~Tom Petty

My dad has this title tattooed across his forearm. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers was his most favorite band. He sounds a lot like him, when he sings, too.

We had our annual water balloon fight, this afternoon. It’s become our “Summer kickoff” tradition, for as long as I can remember. Jackie was here, hanging out. Justin came by, when he got off work. Mj attempted to get him, but it didn’t work out too well. When Adam text me he was headed home, she went and hid around the corner, waiting for him. She got him with a couple water balloons. 😊 I have a latex allergy, so I couldn’t throw any of them, but I love watching everybody have fun.

We’re fixing BLT’s for supper, tonight. Jackie went home, to fix supper for her and Justin. She’s coming back here, in awhile. We’re going to drive to the airport, together, at 2:30am. We’ll get back, in an hour or so, and then take a nap. We’re talking about going swimming, tomorrow afternoon. Poppy’s sand filter was having issues, so he had to replace it. He’s hoping to have his pool ready to swim in, by Memorial Day. Jackie’s complex has a pool we can swim in, though. We’re all planning to go to his place, this coming Monday. We’ll swim, barbecue, and hang out.

I’ve got an appointment, Friday after this one. They’re going to run some tests. I’ll have a needle pressed into the lump on my breast, to take a sample of whatever’s inside it. I’m not sure what else they’ll be doing? I’m feeling confident it’s nothing serious, though. The lump has gotten smaller, the last couple days. That makes me feel assured, it’s just a cyst.

Wyatt’s at a Summer baseball practice, already tonight. The chaos never really ends, but I still love Summertime. I so enjoy these days, with my babies. We sometimes go get ice cream, for lunch. We go swimming, and grab a frozen lemonade, from Chick-Fil-A, on our way home. We go hiking, at local caves. We go up to the trampoline park, near us, and jump until our legs our jelly. We find plenty of ways to have fun, together. There aren’t words to describe how much I cherish these days.

I suppose it’s time to get our BLT’s started. I don’t have much else to share, today. It’s just been another beautiful day, with my people. ❤️

~Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

This morning, after I got the kids off to school, I got the whole house picked up, made beds, unloaded the dishwasher, and cleaned up the kitchen. I got myself dressed. I’m feeling real good, today.

Mj had her awards ceremony, last night. She got honor roll, Principal’s list, and a Math award.

Wyatt doesn’t do terrible, in school. He gets mostly A’s and Bs, with occasional C’s thrown in. He just isn’t quite as motivated as his sister, academically. His passion is more in the extra curricular activities. He’s got Summer baseball, beginning tomorrow. His dad was the same way, as a kid. Mj takes after her mama. My lowest grade, when I graduated, was a 104%. It was mostly due to my competitive nature, that I did well in school. I have always had this drive inside me. If one of my friends got a better grade than I did, I would work my butt off, to do best the next time. I know what I’m good at, and what I’m not. The things I can do well at, I make sure I stand out. I suppose that’s exactly how Adam and Wyatt see things. They “show off”, in the things they’re best able to.

Jackie came over, this afternoon. She helped me hang a new sign I got, for the downstairs patio. I love it!

We’re currently on the hunt for more things to decorate the patio walls with. Might have to make another trip thrift shopping?

I’ve got meatloaf in the oven, for supper. I’m making macaroni and cheese, and green bean casserole, to go with. Today was the last day of school, for the kids. They’ve got friends over, and they’re outside playing now. We have a tradition, we’ve had for years. Tomorrow, we will have friends over, and have a water balloon fight. I always buy a bunch of water balloons, for the kids. It is our summer “kick off”. Summer break is finally here! I’m not going to let anything hold us back, from having an amazing one. I absolutely love my summers, with my babies.

Jackie is planning to ride with me, to pick up a friend of ours, from the airport. It’s a ridiculously late flight. We’ll have to leave the house by 2:30am, Thursday morning. She’s going to spend the night here, and stay up with me. Then, we’ll drive over to the airport together. Justin just texted me, being silly.

