The Honorable Judge Hardass

In our house, when the kids have a disagreement that can’t get resolved between them, we have “court”. They each present their cases before Adam, and he makes the final verdict. They had a “hearing”, recently. Our son promised to pay our daughter $20 to help him with something. She helped him. He paid her $10, but she wanted her other $10. He had decided that $10 was fair. She disagreed. They each gathered all “evidence” to present. Our son had even changed into some “church clothes” to wear to “court”. It turned out, our daughter had a signed “contract”. Our son had agreed to pay her $20. They both use phrases like your honor and objection. It’s, honestly, adorable. I believe Adam’s verdict is obvious in this picture, here!

Adam wants me to pay the bill we got for work done in our house. I plan to get it done! It’s not even “due” until the end of this month. I couldn’t do it yesterday, because I had a lot going on and I wasn’t home most of the day. I told him I have my doctor appointment today, but I promised to have it done by Friday evening. If I get home early enough, I’ll do it today. It’s kind of a pain because I have to meet up and get a physical check to pay them. It’s not as simple as a phone call or online bill pay. I explained these things to him. I do not feel like having to deal with “judge hardass”, tomorrow. I will make sure it gets done.

I’ve been consistently writing here since early Summertime. It’s different. I used to only write when I felt like it. I knew I needed an outlet, and I decided to try writing in my blog, again. It’s beyond helpful. Not only has it helped Adam, because I often share things with him so that he understands where I’m coming from. It helps me tremendously, too. I’m brutally honest in my writing. I don’t sugar coat things. Some days, there isn’t a whole lot for me to say. I just write what I’m feeling. I had told Adam, when I looked back, I feel like all I do is fuck up. I see progress, but I also see my failures. Too many of them! I think this is why he’s made a conscious effort to remind me that he sees the things I do right, and there’s more of those than either of us remember to give me credit for. I need to hear “‘atta’ girl” once in awhile, too. I can see that Adam is making an effort to give that to me. It isn’t only about punishing me when I screw up. It’s also praising the things I don’t screw up. Even when I do wrong, I appreciate having Adam recognize that I did right by coming to him and admitting it. He says that he knows I’m trying, and he sees improvement in these things he’s asked of me. He tells me that, if he didn’t think those things, he wouldn’t bother. I think it motivates me, at least as much, when he praises the good in me, as it does when he spanks me for the bad. I realize how much work it must be to walk in Adam’s shoes. Walking this line between being a “hardass” and standing firm when he needs to. I don’t really think he’s a hardass. I think he’s doing an excellent job of staying strong when it matters. That’s a good thing, even if my behind pays the price for it.

Shower Spankings

Yesterday morning, Adam’s day got started off on a bad note, and didn’t really get much better throughout the day. I was in a great mood, but I can tell when he’s grumpy at work, because he’s short with responses and much more quiet than usual. Jackie pays rent in the first of every month. She asked me if she could pay us her rent in two weeks, when she gets her next paycheck, because she had some unexpected things come up. I know better than to give her an answer to that question without talking to Adam first. I texted him about it. He called me. I got the “don’t make a habit of it or ask me again, but okay just this once” lecture, as if I was the one asking for a favor. I didn’t get an attitude with him or anything, though. He was late getting home, so it was after 8:00pm when he finally walked in the door here. I kept his supper warm. Adam has never, not once, walked into our home, after work, and brought his worries, frustrations, or troubles in with him. He is amazing about that.

Our son had been getting recruited by the wrestling coach. The coach asked him to come to a practice and then, last night, coach texted our son and asked him to join their team. The coach had already spoken to our son’s baseball coach and they’d worked out a schedule for him to do both. He was so proud and excited to tell his Dad! My son and I teased Adam about our plans to turn the house into a “Christmas wonderland” and we all laughed. Adam pretends to be a “Scrooge”, but it’s all an act. He loves that we all love Christmas time and he gets a kick out of pretending to be a buzzkill about it.

