We had a great time, hanging at Poppy’s, on Saturday night. We played some silly games. We had a lot of laughs.

Yesterday, I put up some Spring/Easter decorations. I took some small magnets, attached stickers to them, and then stuck the magnet stickers on my little blue truck. I can make different ones for all the seasons and holidays. Having them on the magnets will make it super easy to switch them out. I put some things on our mantle, too. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I made my cheeseburger soup for supper, last night. It’s a process, with a lot of steps, but it’s so worth it! Tonight, we’re having BBQ beef sandwiches. I’ve got a chuck roast and an arm roast slow cooking. Later, I’ll shred all the beef, and add in some “sweet baby rays” brand BBQ sauce (my most favorite). I’m going to make funeral potatoes to go with. I can’t remember if I’ve shared that recipe?

Today was my first day all alone, at home. Jackie and Justin are all moved into their new place. Adam’s at work, and the kids are in school. I washed our bedding, and towels. I’ve got them hanging out on the deck to dry. I had to run to Publix (grocery store), and grab some more laundry detergent. Then, I swung through the pharmacy, and picked up my daughter’s medicine refill. I intended to get the floors all vacuumed, swept, and mopped, but haven’t got to it. My car is a darned mess, since our Kansas trip. I need to get our friend, Biscuit, over to clean it for me.

I swear, Adam has been the one doing dumb shit lately. It isn’t me. It hasn’t been me who’s in trouble. Last night, I was waiting and watching, to make sure my sister had made it home safe. Her husband wasn’t home, so I was looking out for her, like big sister’s do. I accidentally fell asleep. When I woke up, at 1:00am, I grabbed my phone to check. She hadn’t texted me. I decided to check her location, to be sure she was home. I couldn’t go back to sleep, until I knew for sure. Adam woke up. He was real grouchy with me, and I couldn’t figure why? He asked what I was doing. I told him. Then, he accused me of texting someone at 1:00am. He wouldn’t take my word for it at all. There’s absolutely no reason for him to think I’d be doing something shady like that. I slapped his arm, sat up, turned the lamp on, and showed him my fucking phone. He made me so angry and hurt. I’ve never done anything to make him question my loyalty to him. I can’t remember the last time he truly hurt me that bad was. He apologized, but I didn’t want to talk. I cried a few quiet tears, and eventually fell back to sleep. I woke up feeling sad, this morning. I haven’t text or called him all day, but he hasn’t reached out, either. This probably seems like a small thing, but it was a serious slap in the face, having him insult my integrity. If he’d have asked what I was doing, and accepted my answer, it would’ve been fine. It’s that he didn’t trust what I’d told him. It shook me up. I’m trying to let it go, but damn it’s hard to do. One thing you can be sure of, accusing me of something I did not do, seriously upsets me. Continuing to question my word, when I’ve been honest, that unleashes fury, from within me.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m just writing down my story. Good, bad, and ugly. I almost think I should just go do something stupid. Do something to make Adam have to climb back “on top”. I struggle like hell to follow my husband’s lead, when we’re in this weird dynamic. I don’t want to come down on him. We all screw up. It’s so hard, though. How the hell am I supposed to feel? I guess this is his “punishment”, when he screws up. He has to know that he damaged my respect, for him. It can always be repaired, but it needs to be fixed back up. There’s some work in that. I feel like I’m standing on a tight rope, over the Grand Canyon, and the safety net he always holds for me, he sometimes puts it down. I’m left up here, trying not to look down. Desperately trying to convince myself not to feel afraid. But, I am afraid. It’s lonely. I want my husband to come back. Yet, he can’t even do that until I allow it. So, I want him, but I’m pushing him away, at the same time.

