I’ve been arrested. Also, I got out of the handcuffs. I can make my hands smaller than my wrist, making escape easy.

I once snuck away from the Homecoming dance, and went driving around with some friends. Our driver was 14 years old, with a school permit. We thought we were so cool. The very next day, that friend died. He was with his dad. They got into a car accident. He was thrown from the vehicle, and didn’t survive. I went to his funeral. Seeing him lay in that casket, I made the decision that I would never look again. The image of my friend laying there stuck with me, forever. I’ve never chosen to walk past the casket of someone I loved, after that. I prefer to hang onto the memories of their life, not death.

When I was a toddler, I disappeared from my parents sight. They found me sitting with our elderly neighbor. Her name was Zula. After that, I went to visit her, every single day. I’d bring her mail in for her. I helped her find her cane often. She would make me peanut butter crackers, and leave little candies for me. She called them “fairy treats”. When I was 12 years old, I went to her house. I found her sitting on her floor, waiting. She knew I’d be coming. She’d fallen. I went and got help. She left in an ambulance, never to return to that home. She had broken her hip. She went to a nursing home, after that. I walked to that nursing home every Friday, to visit her. She passed away when I was 17 years old. I keep a card from her, in my hope chest. In her perfect cursive writing, are the words, “To my best friend”. She never had any children of her own. She left her home to my family.

These are actually all true…

We had so much fun, last night! I should’ve taken a picture of Poppy’s gravy. Justin said it’s the best biscuits and gravy he’s ever tasted, too! I’m telling y’all, it’s amazing.

I took a picture of the sky, when we were leaving for Poppy’s house, last night. It was gorgeous.

This morning, the sun is shining. It’s supposed to be around 60 degrees. We’re just going to have a nice, quiet day, at home.

My sister called, yesterday, and asked if we might be able to watch Pj, for a couple hours, today. I told her of course!

I made my rotel dip and chips, for the birthday party, this afternoon. We got Jackie’s niece a little ride on car, and some cute shirts. It was a fun afternoon.

We’re fixing to head over to Poppy’s house, now. Time for some biscuits and gravy, and guitar!

“…so much pressure I can barely breathe. My demons branding me like Yellowstone. Mama ain’t here no more to pray for me. I’m surrounded by hate, fake fame, and greed. The dark days always seem to find a way. I’ve been dealing with pain, but keep a smile on my face….I keep on goin’, cause that’s all I know. Turning off every emotion, I’m in airplane mode. I keep my past in the rear view, with my middle finger up screaming fuck you. I broke down, tore into pieces. Black clouds raining on me again. I can’t get away. Trying to get all this time I lost. I can’t get it back. One foot in, the other outside the door. I can’t make a mistake. This is real life today.”

~Seth Anthony

I know it probably isn’t the right thing to do, but I often build walls, when I’m afraid. If I’m feeling insecure, I will push Adam away. I don’t want him to move away from me. I want him to stand firm. I need to know he is still going to be there. The worst thing he can do, is move. If he doesn’t stay right where he says he’ll always be, I crumble. It isn’t fair for me to make Adam “pay for” the damage my mother has done to me, but the wounds she left have affected me deeply. I can’t help but worry that, if I fuck up, he might leave too. I think I have this fear that, if I’m not “good enough”, he might not want me anymore. I spent so many years of my life desperately trying to find ways to get affection from my mother. I tried so hard to be the daughter she expected me to be. To please her. To earn her love. And, when I failed, I felt her wrath. She could look at me with pure hatred in her eyes. Genuine, hatred. She knew all the ways to hurt me. At the same time, a part of me craves boundaries. I appreciate when Adam is willing to step up, and protect me. To make sure that I don’t cross lines that I shouldn’t. I’m ok with that. I need it. As long as I never look into his eyes, and see the look my mother used to give me. As long as he continues to do and say everything out of genuine love. I can see, hear, and feel the difference, easily. I’ve been brave and open enough to share, with Adam, so much of the things I keep hidden from the world. The things that would give him a perfect insight into how to destroy me, if he ever decided to. My mother often talked about how she intended to “destroy” me. She’d do everything she could to accomplish her goal, too! I’ve shown Adam those weak spots. That’s scary! I wore a “mask” for so long. One that pretended not to be afraid of anything. One that portrayed nothing but confidence. Admitting my weaknesses, forces me to take off that “mask”. I’m left raw and real, and very vulnerable.