That’s about all I’ve got, for today. Nothing but joy has been had. That’s my daughter’s middle name. Morgan Joy. That’s where the “Mj” comes from. I had one of those 4D sonograms done, when I was pregnant with her. I have the print off from that. She smiled, in it, from inside my belly. That’s when I told Adam, that I thought “Joy” was a perfect middle name for our baby. He loved it. And, that’s how we came up with our Mj. ❤️

I can’t hide myself
I don’t expect you to understand
I just hope I can explain
What it’s like to be a man
It’s a lonely road
And they don’t care ’bout what you know
It’s not ’bout how you feel
But what you provide inside that home

Yeah, I know this life can really beat you down
You wanna scream but you won’t make a sound Got so much weight that you’ve been holdin’
But won’t show any emotion, as a man, that goes unspoken
That we can’t cry when life gets hard
Unconditional love’s for women, children and dogs
We know that we just have to play our parts
And don’t nobody give a damn about our broken hearts
As a man, we gotta pave our way
Our only function is to work and slave
There’s no respect for you if you ain’t paid
You’re disregarded as a human and you can’t complain
And if you ever make it up and actually reach that place
And find a woman that you love and give her your last name
You’ll feel the things that you provide is only why she stays
And when you try to explain, you’ll say

I can’t hide myself
I don’t expect you to understand
I just hope I can explain
What it’s like to be a man
It’s a lonely road
And they don’t care ’bout what you know
It’s not ’bout how you feel
But what you provide inside that home

Don’t give up, keep fightin’
As a man, our son is our horizon
And our fathers’ actions play a role and we end up like him
So they can’t let us see them hurt
‘Cause we’ll embody what they do and start a generational curse
No wonder most men are so depressed
All the things that they can’t express
They go to war, get thrown on the shelf
Then go back to war with their mental health
Then grab that bottle and ask for help
Try to pull themselves out of hell
Then fall back down and then realize
That they gon’ have to do it themselves
It’s the circle of life, as a man, you provide
They don’t know what you’re worth ’til the day that you die
And that’s when they start cryin’
Then move on to a man to confide in
That’s why we feel

We can’t hide ourselves
We don’t expect you to understand
We just hope we can explain
What it’s like to be a man
It’s a lonely road
And you don’t care ’bout what we know
It’s not ’bout how we feel
But what we provide inside that home..

~Dax

Dax released this video, about a month ago. The song really hits me. I see my husband, my father, my brother, and so many other amazing men throughout my life. I’m not a man. I can’t ever fully understand their existence, in the way a man does. I do empathize, though. I do recognize they have unique challenges, and experience life differently than I do.

I haven’t said anything here, until now, but I’ve had my own “weight”, I’ve been carrying for several days. I’m so tired of talking about, and making others worry about, my health. It seems like things have been crashing into me. Like waves on a beach, they just keep coming. I’ve been having some discomfort in my left breast. I found a lump, last week. I kept that to myself, until last Wednesday. Adam and I were in the shower, and he noticed I was spending a lot of time touching my own chest. I asked him, “Do you feel this?” I took his hand, and placed it over the spot I’ve felt the lump in. He pulled away, startled. I could see the concern, on his face. Immediately, I shifted my thinking from myself, to him. I can’t stand to give him additional burdens. I wanted to assure him. I explained, it’s almost certainly nothing to stress about. There’s plenty of explanations for things like this.

Our family doctor referred me to a women’s clinic, last Friday. I was told they’d be contacting me, to make an appointment ASAP. I so wanted to have a fun weekend, with my family and friends. When my daughter and I got home, from our appointments, I couldn’t bring myself to tell Adam the whole truth. Instead, I told him the doctor believed it’s just a cyst, and referred me to this other place “for follow up”. That’s not entirely untrue. He did mention, it could be a cyst. He also had enough concern, to refer me to another clinic. I simply played it down, so as to avoid causing additional stress on anyone else. My aunt passed away, after a battle with breast cancer, just months ago. Adam’s lost his dad, and his best friend, to cancer. That word, and the mere idea of it, scares him to death. So, I just cannot put that weight and worry on him, unless (or until) I absolutely have no other choice. There’s still a very good chance, it’s nothing serious. That is the truth.

