Catch Hell

You can get it right. Run up, catch hell, take this L. You can get it right.

~Adam Calhoun

Saturday evening, Jackie and Justin came over. We spent the evening out back, playing cornhole, and being silly. Jackie had started to feel lightheaded, and like her heart was racing. It was, too. Her Apple Watch alerted to it. After they left, Jackie passed out. Justin brought her straight to the ER. Jackie has a lot of allergies, and asthma issues. Covid seriously messed up her lungs. They didn’t do much, at the ER, except to get her set up with a specialist. I hate it, that she has to fight so many health issues.

We weren’t sure if they’d still want us to come there, Sunday afternoon. Jackie said she felt much better, so we went. Justin smoked ribs, a chicken, and brats. It was very yummy! I think he’s enjoying making different foods on his smoker, and sharing with everyone. 😊

The kids had a fun weekend, too! Wyatt got to stay over at a friends house. Mj had her best friend, T, stay overnight here. Everybody was ready for bed early, last night!

I shared my blog post, from Friday, with Adam. That’s been helpful, for both of us, that I can write out things, and then let him read my thoughts. Last night, as we were brushing our teeth, Adam said I’d rolled my eyes at him. I honestly didn’t think I had! I told him so. Then, he said he’d seen it, and I knew what was gonna happen. That’s when I did start to roll my eyes, in annoyance. I stopped myself, mid way. I’d caught myself. He caught me, too. I still don’t know if I really did roll my eyes at him, that first time he says I did? It’s not that easy, to control facial expressions that I’ve been making for most of my life. After we left our bathroom, and began to get ready for bed, Adam came around to my side of the bed. I absolutely was not trying to find trouble, last night, but I guess I did anyway. He picked me up, laid me on the bed, held his hand on my back, and spanked me pretty damn hard. I suppose my blog post I’d shared with him, is the reason he decided to be certain to let me know, he “meant it”. Pretty sure I got that message. Since he doesn’t want me to flip him off, even in silliness, I’ve been trying new things. I’d shaped my fingers into a “W”, to signal “whatever”, the other day. He didn’t much care for that either, though. He didn’t spank me, but he issued a warning. One thing I have done, that doesn’t bother him, is sign “I love you”, with my hand. I’ve done that a few times, recently, even when I found him annoying.

Today, I’m feeling pretty good. I washed all our bedding, and hung it out to dry. I cleaned the kitchen. I bought this stuff called “barkeepers friend”. I cleaned all our stainless steel appliances, with it. It works magic! The reviews are no joke! It cleaned my glass stovetop and sinks really well, too! I vacuumed and swept all the floors. I’m fixing to mop. Decided to take a little break, and write here.

Adam is grilling pork chops for us, this evening. I’d text and asked if he’d be home in time, or should I just put them in the oven? He said “I got it”. So, we’re getting grilled pork chops. 😋 I’m going to be making scalloped potatoes, and cutting up some fruit. I’ve got pineapple, cantaloupe, strawberries, and watermelon. I should bake some cookies, for Adam and the kids. They haven’t had those, for awhile. The kids love when they get home from school, and smell fresh baked treats. I want them to always remember those kind of days, when they were kids, coming home to their mama having baked them something yummy. Maybe they’ll think of me, when they’re enjoying those same smells, one day, after they’re grown.

Right now, I Really Need a Beer with my Friends

We’ve been SO busy! Last night, Justin and Jackie hung out with us. We played some cornhole. Jackie and I won most all the games, of course. Then, we came inside and played some new games they’d brought. It was a lot of silly, and loads of fun!

The card I drew said everyone at the table had to drink from one of my body parts. The boys got my hands…I had JUST washed my hands. Justin teased, if they didn’t smell like lavender something, he’d be pissed. I told him, they DO! Jackie insisted on a “belly shot” 😆

Adam and I got up, and he took Oliver for a run. Then, we took showers, and got ready to head into Nashville. Our friend was having an egg hunt, for all the kids. He used to live behind us, before we moved. Mj’s best friend (T), is his daughter. Wyatt is staying the night, in our old neighborhood, with a friend of his. We brought T home with us. We just got home. Now, Adam is lighting the grill. We’re fixing to have Justin and Jackie over and BBQ. I’m hoping to play cornhole again. The weather is iffy. It was 86 degrees all afternoon, but a storm looks to be rolling in. If we can’t be outside, I’m sure we’ll find fun inside.

