets to an event they’re doing there. Jelly Roll will also be at that one. We’re finding lots of fun Summer activities!

Jackie came over, earlier. She likes to use my Ninja cooker, to steam eggs. She brought a couple dozen eggs, to do here. The best way to hard boil eggs, is steaming them in that cooker. They always come out perfect, and super easy to peel. I’ve got stuff to make Ziti, for supper. I’ve been a little drained, today. It was a blast, last night, but I’m tired! It was after midnight, when I got home. Adam was still up, waiting for me. I expect it’s going to be an early to bed kind of night, for us.

Jackie and I are taking the kids to swim, at Poppy’s, this Friday. Saturday, Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I are making a Costco trip, and picking up someone from the airport. We’re definitely keeping busy!

I hung my flags, out on the deck, today.

Tomorrow is already June!? Time really does seem to be flying by. I don’t have much anything serious or deep, to write. I could mention how I saw my sister’s nails were done, after she got back from a trip visiting her mother. I could talk about the way that made me feel, knowing she spent time with someone (our mother) who never wants to spend it with me. I could describe the hurt I feel, about something so small, but I just don’t want to. I’m not in the mood to feel sorry for myself. Things have been going so great. I’m enjoying the happy, and choosing not to let anxiety, or sadness, take over. I’m good.

Ooh baby, ooh baby, proceed with caution
Move baby, move baby, we’re in the darkness
Ooh baby, ooh baby, why I’m so heartless?
Dearly departed, dearly departed

More money more problems no changing that
They pop in when they need you and fade to black
Talking this, talking that but let’s state the facts
So many knives in my back, I can make a map
I woke up and I pray for you man, and I pray for your fam
If a man gets bit for holding a snake in his hand
Who do you blame, the snake or the man?

~Jelly Roll & Struggle Jennings

I have used a bunch of Jelly’s songs as titles, already. This was one I was pretty sure I hadn’t. He’s got a lot of great ones. I just got done taking a shower, and put on a cute dress to wear to his documentary premier, this evening. Jackie and I are heading there around 5:30. Adam and the kids are going to get some pizzas, for supper. I still have to fix my hair and makeup. I’m excited to go out, with Jackie, tonight! We’re going to have a great time.

Besides that, I really don’t have much to write about. My baby niece, Pj, has her first viral infection. Poor baby is feeling awful. She’s got a fever and congestion. She just turned 6 months old, on the 25th. The doctor assured them, it’s just a virus. Still, it’s awful seeing her so miserable!

Everyone, at our house, is doing good. We don’t have much to whine about. Adam told me he was proud of me, last night. I haven’t said, or done anything wrong, in a good while. When I do screw up, and get spanked, I always feel the need to have him make love to me. I want to get that reassurance, in the kind of way only sex can provide me. When it’s been awhile, since I’ve had a sore behind, I get much more aggressive, in our bedroom. I find a confidence that gives me desires I don’t express, when I’m feeling humbled. I want to be on top. I’m willing to tell him exactly what I want him to do to me. Sex becomes more about the physical pleasures, than emotional. Don’t get me wrong, I always appreciate the effect it has on me, emotionally. It’s just a different experience, when I’ve been a “good girl”. I get to be a “bad girl”, in bed. It’s fun.

I’m going to go do my best to make myself cute, for my night out. I need to figure out what I’m doing with my hair. It’s so much work to straighten my curls. I’ll probably just go with my natural curly hair, and do my best to tame it. Pictures from our evening will surely be forthcoming, tomorrow!

Back where I come from
Where I’ll be when it’s said and done
And I’m proud as anyone
That’s where I come from

Some say it’s a backward place
Narrow minds on a narrow wage
But I make it a point to say
That’s where I come from

Back where I come from
I’m an old Tennessean
And I’m proud as anyone
That’s where I come from

It’s a beautiful Summer day, here in Tennessee. The guys are smoking some ribs. We’ve all been swimming in Poppy’s pool. We’re just having a fun family day, thanks to all the men and women we’re honoring on this Memorial Day. I’m truly grateful and blessed to live this life I do. We’re just hanging out, at Poppy’s. Swimming, barbecuing, playing cornhole, and spending time with people we love. It’s perfect.

I started the above, while we were still at Poppy’s house.

It’s been an awesome day, for our “summer kickoff”. It’s officially Summer, now! We’re on our way back home, now. Jackie and I are planning to bring the kids back to Poppy’s soon, to swim again. I’m sitting in the passenger seat of Adam’s truck. He’s “racing”Justin (and Jackie) home. We’ve been swerving in and out of traffic. Men…😆

Jackie and I are going to see the Jellyroll documentary, with him, tomorrow evening. That’s going to be a lot of fun! It’s been a perfectly amazing weekend, here. We’re going to go help Justin unload his smoker, and then head home. Tomorrow is back to the “real world”, for Adam. The kids and I are on Summer break! That will be our first “official” day of our Summer break. I can’t wait for our Summer shenanigans. It’s going to be a great Summer!