I got the phone call, earlier today. I’ve been filling out online paperwork, and waiting to find out when exactly I’ll be going in there. It’s lonely, keeping these things to myself. It feels like I’d be so selfish, if I didn’t, though. How much of my bullshit am I really supposed to “dump” on my husband’s shoulders, before it becomes too much? I never want him to hurt. I can’t stand to see the helpless frustration he feels, when there’s nothing he can do to “fix it”. I love my family so much. I want to always be strong, for them. It’s such an awful feeling, being seen as weak, incapable, or as if I must be treated like fragile glass that might break, if anyone puts any weight onto me. I need my husband and family to treat me the same as they always have. I need to know they see me as capable, and able to be the same “me” I’ve always been. We can play cornhole, paint a room in the house, go for walks, talk, and listen. I don’t want pity. No matter what happens, I never want to be seen as anything less than the person they know and can count on. I can take care of the things I need to. I’ve got this. I’ll be just fine, so long as you’re okay. All of this has got me thinking, is this what Dax was speaking about? Holding things inside, because you feel you’re supposed to be useful. Because your self worth is so tied into the value you provide to those you love.

It’s probably nothing, anyway.

~Drive by Lovers

I wanted to add these, yesterday, but I forgot to do it. I’ve had a lot of fun, this week, hanging out with everyone ❤️

I’m sitting in the waiting room, with my daughter. My least favorite thing about going to the doctor, is the waiting. It’s a sterile, chilly room. They always put the shittiest TV show possible, on the screens. No waiting rooms have magazines anymore, since Covid. So, like everyone else here, we just stare at our phones.

I’m anxious to get back home, and start our weekend. Our plans will depend on whether it rains, or not. If it doesn’t, we’ll be outside, playing cornhole, and hanging out. If it does rain, we’ll be inside, playing darts, ping pong, card games, and whatever other stuff we come up with. Either way, it’ll be fun!

Oh my goodness. I’d written all the above, waiting to see the doctor. The appointment took a whopping 10 minutes total. We got back in the car, to head home. Just as we got to moving, down the interstate, traffic slowed to a standstill. At precisely this moment, I received an alert from my news app. I-24 was shut down, due to a tractor trailer fire. It has literally just happened. It took us 3 hours to get home… I was hangry, when we finally walked inside. Adam was already home. We’re having a “fend” night, for supper. I made myself some mozzarella sticks, in the air fryer. The kids wanted spaghettiOs. Those cans of tiny circle shaped pasta, with meatballs. Adam reheated some leftover chicken.

Justin and Jackie will be here soon. Our other friend’s on their way. The sun decided to come back out. So, it looks like we’ll be hanging outside, tonight. I need a beer. It’s been a long day!

A couple days ago, I started to lose my voice. I periodically develop laryngitis, randomly. I’ve been that way, since childhood. I suppose I probably talked and sang too much, over the weekend… I had almost no sound, besides a squeaky, hoarse one, for 2 whole days. Today is much better. Not 100%, but much better!

Jackie and I have been hanging out, most everyday, this week. We worked on some crafting projects, and got my basement guest room painted, finally! I’m sooo happy with the way it turned out!

