I felt very strongly that I was not going to spend money for glasses I neither needed, nor wanted. In fact, I was willing to risk consequences for it. I knew with near 100% certainty that Adam was not going to spank me for it. I felt a little guilty for calling him on it, but I also felt I was doing the right thing. I’m not supposed to “brag” about it, but I did succeed at convincing Adam that I was in the right this time. I love him. I want to see him hold his ground (most of the time). I don’t know how the hell to submit when I absolutely disagree with something, though? I don’t want to just bust his balls. It’s sexy and he assures me that he really is the boss, the leader when he doesn’t back down. I don’t know how to explain it, because that’s exactly what I want (most of the time). This time, with this issue, I meant it as much as he thought he meant it. When I was finally able to do a better job of explaining where I was coming from, I think he understood that I wasn’t simply being a disobedient, disrespectful, brat this time. I wasn’t playing him. I could’ve done a better job of getting my side heard while continuing to be more respectful. I could’ve just shut up and did as he told me to. I could’ve. The question for me was, should I? Is this a time when I should stand my ground? I asked myself those questions. I honestly don’t know whether it’s partly because I’m stubborn as fuck, or all because I truly felt like I was right this time. If I had believed he would really spank me, would I have spoken up? I can’t answer that question, either. I think I still would have. I’m pretty sure I would’ve. I know I sincerely felt I was doing the right thing. I wonder then, did he sincerely feel he was doing the right thing? Figuring out how we handle disagreements like this in the future is not going to be easy. It is easy to accept and submit to Adam when I feel like he’s right. I want to be respectful, even when I feel he’s wrong. I want him to demand I be respectful, even when I don’t agree with him. I know I want that. What do I want when I’m sure I’m right, though? Do I want to win? I think so. I’m not exactly sure. I do root for Adam. I very much want him to feel confident and to not allow me to threaten his ability to lead with that confidence in himself. I found myself in a situation where I had such conflicting emotions. On one hand, I don’t want him to let me argue my way out. On the other hand, I want to argue because I deeply feel that I am not wrong! On one hand, I insist on having this go my way. On the other hand, I recognize that I am probably undermining my husband’s authority.

This is all my honest to God truth. I’m conflicted. I’m unsure. I’m doubtful and hopeful at the very same time. I know for sure that I wasn’t simply attempting to “play” on Adam’s emotions so that I could “win” this argument. I’m also sure that I don’t want this to be the beginning of the end of his reign as my king. I want to be his queen. I want to be second in command. It’s a weird thing to truly want those things, meanwhile also fight for his crown sometimes. I believe with all of my heart that every decision he makes is what he believes is best for his family. The next time something like this happens, I know I need to work on more clearly explaining my disagreement. I need to work harder on doing it without making Adam feel disrespected. I’m not going to pretend like the possible threat of my butt being whipped isn’t a deterrent. It can be a big reason for me to avoid doing or saying something. There’s another thing, maybe even worse than a spanking, though. If I feel positive his threats are empty, and then I “win”, his ability to lead is shattered. His confidence is lost. His manhood is damaged. He’s so kind and good to me. I don’t want to take advantage of that. I didn’t mean to do that, if that’s what it seems I did. My goal was to save money I didn’t think I needed to spend on myself. My goal was never to crush my husband. I just pray that isn’t what happened. Whether or not it was my intention doesn’t matter if we come away from this with bad attitudes. If I get cocky and he no longer holds his position as the head of our family, we both lose. I know for sure that I don’t want that, either. So, did I win? Yes and no I suppose.

I had text Adam that nobody was on my side and I’m getting ticked off.

Pig headed….

Mmmhmmm 🤦‍♀️

I might be stubborn, but I sure as heck ain’t the only one being ridiculous about a danged pair of glasses. Ones I don’t need.

Adam keeps telling me to make the stupid eye doctor appointment for myself, and I keep repeating that I’m not going to do that. It isn’t necessary! He insists that I agreed to do it this last weekend, when he punished me for being dishonest about missing our son’s appointment. It’s such a silly thing, but I’m just not gonna do it. I’m feeling seriously grumpy about it. Maybe it’s a dumb “hill to die on”, but dammit, I’m not backing down here. I’m happy to bring our son in. He needs contacts so he can wear them for baseball practice and games this year. That makes sense. It’s nothing but a waste of time and money for me to go in, though. Maybe I am being stubborn, disrespectful, disobedient…but I don’t feel wrong in my decision. I don’t honestly believe his “threats”. No way he’s going to spank me because I refuse to spend money on something I don’t need, or even want!! So, that’s where I stand.