That’s about all the excitement I have to write about, for today!

Blurred Lines

I was listening to a podcast, this morning. A husband and wife discuss their relationship, and their own take on discipline within their marriage. It really struck me, hearing them talk about “maintenance spankings”. For me, I’ve always kind of felt it would be cruel if Adam seriously spanked me, and I’d crossed no boundaries to deserve it. I thought it would devastate me, if I’d done nothing wrong, but he punished me as if I had. Wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose? As I continued to listen to this couple, I heard some explanations I hadn’t truly considered before. The wife talked about how, when she hadn’t broken any rules in awhile, she’d start to doubt whether her husband was still “in this” with her. She’d begin to consider acting out on purpose, just to make sure he was still paying attention. Obviously, that’s not a good idea. Still, I can relate. The husband also mentioned something I hadn’t thought of. He said it made him feel more confident and capable that he could hold her accountable, when necessary, if they “maintained” their “dynamic”. I wondered if Adam has struggled with this? Until yesterday, I hadn’t been in serious trouble, in 3 months! I have rolled my eyes, flipped him off, things like that. He hasn’t spanked me in that “I MEAN IT, don’t do that again” kind of way, though. Not for those things. If he does really “mean it”, I haven’t gotten that message. I know he doesn’t like it, when I’m disrespectful in how I act or speak, but it doesn’t come across as the kind of things that get me in serious trouble with him. Even last night, I didn’t feel that he was genuinely that upset with me. The spanking didn’t hurt much at all. While, in the moment, I’m grateful, I think it does send mixed messages. He doesn’t want to be a jerk. I’ve been pretty damn good, for quite awhile. Adam wants to show me he appreciates that. On the other hand, I wind up wondering whether, or not, he was really serious. I tell myself he didn’t care that much. Maybe he was just trying to scare me. I mean, I spent hours wondering and worrying about what he would do, when he came home. When it turns out to be not too big a deal, that’s exactly how I take it. What I did was not that big a deal.

I don’t enjoy making my husband upset. I hate disappointing him. Having his hand leave bruises on my butt, that I can feel for days, that’s not fun. I don’t ever purposely look for that kind of trouble. I think, well…I know, I sometimes intentionally push his “smaller” buttons, though. The ones that I assume are no big deal. Rolling my eyes, for example. I hadn’t thought much about it, until now. I think I need to know he’s still got me. He’s still here. He’s still watching out for me, and for us.

I don’t necessarily think that “maintenance” spanking is for me. I can’t imagine I would respond well, to feeling punished for being good. I always love his playful smacks! I don’t want to get more than that without deserving it, though. I do wonder if a part of me doesn’t act out, because I don’t take him seriously. If I break one of our rules, and walk out of “the office” smiling, I clearly didn’t feel there was very much “bite”, behind Adam’s “bark”.

I don’t mean to suggest that I think Adam’s weak. He’s not! In fact, he is so strong, he is able to control his emotions. He is able to use the “tools” that he knows will actually work on me. He doesn’t raise his voice to me. He isn’t cruel. He’s careful to always remind me he loves me, even when he’s angry. Those things make me respect the hell out of my husband. I just have a hard time knowing exactly where his “line” is, sometimes. Was he goofing around? Was he just enjoying making me worry about whether he was serious, but he wasn’t really? Did he fucking mean it, but he kept his hard hand gentle, because he didn’t want to be a jerk? After all, I had been pretty damn good, lately. I think?

Hello Darkness my Old Friend

Adam got home, a couple hours ago. He walked right into the kitchen and picked me up. He brought me into our bedroom. I had homemade meatballs cooking, in the oven. I made my grape jelly and BBQ sauce mixture, to pour over them. That’s everyone’s favorite. The mashed potatoes and stuffing I was making to go with, weren’t ready to get started. He wound up getting home at just the right time. In between when I needed to be at the stove.