I’ve given Adam a roadmap into my heart and soul. I can’t travel the path to something great, without remembering the heartache I experienced, along the way. I can tell him all of the best ways to help, but that also gives him access to all of the ways to hurt me. I explained it to Adam like this, Imagine you’re training for a big fight. You lift weights in the gym everyday. You practice how to duck away and how to throw a punch. You’re asking me to stop training. Promising me that you’ve got me. If you let me down, I’ve stopped preparing. I’m no longer ready to fight. I can’t lift weights like I used to. I can’t throw a punch like I used to. I don’t even know how to avoid the punches from other people, the way I used to.

The hardest part is convincing myself that I’ll never have to defend myself against the people I’m supposed to trust to love me. I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on my husband. He wants honesty. He wants me to be vulnerable with him. To trust him. I need to know I’m always going to be safe with him. I need to believe that he won’t ever use the “road map” I’ve drawn him, to crush me. To destroy me.

I love Adam so much. It’s a very difficult and trying process, getting through the bullshit. It’s hard work, building something real and intimate. I think it’s worth it. I think our progress is amazing. It’s scary and emotional and it hurts real bad sometimes. It’s also brought on a whole new level of relationship that I didn’t even know was possible. I didn’t know I could let someone in the way I’ve been allowing Adam to be. I can’t describe the comfort and security that washes over me when Adam shows me that “he’s got me”. Even when I screw up, and he gets upset with me, and punishes me. When I can hear his love for me in the way he speaks, see his love for me in his eyes, and feel his love for me in the way he comforts me, even if he’s upset with me… This makes me sure I can trust him with the key to my heart.

I’ve began to open myself up to other people that I love. My brother asked me recently, “are you ok? You’ve been opening up a lot more lately.” My friends have been so willing to listen and support me. I’ve sort of been shocking everyone, because they know, it’s not like me to really talk. I think it’s good, though. I never intended to have only superficial relationships. I’ve just always been the one who listened. The one doing the consoling. Not the vulnerable one. It’s new, but it’s good.

The kids went back to school! They had a 2 hour late start. It was nice getting to sleep in a little longer, but I’m glad the weather has decided to cooperate. We can start getting back to “normal”, again. I ran some errands, this morning. The roads were all perfectly fine. It’s several degrees above freezing, so all the ice has melted away.

My son has a training thing, tonight. He volunteered to help serve at a local charity event. They’re putting on a “prom”, for special needs students. He will be learning how to best help the kids with special needs, while he’s there. Of course, this training is almost 8 miles away, at 6:00pm. So, right during rush hour. An 8 mile drive across the city, at rush hour, ends up taking about 45 minutes. I’m proud of him for volunteering, but I really don’t feel like fighting traffic, this evening.

I’m making chili, for supper. I figured I’d get it done, so I can leave it simmering in my crockpot, while I take my son across town. Jackie is coming home. I haven’t hung out with her in days! I am so happy for her, that she’s found a great guy. I keep encouraging her not to self sabotage this.

Today was Groundhog Day. I never did hear whether he saw his shadow, or not? I’m ready for Spring to arrive! I’m starting to think about all the flowers I’d like to plant. I’ve got some landscaping ideas. Once we get through February, I should be able to start working on those plans.

Last night, I was texting with a friend I grew up with. We were always together, in high school. She knows what’s happened, with my mother, but we don’t talk much about it. For whatever reason, we did, last night. I was blown away, when she said this to me…

I shared a couple of my older blog posts, with her. She wanted to know where to find my blog, but I explained, there’s a lot of shit I write, that she don’t need to read! I had no idea she hadn’t fallen for the perfect facade I so carefully played out, when we were kids. I just think that’s interesting. My mother could put on quite the show, for others. It never occurred to me, that maybe they weren’t buying her bullshit, either.

“Made a little money, I ain’t never gonna change
Still drinking Jim Beam, still wear them dirty jeans. Get up every morning, ’cause them bills don’t go anyway. Got something to say, then bubba say it to my face….Times change people change but not me My hands on my heart ’cause these colors don’t bleed…This is the land I love. You can’t take this from me. From the city to the country, everybody raised southern…”

