Yesterday evening, I shared part of my blog post with Adam. I write very honestly here, and he knows that, so I wanted to show him that I really was petrified the other night when I didn’t know if he was ok. I share my posts with him often. Even the ones that don’t exactly make me look the best. I know that it’s been incredibly helpful for him to get these glimpses into my thoughts and feelings through my writing. I am usually much better at writing my thoughts clearly and carefully, rather than saying them out loud, because I often wish I could take back some of the shit that comes out of my mouth to him. I don’t have to worry about that here. I can take my time to say what I mean to say.
I had to drive a friend to work yesterday afternoon and I text Adam about it. I have never in my life actually had trouble sitting after longer than maybe a few hours post spanking. I always thought of that saying “you won’t sit for a week” as being just a metaphor for “you’re gonna get it”. Adam told me, the other day, that it wasn’t a good week to plan on activities that required sitting down. I knew he was just trying to make sure I was understanding that he wasn’t planning to go easy on me when he got home. It wasn’t pleasant getting spanked, but I must’ve had a lot of adrenaline coursing through me, giving me protection from some of the stinging in my behind, because I’m shocked I could still feel it 2 days later!
Tuesday Evening from AdamYesterday Evening from Adam
Today is, FINALLY, Friday! This week seemed endless to me, for some reason. The weather has been gorgeous. Sunny and 70s all week. We have plans with some friends for Saturday evening. Tonight, we’re just staying in. Probably go sit out on the patio and hang out. Adam has been extra sweet and thoughtful the last couple of days. I really thought maybe I could convince him that spanking was the worst ever and to save those for the biggest offenses. It seems to have worked the opposite, because he feels like he was effective, so I’m afraid my days of getting only those half hearted smacks on my ass might be over now. Except, of course, the ones he playfully gives to me regularly. He keeps slapping my butt exactly where I’ve told him hurt the worst. I don’t think he feels guilty… That’s ok, though. I’m pretty certain that, next time, it’ll be at least as bad, if not worse. So, I’m also certain that I don’t want to find myself facing that again anytime soon. Maybe he was effective, I suppose? I’ve been extra sweet and thoughtful since then, too. Adam and I are great. It should be just a fun, playful, happy weekend!
I bruise easily. I get, what I call, “finger bruises” often. If I’m picked up under my arms, I can get them where I was held from. If I’m tickled, I’ll get them, and when I’m spanked, I sometimes get them. I have a few small “finger bruises” near my hip that Adam was noticing last night, in the shower. Likely, they’re from him holding me down when he had me bent over on our bed. I asked him “are you proud of yourself?” He gave me such a sincere look and said “NO. It’s very hard for me to have to spank you like that. I don’t regret it, but I’m sorry it came to that.” I remembered the last text messages we had sent that night, before he got home. I had text him “I love you [Adam] and I don’t want you to be mad at me or especially disappointed.” He responded back to me “I love you too. That’s why it pains me so much to have to do this.” Honestly, my butt is fine. It’s my ego that takes the biggest hit. Mentally and emotionally, there’s a powerful thing that happens to me when Adam spanks me. I feel sorry and ashamed, embarrassed, and “small”. I actually have a whole lot of power in our relationship, but not when I’m in trouble. I am at my husband’s mercy. I know that I’m safe. He would never harm me. I’m always nervous, but not because I worry that he will go too far. If anything, he’s too soft on me! When he had finished disciplining me, he stood back and asked me a question that I did not supply the correct “yes sir” response to. I giggled a little and I said something smart ass-ish. He told me he was trying to decide if the message had gotten through, and clearly it had not. He came back to me and yanked down my jeans (without even unbuttoning them) and pulled me over his lap and gave me two of the hardest hand swats he’s ever given. I pleaded with him that I didn’t mean it! I was just kidding! I’m sorry! I did not continue to give him anymore foolishness. He had successfully humbled me.