I wore a little coral sundress, today. I had put Adam’s favorite lotion of mine on, when I knew he’d be about to leave work. I checked my hair. Reapplied some lipgloss. He smiled at me, when he came around the corner. I could tell he wasn’t too upset with me.

When he put me down, in our room, he shut and locked our door. I can’t remember what I said to him? He bent me over our bed, held my hands out of the way, and spanked me. I wore thong panties, under my dress, so he didn’t even have to pull them down. He just lifted my dress, and had perfect access to my behind. It didn’t feel good, but it wasn’t awful. I think I got off even easier, beings it’s been such a long time since he’s seriously spanked me. He asked me a question. One that required a “yes sir” response. I stubbornly pretended not to know he was expecting a “sir”, after the “yes” I gave him. When I could tell he was going to spank me again, if I didn’t answer properly, I gave him his “yes SIR”.

After we left “the office”, I sent Jackie a text. I’d been talking to her about what was going on. The problem was, I accidentally sent that text meant for Jackie, to ADAM!

This was what I ended up sending to Jackie…

That was incredibly stupid of me. Even so, Adam doesn’t seem too bothered. I had my expensive watch band on my Apple Watch, when he’d spanked me. He held my wrists, while he kept my hands out of the way. My watch band had pressed against my wrist, so I wound up with a bruised and sore wrist. Oh well. If that’s the worst of it all, it’s fine by me!

I’m not sure if my friends “Paddlefan” or “AZPop” will see this, but Adam mentioned y’all. When I was arguing with him, he told me to ask y’all. He insisted Paddlefan and AZPop would be on his side of this debate about whether I should be punished, or not… 😜

“Office” Meeting, with Adam

I lied to Adam, a couple hours ago. Yesterday, I was so heated. I was ready to drive over to this lady’s office and raise hell about the excessive bill she was trying to give us. I talked with Adam about it. I told him I was going to go in there and see what I could do, today. Well, after my calmer head had taken over, I decided my best option would be to send an email to her. I knew if I was actually there, face to face with this chick, I’d punk out. Adam had text me and asked if I’d figured anything out, yet. I told him I’d emailed. I elaborated, by saying that I didn’t know if she’d be in the office anyway, so I emailed instead. He said okay. A few minutes later, I got a phone call from the accountant lady. I wasn’t rude, but I did get answers. I got her to reduce her price by about half. Which, was great! When I text Adam, to let him know, I mentioned that I’d sort of fibbed about why I’d emailed. I told him I knew I should’ve just told him this, in the first place. I really didn’t want to admit I’d lost my nerve. It’s not that easy to confront someone! Especially when you’re not full of anger and frustration, anymore. I can’t quite gauge Adam’s level of seriousness. I know he means it, but maybe not in the “I’m going to be sleeping on my stomach” kind of way? Or, maybe he is pissed? He’s calm and collected, regardless. So, it’s impossible to tell, for sure, what’s coming. For anyone who doesn’t already know, when Adam asks me to “step into his office”, that means I’m fixing to get a spanking. Every once in awhile, it’s just to talk. Most always, I’m going to walk back out with a sore behind. I suspect we won’t simply be discussing this little white lie, tonight.

I haven’t been this kind of nervous, for him to get home from work, since January. It’s been 3 months. I’m ticked off with myself, for ending this streak of awesome.

FAFO

Bitch I’m a red white and blue collar [girl] from the South…you can fuck around and find out. Come around here runnin’ your mouth…you fuck around and find out. I’m just saying, there’s the line, don’t cross it. We done talkin’. Fuck around and find out.