I like my drinks like my roof, on the house
We turnin’ up, got double cups, the sun’s goin’ down
With lagers, I’m a boxer, yeah, I need ’bout twelve rounds
And I could be your sponsor if you like how that sounds
Tell me what you’re drinkin’, buckets for a Lincoln
I could cover you and me and everyone you’re bringin’

Come on down, swing on by
Bring whatever’s been on your mind
Locals on tap and bottles on ice
Livin’ on feel-good standard time
My card’s on the bar, you’ve got nowhere to be
If you don’t come through, buddy, that’s on you
‘Cause the beer’s on me
Yeah, the beer’s on me, the beer’s on me
Gonna save you a seat ‘cause the beer’s on me

~Dierks Bentley

We’re going to Poppy’s house, tonight. He’s making us his famous chicken wraps. Those things are SO yummy! My dad’s a real good cook. Mj and I just made the Oreo cream pie dessert we’re bringing there. It’s just crushed chocolate graham crackers, mixed with melted butter, that forms the crust. The filling is vanilla pudding. We crunch up Oreos and stir them into the filling. Pour it over the crust, and cool in the fridge. Right before it’s served, I add some more crunched Oreos to the top. It’s super easy, but Adam and the kids love it. We were going to have a guitar night, outside. The weather is not cooperating, though. We’ve postponed our outdoor “concert”. Instead, we’re going to play some silly board/card games. My dad, his girlfriend, my sister, her husband, Pj, Jackie, Justin, Adam, our kids, and me will all be there. We were supposed to be heading there at 5:00, this evening. Adam told me he’s running behind, so it’s going to be close to 5:00 before he gets home. I guess we’ll be leaving as soon as he can get home and get himself ready. I’m excited. I know we’ll have a great time!

Last night, I had to share something with Adam. It has been a full TWO months, since I seriously got into any trouble. I think that’s pretty damn good!

There’s plenty of little things. A smack on my butt, after I roll my eyes. Lots and lots of playful ones, too. I haven’t had to face his “hard hands” in a good while, though.

Mentally, emotionally, even physically, I’ve been in a real good place. I just feel good. I sometimes spiral down, when I’m not in a secure place, in my head, body, and soul. I’m content. I’m not filled with worries. I’m not full of doubt. I haven’t experienced that deep sense of loss and sadness, that sometimes comes out of nowhere. Usually, that happens when my mother is either thrust into the forefront of my mind due to events around me, or it’s my own intrusive thoughts occurring. It’s sort of like having a shadow that follows me. I know it’s there, but can’t really see it, and certainly don’t look for it. Only once in awhile, the sun aligns in such a way that the shadow is standing right in front of me. I simply can’t escape it. No matter how far I run, it’s still there, taunting me. I love soaking in this amazing contentment that I feel. For me, that’s pure bliss.

It’s been a pretty busy Friday! I helped Jackie and Justin move some things into their new place. It’s a real cute little townhouse! Then, I picked up my grocery order, brought that home, and put everything away. I did a couple loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and got our whole house nice and tidy. I went to look for my Easter/Spring decor, but it’s nowhere to be found. I looked through every single tote I had, in the garage. It was time to get creative. I ordered a pack of Spring themed stickers, and some craft magnets. I’m going to make sticker magnets to put on my little metal decorative trucks. I put some pastel flowers in the trunk of my blue one, and moved it to the center of our table. I’m using a cute woven basket, and filling it with some Easter grass, plastic eggs, and artificial carrots. I had to order the carrots, but I already had some plastic eggs and Easter grass. I’d gotten them early, for making our kids Easter baskets.

My baby got a makeover, last night. Her teenage babysitter wanted to practice her skills on people, and Mj had really wanted to be one of them. Not again til she’s 16! She looked way too grown! Gorgeous, though. Of course. Her iPad syncs with my iCloud, and I found this selfie she took last night. Nope. No more makeup. Mama and Daddy aren’t quite ready for it!

She also talked Wyatt into letting her use his face as her canvas. I was actually proud of him for being so secure in himself, that having a teenage girl plaster his face with makeup didn’t phase him. Jackie told me I handled it well, because when he walked into the kitchen, I patted his back and told him that was very nice of him to let her do that. Jackie thinks if I’d have teased him, he would’ve felt like he’d done something wrong. He’s all boy. He’s also confident enough to allow his friend to give him a “makeover”, just because she asked him nicely. ❤️