Jackie had driven over to my sister’s house to pick her up and bring her back over here for supper with us. My sister’s husband was gone for a couple of days for his work. Jackie knew all about my situation with Adam because I’d talked and texted with her about it most of the afternoon. I text her when Adam pulled into our driveway that I would let her know when to head back here. It was only about 10 minutes later that I text her again to let her know I was fine and come home and eat now. This was the following conversation…
Yesterday, Adam and I had been texting each other like we normally do periodically through the day. Until, right after noon I’d sent him something and got no response. I don’t freak out because his job has him moving from job site to site and he’s driving a lot or else he’s on site with the builders, so it can take a little while to hear back from him sometimes. After a couple of hours, I text him again asking if everything was ok? Still no response. An hour later, I tried to call him and it rang several times and went to his voicemail. Now that is very unusual. He can be in the middle of a meeting and, if I call, he’ll answer. We have an understanding. I don’t call him often. Text everyday, but calls from me always mean it’s something important. He calls me while he’s driving sometimes, but I don’t call him at work unless I need to get ahold of him now. My concern only grew after another hour passed with nothing from him. I thought about calling the office, but there are several locations in Nashville and I had no idea which one he would’ve been at. All I could do was keep trying to get ahold of him and wait. I would get anxious every time the dogs got excited at the window. Part of me panicked thinking, what if someone is here to tell me Adam got hurt really bad? Tears formed in my eyes every time thoughts like that raced through me. I kept thinking about how, just 24 hours earlier, I did not particularly want my husband to walk in the door because I knew he was going to call me into our room and spank me. Now, just 24 hours later, all I wanted in this world was for him to walk through that door. Finally, he pulled in our driveway. I ran out and said “WHAT THE HELL?!?! He showed me his phone. The entire screen was smashed. It had fallen out of his pocket while he was high off the ground and broken. I still lectured him that he could’ve called me from someone else’s phone, or the office!! He insisted he was not trying to make me worry and that he hadn’t gotten back to the office until after closing. He didn’t even go inside. Got into his truck and drove home. He did show me how he’d tried to use his phone through his truck’s Bluetooth and tell it to “call Eve”, but even that wouldn’t work. This morning, he’s getting a new damn phone! He had laughed at how worried I was when he got home, until later, when I tried to explain the overwhelming fear I had about someone showing up to tell me he wasn’t coming home. I don’t cry easily and I couldn’t even spit out the words without tears pouring down my cheeks. He felt terrible then. Promised me he would never do that again if this happens again. He would make sure to have one of the other guys at least call me to let me know what happened and that he was fine. I love that man so much! The thought of losing my one true love is more than I can bear to contemplate.
Yesterday afternoon and evening’s conversation with Adam…
Then, this morning’s conversation.
And, part of my talk with Jackie yesterday before Adam got home.
I really really took time to think about why it’s so hard for me to just tell Adam shit sometimes. Especially knowing he will never be angry or mean to me when I’m just up front. It’s probably a control thing, to be honest. I’m fighting for it, whether I truly want that power or not. I’m still convinced that he will let shit slide the way he used to (at least the last few years). He’s been much more “strict” than he was ever before, too. We talked last night and he never wants to abuse his authority, but he also says he’s not going to back down when he knows it’s time to stand up. Which, I mean, I get that. There are fragments of time, for me, where I just don’t feel like going along with Adam’s instructions. Not because I think he’s wrong, mostly just because I guess I’m that stubborn? I don’t quite know. This morning, something came up that I wasn’t excited to tell him about. Nothing that was my doing, just life crap I didn’t want to dump on him. I did tell him right away, though. I told him I feel like I don’t want to keep handing him these “pebbles”, because even small ones start to get heavy. He told me that he can handle all the shit I give to him just fine, but he’d much rather I hand him pebbles than stand here waiting til I’m throwing a boulder at him. Ok…makes sense. I don’t like to weigh him down with stuff that I think I can handle myself. He tells me that’s his job. I suppose this is my personal struggle to get right with. Well, with Adam’s help, anyway.