~Bryan Martin

Yesterday was a rough one. Mj’s best friend, I’ll call her “T”. She’s had a hard childhood. Her mama wasn’t in her life, until recently. Her dad has been a single father, raising her since birth. While I know he loves her, he’s not a great daddy. If he’s not at work, he’s in his garage, chain smoking and drinking. T was at our house most everyday. She ate supper with us most nights. Her and Mj aren’t in the same school, anymore. We don’t get to see her everyday, like we used to. When T was here, a couple weeks ago, we noticed cuts up both of her arms. She had taken a razor blade, and cut into herself. I talked with her. I told her how much we love her. I told her, she can talk to me anytime. I won’t ever repeat things she tells me, unless I’m afraid for her safety. I offered to help her reach out and ask for help. I talked to her dad. He, clearly, did nothing. He called me in tears, yesterday afternoon. He told me T was with social services. She had tried to hang herself. T had tied a bunch of string together, wrapped it around her neck, and attempted to end her life. That absolutely shatters me. I’m also livid. Her dad claimed they wouldn’t tell him anything. He called me from his garage. I could hear the beer cans being opened. I could tell he was lighting up cigarette after cigarette. If that was my baby, I’d be up there beating down doors and begging to see my daughter. I’d be desperately searching for help for her. I’d be asking so many questions, trying to figure out what I could do for her. He got drunk.

T called me, last night. We had a long talk. I don’t know what I can do, but I so badly want to help that little girl. Adam and I, Wyatt and Mj, we love T like family.

Today, someone else pissed me off. Compared to the situation with T, it’s nothing. But, I have had my fill of tolerating idiots and assholes. I do our taxes every year. This year, I had done everything, put all the numbers into the forms, and come up with a final number. It was way different than what I’d anticipated. Adam and I talked about it, and decided to have an accountant look over everything. We just wanted to double check I’d done everything correctly. I brought everything I’d done to her, last week. She told me she’d have it looked at, by that same evening. It took several days, and several messages and phone calls from me, before she finally bothered to call me back. This morning, she informed me that my figures are correct. Then, she tried to charge me $425. $425 to LOOK OVER my own paperwork?! We have paid less than half of that amount, to have our old accountant do ALL the paperwork. I’d learned what I was doing, a few years back, and been doing it myself. I told this lady, it took me 7 minutes and 19 seconds to plug these numbers into the same system she did. That’s literally all she did, too. She couldn’t answer my questions. She’s been dodging me for days. Uhh, no. I’m not having it today. I haven’t said anything to her, yet. I was so angry, I needed time to cool off. I haven’t even talked to Adam about it. Maybe I’m making too big a deal out of it? I just get so sick and tired of people assuming they can price gauge me, and overcharge for things, as if I’m too stupid to notice or care. If I drive up in my cush SUV, or hand over paperwork showing our income, and someone assumes I’m not intelligent with money, that sets me off. The nice things we have are because we know the value of things, and chose to spend our money on them. The value of the work this lady did is absolutely not what she’s trying to charge. She did our friends taxes, start to finish, for $80. Their taxes were no less complicated than ours, either. Ours ain’t even that difficult! I only wanted to make certain I was right with my figuring. Anyhow, I’m a little turnt up, this afternoon.

To add to all this, Adam told me his elbow has been hurting real bad. He says it’s been a few weeks, and not gotten better. He never said a thing to me, until a couple nights ago. He doesn’t complain, especially about pain. He’s had this issue before. Playing high school, and then college football, did take its toll on his body. He had to have surgery, last time this happened. He’s worried he’s going to wind up needing surgery again. I told him he needs to go see the doctor! He refused. He insists we wait it out longer, to see if it won’t feel better. He’s worried about his work, if he has to go through all the crap he did the last time his elbow felt like this. It’s several weeks of rest and then rehab. He had no problem, whatsoever, picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder. He’s been able to swing his hand down onto my behind, just fine. So, I can’t know whether he’s being a tough guy, and ignoring pain? Or, maybe he’s paranoid about a pain that will end up being no big deal?

It’s not the day to piss me off. I’m not grouchy. I’m just not in any mood to be dealing with anymore bull crap. It’s gorgeous out. I’m playing music, and writing here. I need to call and tell Adam about my “accountant” frustrations. I wanted to find a better attitude before I talked to him, though. I suppose I’ll get it over with. Maybe. I don’t know? We’ll see. I might wait til he’s home, this evening.