Tomorrow is Friday, again. I have to take my daughter to a doctor’s appointment. Then, it’s time for our weekend shenanigans. We’re having a couple of friends come here, for the weekend. Justin and Jackie will also be here, of course. It should be a lot of fun. 😊

A couple days ago, I cut my middle finger on tin foil, as I was covering a dish. It was a deep cut. I’d kept a bandage over it, until last night. While Adam and I showered, I removed the bandage. We were playing around, being silly. I asked him if he wanted to see my “wound”? Then, I held up my middle finger to his face. I was, clearly, provoking him. He had just teased me, so I was responding with my middle finger, “not so subtly”. He gave my behind a smack, but that was it. That’s the only infraction I’ve had, for awhile now. We’ve just been having fun, being silly.

It’s been a busy day. The kids have friends over, so the house is a little crazy. I’m just fixing my homemade cheeseburger macaroni, for supper. Adam had to work late, so he’s not even home yet. The kids have only a few more days left, before Summer vacation. It’s almost “officially” Summer time, here. The chaotic fun is my favorite. I will try to do a better job of writing here, in the mornings, once the kids are on their break. It’s just been a whirlwind couple of days. I haven’t had any time, to sit and write out my thoughts. I decided to take these few moments, while I’m cooking supper, to leave an update. I’m good. Everything’s great. Having too much fun keeping busy with the people I love here, is all ❤️

Yesterday, when Justin and Jackie came over, she’d given me a Mother’s Day gift. She also had a card, with a letter she’d written to me, inside. I planned to wait until they’d left, to read it. By the time they went home, I needed to get supper started. I got busy with cooking, cleaning up, getting the kids ready for Monday, and Adam and I needed to take our shower. I had left the card downstairs. This morning, after everybody was gone to work and school, I went down there. I like to clean up things that weren’t put away, and straighten up. I saw the card, sitting on the couch. I sat down to read it. My goodness, I love my best friend. She wrote the most touching things.

When Jackie moved in with Justin, she took a homemade decorative thing that said “EAT”, we’d hung in my dining room. She made me a new one, for Mother’s Day. I love it!

After a very unproductive Sunday, I’ve gotten busy today. I had a lot to do. I needed to get this week’s menu planned, and the groceries I’d be needing. The floors needed swept, vacuumed, and mopped. Bathrooms needed to be cleaned. Bedding needed washed. I’ve gotten all those things accomplished. I’ve got about an hour, before the kids get home from school. I decided to make some brownies. So, I’ve got those baking, now. Jackie text and asked if I’d mind if she stopped by. I told her, of course not! She should be over, soon.

I had a fantastic weekend, with my family. We’re so close to Summer break, for the kids. I can’t wait! We already have lots of fun things planned. Adam and I are great. I think he actually has made progress, helping me to stop rolling my eyes at him. I haven’t done it for days, which is a big deal for me! If I understand, he means it, when he tells me something, I do work to “obey”. He’s definitely working to make sure I understand, when he means it, too. That helps to save us from misunderstandings, hurt feelings, as well as my behind.

It’s been important to me, that we don’t lose our playfulness. Adam and I tease each other. We laugh together. There’s a whole lot of silly, in our relationship. That’s something I love. We’ve had plenty of laughs and sarcasm, the last few days. It can be done, without doing the things he finds disrespectful, it turns out. That makes me happy. I know he feels the same. Progress is being made!

Another summer day, has come and gone away…

~Michael Buble’

I woke up, this morning, and Adam was already up. I got out of bed, and started to walk out of our bedroom, when Adam stopped me. He told me to stay in bed. I could smell breakfast cooking. Adam and the kids made me English muffins with sausage, egg, and cheese. They cut up a bunch of fresh fruit for me, and brought a glass of orange juice, too. I was served breakfast in bed. They even cleaned up all the dishes they dirtied, making breakfast. I also got some pretty flowers, from Adam and the kids.

Jackie and Justin came by, this afternoon. She brought me a homemade gift, and a card. Inside the card, she’d written the most heartfelt and sweet message. I’m so blessed!

It’s hot, today. Between 90 degree temps, and the humidity, the house was growing intolerably warm. I broke down, and we cut on the air conditioning. Justin, Jackie, Adam, the kids, and I sat downstairs. They played some video games, and we all hung out for awhile.