This is what started the ball to rolling, yesterday. Then, he walked inside after work, and gave me a grin and a kiss and told me “thank you for doing all that today, boo”. Well, how the heck am I going to say anything then?! This is how minor issues become major problems. Stupid, ridiculous crap. I don’t feel like it’s a big deal, at the time. I like to hear him tell me “great job”. I really enjoy an evening with him when there’s not one damn thing he’s telling me to make sure I get done. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking about crap. Maybe it’s purely selfish? I don’t know. It’s the honest truth, though. I don’t want him to be serious with his damn belt! I absolutely hate to hear him tell me he’s disappointed in me. My God, it’s the worst. I know all of these things, but still feel it’s easier to “sidestep” the truth to him sometimes. Always with stuff that, in the grand scheme of stuff, doesn’t matter. I’ve got to knock this shit off. I should think before I open my mouth (or send a text). I need to stop assuming it won’t matter. It always matters. Clearly, this is something that I recognize isn’t good, or right. Obviously, this is something that Adam has spent time recently trying to get me to figure out. I’m stubborn as hell. I’m still fighting him, even though I know it’s the best thing for him to hold my “feet to the fire”. Even though I understand he’s trying to help me. I don’t think of it as testing him or pushing his buttons. I honestly figure I’m going to get away with it when I “sidestep” something. Because IF it does come up later, I always have the option to say “well, I did get shit figured out. I just didn’t tell you I have more shit to do now, too”. I do not even consider that this might end up bad for me. I seriously need to get it through my thick skull that Adam means it, and he means it always. Not just when I tell him to, or when I want him to. He’s serious, regardless of whether or not I feel like he should be. I’ve gotten away with so much crap using my incredible argumentative skills. I’m either a genius or an idiot, because I have talked so much with Adam that, at this point, he’s aware of every move I’m about to make in an argument, before I even say it. He’s got the “floor plans” of my brain.
I haven’t said anything to him. At least, not yet. I don’t really feel like being in trouble today. I don’t know if I can handle the guilt, though?
I kind of, sort of, totally did it again. Now, I’m struggling with what I’m going to do about it. I forgot a damn paper the doctor needs to sign for the school yesterday, and I didn’t get everything I needed on immunization records yet, because we have to do a follow up appointment. It’s a long, boring story, but it ends with me not, in fact, having all this shit done. Adam text and asked if I got this done. I replied, “I’ve got my shit figured out”. Technically, this is true. I know what to do. Adam would probably disagree with how “honest” I was with this reply, though. I know for a fact he would call this “sidestepping”.
I don’t know whyyy I didn’t just explain all this to him yesterday? I didn’t want to tell him I hadn’t gotten everything I needed. On the way home, a car in front of me, on the interstate, threw up a big rock from their tires and it cracked my darned windshield. I called insurance right away when I was back home. I handled that. Already have someone coming to replace my windshield tomorrow morning. I had gone into the doctor. Took almost an entire morning and afternoon to do it. I felt good about how much I had gotten done! Maybe I wanted Adam to be proud of me? I swear, it’s like instinct for me to find a way to tell him the truth, without telling the whole truth. At least, it is when it comes to crap like this. I don’t quite know how I’m going to get out of this now. I have to fax a document to the doctor for signature, which requires me sending it with Adam to work. I have to make, yet another, appointment, which is going to be hard to do without him wondering why!
He was suspicious last night. Or maybe I was just giving off my own suspicious vibes that he picked up on? I had an opportunity to tell him what was up in the shower, but I didn’t. He asked me if there was something I wasn’t telling him. I turned around like I was rinsing my face in the water, and I told him “nope”. There may be no way to argue that that wasn’t a whole ass lie, either. So, my hole is dug even deeper. And why?! Why am I so stupid with stupid crap he wouldn’t have gotten upset with me about? I can’t explain my reasoning, because it’s plain stupid. I have got to stop doing this shit! I should’ve, at least, come clean right away last night. I didn’t want to disappoint him. So, I lied to him, making future disappointment that much bigger. Stupid.