Beginning From an End

“Closing time. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

~Semisonic

We had a great weekend. Saturday evening, Jackie and Justin played some games with Adam and I. We didn’t get too wild, or stay up super late, since the next day was Easter. We had a blast, though.

I got up early, yesterday. I needed to let my dough, for the dinner rolls, rise. I had a 12 pound ham to cook in the oven, too. Jackie, Justin, my sister, her husband, baby Pj, Jackie’s sister, Jackie’s baby niece, Poppy, and his girlfriend all came over for Easter dinner. It was gorgeous out. We sat outside, after we ate. The guys hid eggs for the kids to find. It’s always the dads (and uncles) job, to hide eggs. We had a couple of “golden” eggs, with money inside them. The rest just had candy in them.

How these guys kept busy, while we got all the food ready for everybody 😊

After everybody (except Justin and Jackie) left, we played cornhole. It was such a perfect Easter Sunday. Lots of sunshine, family, food, and fun!

I decided to break down, and tell my sister I know. I know you’ve let [our mother] back into your life. I still love you.

I feel like these screenshots sum up my thoughts pretty darned perfectly. My sister and I are good. I truly have no animosity toward her. I worry. I’m afraid, certain actually, she’s going to get hurt. But, that’s just not my decision to make. Regardless, I’m always going to be here, for her. I gave her a big hug, yesterday, and told her I love her. She got teary. I knew she’d been so worried about how I’d react. I need my people to understand and believe, I’d never turn my back on them, because they upset me. I can be angry, hurt, sad…but my love for them isn’t something I can simply “turn off”. It really hurts my heart, to think they wouldn’t know that.

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

“You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be”

“Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again”

~Danny Gokey

I’m not going to pretend like it’s been easy, knowing my mother was here. She was somewhere so close, but the distance between us cannot be traveled. Even if she’s only minutes from me. I’ve seen pictures and videos, from social media. Even though I don’t have it, I have friends who do. They send me things. I’ve had to answer questions from well meaning people, who know me. They’ll ask me if my mom is here, and whether she’ll be coming to Easter dinner with my family. I have to explain, over and over again, that no, my mother will never be in my life again. That’s not particularly easy to do, either. I don’t even care if it makes me seem like a horrible daughter. I’m protecting myself, and most importantly, my family. We had an unexpected knock on our door, the other night. My heart sank into my stomach. Adam got the door. It was just a package, being dropped off. I have had to live guarded, much more than usual, until she’d gone back to where she came from. She’s gone now, and I’m glad for it.

I wasn’t wallowing in my sorrows, while I knew she was close by. I actually had a pretty great week. Although my “circle” seems to have gotten smaller, the ones who belong here are my loyal family and friends. They’re the ones who understand me. They know the reasons for my “whys, whats, and hows”. They don’t question my choices, because they’ve been here with me, through my struggles. They love me. That means so much more to me, than having 1000 “friends” who don’t care to know me, unless there’s gossip they’re curious about. I’m just so grateful for “my people”.

It was a busy last several days. I had to get our taxes finished. I had a whole bunch of errands. The kids have been very busy, at school. There’s been some sort of activity, everyday. I also woke up with a raging kidney infection, a couple days about. They come on super quickly, and always angry as hell. It’s not a slow, gradual buildup. Just, bam. So, I wasn’t feeling the best. Getting much better now, though.

Mj is spending the night at Justin and Jackie’s place. She’s been wanting to have a sleepover. Tomorrow, Jackie and I are going to steam eggs, for deviled eggs. I’ve got to pick up a few things for Easter dinner, but we’re mostly prepared for it. Wyatt, Mj, and I are going to make the desserts tomorrow, too. Adam’s going to grill some chicken for us, tomorrow evening. I’ve already got potato and pasta salads ready for us to have with our chicken. This way, I won’t have to do much cooking, for supper. I can get everything I need to ready for Sunday. Our Easter dinner will consist of a honey ham, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, corn, green bean casserole, rolls, deviled eggs, a veggie tray, Oreo and banana cream pies. I always think back to what my grandma served us, on holidays. That’s how I plan our holiday menus. Tonight, I just made Mj’s favorite hot ham and cheese sandwiches, and onion rings.