~Seth Anthony

I am a very proud Tennessean. I know that it’s not for everyone. Not everybody who visits will agree. I just think this is an amazing place to raise my babies. I appreciate our culture, our community, our uniqueness. I’ve visited lots of other states. The only place that I would say is somewhat comparable, is Texas. My grandparents lived in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. I had friends, Chuck and Amber, back in Texas. My brother is a huge Dallas Cowboys fan, because of our time spent there. They also had a vacation home, in Tucson, Arizona. My strongest memory of Arizona, is when I decided to touch one of the cactus they told me not to, and I had a whole bunch of needles stuck inside my hand. I was mad, because we didn’t get to go for the walk we were supposed to. My grandma spent forever pulling those tiny cactus needles from my hand. I spent a lot of time with them, when I was a kid. I loved spending time with them. We also vacationed in Colorado. I loved roaming the mountains, playing in the creek, and the crisp, cool air. Still, I’m a Tennessee girl. Nashville will always be the city I call home. Adam and I don’t even “technically” live in Nashville, anymore. When we moved, we left Davidson county. We’re in another “county”, now. I do love it here, too. Adam’s wanted to live here for years. We have great neighbors and community. When I drive through Nashville, and see the same skyline I’m so tied to, I feel nostalgia, though. I wouldn’t want to leave my state.

I lived where my mother moved to, for awhile. She’s in the Midwest. It isn’t a bad place, but it doesn’t feel like home. I met Adam in the Midwest. He played football and went to college there. We actually lived there together, for awhile. I longed for Tennessee, though. He knew this. Every time we came to visit, I cried when we had to leave. He promised me we would move down here. He kept his promise. My babies are Tennessee babies, because Adam honored his word, and I’m so grateful. They love to go visit his Mom, in the Midwest, but they know the same love that I have for this place. It’s all they know. They have my accent. They have these roots. My family, “my people”, are all here. This is home.

My dad is going to make supper for all of us, on Saturday evening. I love him so much. Sometimes, when I think too much, I consider what life will be like, when I don’t have all of “my people” here. It scares the hell out of me. Adam has this friend from work. He was in a car accident, a couple nights ago. They did an MRI, and discovered he had terminal cancer. He had no idea. It’s spread into his brain. They don’t anticipate he will ever even leave the hospital now. I can’t imagine! Life is so unpredictable. It’s cruel! We can’t always wait for “someday”. There’s never any guarantee there’ll be a tomorrow. I never say “goodbye”. I tell my family and friends, see ya, when I leave, or hang up the phone. It’s always love you, see ya. Goodbye is just too permanent a word, for me. I won’t say it. I’ve rubbed off on Adam, to the point, he says it to people, too.

I didn’t have a plan, for where this writing was going. I just started it, and this is where I’ve ended up. It’s been a good day. It felt so cold. I needed to warm up. So, the kids and I baked cookies. Adam made it home safe from work. The kids have a 2 hour late start, tomorrow, but it appears they’ll be going to school.

Groundhog Day, is one of my all time favorite movies! It’s starting to feel like that, here…

They canceled school for today, yesterday evening. My kiddos are home, again.

My son got his room looking much better! He arranged it so that it looks nice. Except, I can’t explain why he has the nightstand facing backwards? We got new license plates, awhile ago. He took our old ones, and Jackie’s, and hung them on his wall. Whatever…it’s his room?

I get so annoyed with “Yankees” coming to the south, and then griping how we overreact about the weather. -45 in Michigan, or wherever the fuck you’re from might be bad, but we don’t have 10,000 salt trucks running up and down our roads, clearing them off for us. We might only be just below freezing, but when ice is covering everything, and the power goes out, that’s still cold! Someone I know moved here, recently. She didn’t listen to the forecast. She didn’t have enough diapers or food, for her baby, because in her words, “southerners are big babies”. She didn’t bother to get supplies, before this storm began. Then, she asks one of us “southerners” to use our 4 wheel drive truck to come and rescue her! We’re not “big babies”. We know what the hell to do, when the forecast tells us bad weather is coming. Anyway, rant over.

We all stayed up late, last night. We watched as the icy rain weighed down the willow tree, across the street. The power lines sank lower, and then even lower. We could hear the ice pelting down on our roof. I was so glad that no one I loved was out on the roads. We said a quiet prayer for anyone who was out there. There were lots of accidents. The traffic cameras were frozen over so bad, we could barely see what the roads even looked like. Jackie stayed over at Justin’s, again.

Adam went into work at 9:00am, this morning, just like yesterday. Like yesterday, I did my very best to talk him out of going, but he’s stubborn. He told me to stay home, but won’t heed his own words. Now I get to worry, until he’s back home safe, again.

Besides all that excitement, there isn’t too much else going on. We’re just spending another snow/ice day inside. We got lucky, and never lost power. I saw a lot of other people, around the area, had lost it, but ours hasn’t cut off once! They’re calling for, yet another round of snow/freezing rain, tonight…