I’m pretty darned proud of my babies. They’re good kids. Mj is a straight A kid. Wyatt gets As and Bs, sometimes a C, here and there. They both work hard, though. They’re kind, generous, silly, funny, caring, gentle people. I’ve never had one bad report, from a teacher. When Wyatt was in third grade, he once got into trouble for getting up out of his seat, on the school bus. A couple years ago, him and a buddy were riding their bikes around our old neighborhood. They decided to pick a watermelon from someone’s garden, and then smashed it, further on down the road. The lady knew the boys, and came to our door. She wasn’t terribly upset, but didn’t want them to do it again. We all came up with a plan, and Wyatt and his friend had to go to her house and rake and bag up all of her leaves in her yard. That’s really the only times I can think of, when he’s been in trouble. Mj has never done anything, yet. Awhile back, she kept leaving cups and bowls in her bedroom. After warning her, more than once, I punished her. I had her unload the dishwasher and put the dishes away, and sweep the steps going down to our garage. She not only did those things, she also swept off the whole back patio and driveway, and then she did the front porch, steps, and sidewalk. We don’t have to yell or be particularly hard on our kids. I know how blessed that makes us! They’re just so tender hearted, it don’t take much to get them to straighten up. Once in awhile, Wyatt can get an attitude about something. I’ve learned to let him storm up to his bedroom. I’ll give him awhile, and then go talk to him. I’m honest, and I’ll tell him dude, that really hurts my feelings when you talk to me like that. The last time that happened, his eyes filled with tears, he hugged me, and said he was sorry. We haven’t had an issue for quite awhile now. Anyway, I love my babies a bunch!

I’m fixing fiastadas for supper, tonight. I also got stuff to make an Oreo cream pie dessert, for tomorrow. Poppy is cooking for us, at his house. I thought I’d bring some dessert. The kids want to help make it, tomorrow. Adam is going into the office, for a few hours, in the morning. He’s planning to help Justin move some of the heavy things tonight, when he’s home from work, too. They’ve got a washer and dryer, a deep freeze, Jackie’s desk, and a mattress and box springs. Jackie and I weren’t quite qualified to help haul those things up their steps!

Whew! I feel like I’ve been writing for a long time, this afternoon! I suppose I should shut up, for now.

This one uses Velveeta cheese, so I realize that isn’t available everywhere. I would just substitute with whatever cheese y’all figure would melt well into the soup 😊

Ingredients:

1 lb ground beef or turkey

3/4 cup shredded carrots

3/4 cup diced celery

3/4 cup chopped onion

4 cups diced potatoes

3 cups chicken broth

1 tsp basil

1 tsp parsley

2 Tbs butter

1/4 cup flour

2 cups cut up or shredded velveeta cheese

1 1/2 cups milk

1/4 cup sour cream

Salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Brown ground beef. Set aside. In large saucepan, combine 1 Tbs butter, onion, carrots, celery, parsley, and basil. Sauté until tender. Add chicken broth, potatoes, and ground beef. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat, cover, and simmer about 15 minutes, until potatoes are tender.

In a small skillet melt remaining butter. Slowly add flour. Cook and stir 3-5 minutes, until bubbly. Add to soup and bring to a boil. Cook and stir for 2 minutes, then turn heat to low. Stir in cheese, milk, salt, and pepper. Remove from heat once cheese is melted. Stir in sour cream.

This stuff is very tasty! I like to make dinner rolls to go along with. I’m planning to make this for our supper, on Sunday. We’re going to Poppy’s house Saturday evening, and he’s cooking for us. This will make a great Sunday meal for us, though!

Last night was a much better one. I made sloppy joes/nachos, for supper. Justin came over. Adam and Justin sat in the living room, while Jackie and I hung out in the kitchen. Jackie moves out tomorrow. I’m a mixture of emotions. I’m so very happy for her. I’m excited to have our downstairs space to decorate and arrange myself. I’m also sad I won’t have Jackie here, drinking coffee in the mornings with me. She won’t sit with us every night, at the supper table. We won’t have her just right downstairs, anymore. We’re going to find our “new normal”, and it’ll be great. I’m sure of that. After all, we gained another amazing friend, in Justin. I couldn’t have hand picked a better match for Jackie.

It was a nicer than expected, today. It warmed up into the low 70’s, and the sun made an appearance all afternoon. It was supposed to be cloudy all day, so that was a nice surprise. I got the kids bedding washed and hung out to dry. I finished washing, drying, folding, and putting away the last of our laundry. I swept and mopped. The house smells so good!