When it was time to get in our shower, Adam smacked my butt, as I was climbing in. I splashed some water on his face. He spanked me, again. I splashed, again. He spanked, again. I smacked his arm. He spanked me, again. I splashed him. He spanked me. This went on, no less than 20 rounds, before I couldn’t take it anymore. My behind was throbbing. Stubborn me hated to give in, but damn! Then, Adam asked me about something I had really hoped we wouldn’t have to discuss, right then. Earlier in the day, I had found out that some work we were having done here had run about 25% over budget. I had not mentioned it to Adam, because it didn’t seem like a good time to do that. He knew I’d spoken to someone about it, because we’d just had a conversation, the day before, when I’d mentioned calling to find out, since I hadn’t seen a bill, email, text, nothing yet. He asked me, “how much was it”? I blurted out the original estimate. He said, “$x? Thats it?” I said “wellllllll”. He tilted his head and gave me a look. I told him, “alright, so it was more like $y.” He pressed me on that, too. “Ok, so it’s really $y? There’s nothing else?” I looked down. I said, “ugh, alright. The final, real, total is $z”.

We both recognized that I had just attempted to “side step” something there. However, I pointed out, I did not follow through. I couldn’t just lie to him when he pressed me on it. I really didn’t want to discuss it last night, because I knew Adam already had a shitty day, and it was the last thing I wanted to dump on him. Adam turned off the shower, got out, handed me a towel, and put one around his own waist. I got out and wrapped my towel around myself. He took my face in his hands and held it so I was looking him in his eyes. He told me “I am so proud of how hard you’re working here, [Eve]. I know you’re trying and I understand that you didn’t want to tell me about this, tonight, but I still deserve to know what’s going on. This is why I have to punish you. I love you. I will always love you.” He kissed my lips, and then he went to the closet. He re-emerged, carrying a belt. I sat down, on the side of our bathtub. He let out a little laugh and told me, “Honey, you know that doesn’t work. C’mon. Let’s get this over with.” I shook my head slowly, while I stared into his eyes, silently pleading with him. He walked to me and gripped his hand around my arm so that he could stand me up, facing him. I, instinctively, wrapped my arms around his neck. I whimpered and buried my face into his chest when he lifted my towel that had been covering my bottom. He landed that belt straight across the center of my butt. It hurt. I jumped on him, climbing higher up his body, with my legs wrapped around his waist and my arms tightly held around his neck. He spanked me, once more. This time, he was much gentler. I slid down him, like he was a fireman pole, and sat down on the floor, holding onto his leg. He leaned down. I used my hands to “block” my behind. He assured me he wasn’t going to spank me again, and he helped me stand up. He told me again, how much he recognizes that I’m doing right. He wants me to know that he appreciates my efforts, but he still has to call me out, when I screw up. He mentioned that I was lucky he didn’t punish me for “side stepping”, which he felt he could’ve been justified in doing. He wanted me to know that he was proud of me for being honest, even if he did have to pry it out of me, at first.

When we were in bed, later, the subject of Christmas decor came up. He told me no buying anymore garland or anything like that without asking him, first. I said I’m not planning on it. Then, I giggled a little bit, because that was a prime example of how easy it is for me to “side step”. I wasn’t planning on it, but if I needed more, well…. I told him all of this, though. I promised I won’t do it. See, I am catching myself and my side stepping ways.

This morning, I don’t have one single mark leftover from the belt. I am covered in little black and blue “spots” all over my behind, from my stubborn refusal to give in and quit splashing or smacking Adam back, in the shower. I am legit sore as hell, too. I feel the ache.

Tis’ the Season

I had a lot of fun with my kids, yesterday! My first favorite song, when I was a little girl, was “Ghostbusters”. I played it while the kids were getting ready and danced around the kitchen singing it with them. Mj dressed as “Max” from the TV show “Stranger Things”. Our son dressed up as a baseball player. He’s obsessed with baseball, these days.

I swear, it was like a Hallmark channel movie, on our street, last night. This was our first Halloween in our new home. I loved it. Speaking of Hallmark movies…it is now, officially, November. My son asked me this morning, “Mama, do you know what time it is??” I replied, “6:19am?” He goes, “CHRISTMAS TIME!!!” Haha, my kid knows his mama. I absolutely love Christmas. I’m excited to decorate here in our new house this year, too. When I took the kids shopping for their last minute costume supplies, the stores had all the Christmas holiday stuff out. I started singing it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Somehow, my kids aren’t all that embarrassed by me, yet! My son had also found a scarecrow for me, while we were shopping. Our dog had chewed my old one up, last year. He asked me which one I liked and then he threw it in the buggy and assured me, if Dad says anything, He put it in there and I didn’t know a thing about it. I have great kids 😆

Adam was a little less “cold” toward Jackie, last night. He responded to her when she spoke to him. He didn’t look quite as angry or “hard”. Hopefully, time will heal this, too. Other than all that, things have been going great here. I believe in the magic of the Christmas season. I love the way everyone takes the time to be a little more courteous, more giving of themselves, kinder, generous, forgiving. I have faith. It’ll all work out.