I’m just making chicken strips, fries, and some Kraft Mac and cheese for supper, tonight. It’s been a very quiet, lazy day. We had a great weekend. I haven’t done or said a thing that Adam considers crossing over the line. We’ve just had a lot of fun.

~Niko Moon (Good Time)

Last night, we had a blast playing cornhole outside, with Justin and Jackie. It was a really fun Friday night! The kids played with us, for awhile, and then they went in and turned on a movie. They’re loving the basement space.

We all went to Costco, today. Adam has a Sam’s Club membership, and Justin has a Costco one. We make trips together, so we can all take advantage. We spent way too much money, but it was fun, and we don’t have to buy any meat for a long while now! The kids got an entire meal, eating samples, in the store there. Justin and Jackie are heading over, here soon. We’re going to grill some steaks, brats, and burgers. I imagine we’ll end up getting out the cornhole boards again, later.

It’s just another great weekend, with my favorite people. ❤️

It’s Friday. I got our my bill planner book, and paid or scheduled all the bills I needed to take care of. I’m actually way ahead on our mortgage payments, and I’ve been staying on top of everything. The kids needed more lunch money, for school. The school charges their lunches, if their balance runs out, and then send emails billing what’s owed. I’d forgotten to send lunch money with them, for a few days. Yesterday, Adam saw that I hadn’t gotten that done, and he called me out on it. I had cash ready to go, but it kept escaping my mind. Adam has been asking me to get that done, all week. When he saw that I hadn’t, he told me I’d be getting a spanking. I thought that was excessive, and I didn’t agree with his insistence that it was justified. I didn’t get angry, with him, but I didn’t understand why this was such a big deal, to Adam. When we went into our bedroom, he explained, “It’s like any other bill. You need to be responsible with it. I also asked you specifically to get it taken care of, for days. When I tell you to do something, I expect it to get done.” Hearing Adam lay it out that way, I realized why he felt the way he did. I really didn’t want my butt to be sore. I understood why, though. Honestly, he didn’t spank me nearly as hard as he could’ve. I think he took pity on me, since I’d just gotten a bad one…the worst one. It didn’t feel good, but I didn’t shed any tears.

We had another good shower talk. When Adam and I were fighting, the other night, he’d said something to me that bothered me. In his exasperation, he’d asked me, “What do you want me to do, then? You want me to punch you?” Although I’ve never once been afraid of him hurting me, not ever, that caught me off guard. So, last night, I brought it up. Adam and I have never really had a “boundaries” conversation. He’s never once crossed any of my lines, though. He knows them. Even so, I needed to discuss some of these things. I told Adam, I give no consent for him to punish any part of my body, besides my behind. Sexual things, and parts, are off limits. My face is never to be messed with. He looked at me with such a hurt expression, on his face. I reminded him of what he’d said to me, the other night. He said, “Baby, I would never hurt you. I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve never, and would never put my hands on you in anger. If I ever got so angry, that I wanted to hurt you, I would always walk away. I’ve never been that angry, though. I love you. I don’t want you to think I would ever do anything like that. Sex is completely separate from punishments. That’s never going to be something I will do to you, either. I promise you.” Hearing those words, coming directly from my husband’s mouth, that reassured all of my insecurities. We’d had the conversation. We both got to say our peace. I trust what he tells me. We’re good.

This morning, I was wanting to go thrift shopping, with Jackie. I’d texted Adam, to make sure he wouldn’t care.

We found some great stuff! It’s been an awesome day. Justin and Adam are here now, and we’re all just finishing up some pizza. We’re fixing to go downstairs, and play some cornhole. ❤️

Sometimes some girls make it easy on you. Some girls never do…

Jameson Rodgers

Yesterday afternoon, Jackie came over. It was a beautiful, sunny day. We sat outside, and waited for Justin and Adam to get off work. Our new TV had arrived, and I had a few other projects for the boys. They got everything finished, downstairs, and it looks great!