I’m literally shaking writing this down here. It seems so much worse when I spell it out like this. Like, fuck I told him a whole ass, plain and simple, no doubt about it, lie. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t ever do that when it’s big stuff. I can’t hold it in, even if I wanted to! Dumb crap like this, though…it’s so easy to convince myself it isn’t a big deal in the moment. Then, I wind up making things so much worse so that I’m at the point where it’s become a big thing. Now I’m to the point where I can’t hold it back anymore. I want him to believe me that I wouldn’t lie to him about important things. This shit isn’t helping me out, though.
I don’t know how mad he’s going to be, but I know it’s not good. I know he would be unbelievably pissed if he found out I did this before I could explain for myself. I know the right thing to do is to come clean before I dig this hole any deeper. I know I have got to learn to stop automatically “sidestepping” the truth when it’s something I don’t want to deal with. I didn’t realize I have been doing this so much until he started calling me out on it. I get it. The little shit, over time, makes it easier to cover up the big stuff later. You can’t tell a half truth, then a lie, and then not wind up telling bigger lies to keep up with the stupid half truth. I didn’t want to admit to him that I’d done that, again. So, now I’m here. Contemplating the best way to tell the truth and save my ass.
My kids call him “Poppy”. My sister and brother and I call him Pops or Poppy most times, too. Occasionally, he’s still called “Daddy”.
My Dad is awesome with a guitar, and even better with a pen and paper, writing songs. He’s an incredible artist, an amazing father and grandpa. It was a lot of fun getting to spend the afternoon and evening here with him ❤️
We have plans to spend the evening at his house October 22. Another friend of ours called me and gave me 2 Saturdays he’s open coming up so we could see if either of them worked for us to get together. I’m usually the one who organizes our shindigs and the 22nd was the Saturday that worked for everybody. One of my most favorite things to do is to sit out and sing, play guitar, and listen to their music. I’m already looking forward to it! We haven’t been over to my Pop’s house in over a month already. It’ll be a lot of fun.
I am taking our daughter to see her doctor this morning! Getting some shit off of my “honey do” list today. Saturday, I took our son to get a new pair of glasses and he’s trying out contacts for the first time now. With baseball, it’s going to be much easier for him to wear contacts than glasses. It’s a good thing Adam’s got perfect vision, because he is the biggest baby about touching his eye and glasses just aren’t his thing! Thankfully, our son is much more like his mama. Zero problems touching his own eyes or using eye drops. I think he’ll do just fine with the contacts.
Back to the weekday grind here. Adam left for work an hour ago. It’s about 5:45am now. I wake up the kids at 6:00am. Figured, since we’ve got her doctor appointment, I’m not going to get my quiet coffee time to write here like usual after they leave for school, so I did it early today.
Today is Sunday. We are having my dad and his girlfriend, my sister and her husband over today for dinner. I made brownies because it was my dad’s birthday last week and I wanted to do something nice for him. Adam and our son are our cutting the grass. My daughter helped me give the dogs a bath. It’s just a nice, easy Sunday and I love it!