Forgiveness

That last one was from the last night we spent in our old house, before we moved here to our new one. I had an emotional moment.

It was hard to choose from the plethora of photos I have with Jackie. Adam is my number 1. But, Jackie is my person. She’s who I go to when I need advice. She’s been with me through even more than Adam has. She took me to the hospital when I was in labor with my daughter. When I say she’s my best friend, I don’t mean that lightly. She is so important to me. I can’t imagine what I would do if she wasn’t in my life anymore. After Adam and my babies, she’s it. I love my Dad, my brother, my sister. I have some great other friends. But, Jackie is the only person who knows all of me, besides Adam, of course. We aren’t shy. There’s literally nothing off limits. You don’t find that kind of friendship everyday. It’s a once in a lifetime type of thing. She means the world to me. I would never just toss that away. It broke my heart to think that my trust could have been betrayed, even in a relatively small way. I know I can be reactive if certain “buttons” are pressed. I don’t believe I was wrong for feeling the way I did. I’m just beyond grateful that Jackie understands what she did and was willing to acknowledge it. My mother never apologized to me. Not once. She would blow up and scream and hit. I would hide somewhere. Eventually, she would act as if nothing was wrong. I would just go with it. That’s not something I’m capable of doing, anymore. I won’t push my upset “under the rug” and pretend it didn’t happen.

Adam isn’t as forgiving, to most people. He is still upset with Jackie. It’s making it difficult, because she can feel the tension when he’s in the room. Adam and I had a conversation about this, yesterday. I explained that I truly can forgive. When anyone who’s hurt me comes to me and sincerely apologizes, there’s nothing I can’t forgive. There is absolutely nothing that’s been done to me, by anyone, I couldn’t forgive. Adam told me that he admires that part of me. He said that I have such a big heart, and that makes it hard for him to let go of things that hurt me. He said that he’s become “much less of a dick, being with me, but he’s got no problem cutting out people who hurt his family”. I suspect he’s much more protective as a result of the things he watched my mother do to me. I understand he feels like he needs to “have my back”, and worries that I will end up back in that deep “hole” I was in until the last several months. I so wish he would let this incident go, though. I’m hoping time will soften his heart. He isn’t upset with me for mending things with Jackie. He’s just being…Adam. I love him so much for always looking out for me! I need my husband and my best friend to be friends again.

It’s always so foreign to me, when I see this side of Adam. He’s never directed it toward me. I get rare glimpses into this part of my husband. Even angry Adam is always careful and considerate of me and my feelings. Angry Adam is not like that, with anyone else. Our kids, of course, but outside of his immediate family, he’s kind of scary. I’M not afraid of him. I’ve seen the scars on his knuckles from his younger, wild, “don’t give a shit” days. I’ve seen him put some people in their places. I’ve overheard him chewing out someone at work. He pocket dialed me once, while he was at work, and holy moly… He hasn’t yelled at Jackie, or been cruel. He just isn’t willing to be very nice to her. That’s hard for me to see.

I asked Adam what I could do to him that would be unforgivable? He told me two things. Number 1, hurt our babies. Which, he knows, I’d never do. Number 2, cheat on him. Which, I’d never do. He repeated the question back to me. I agreed about hurting our kids. That’s my dealbreaker. I explained that, it would absolutely devastate me, if he cheated on me. It is hard to put this into the right words, but forgiveness would depend on whether he was sorry. I am not suggesting that it’s okay to cheat! It would be heartbreaking if he did that, and then deeply regretted it, apologized, worked with me to build trust again. It would crush my soul, if he cheated and wasn’t even remorseful. That’s the most important part, to me, when someone hurts me. Do you love me enough to hate that you hurt me? Do you love me enough to put in the work required to rebuild what you’ve damaged or destroyed? I told him that he could, literally, stab me in the heart, and the thing I would want most, would be for him to hold me and help me and be genuinely, sorry. That doesn’t mean things would just “go back to normal”. I desperately want the people I love, to love me like that, too. Maybe I’m wired differently than most? Maybe it seems stupid? It is how I feel, though.

