I have so many special people in my life. I have so much to be grateful for. It frustrates me how shattered I can suddenly feel, out of nowhere, in the most random of moments. I was putting away my “Fall” themed kitchen towels, and getting out my Winter/Christmas ones. I came across this one towel, mixed in with all the others. It’s just a white tea towel. It has the words Mrs Claus written on it in silver, cursive letters. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at my mom’s house. She had just bought these towels. She gave me one. Just a couple of months before that, I had found a cute kitchen towel that I knew she would like. It had cats on it, I remember. She’d gotten wasted and been very hateful and said some cruel things to me, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her, yet. I was afraid to knock on her door, so I put it inside her mailbox, along with a little note. She’d been so fucked up on all the shit she was putting into her body, she didn’t even remember the way she’d hurt me. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t just come to her door. I made up an excuse, rather than confront her with the things she’d said and done. I told her we’d been sick, and I didn’t want to get her sick. I think that her giving me that stupid Mrs Claus towel, was her way of reciprocating the gesture I’d made, with the one I’d left in her mailbox.

I was in a good mood! I’d been excitedly putting the finishing touches on my Christmas decorations around the house. Preparing to decorate the tree, with my family. Then, I come across this mundane, unassuming towel, and I’m flooded with emotion. It hurts. It’s so hard. How can I find myself still missing my mother? I miss those times, when she made me feel loved. That stinking towel is just another random thing that brings me back to a feeling I miss more than words can describe here. I grieve the loss of someone I truly, never even had. I long for something my mother never could really give me. Unconditional love. The kind that I feel every time I think of my own children. The kind that I instantly felt for my new baby niece. It’s very hard not to listen to this little voice, inside of me, that whispers, “It’s your fault. You weren’t enough.” All the love I get from my husband, my children, my family, and my friends, it still cannot seem to fill the hole my mother’s absence has left inside of me. Knowing your mother doesn’t want you, unless it suits her. She attempts to worm her way back into my sister’s life, at this vulnerable time in her life. She’s just had her first baby. Of course she would wish her mother was here! Meanwhile, all our mother does is use her to hurt our dad, or me. She uses all of us. We’re disposable. Unless we allow her to use us like pawns in her “game”, we’re useless to her. So, I find myself sad, furious, lonely, and desperate to make it stop. I can only push it down for so long, and then, I do something like find a kitchen towel, and those emotions are all rushing back to the surface. Still, I can’t make myself get rid of things like the kitchen towel, because I know there won’t ever be another. I will never get, even the tiniest bit of assurance that my mother loves me, ever again. I don’t know how to proceed. Somehow, she still haunts me, especially when I’m truly happy. As if, I’m not allowed to feel that good. I don’t deserve it. That’s what that little voice whispers to me, anyway. It reminds me, too often, that the love of my most cherished people is not a guarantee. They too, might leave, if I don’t serve a purpose for them. I’m left desperately wanting to be needed, and never quite feeling I’m enough.

I know what a juxtaposition this must be from my last several blog posts! That’s the point. It’s such a shock to myself, too! Suddenly, I’m so incredibly sad, and it’s the last thing I expected.

I’m such a proud Auntie! My baby niece is beautiful. My sister did an amazing job, too. She showed strength like I’ve never seen from her before. Adam is a very proud uncle, as well. Every new picture my sister sends me, he wants to see it right away, too.

Another thing that I’m feeling real proud about, is myself. I haven’t done a thing to upset Adam in a good little while. While we were in the shower, last night, he asked me, “Have I told you enough how proud I am of you?” I shook my head and said, “Tell me again”. He took my face in his hands and told me how much he appreciates the efforts I’m making for him, and what a great job I’m doing. Then, he kissed me. Things as simple as that make me so happy!

My daughter’s best friend is staying the night here. We’re putting our tree up, later tonight. Adam and our son are working on the lights and decorations outside. The weather hasn’t been too bad. It’s been a perfect Thanksgiving weekend!

My baby niece, “PJ”, was born at 4:52pm today!! I’m so proud of my sister! It’s incredible watching her become a mama now, too. My heart is so full! It’s been a very long couple of days for her, but she did amazing and everyone is doing great.

We had a great Thanksgiving! My dad and his girlfriend came over. She brought her kids, who are such good kids. We also had a man who is a real refugee from Afghanistan. He was an incredibly sweet person. He’d never been to an American Thanksgiving dinner. I was so happy to be able to represent the spirit of Thanksgiving, and show him some kindness and fun. He had never thrown a football, until today! He didn’t know how a buffet dinner worked. It’s a powerful reminder to be grateful, thankful, this Thanksgiving, for the blessings I get to enjoy.

I’m exhausted now! It was a beautiful day, though.