On another note, Adam and I made a bet the other day. I’ve lost weight this last year. I had finally put on a healthy 15 pounds a couple of years ago, getting up to about 108 pounds. It looked good on me. The stress and my belly issues got to me over the last several months, and I’m back down to just about 92 -93 pounds. I would like to gain some healthy weight again, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds to do that. We decided that we’d give each other 2 full months and I would gain at least 10 pounds, while he would lose 10 pounds. We set 15 pounds as both of our goals, but 10 as a minimum requirement for our bet. We’ve got until November 7. Updates forthcoming!

My sister is having a baby girl due in November. Our daughter has a “double name”, nicknamed “MJ”. Her daughter’s will also be a double name, shortened to “PJ”. Jackie and I are throwing her a baby shower soon. We’ve been buying decorations and planning the games and food and all that. It’s been really fun watching my sister grow into her role as a new wife and mama. My wild, crazy sister is domesticated now! Her husband is a great man, too.

I’m going to go get some coffee and to sit out on our deck for awhile before it gets hot out. I have a couple of small errands to run, but otherwise, just staying home and getting some housework done today. I’ll post about it when I win this ridiculous eye doctor appointment debate with Adam.

Adam wants me to go into the eye doctor with our son so I can get new glasses. I hardly ever wear them anyway! The ones I have are fine. He told me, when I forgot our son’s appointment, to make myself one too. I don’t need to. He’s being a butthead…

We had a great time this morning at our little “rally”! Met a lot of cool people. The Army chaplain even came over to tell us he supported what we were doing and he said a prayer with the group of us. When we were finished, Jackie and I decided to call Adam and pretend like I had gotten arrested there. She’s really good at making stuff up for a laugh, so she called Adam and, unbelievably, he wasn’t even upset! She told him she was on her way to bail me out. A few minutes later, he text to tell her work was slow, so he would meet her there. I immediately called him to tell him nooo, don’t do that! We’re just playing! I was seriously starting to panic. It turns out, he knew we were full of it, so he turned the joke around on us… It’s been a wild morning.

Today is my little girl’s birthday. I’ve got an ice cream cake I’m going to make her and she requested “breakfast” for supper tonight. Going to make scrambled eggs, pancakes, bacon, and hash browns. I don’t make grits. I know we’re in the south, but eew. I don’t drink sweet tea either.

It’s a busy day here at my house, so I don’t have much else to report today.

I woke up at 4:30am wide awake and ready to start my day. I got up with Adam and used the hour and a half I had before it was time to get the kids up for school to drink my coffee and make some muffins for the kids. I’ve gotten a load of laundry folded and put away, dishwasher unloaded and reloaded with breakfast dishes, paid bills for the week, planned our menu for the week and ordered the groceries I need for them. Ordered some new baseball pants for our son, picked up the kids play area and made up all the beds. Jackie went into the office today, so I’m home all alone. Put some music on and enjoying this time by myself now.

My Dad’s been filming for a new show that will be coming out about what he does for a living. He’s in the music industry, of course, this is Nashville, Tennessee. I’m really happy for him! He’s the most humble, talented, creative, and amazing person. He’s going to be doing a song this Saturday where we’re playing as well. I’m excited because he’s always asked to play, but never has played at this place. He just comes to support everyone else. We finally talked him into it! My voice is back to nearly 100%. I think it’s going to be a fun Saturday night. I’ll make sure we get pictures 🙂

Yesterday was a quiet day. We didn’t do a whole lot of anything. Adam grilled us some really good spicy chicken for supper. I’m fixing to scrub the floorboards around the house and clean the grout in Adam and my shower. Super interesting stuff like that 😆 It’s a beautiful day, though. I feel awesome and energized. I appreciate the simple days like this. So does Adam…and my behind.

In our home, we recognize God as being the One who stands on the highest podium. Adam is placed on the second highest, followed by myself, on the third. I’ve realized that we hold those places based on a combination of our own desire and willingness to be there, as well as our unique abilities to keep each other “in our place”. We are accountable to one another. When I attempt to remove myself from my podium, Adam is charged with the responsibility to ensure that I remain where I belong. If Adam steps off his podium, he loses the authority he is charged with, and the respect given to him. I am in danger of jumping off of mine when he isn’t holding his place, also. I have been learning that the best way to ensure that he stays on his podium, is to remain tightly clinging to my own. When I recognize there is a real danger that he might be about to abandon his post, it is like instinct for me to want to jump from mine as well. It takes strength and sheer determination to choose not to do so. I’ve discovered that there is much benefit to this. I can both encourage my husband to either get right back up on his podium, or maybe even avoid him leaving it at all. I confirm to him my devotion to submission. Much like I “test” Adam at times to assure myself that he does “mean it”, I can show him that I, too, “mean it” when I reaffirm my desire to keep him in his role as a leader. I have a different hand in this “card game” we’re playing, but it’s still a powerful one when used correctly. I don’t spank him when he misbehaves. He still has accountability, though. It has only recently began to dawn on me that I have power, too. That I have the ability to, at least, encourage my husband to stay in his rightful place. I know I can’t force it, but I have a very large influence on his ability and willingness to stand tall on his podium. I also have the ability to discourage him in his role. To make him feel weak, powerless, and unwilling. He has never remained in those feelings for long, but my deepest fear has always been that he might give up on me.