I’m exhausted! I need to go to bed. I just wanted to write here, and catch up on the last two days here. I will definitely write more, tomorrow. I had a small incident, with Adam, but it’s fine now. I’m too tired to explain tonight, though. Goodnight!

It’s Me, Hi

Jackie and I went flower shopping, today. I got lots of my planters filled with annuals! I’m so happy!

Out on our back patio. I still have some ideas of things to do, but it’s a good start.

I also got some for the front of our house. It’s looking so nice! I’m really happy with the way it’s turned out. Jackie and I turned on some music, and got busy planting flowers, and making everything look nice. I had a great afternoon, with my best friend ❤️

We also made a TikTok. It’s one of those “if you know, you know”. We think we’re pretty hilarious, though.

I’m making beef and noodles, for supper. I had dinner rolls I let rise, all afternoon. I’m about to put those in the oven. Everything else is just about ready.

I really don’t feel like talking about how nervous I was, that we might bump into my mother, while we were out shopping. Or, how afraid I was to even leave my house, on the off chance she came by here. Jackie has been the most amazing friend, while this has been an issue. She came over last night, and we talked and laughed in the kitchen. I picked her up, this morning. We did our flower shopping, and she helped me get everything planted. We were our typical goofballs. There were lots of laughs. It really helped me to not focus on the worry I’ve been feeling. Instead, it’s been an awesome day. I don’t think I have the words to describe how thankful I am, for the people who truly love me like this.

Today has been darned near too warm. My house says it’s 83 degrees inside. Still, I’m so excited summer is coming! I’ve got windows wide open. We have fans blowing. I’m comfortable, but the kids are complaining. I’m feeling so content, happy, loved, and grateful. It would take an awful lot, to ruin my good mood!

I hope everyone else has had as blessed a day, as I have ❤️

Slow Dance in a Parking Lot

Lights go down, wheels go around
I’m taking you home
Hoping for a slow song to come on the radio now
I’m not ready to shut it down
The way the dashboard glow
Is hitting your eyes making me lose everything on my mind
And the only thing I wanna do is find a spot
Stop this car and throw it in park and get just…

Slow dance with you
Spinning you around by the Walmart sign
And moving our feet over the painted white lines
Getting close to you
Making the most of whatever we got
Even if it’s just a slow dance in a parking lot

~Jordan Davis

Adam loves this song. If it comes on, and we’re in the car, he always reaches for my hand. If it plays, while I’m in the kitchen, he comes in and dances with me. It’s not that I don’t like this song. I do! I just think it’s sweet that Adam thinks of me, when it comes on. It’s an indescribably amazing thing, having someone who loves me the way Adam does.

We didn’t do much, yesterday. Adam took Oliver for a walk. Mj’s friend was still here, so the kids played outside. The weather here has been great. I can leave bedroom windows open, all night long, and it feels so good. I washed all the bedding, today, and hung it out to dry. I vacuumed, swept, and mopped all the floors. There’s something about having fresh air and sunshine pouring in, that just makes me happy. I bought a plug in air freshener refill. It’s “vanilla lavender”. Ohhh my goshhh, it made my whole house smell amazing! I’ve got some cucumbers soaking in vinegar water, and onion, in the fridge. So, it also smells great, when I open our fridge. I’m fixing my cheeseburger macaroni recipe for supper, tonight. We’ll have sliced cucumber, and I’ve got corn on the cob.

I finally replaced my measuring cups. The ones I’d had, I’ve had for several years. They’re so worn, we can’t read them anymore. I ordered new ones on Amazon. They just arrived. The measurements are engraved into the handles, so we won’t wear them off like my old ones. I also got some material for our dining room chair seats. They’re in desperate need of a facelift. I’m excited for it to get here, and recover my chairs. I’ll take before and after photos, when I do them.

And that’s pretty much all the excitement at my house, today! Been a quiet, peaceful kind of Monday. My behind still hurts, from Saturday night. I’m not trying to find anymore trouble.