Not my typical post, but I wanted to share something I’ve learned. I have a Ninja cooking system. There’s a steam button on it. I always used to struggle like hell to get the eggshells to peel off of hard boiled eggs nicely. I tried all the tricks I’d found, on how to boil them without having that problem. Nothing worked. Through trial and error, I’ve learned how to do them perfectly, every single time! The Ninja comes with a rack that fits inside it. You can just fill the bottom with a little water. It doesn’t even go up to the rack. Just enough for it to steam. Place the eggs on top of the rack, press the steam function, and set the timer for 30 minutes. Perfect hard boiled eggs! Just thought I’d throw that out into the universe, in case anyone else could use that information 😉

There is a turkey…in my bathtub…as I write this. Adam has a turkey fryer that he is going to use to deep fry our Thanksgiving turkey, tomorrow. The turkey has to be completely thawed, or else things can go bad, real quick. The oil would splatter, possibly even explode. We don’t want that! So, there’s a turkey thawing in my bathtub.

When Adam and I were in the shower, last night, the topic of “earliest memories” came up. I started to tell him about, what I believe, is my earliest memory. It was my third birthday. My brother and I were playing, and I ran into the dining room. My mother was wrapping a present. It was one of those little magnetic chalkboard toys, with all the magnetic letters and shapes. It had a drawer in it, where the chalk and letters could be stored. It isn’t the gift that makes it such a significant memory, though. My mom was nice to me. I remember she talked to me in a sweet, gentle voice. She smiled. She wasn’t angry. That came as such a surprise to me, even at that age, it became a memory I held onto forever. Then, I casually started to talk to Adam about some other random childhood things. My dad wasn’t home as much, when I was little. I have no memories of ever having my mom take me to bed, tuck me in, kiss or hug me goodnight. I assume, she must’ve, when I was tiny? I just know that I didn’t grow up being told goodnight. I took myself to bed. My dad was always loving, affectionate, kind. I hadn’t ever stopped to wonder why that seemed to stop. As I talked about these things, with Adam, I realized, it was because it made my mother angry, when my dad showed me affection. I learned to avoid snuggling him. I would tense up and freeze, when he’d hug me or play with my hair. I’ve carried a lot of guilt about those things. I didn’t know why I’d shut him out the way I had, until it dawned on me, because I didn’t want to make my mother angry. I would see my sister sitting in his lap, riding with him to run errands, getting all the affection I refused from him. I’d feel sad and a little jealous, sometimes. I blamed myself, though. It wasn’t until I got older and moved out, my dad and I formed a relationship that was independent of my mother, and her watchful eyes.

I was processing all of this information, all of these thoughts and memories, while I talked to Adam. I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t crying. Truthfully, I was just “matter of fact”, about it all. I’ve never shared those things with Adam. Hell, I hadn’t even known some of it, until I took the time to consider it, last night. Adam got so quiet. He looked very sad, almost angry even. I stopped talking, then. We silently finished our shower. I turned the water off, and before I could step out, Adam pulled me into his arms. He told me “I will never be mean to you. I will always tell you goodnight.” He had the saddest look in his eyes. I’m not sure whether it’s a good idea to just toss out information like that again? I felt sorry that I’d upset Adam. I don’t know if I’m numb, over it, or maybe I pushed it back down into that deep place inside me where I usually store things like I told Adam? I don’t feel sad today, though. I’m good! I’m doing my best to make sure that Adam can see that.

Adam tasked our son to organize the tool shed, clean his bedroom, and do some yard work. He got up early and has finished all of his jobs. I’m running around cleaning, like a maniac. Scrubbing walls, cabinets, doors, and floorboards. We’ve got about 14 people coming here, for Thanksgiving. I’ve got everything I need to make that dinner. Tomorrow, I’ll bake the pies and deviled eggs, so they’re all done. In our family, we make mimosas and drink one while we fix Thanksgiving dinner. Then, after dinner, we sit around and play cards or board games. As long as we can all stay healthy, it should be a fun day! Our daughter is better today, but not well enough to go to school. I swear, since covid and an entire year of “virtual learning”, my kids are sick constantly. It’s like their immune systems forgot how to work.

My sister is scheduled to go in to have her labor induced, tomorrow evening! I’m so excited to meet my new baby niece!! I’m going to make some casseroles that they can just heat and eat, after they bring baby home. It’s definitely a busy week here.

Things at Adam’s work are settling down. He’s been much less stressed about all that. I have been nothing but supportive, kind, respectful, and loving. I told Adam, last night, “I want you”. He said, “I’m right here, baby”, and then pulled me into his arms. I climbed on top of him, straddling him, and said, “Let me be more clear. I want you inside of me, now”. I think that turned him on, because I’m just a little sore today. It was fun, though! I never get bored of seeing my husband’s naked body, and feeling him love me with it. His hands, his lips, his nether region. All of him. I’m always attracted to him, but he’s really starting to look good, since he’s been working out and eating better.

I’m fixing to go vacuum, sweep, and mop our floors. Adam also just reminded me about something I need to ask my dad about, so I’d better get busy. Hope y’all have a blessed day!

Our son got suspended from school, today. He got into a shoving match with another boy. The other boy told him “your mama should’ve raised you better”, and our son told him “don’t talk about my mama like that”. I guess some pushing and shoving followed. I love my little man for always wanting to stand up for me! I missed the phone call from the principal, so they called Adam. Adam heard about this before I did. I wasn’t supposed to talk to our son about it until Adam got home. Adam wanted to be a part of the whole conversation. I did my best to soften Adam up, though. Our son just became a teenage boy. He’s got hormones coursing through him. Isn’t this just what boys do?! When Adam got home, he walked in the door with a purpose. Our son was very concerned about what his daddy was going to think about all this.