It is a lifelong work in progress to learn how best to serve one another. We fail sometimes. We succeed often. These are my thoughts today. Life happens, we learn and grow from it, and our bond is made even stronger as a result.

Adam and I slept in on Saturday morning until nearly 8:00am. He and our son cut the grass while our daughter and I did some laundry together. It started to storm and rained enough to put us in a flood advisory by early afternoon. We sat in the family room and watched movies with the kids most of the afternoon. Adam grilled some burgers and brats for supper. I made some pasta salad to go with. It was a really nice, easy day!

Saturday evening, we decided to play some card games with friends. Jackie had apologized earlier in the day and things were fine between us again. We went to bed a little after midnight and all was well, until I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach. I had lied to Adam on Saturday morning about something incredibly stupid. I had scheduled an eye exam appointment for our son that was on Saturday morning at 10:20am. I’d gotten a call confirming the appointment on Friday and then, I received a text Saturday morning at 10:30am telling me the appointment had been canceled and to call to reschedule… because we hadn’t shown up. A little later, Adam had asked me “wasn’t his appointment this morning?” Instead of just being honest, I told him it was rescheduled and that I’d gotten a phone call about it a couple days ago. This wasn’t exactly a “lie”, but it wasn’t the truth, either. I truly didn’t even feel a little bit guilty about it yesterday. When I woke up today, though, I kept thinking what if he finds out? I finally got the nerve to ask Adam to come take a shower with me. This is a big, waving, red flag for him, because he knows I often ask to do this when I need to tell him something that he doesn’t want to hear.

When we got in the shower, I told him “I think I need to tell you about something, but I really don’t want to.” He was in such a good mood, too. I was seriously wrestling with myself about whether to say anything about it. It took me awhile to spit it all out. I kind of tried to lay out my defense as I explained the whole situation to Adam. He stood there looking down at me for an uncomfortably long time. When he finally spoke, he said what I already knew. “If I’d have just told him the truth yesterday, it wouldn’t have been such a big deal”. He told me he was disappointed in me, and that it does piss him off that I lied to him. My behind has purple spots on it now from just his hand being used to spank me. I have never actually gotten bruises before! I think it’s a combination of my immune system being run down, not eating well the last several weeks, low iron, and…his hand can do some damage when he wants it to. It hurts almost as bad as a spanking when he tells me he’s disappointed in me. I do feel sorry for that. When it was over, he wrapped his arms around me and told me how much he loves me and that he never wants to hurt me. He let me stay in his arms with my face buried in his chest for as long as I needed. And then, all was forgiven. It was over. The weight was lifted from my conscience. Later, I showed him the results of the spanking he’d given me, but just a little while after, I was being mouthy, and he grabbed a wooden spoon from the utensil holder in the kitchen and swatted my butt a few times with absolutely no hesitation. He definitely didn’t use as much force as he could’ve, but it still stung like hell! I have come to the conclusion that it would not be a wise choice to do anything more to get myself into trouble right now.

We got our patio set up last night. It was a lot of fun making it pretty down there.

Jackie had a friend come by and we all played corn hole for awhile. We were having a lot of fun, but Jackie had too much to drink. She tends to get dramatic and then angry when she does that. For some reason, she started to get after Adam. He wouldn’t ever talk to her like she was talking to him, but I sure as hell will. I finally had enough and, I kept my cool, but we went inside and she knew I wasn’t very happy with her. I love her to death, but don’t fuck with my husband. When we went inside, Adam told me thank you for sticking up for him and that he thought it was hot as hell that I did that.

I’m sure she will be sorry. Probably hung over as well. She’s one of the many people who won’t ever step to me because she knows I’m a force to be reckoned with. In high school, I could be a “mean girl”, but I’ve left that behind me. I never want to hurt anyone. I don’t back down, though. I have no doubt that, if she even remembers last night, things will be just fine today. I love to drink a couple beers and hang out with friends and family, but I can’t stand drunkenness. People get so stupid!

It was a really fun day with a lot of laughs! Just waiting on Adam to get home now so he can help us hang up our patio lights. We found lots of stuff for our deck and patio today. Had my trunk filled!