Remember when we vowed the vows and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start and it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
Was the music we danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we’d never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookin’ back, it’s just a steppin’ stone
To where we are, where we’ve been
Said we’d do it all again
Remember when

~Alan Jackson

I’m sitting downstairs, watching a documentary about how our country illegally spied on us, following 9/11. Adam and the kids are upstairs, watching a SpongeBob movie. We went to church, this morning. Jackie and Justin rode there with us. When we got back, they went home, and then Adam and Wyatt cut the grass. Mj helped me pull weeds out of the rock bed, in the front of our house. A friend of Adam’s stopped by. We sat on the patio and chatted with him, for awhile. We just ate leftovers, for supper. I got the kitchen cleaned up, made myself some French vanilla cappuccino, and came downstairs. It’s cozy in here.

Tomorrow, we’re going over to Poppy’s house. The kids are excited to swim in his pool. He’s grilling for everybody. It should be a fun afternoon. We’re just having a lazy Sunday evening here, tonight.

Last night, we stayed up way too late. Justin and Jackie hung outside with us. It was a beautiful night, too. Today was much cooler. Only mid 70’s. While we were out back, with Justin and Jackie last night, Jackie had called Justin an “idiot”. She told me she could tell right away, how uncomfortable that made me. It did! I would never say that to Adam! First of all, that’s a level of disrespect that, not even my mouthy self, would consider. Secondly, I can’t imagine the spanking that would follow. I love Jackie, but she really doesn’t show Justin the respect he deserves. He treats her so damn good! I quietly wish like hell he’d stand up to her, sometimes.

I think I’m going to go take a bath. I’ll soak in a warm bubble bath, and get ready for bed. I don’t plan on sleeping, right away, though. I’ll make my skin soft and vanilla scented, with lotion. I’ll put on one of my slinky summer nightgowns. Then, Adam will take it off of me, and I’ll wind up smelling like him. Sounds like the perfect ending to this Sunday.

~Jake Owen

Last night was a lot of fun! We didn’t stay out too late, since Adam had to go into work the next morning. The fajitas were delicious. Jackie and I whooped the boys behinds at cornhole. It was gorgeous outside. Just a perfect Summer weekend kind of night.

I’ve been cleaning, organizing, and decorating. Today, I worked on our basement game room area. I want to hang pictures of the kids in their various sports uniforms, Adam’s college football pictures and jersey, my cheer pictures, and my brother, Justin, and my sister’s husband’s military pictures. I intend to make that whole back wall a family sports themed one. I’ve included some Nashville Preds stuff, and will hang some Husker football things too. It’s fun, figuring out how I want to decorate the space.

Jackie and Justin will be here in about an hour. Adam is snoozing in his chair. We’re going to grill supper, tonight, and then plan to hang outside together. Wyatt’s over at his friend’s house. Mj is mad at me, because I wouldn’t let her go somewhere with no adult supervision, with kids I’ve never met, and not a single parent’s phone number available for me to contact. I’ve had a rule forever, that the kids can’t go anywhere until I’ve met the adults who will be there. That one is non negotiable.

I’m feeling ornery, this evening. I don’t want to cross any lines, but I’m in the mood to get a little rise outta Adam. I guess we’ll just see where this night takes us. 😉

I believe that in years to come
When the mountains have crumbled to dust
And all the oceans have all run dry
And the cars in the street turn to rust

Our love will still be there
Our love will still be there

When the rain from the sky don’t fall
And the stars they don’t shine at night
When all the nations have made their wars
And the soldiers have all had their fight

Our love will still be there
Our love will still be there

I’ll always love you
No matter what comes in our path
I’ll always need you
Like I have done in the past

So when the days and the nights are joined
And the baby does no longer cry
When man has been to the ocean depth
And reached out his arms for the sky

Our love will still be there
Our love will still be there

I’ll always be there
In your ups and in your downs
I’ll even love you if the world stops going ’round

Our love will still be there
Our love will still be there…

~The Shivas

I’ve been hanging out with my kiddos. They had some friends over, earlier. I got laundry done, and cleaned all the floors. Justin and Jackie will be here, in a little while. We’re going to make fajitas for everybody, this evening, and then hang out. Adam has to go into work, tomorrow morning, for a little bit. He’s off Monday, for Memorial Day, though. We’re all going over to Poppy’s house, Monday. We’re going to barbecue and swim. I also got a guitar night scheduled. Everybody teases that I’m the “manager”, because I help facilitate those guitar night get together. We’ve got a “gig” planned, for July 8th, now.

Jackie and I are going to the taping of a documentary on Jellyroll, next Tuesday. We’ll get to watch the whole thing, and then there’s a whole Q & A part, too. That’s going to be a lot of fun!

I haven’t found any trouble, with Adam. We’ve been busy, and happy. No issues to report, right now. My period came exactly on schedule, this month. I just got over it, yesterday. So, last night I was finally able to get my husband back between my legs again. I’d missed him. Oliver ran right into my right ankle and foot, the other day. It’s very swollen and bruised. We aren’t exactly able to perform any gymnastics, in the bedroom, because of it. Still, we made it work. 😉