My little niece is starting to scoot herself around! The original video was a minute and a half long, but I cut it down so I could share some of it here. She got herself all the way across that little play mat. She’s been trying lots of new baby foods. So far, she loves everything. I got a cute picture of her eating sweet potatoes, this morning, from my sister. Pj also insists on holding her own spoon. This baby is in too big a hurry, to get big! She turned 5 months old, on April 25.

I also had some memories from Oliver, two years ago. My sister sent me a couple of pictures that had come up in her feed.

I haven’t been able to carry him around, for a long time! It’s so much fun, watching those I love grow. I think of it like a really good book. Like one of those you can’t put down. A book you’re engrossed in. You want to know what happens in each forthcoming chapter. I sometimes skim past sentences, even paragraphs, that appear mundane and irrelevant. I want to get to the good parts. The thing is, eventually the pages end. You find yourself having finished the last sentence, and the story is over. I can always go find another good book, but the one I’d been so engrossed in, that story has ended. I want to take the time to “read” all of this story I’m living. I shouldn’t be in a rush to find out what’s next, because I know, one day, the pages will run out.

This evening, Adam is going to be grilling ham steaks I bought, and some brats a neighbor of ours gave to him. I’m making scalloped potatoes, fresh green beans with butter and lemon pepper, and I’ve got a watermelon to cut up. Justin and Jackie are coming over. The rain has been removed from tonight’s forecast, so we’re hoping to be outside. I’m sure we’ll have another fun Friday night. The whole weather forecast is showing very summer like temperatures. My most favorite time of the year is here. I’m going to make the most of it, that I possibly can. I’m also telling myself to slow down, and not “skip over” other seasons, anxious to get to summer. Since I’ve written here consistently, I can easily look back at the last year I’ve had. There are hard days, no doubt. But, wow, there are so many beautiful memories I’ve documented, with my people. I don’t feel it, but I’m a year older than I was last summer. My children are a year older. We all are.

I didn’t intend this to be a sappy or sad post! I’m really just hyper aware of how much I need to settle myself, and enjoy everyday I have. The pages in my story are being written, and I need to read every single word carefully. I need to take my time, and bask in the gift that each new day brings. ❤️

I’m damaged goods, I’m complicated

I sure do know how to tell a lie

Some people say, “I ain’t worth savin'”
Sometimes I think they’re right

‘Cause someone else would’ve walked away
Someone else would’ve never stayed
Sure as hell, someone else would’ve left me
A long, long time ago

Someone else would’ve called my bluff
Saying, “I ain’t even worth their love”
No one else could’ve loved me like you do
Thank God, my someone’s you ❤️

~Aaron Lewis

I knew Adam was feeling sad, last night. This grandma he lost, yesterday, was someone he grew up very close to. I get it. It’s never easy to say “goodbye”. Even when it’s time, it’s painful. When he got home from work, he walked into the kitchen. I stopped what I was doing, walked to him, and hugged him tight. We stood there for awhile, arms wrapped around each other, swaying back and forth together. He stayed in the kitchen, and we just talked about a whole lot of nothing, while I finished cooking our supper. As much as my husband knows me, and works to give me what I need when I need it, I know him too. I can find strength, when he can’t. I find the best ways that I can, to help him through. If he needs to stand there, while we hold onto one another, I’ll stay as long as he needs it. If he needs comfort, I’m here. If he needs to hear some things that might be hard to hear, I’ll say them. We don’t always express our love in the same ways, but I think we give each other what we’re needing. I think we do a pretty good job of being the “someone” we each need. We get it wrong, once in awhile, but we get it right a whole lot more.

We had a good evening, despite the lingering sadness that hung in the air. We teased and laughed a lot, while we all sat at the table and ate our supper. It was one of those days we were reminded to enjoy our precious time, with precious people. That’s exactly what we did, too. Although hurt wasn’t fully healed, joy spoke louder.

It was a beautiful evening, outside. Adam helped me water the flowers, and I showed him all the work Jackie had helped me do. We set up the outdoor spaces up on the deck, and down on the patio. Then, we took our shower. We talked a bunch more. When we finished, it was time to tuck the kids into their beds. After, we brushed our teeth and got ready for bed. Our night ended with the most physically intimate way a couple can express love to one another. Although we do have sex most every night, there’s a different closeness that comes from every touch, sometimes. The way we look into each other’s eyes. The way we speak, move, breathe, and touch. I like a good old fashioned “fuck”, as much as anyone. “Making love” isn’t just another name for that, though. Both kinds of sex have their place and time, but they’re not the same.

Adam called me, this morning, just to chat. He doesn’t do that everyday. I thought that was sweet. As much as he is my “someone”, it means the world to me that, for him, I’m his “someone”.

Today, I got some housework done, and then my sister text me. She asked what I was doing, and wanted to come by. My sister and Pj came over, for awhile. I played with Pj, and talked to my sister. Then, Jackie came over. We scrubbed my outdoor rug clean, and hung it over the fence to dry. It looks real nice down on the patio, now!

I’m fixing cube steaks for supper, tonight. I’ve got them browning, on the stove, and then I’ll put them in a baking dish. I put brown gravy over them, and bake them until they’re tender. I love this supper!