Consent

I’ve never gotten out of a spanking, after Adam made the decision to punish me. I can, sometimes, explain myself in a way that helps to “soften” his heart. He has sympathy for me, even when he’s upset with me. Adam has told me, many times, that when he knows he is right, there’s nothing I can say or do to get out of trouble. There are circumstances where I will fully admit my fault. There are also times when I, sincerely, disagree with his assessment of my mistake. I can get angry and frustrated, when this happens. I’m just not one of those people who fully cooperates with discipline. I will, most always, go into our bedroom when Adam tells me to, even when I know he’s going to spank me. If I disagree with being punished, he might have to carry me, because I have been known to refuse. I have never, not even once, been able to force myself to obey an order to bend over, or turn over, and present my behind for Adam to spank. It isn’t simply because I’m stubborn. It isn’t because I think it’s funny to disobey him. I just cannot make my body do that. I freeze. Adam knows me very well. He’s an expert at reading my body language. He isn’t afraid to pick me up, put me over his knee, bare my bottom, and use his strength to hold me still, and spank me until he’s satisfied I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve never had a panic attack when he’s done it. That’s not to say it won’t ever happen, and if it does, I know full well what he would do. He would pause. He would do whatever was necessary to help me calm down. He would comfort me and reassure me. And then, he would spank me. I wouldn’t “get out of it”. I’ve also never really “lost my shit” when I was about to be disciplined. I’ve never screamed, cried, kicked, or any of those kinds of things. I can’t imagine ever doing that, but if I was that afraid, Adam would never force a spanking. He knows me. He knows when to be hard Adam and when to be soft Adam. He’s often both, at the same time, when he’s punishing me. That’s because he loves me. It’s because his goal is never to harm me or to traumatize me. The goal is to keep me safe, secure, and to assure me that he won’t ever let me fall. I wouldn’t have the love and the respect that I have for my husband, if he was ever cruel and uncaring. I wouldn’t learn anything, other than fear, if I didn’t know that he is always fair. He will spend hours explaining why I’m in trouble, a few minutes reddening my bottom, and then, as long as I need, talking and listening to me. He will sit with me until he is absolutely certain that I understand his reasoning, and I am confident that he considered mine.

I’m grateful that I can’t “get out of a spanking”. My writing may sometimes seem as if Adam is doing these things against my will. Never. Yes, I argue with him. Yes, I sometimes sit on the floor, attempting to protect my behind from him. Once in awhile, I don’t agree about deserving it. I have never been brought to our bedroom for a spanking, and then after, walked out of our bedroom feeling that way. I am absolutely certain that Adam’s heart would break if he ever did anything against my will. He knows that he has my consent, even when I’m in trouble. We’ve spent countless hours discussing these things. I’m positive that Adam would never spank my behind again, if he no longer had my consent. I don’t ever want that to happen! I can’t imagine going forward without this in our marriage. I trust Adam. I love him. I respect him. I need him. I also recognize my desire for his “hard hands”, when I’ve earned them.

Oops

Yesterday, I texted Adam, like I do every Friday, about bills I paid, money I put into various accounts, and all that super fun crap. I’m a saver. We have savings accounts for emergencies, for Christmas and birthdays, one for vacation, for medical bills, we have a couple retirement accounts, we have money invested in a (very uncertain) stock market. Having money set aside helps me to feel safe. My struggle, is there is never “enough” for me to stop worrying! Adam appreciates having money saved, but he prefers me to go over money management with him, before I make decisions. We had a good week, so I’d moved a decent amount into an account that can’t be spent easily. It takes days for money to transfer out of it and into our main account. This prevents any unnecessary, spur of the moment, expensive purchases. Well, Adam has been talking about buying a gas pickup truck to drive to work, instead of his duramax, because diesel fuel is outrageous. He loves his big ol’ diesel pickup, but it’s silly to be using it to get to and from work and spending $900 a month just for fuel to do that. So, we’ve talked about getting another truck he can use. He wanted to go look at one, yesterday. He wanted to be able to buy it, yesterday, if he liked it… I had just transferred that money from our main account. I told him this. He wasn’t happy. I didn’t know he wanted to look at a truck until after I’d told him I moved money, though! I, innocently, mentioned I’d done it, and this was when he informed me. How could I have known? I did try to argue that point, although I was not successful. I showed him my “book”. I keep track of expenses and all our accounts in it. I’m, generally, good at this. Still, I was in trouble.