I’m making spaghetti, and garlic sticks, for supper. I’m using one pound of ground pork, and 2 pounds of ground beef. I absolutely love Adam’s mom’s spaghetti. She always has much more meat in her sauce than I do. So, I decided to try something new, and maybe replicate her delicious spaghetti meat sauce. As I was filling out Jackie’s new recipe book, with recipes she’s requested from me, I was reminded of my cheeseburger soup. I haven’t made it in a good while, but it’s so yummy! I’m going to share that one on here, too. It’s not quite as simple as a lot of things I share, but it isn’t too difficult.

My brother is flying to attend his friend Jason’s funeral, tomorrow. I’ve talked with my brother some, but he’s not much of a talker. I just wanted to let him know I’m here, I’m so sorry, and I love him. Our lives are so damn fragile. None of us know when our last day might be. Adam and I came up on a car that had been completely wrapped around a tree, on our way to Kansas. The accident had just happened. Emergency services were only beginning to arrive. It was apparent, the driver almost certainly did not survive. I thought about how there was someone, somewhere, minding their own business. That person was about to receive a phone call that would forever alter the course of their life, and probably many others. We said a prayer for those people. People we would never meet, but knew would be suffering nonetheless.

I always say, we should live our lives out like our dogs do. They wake up everyday, excited to see us. They take in every moment. They enjoy the little things. They’re happy to run and play, if we want to. Or, they’re glad to lay and snuggle, if that’s what we need. I think it’s important to appreciate the people who matter to us. We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. Contemplating my own life and death is both comforting and terrifying, to me. I believe very much in an afterlife. I also absolutely do not feel ready for this one to be over. I don’t want to leave my people, yet. I have had the conversation with Adam. The “what if” talk. I told him, I do not expect him to live out the rest of his life alone, if I’m not here. My only demand, is that you are always allowed to love me, too. That our babies would still know their mama loved them, and who I was. And, equally importantly to me, that Adam’s headstone is placed right next to mine. I don’t want to be alone. He’s the love of my life. I’ve teased that, if he gets buried next to some other bitch, I will haunt his ass! As I’ve mentioned, I’m a planner. These conversations aren’t easy to have, but it comforts me. I need to know that the things I care most about are clearly known, because I understand I’m not guaranteed tomorrow. I hope and plan for a whole bunch more tomorrows, though! Life just has a way of reminding me to be grateful for each of them, when I need to be.

Last night was a rough one. I got angrier with Adam, than I have in a very long time. The other day, when I saw our mortgage payment had increased due to escrow, I knew it was taxes, insurance, or both. I told Adam, if our home insurance had gone up, I was going to get quotes from some other places. I already knew we’d been paying more than we should, for insurance. Adam had set that all up, when we first bought our house here. Adam assured me he’d call and figure it out. Awhile later, he told me they had said it was because our state and county have increased our property taxes. I trusted that, and left it alone. Until, last night. I was telling Justin about this tax hike, and Adam spoke up. He said, “Well, like $40 of that is because insurance went up.” Immediately, I started seeing red!! Adam had not bothered to mention this, to me, until just then. I felt like he’d lied to me. I let it be made clear, exactly how upset that made me, too.

I know it seems contrary to popular belief, but I’M the saver. I’m the one who’s always financially planning, investing, and looking for ways to save money. I’m not perfect. I do mess up. Adam just sees his paychecks, and figures it’s more than we could need, so what’s the worry… I, on the other hand, track every dollar in and out of all our accounts. We aren’t “rich”. We have bills, like everyone else. We’re fortunate to be able to have all the things we do. I’m not ungrateful. I’m just cautious. Adam tried to argue that “$40 a month more for our insurance isn’t that big of a deal”, but it is to me! Not only that, but he should’ve told me about it, in the first place.

I made calls today, and got several quotes. It turns out, we can combine our homeowner’s insurance with our car insurance, and spend way less than we’ve been paying for home insurance. Going from $2800 a year, down to $1040 a year, is a good chunk to save!

Adam ain’t perfect, y’all. I really chewed him out, last night. I told him it isn’t fair to bust my chops about something that he turns around and does too. I can’t hold him down and spank him, but I’m a damn good “attorney”. I know how to argue, when I’m in the right. I don’t like to be upset with him. I get no pleasure from all of this. He was wrong, though. It mattered a whole lot, to me. I know how to make the dollars stretch. I’m paying half our mortgage every other week, rather than the whole amount just once per month. Doing that will have us paying off our house 1/3 quicker. Rather than it taking 30 years to pay off our home, we can do it in 20. I’m a forward thinker. It’s how I feel safe. I need to know there’s a plan for the important things.