I have nothing to report as far as I go. I’ve been great, Adam’s great, life is great. The only “issue” I have going on right now is with Jackie. Not her, specifically, her latest fling. He’s a bad guy. I felt it the first time I met him. I tried to ignore my intuition on this, but every time I meet him, I’m more convinced I’m right about him. I’d told Adam about things I’ve heard and seen while he was here. Last night, he was back here again, and Adam paid attention. He understood exactly what I was talking about. I’ve never had this happen before with Jackie’s “friends”. Even the one who was abusive, I didn’t pick up on it quickly like this. Maybe I’m more cynical now? I can’t decide what to do. Should I tell her? I just don’t know. Adam told me he absolutely trusts my gut and he’s on my side. He actually told me, “I would back you up even if I thought you were wrong, baby. But I think you’re right.” That means a lot to me ❤️
The last few days, I have found myself twice in situations where I had to decide between the raw and honest truth, or to do what Adam calls “side step” the truth. I never flat out lie to him. I choose my words carefully. For example, he wanted me to call a company who’s doing some work on our house to make sure they bill my new debit card instead of trying to pull it from my recently expired one. It just so happened that this company had someone stop by to do some measuring and stuff that very afternoon. I didn’t think I needed to call their office because I could look back and see the most recent bill paid was from my new card, so there should be no reason for worry. When Adam got home and asked me about this, I told him “I spoke to someone from the company today. There should be no issues when they pull the next bill at the end of the month.” Every word I said was truth. However, I knew he would assume that meant I’d called them. He told me “great job, boo”. I immediately followed him into our bedroom and told him the entire truth. He wasn’t thrilled that I’d “side stepped”, but he appreciated that I’d come clean right away and I showed him where they’ve already taken from my new debit card. I assured him that, if there was any problem, I would call them right away. I’ll watch to make sure they get paid by the end of this month. He smacked my butt a few times, but he wasn’t particularly angry with me. I can see in his face, hear in his voice, and feel on my behind when he’s being serious. He appreciates when I come clean, even if he might not like what I have to say. When I’m sincere and genuinely sorry, he never gets angry or disappointed in me like he will when he finds out that I’ve lied or disobeyed him and continue my attempts to hide it from him. If he discovers I’ve done that, the look on his face of hurt and disappointment, the way his voice changes to what the kids call his “dad voice”, and most definitely the seriousness I can feel when his hand, belt, wooden spoon, get brought down on my behind, are obviously different. I only get those type of spankings a handful of times a year. Last week, when he caught me in a lie, was one of those times. Last night, when I came to him and explained about the billing concern he had, was not one of those times. I know that he wants me to always come to him. I know that, when I do, he is never deeply disappointed, hurt, or angry with me. I know that we can talk about it, he might swat my butt a few times, and then we can go on with our day or night. When it’s one of those rare, serious punishments, I’m not going to be having any fun for the rest of the day or evening. Last night, we talked and he swatted my butt, and then we went downstairs to the patio and listened to music while we chatted with some friends. Everything was good. I much prefer this.
I really am trying to remember all of this. It is almost like instinct for me to automatically “side step” the truth if I think he won’t like it. It’s something I need to work harder on. His trust in me is so very important to me. He does know that I can’t look at him and lie. I won’t ever just make up a story to him. My issue is that I often find a way to tell the truth, without telling the whole truth. I know that’s still dishonest. I realize it’s not acceptable and why. I’m proud of myself for, at least, catching myself quickly and telling on myself, though. He sees that I’m putting more effort into this, and he appreciates that. He’s patient with me. He’s not mean to me, even when I’ve done something awful. I think he struggles sometimes with whether or how much to punish me because he doesn’t want me to conceal things next time because I’m afraid of what he’ll do. He’s teaching me that it’s always much better to show integrity and just tell the damn truth.
This is the belt. It doesn’t look as scary in this picture as it is to me looking at it. It’s really thick and wide and heavy. He doesn’t even keep it hung alongside all the rest of his belts in the closet. He leaves this one sitting out on a shelf just so I have to look at it everyday when I go into our closet. It had merely been a threat, but was never more than that, until Tuesday night. Last night, Adam and I were talking about it, and he made sure to let me know that was the easiest he would ever go on me with this belt. He assured me that, next time, it will be much worse. I’m not exactly sure whether that’s “merely” a threat, or a promise? I’m not looking to find out, right now, though! I have been “softer”, more careful with my words and my attitude. When Adam tells me something, I’m listening. I don’t want to act a fool and give him the impression that he didn’t punish me hard enough. I want him to know that I heard him, I saw him, and I certainly felt him when he “corrected” me.