The kids have 14 and 1/2 days left of school, before it’s summer break. We’re getting so close. I’m very ready and anxious, for it to be Summer time.

Adam’s grandma passed away, this afternoon. Although it’s hard to say goodbye, I know she lived a long and beautiful life. She was ready for this chapter to come to its close. So, while we will miss her here, we also celebrate her passing into Heaven. She’s most assuredly thrilled to see those people she’s missed, herself.

Time has a way of speeding up, the more time passes. The older I get, the quicker the years seem to go by. I do try hard to take in everything. To bask in the glory of every moment. Beautiful, sunny days, like today. Today, I got to see some of my favorite people. We shared a lot of laughs. We accomplished some tasks I’ve been wanting to get done. Supper is cooking. My kids are upstairs, playing with friends. Adam should be heading home soon. It’s one of those nothing particularly worth documenting, but nonetheless incredibly special to me, kinds of days. I’ve watched, from our downstairs patio, as the baby robin eggs have hatched, and they’ve grown in their feathers. Soon, their mama is going to push them from their comfy nest, so they can fly. They’ll go on, and begin their own journey. It’s the cycle of life, and I’m watching it. I see it in these little birds. I see it, when loved ones pass away. I see it, in my own children, as they’re growing and planning their futures. This is, after all, God’s design for us. We’re all writing our own pages, in this book called life. Make yours count. ❤️

These last weeks of school are always super busy. Award ceremonies, baseball games, field day, concerts, and end of year testing. This evening, Mj has a choir concert. Wyatt brought home information about a wrestling camp he wants to go to, this summer. It’s a 2 week long camp, like 700 miles away from here. I’m struggling with letting my boy leave for so long, so far from home. I’ve never spent more than a couple days without my kids. He really wants to go, though. It’s not easy letting them “spread their wings”, and begin to take trips from our “nest”.

Adam’s grandma is in her last days of life. We got the phone call that she’d been transferred to the hospital, on Saturday. Today, Adam’s mom told me his grandma is no longer responding to them. Although it’s incredibly difficult to say goodbye, she’s had a long and beautiful life. I’m so sure she’s excited to see her husband and son (Adam’s dad), again. Both life and death are challenges we all have to navigate. It seems, the older we get, the more often we’re faced with these harsh realities. I like to think of death as a new beginning. Not an end, but the start of something new and great. A day in Heaven is like 1000 years on earth, so none of us have to wait for long, to see our loved ones again. That has always comforted me.

When I was having issues with my period and my lady parts, Adam was concerned. He so fears cancer, in those he loves. He watched both his dad, and his best friend lose their battles with cancer, way before it should’ve been their time to leave us. I wasn’t really worried that anything like that was going on, with me. I was more afraid my body was beginning to go through menopause. Although I should be at least a decade from those changes beginning in me, it is possible. I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to stop being me. I have such a deep fear, that I could become my mother. I told Adam, I don’t ever want to not want to have sex with you! Symptoms of “the change”, include lower sex drive. Adam held my face in his hands, lifted me so that I was looking into his eyes, and assured me that he would never have sex again, as long as he had me here, with him. I don’t imagine I’ll ever forget that moment, with him, and how loved he made me feel. Mercifully, my hormones are all great, and I just need some extra vitamins. I should be back on track, very soon. No menopause. No cancer. Nothing to stress out about. Me and my people are all healthy and happy. Adam’s grandma is going through a natural part of life, death. I’m grateful she’s not in any pain, and she’s lived out such a full life. She’s surrounded by people who love her. She’s got prayers being poured out for her. I hope that is how my own story goes. Not anytime soon, but one day, when it’s that time in my life.

I’m going to embrace this chaos that is the end of the school year, and soak in all of the memories. I’m going to make a conscious effort to remember to enjoy all of it. To be grateful. To appreciate everyday that I get to spend with these people who make my life so beautifully blessed.

Saturday evening, and into the night, we had a blast. Justin and Jackie ate supper here, with the kids, Adam, and I. Then, the kids put on a movie, and we went downstairs. It had started raining, so we cleared a space in the basement, and brought our cornhole boards inside. I had just gotten new cornhole bags, and for some reason they are leaving this powdery stuff everywhere. The floor was covered in it. It was worth the annoying clean up, though. We had a lot of silly fun.

Sunday, we all went to church. It was beautiful out, when we went in. When we came out, an hour and a half later, temps had dropped by about 25 degrees. It was so chilly! A storm had blown in, bringing heavy rain and winds. By the time we got home (about a 10 minute drive), the sun was shining again, and air was warming back up. It was the strangest thing! After all that, we spent the rest of our Sunday being lazy, at home.

It’s been a busy Monday here, for me. These last weeks of school get super hectic. One of the kids seems to have something going on everyday. A friend of mine had tried to call me, while I was busy doing school activities. When I got home, I returned the phone call. That wound up being over 2 hours I spent, chatting with an old friend. I washed and hung out all our bedding. I brought it inside, and made the beds. I baked some cookies. Then, I made the meatloaf we’re having for supper. I’ve got that in the oven, along with green bean casserole. I’m fixing mashed potatoes, too. Adam’s on his way home. Wyatt’s outside cutting the grass. Mj is pulling weeds from out front of the house. It’s just another day in my paradise. ❤️