We talked to him. Adam was much more “stern”, and he gave our son a list of jobs he needs to do, while he’s out of school tomorrow. I told our son, he has to learn to determine is it worth it? Is fighting that other boy worth losing his spot on the wrestling team? I told him to imagine he’s at a gas station, and some guy starts mouthing off. If you approach him, you never know what this guy might do. Maybe he’s got a weapon? Maybe, your mama will get a phone call that you aren’t ever coming home again. All because some guy mouthed off to him. I said, now imagine that you’re at the same gas station, with a cute girl you love, and this guy starts to hurt her. Is it worth it to step in, now? This is the thing he has to consider. I’ve done told everyone I know, if someone ever harms my babies, I’m fine with prison. I’m not going to go out and look for trouble, and then spend my life sitting in a cell away from my family. I will do it, though, if I have to. Life is all about figuring out the risks and rewards. My poor sweet boy was breaking my heart. I think I made a difference, talking to him like I did. I think Adam did his part, too. He put the fear of Adam into our son if this happens again without a good reason. We’ve always told our kids they can defend themselves, and we won’t be mad. My boy is really starting to grow up. Still, nothing feels better than having him feel like he can come and cry on his mama’s shoulder, when he’s having a tough time.

I told Adam, he gets to be the “soft place” for our daughter. It’s as important to me that I can be that for our son. I don’t want to “baby” him. I just want him to know he can always come to me and, no matter what, he can cry on my shoulder and I will do everything I can to help him through it.

The truth is, as a parent, we’re all winging it. I’m just doing the very best that I know how to. It’s the same with marriage. I do everything I know how to, while doing my best to learn about how to do even better. I love my children from the deepest, purest part of my soul. I know Adam does, too. We just show that love to them in different ways. I’m thankful that they are growing up with both of us. Together, we make a pretty great team. I know our son did something silly today, but he’s a great kid.

Our daughter woke up with a fever and a horrible cough. Influenza is going around horribly here. I spent my morning taking care of her, and my afternoon taking care of our son. I’m about to spend the rest of the evening doing my best to love and support my husband, now. I realized, I appreciate him for allowing me to be the soft place for our son. He has to be the “hard ass”. I get to be the one my little boy goes to when he just needs a hug. That means more to me than I can describe.

I had a great time, last night! Going to be spending today recovering, though. Jackie and I drank a beer, on the way. Adam is always our designated driver 😉 I drank 2 beers, at the show. For some reason, that was enough to leave me feeling a little hung over, today. I was very good to Adam. I didn’t do or say a single thing to push any boundaries. We had a big group of friends who showed up, too! I needed a fun night out. We made it home before midnight, but I still feel like I could go for a nap.

I don’t have much else to report. Think I’m going to stay in my cozy pajamas all day, and go join my husband on the couch.

I forgot to mention, I won our bet! Adam lost ONE pound. I GAINED 3! Adam went from 202 lbs to 201. I went from 92 lbs to 95. In fairness, Adam’s been using our garage to work out. We’ve got a bunch of equipment and weights. He’s probably put muscle weight on. He looks pretty good, if I say so myself. Still, I won. I’m very competitive. As if that wasn’t obvious, by now? We made this bet September 8th. We had until November 8th. I was hoping to gain 10 lbs, Adam wanted to lose 10 lbs. Neither of us got that far, but I did gain more than he lost 😉

I’ve got a roast slow cooking in my crockpot, along with chopped potatoes and baby carrots. Adam had to go into work. Our son had a wrestling competition, way too early this morning. Had to have him there by 6:00am. Now, we’re just hanging out at home. After Adam gets home, we’ll get ready for our night out. I’m supposed to get up there and sing for a few songs. My dad’s playing some songs. Our friend is playing. I’m looking forward to it! We don’t get out for “kid free” nights, all that often. I’m excited to get to wear something cute and go out. I’m thinking of wearing my mustard colored sweater. The one I was wearing when Adam came home and gave me a serious spanking, a couple months ago. Just an extra reminder to treat Adam with respect, since I tend to forget that when we’re around this group of friends.

I got a text, this morning, from an old friend of mine, from back in high school. It was fun to catch up and reminisce about the old days! We were such ornery kids!! Sneaking out, going to parties, skipping school, smoking and drinking…We were the kids everybody wanted to hang out with, because we were always finding mischief and fun. Somehow, we’ve turned out alright, though! Adam got a DUI, in college. I never got into any trouble like that. He was even more wild than I dreamed of being, when he was young. Lord help us if our children ever pull the kind of crap we did. We’ve managed to raise really respectful, good kids, so far. It’s hard to imagine them acting out like we used to.

I’m fixing to go run myself a bubble bath and enjoy some quiet time. The sun’s shining today. It should be a great Saturday!