Adam has been pretty quiet, today. I don’t want to be mad at him anymore. I hate to have a crappy evening. I really don’t want to do it again, tonight. All I need is for him to understand and acknowledge the reasons why I was so hurt and angry. I hope we can have a better night.

~Collin Raye

I just finished peeling and dicing potatoes, for our supper tonight. I’ve got ham and cheesy potatoes cooking, in the oven. I’m listening to “90’s Country” music, on my Spotify. This song came on. I haven’t heard it in a long time, but I love it.

Adam’s busy as heck, catching up at work. It was after 7:00pm, when he got home last night. Probably be late again, tonight. I’ve got a sick daughter, too. I got a phone call from the school nurse, yesterday. She had gotten sick to her stomach, so I picked her up. She’s still not feeling very well, today. If she’s still throwing up, tomorrow, I’m taking her into the doctor. Usually these stomach bugs only last 24 hours, max. I hate that she’s feeling so crummy. Also, I do not want whatever she has!

I need to vacuum the floors, but I was trying to stay quiet, so Mj could rest. She’s slept near constant, since I picked her up from school. I did dust all the ceiling fans, and around the house, where the walls meet the ceiling. There’s so much construction, all around us. We get a lot of dust, and cobwebs that form super quickly, too. Wyatt has a baseball game, this evening. It’s real cold here. The high was only 43 degrees. I would be miserable, if I was him. But, he’s fine with it. Adam and I can’t be in the stands, watching, tonight. I can’t say I’m upset that Mj gave me a good excuse to stay inside, where it’s warm and cozy.

While we were in Kansas, it was freezing cold! We didn’t get to spend any time outside, or get out the ATVs. The kids had a lot of fun, anyhow. We went to their family’s shop, and played pool. Several of Adam’s brother’s friends came by, too. Adam had more beer than he’s used to drinking, so I didn’t drink. I volunteered to be the designated driver. It was still a lot of fun, though. I really like his brother’s girlfriend! She is such a sweetheart. I spent a lot of time talking with her. I accidentally gave my nephew a big ol’ goose egg on his head. He was sitting at the top of the steps, trying to be sneaky, so he could scare one of the other kids. I snuck up behind him, and said RAWWWR, as I touched his shoulders. He jumped so hard, he smacked his head on the stair railing. Thankfully, he thought it was funny. I loved spending some time with my niece and nephew, and seeing all the kids have a blast, together.

Jackie is moving out, this weekend! I’m so happy for her. They’ll still live close, so she won’t be hard to see. I’m kind of excited to have the whole basement. Adam’s family wants to come down, this summer. That’s a perfect guest space to have, for them. My sister, her husband, and baby Pj are going to be moving to Texas, this Fall. I love that I can have somewhere for them, when they come home to Tennessee, too.

Aside from a couple eye rolls, and once when I flipped him off recently, Adam hasn’t had any reason to bust my butt. He gives me a smack, when I do those things, but it isn’t that serious. If I rolled my eyes, or flipped him off when we weren’t joking around, that would be very different.

Mj is requesting some chicken broth. I’m going to fix some, and pray it stays down in her belly. Wish us luck!

We made it home! I drove about half of the drive back home, and I averaged 80 mph all the way. Even going through St Louis, 5 lanes of traffic…There I was, in the very most left lane, following the cars before me, who were also in a hurry to get home. I was ready to get out of that car!

I was opening our mail, and our mortgage bill was in there. I opened it, and got an unwelcome surprise. Our property taxes have increased by $140 a month, now!! I think that is absurd. I was very very grumpy about it.

My brother had a friend he had gone through boot camp with. He’s been close to this guy for all these years. His name was Jason. Jason’s wife called my brother, on Friday, to inform him of some tragic news. Jason had an asthma attack, that led to cardiac arrest, and he was in the hospital. He was unresponsive, and they were going to be doing brain scans, to see if he still had any brain activity. I talked with my brother, awhile ago. Jason did not have any brain activity, and he passed away today. He leaves behind a wife and a 2 year old daughter.