I worked on him all day long. He was his regular, silly, supportive self. We’d talked on the phone, once. He was in a fine mood. He told me he was proud of me for a lot of other things I’d gotten done that he’d asked me to. I made myself a doctor appointment. Something he’s asked me to do all week. I got all our bills paid. I spoke to someone about a charge that I hadn’t made from my Amazon account. It got resolved. I shampooed the carpets. I got a lot done! Still, every time I asked if I was still in trouble, he would reply yes. I knew he wasn’t angry like when I “side step” the truth to him. I’d hoped maybe he was just going to call me into our room and lecture me and let that be it. I was nervous, anyway. I watched the front door camera, when I knew he’d be arriving home.

We were having, what I call, a “fend” night. Everybody chooses from leftover suppers I’ve saved. I was in the kitchen, setting out everything. Ham and cheesy potatoes, tuna casserole, chicken Alfredo, ribs, and lasagne were all options. The kids were outside, and Jackie was still working, so it was just me. Adam walked into the kitchen. He smiled. I returned a, cautious, half smile. He picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and carried me into our bedroom. He laid me on our bed and held one hand on my back, while he used the other to pull my pants down. He gave me a few swats with his hand. It stung, but nothing hard enough to leave any lasting marks. I slid down onto the floor. Adam sat down in front of me. He talked to me about why he wants me to discuss things like that with him, before I make decisions with money. He assured me that, he never expects me to justify every dollar I spend. He feels that he deserves to know about things like I’d done, though. I do understand that. He would never spend or move large amounts of money without talking to me first. Yes, I take care of our finances, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be informed about what I intend to do, the same as he does for me.

Later, in the shower, he told me that he hoped I understood that, even though he hadn’t spanked me too hard, or gotten angry, he meant it. I promised that, I absolutely understood. I am well aware that “warnings” like this are not repeated. If I do it again, my behind is going to regret it. I’ve experienced this plenty of times. The rest of our evening was wonderful.

Today, I’m taking the kids to grab a few things they need for Halloween trick or treating. Mj needs some temporary, spray on, red hair dye. We need candy for trick or treaters. So, we’re going to do some shopping. There’s no real plans for the rest of our weekend. Looks like it’s just going to be some family time at home, for the most part. I’m alright with that. ❤️

The Power of “I’m Sorry”

It happened. I was in my bathroom, throwing my hair up into a ponytail, when I caught someone out of the corner of my eye, in the doorway. It was Jackie. She had tears in her eyes and she asked me, “can I have a hug?” I hugged her and she cried and told me she was so sorry. Then, I bawled. We stood there for a long time. She had to get back to work. She works from home, in her apartment. So, she went back down there, and I wrote a text message to send her.

I call my mother by her first name, most times, when I’m referring to her.

I had tried to tell her about how I’d just written, in my blog, about how much I needed to just know she was sorry. I didn’t want to make her think I had been angry and cruel toward her when I’d written. I wanted to explain where my heart truly was.

Jackie replied, shortly after.

I think it’ll take some time, but things are much better. Having her come to me meant the world to me. ❤️

Sweet & Sour, Emotional Rollercoaster

We had “breakfast” for supper, last night. I am a decent cook, if I do say so myself, but bacon is Adam’s thing. He started the bacon as soon as he got home, while I worked on everything else. After supper, I cleaned up the kitchen, like always. Then, I made myself some arctic white chocolate hot cocoa and stood in the kitchen while I sipped on it and enjoyed a moment to myself. Adam walked in and smacked my behind. I, playfully, “slapped” his cheek. I would never seriously slap my husband. Then, he spanked me about a half dozen times. When he does that, even playfully, in that rapid fire succession, I about go crazy! I don’t want to tell him, but that actually hurts so much more than a few hard ones with a break, in between!! He wasn’t angry. We were just playing around. He asked me if I learned a lesson? I told him, “don’t do this”, and I “slapped” him, again. Ooof. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. He spanked me another half dozen or so times, as fast and hard as before. I screeched and climbed down so that I was straddling his waist with my legs and my arms around his neck. Adam called me his “little spider monkey” 😆 I didn’t retaliate, this time. My butt had had enough.

I had a nice afternoon hanging out with my little girl. We watched an old 1990’s Halloween movie with the Olsen twins in it. She was able to return to school today, feeling much better! Jackie had come up to bring Mj some cough drops, and I’ve seen her, in passing, a couple times. Besides that, we really haven’t spoken.