It’s so different, lately. It’s only been recently that Adam has been seriously holding me accountable like this. He was never afraid to call me out on my shit before, but he absolutely calls me on all of my shit now. Things I used to get away with. Things I wouldn’t have even felt particularly guilty about before now. He ain’t playin’. I like it, though. It isn’t fun having my husband lecture me and punish me, but it’s like, okay, he’s got me, and I believe that. We went through such a difficult couple of years when my mother lost her damn mind for the last time. I don’t expect her to ever find it back, either. I’ve accepted that she’s gone. In many ways, it would’ve been much less complicated had she had some terrible accident and passed away, instead. I could hang her pictures in our home. I could talk about her with my kids and not have the deep sense of fear and hurt that comes over all of us when she comes up in conversation. My kids wouldn’t have these memories of their grandmother terrorizing us, threatening, and betraying us. I don’t think this will ever just stop hurting. It’s just that, I’ve reached acceptance. While this was all happening and the shit just would not quit coming, Adam did everything he could to comfort me. His heart broke for me and for our kids. He couldn’t take the pain away for us. I’m sure that he felt helpless for awhile. I think this is how I managed to get so used to not having him call me on my bullshit. At least, not very often. Slowly, and then quickly, he’s become the king here. He’s still, and always will be, my kind and generous, my silly and fun, playful and thoughtful Adam. He’s still these amazing things, to me. He’s also my fierce protector. My rock. He can use his big hands to hold me, make love to me, to gently caress my back. He also uses them to “correct” me when I’m wrong. His hands cause me both pleasure and pain. His hands are always guided by his love for me, though. And that is something I absolutely respect. I have a whole lot’a trust and faith in Adam. It’s even still growing, recently. I think this is why I feel like I’m danged near constantly screwing up. I’m not quite used to this version of Adam now. It’s a difficult thing to put into words here, but I’m trying. Stupid crap I do that I wouldn’t have thought twice about last year, I now think over and over about. I want him to keep up what he’s been doing, but I also convince myself he won’t. I tell myself while I’m saying or doing something I probably shouldn’t eh, he won’t reallypunish me for this. Then, I go ahead and say it or do it. Then, I start to wonder and worry. But, what if he does care? Should I tell him now so it isn’t worse if he finds out? I get a glimpse into his mood when I talk to him and decide whether I should say anything about it. Finally, I either chicken out, or I just come clean. There are 2 reasons for each one of those decisions I make.
1) If I tell him, and he doesn’t punish me, or at least let me know that isn’t acceptable, I’m going to find it much easier to keep doing what I’m doing. I clearly feel some guilt, which suggests that I know I’ve fucked up, but if he doesn’t care, then the next time I find myself in this spot, I won’t have the guilt. I don’t want to see him as “weak”. So, I keep my mouth shut and don’t confess it to him. OR, I go ahead and tell him because, why not? He ain’t gonna be upset!
2) What if I tell him, and he does punish me? What if he brings that god darned belt out of the closet? So, I chicken out. OR, I throw caution to the wind and confess because, dammit, I should be in trouble for this!
Adam has shown me that he does, in fact, mean it. He is like the Adam I knew a few years ago, only stricter now. Maybe he’s making up for lost time? Whatever it is, I’m really trying to understand, believe, and accept that this isn’t temporary. He isn’t going to “go back” to the pushover husband he became while we processed the trauma that was happening because of my mother. I sometimes do “test” him, and I know I shouldn’t. It’s part of my learning how much of my crap he will still actually take now. A lot of the things I screw up aren’t really because I intended to “test” him, though. It’s only that I didn’t expect he would care that much or punish me. That I wasn’t expecting to feel guilty and either tell him, or get caught. I want to be a great wife to him. I truly do! He’s the best thing God ever could’ve given me. Because of Adam, I have these beautiful babies we created together. I have the most amazing life. I have a husband who lives everyday to make things easier, better for me.
Chronicles in Submission 