I made a big batch of sloppy joes. We all ate supper, and went out to the patio. Everybody sat out and bullshitted. At 9:00pm, it was time to get the kids to bed, and get Adam and my shower done. Justin and Jackie left. We put kids to bed, and then it was just Adam and me time. I read him my blog post, from both yesterday, and the day before. I felt like explaining my thoughts, from the day he’d messed with our thermostat, would help to give him more of my own perspective. He listened intently, and told me that all made sense, to him. We talked about how he could more easily let me know, when he’s really serious about things. Adam almost never calls me by my name. If he texts or says it out loud, I know he means business. I explained this, and Adam recognized that could be a good way to distinguish between teasing me, versus signaling his seriousness, in any situation. I could tell he’s been pondering over things, and genuinely wanting to prevent another night like the one we’d just experienced.

Adam melts, when I get upset. If I cry, he immediately softens, and wants to understand. If I get angry, and I defy him blatantly, it shakes his confidence. I truly haven’t ever abused this knowledge. I hate crying in front of anyone. I get frustrated with my weak ass self, when I cry! One thing my mama taught me, was to never let them see you cry. If she was angry, and I showed that kind of weakness, it only meant I had shown her exactly how to hurt me most. It gives a perfect insight, into what can be done or said to hurt me. It’s a strange thing, how I can know my tears are actually a weakness, for Adam. But, I can’t untrain my body and brain, from remembering don’t show weakness. The boyfriend I left home for, at 17 years old, was the same as my mom. If he hurt me, and I cried about it, he’d only get angrier. So, I never whip up any “fake tears”, for sympathy. Sometimes, I simply cannot stop them, though. “Puffing up my chest”, and acting “hard” and tough, that is much easier for me to do, when I’m upset. If I’m feeling hurt, or threatened, I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they’ve succeeded in doing so. All 5’2” tall, 92 pound me, will step to anyone, if I feel backed into a corner. I honestly realize, Adam knows this too. He understands me on such a deep level. More than anyone, except for maybe Jackie. He knows parts of me that she doesn’t. She probably knows parts that he hasn’t seen, too. When I’ve calmed down, and I see pain in my husband’s eyes, I feel horrible. I know damn well, he doesn’t want to hurt me. He hates to see my tears. He won’t “fight” me, no matter how angry, arrogant, bitchy, mouthy, I get. He isn’t going to harm me. I don’t need to escalate myself to that “fight or flight” level. I think it’s a trigger inside of me that I’m truly not sure I can change? Adam asked me, “Do you know why I spank you?” I think I’d just stared blankly, but he continued, “Because I can get your attention, let you know I’m serious, without actually hurting you.” And, he’s right. I completely agree! I accept it. I appreciate it. I know it’s been a huge benefit, for our marriage, for Adam, and especially, for myself. I’m not an unwilling participant here. I’m not afraid of my husband! My unexpected reactions can stem from things that have nothing to do with anything he’s done to me. I can be frustrated with him, but respond in my old ways, to that frustration. I follow the old script. The one I grew up learning, all those years. I want to “unlearn” those things, but I don’t know if that’s possible? I know I appreciate and love Adam, and all of his patience and understanding, with these things. I couldn’t count how many times he’s dropped everything, to make sure I’m okay. To do his very best to assure me of his love, even if I’ve lost my shit. Even when he’s bringing me into “his office”, there’s a gentleness he never lets go of. He isn’t harsh. He isn’t cruel. He does his utmost, to ensure I understand every why that’s led us here. My God, I have a husband who dearly loves me. Dear readers, please don’t ever mistake what’s essentially just my “diary” here, for a plea for help. I’m human. I need to express myself. I trust my husband, more than any person on this planet. He is the best man I know. I believe he’s the best one in existence, actually.