As aggravated as I am, about discovering our monthly mortgage payments are increasing because our stupid government decided to raise our taxes, that news was a big reality check. I’m heartbroken for everyone who will have to live without Jason. I need to step back, and thank our Lord above, that my worries are nothing more than a few dollars. Our lives can forever change, in an instant. I am so grateful for the people, and the blessings that I have. We will deal with the stuff life throws us, and be just fine, as long as we have each other.

We made it to Kansas, about 4:45pm, this afternoon. We made pretty good time! Adam’s mom is Catholic, and since it’s Lent, she cooked everybody fish filets, mixed fruit, and macaroni and cheese, for supper. our niece and nephew were here, waiting for us. The kids are all downstairs playing, now. Adam, his brother, his mom, and I are watching a movie. Well, they’re watching…I’m not, clearly. It’s COLD here! It’s about 32 degrees, and the wind just bites through your clothes and into your skin. The kids really want to ride 4 wheelers tomorrow, but it needs to be warmer! Everybody will freeze, if it’s still like this out.

I’m fixing to go put on my cashmere sweatpants, and get cozy. Adam’s mom always has all kinds of hot cocoa and coffee stuff here, for me. I think I’m going to make a cup of hot cocoa.

If y’all haven’t seen “The Wizard of Oz”, that title probably made no sense… Dorothy, from that movie, is trying to get back to Kansas.

Well, it looks like plans have changed. We’re not leaving until tomorrow morning, now. Adam is going to be working late, tonight. I was grouchy about it, and I kind of got an attitude. I checked myself, though. As I mentioned before, I do not want to sit on a freshly spanked ass for 10 hours. Oh well. Now Jackie and I will be able to hang out, in the kitchen, tonight.

I baked some cookies. It helps to warm me up, when I bake something. It’s chilly, today. High was only 59 degrees, and it’s cloudy and dreary. Adam’s mom said they got snow there, earlier this morning! Yuck. I hope it isn’t intolerably cold, when we’re there, because I’d like to shoot some guns. The kids love riding 4-wheelers, and taking “the general” out riding. It’s a 4 seater ATV, and it’s a lot of fun. We’re planning to get something like it, for here, this summer. To Mj, a million dollars is more money than she could spend. She was telling us, the other day, if she won a million dollars, what she’d do with it. She says she’d buy all the houses on our block. She’d have one for Jackie and Justin. One for her best friend and her dad. One for her grandma (Adam’s mom). And, one for her cousins to stay in. She told Jackie she’d buy her a truck with a “snorkel” on it, so Jackie could take it out on the water. She also said she’d hire a driver, so if Jackie and I wanted to get “woozled” (her words), we could still go somewhere. That one made me laugh! My kids know, I won’t ever get behind the wheel if I’ve had, even ONE, alcoholic drink. I’m very particular about that. I always try to drill that into their heads, as well. It’s just not worth it. Obviously, one million dollars could never buy all of those things, but it was cute how all her plans were for everyone she loves! ❤️

I’m hoping to be on our way, by 7:00am, tomorrow morning. Adam suggested leaving at 5:00am, but ugh…I’d rather aim for 7:00. We could be there by evening, and not be too tired to enjoy it with everyone. I honestly prefer driving at night. There’s less traffic. The kids sleep through most of the trip, so we have way less potty breaks. Oliver also doesn’t require as many of them. We don’t want to be leaving here late tonight, and not arriving until after sunrise, because that’s so much harder on us. We’d need to sleep, and then we’d be trying to recover all weekend. If we leave in the morning, we should be able to have a fun Saturday and Sunday. Still, I wish we could’ve left here this afternoon, so we could have all day Friday there, too. I’m doing my best to adjust my attitude.

I’m going to boil some chicken, and throw it in my crockpot with some BBQ sauce. We’ll have pulled chicken sandwiches for supper, tonight. I’ve got leftover pasta salad, and I’m going to make some fries. I’m planning to bake some muffins to bring with us, for breakfast, tomorrow. Adam and the kids like chocolate chip, but I like fruit muffins. So, I’m making both. I need to finish packing, too. Guess I’ll go get started on those things.