I’m really not just trying to be an asshole and hold a grudge, with Jackie. My struggle, is with the things she was willing to say and do while she was drunk and angry. I’ve overindulged, before. I’ve never done something like the things she did. It makes me feel like I can’t trust. This is something that I went through, with my mother, for years. It took enormous strength to finally cut my mother out of my life. I forgave my “mom” so many times, and I believed her every time she swore she was going to change. Allowing her in my life gave her a window into all of my shit. Good, bad, and ugly. My angry, drunk, and high mother would use those things to hurt me. She knew my struggles, my “skeletons in the closet”. Jackie knows literally ALL of me. I can’t believe she is capable of doing the same things she watched my mother do to break me. I love Jackie. I need her! I’m asking myself if I truly know her, anymore? Can I trust anyone?? What is wrong with me, that I find myself in this situation, again, with another person who is so willing to hurt me? I would absolutely never do that to anyone, let alone my loved ones! I can honestly say, I have never done things simply out of spite, just to hurt someone, in my adult life. As a young and dumb teenage girl, I did some cruel things. I won’t deny that. As an adult, I haven’t even been cruel to my worst enemies. I’m not “built” like that. I must be so naive to assume that the people I love would treat me the same. Jackie has been my very best friend for nearly 20 years. She’s done some shitty stuff. Nothing that’s cut me this deeply before, though. I don’t know what to do. She hasn’t even apologized. I refuse to “let it go” and just pretend like it didn’t happen. I won’t do it. None of this is easy or simple. My kids call her “aunt Jackie”. She’s with us for every birthday, every holiday, through the good and the bad. I’m not sure if I can go through what I did with my mother, again. I wonder if, maybe, I’m too reactive, because of my mother. Maybe I’m being too harsh. I just don’t know. I know that, at the very least, I need Jackie to acknowledge what she did, and be sorry.

Adam knows I’m hurting. He’s been incredibly supportive and sweet. I asked him, “what would you do if Miguel got in my face and talked to me like Jackie did to you?” (Miguel is one of Adam’s best friends). He told me, “Oh, I know what I’d do. And I would have no problem cutting him from my life after I kicked his ass, either.” Then, he paused, and he told me he understands that it’s more complicated than that, for me, with Jackie. We’ve been so close for so long. He said he would support me, whatever I decide to do here. I know he’s not kidding about what he’d do if one of his friends did anything to hurt him or his family. Adam doesn’t tolerate bullshit from anybody. He’s kind and gentle and forgiving, with his family. He’s not like that with people who threaten us. I’ve seen a whole new, expert level of angry come out of him, when it comes to protecting his family. If I let this go, with Jackie, am I not protecting my family? Jackie is family, to me. This is so hard. I’m the type of person who, when I commit to something, I mean it. When I make a decision, a life changing difficult one, I know, in my heart, that’s it. I won’t go back on it. I’m loyal. I’m trustworthy. So, what is the loyal thing to do? Stand by my best friend, and forgive, and trust that this won’t happen again? I gave my mother countless chances. Doesn’t Jackie deserve that? I don’t know? Am I stupid if I trust her again? Am I heartless if I never let her back “in”? So many confusing thoughts, all at once. I wish she would apologize. I wish she could see how much she’s hurt me, and care. I hope she does. I need her to.

Took a “Sick Day“

My daughter came home from school with a fever, yesterday. She’s still sick, and had to stay home. Today is their Halloween party at school. They’re watching Hocus Pocus and had treats and were going to change into their costumes. I hate that she had to miss out!

We got some crazy storms here yesterday, too! Strong winds and heavy rain. I took a really pretty picture.

My plans for the afternoon are to snuggle my little girl, and watch some “scary” movies. I don’t sit down like, ever. Very rarely, anyway. I’m always standing, moving, doing something. Everybody knows that, if I sit down to watch a movie, in about 10 minutes, I’ll be passed out. I don’t know why, but I cannot stay awake during a movie! I like music to be on while I’m cleaning or doing chores. That wakes me up. But, I promised my daughter I would sit and watch with her, today. Other than that, there isn’t a whole lot for me to write about, because there’s absolutely nothing else going on here!

Me & My Big Mouth

I opened my big mouth. I said something to Adam that was not, exactly, or even remotely, respectful. He told me, “This is your one warning. It’s the only pass I’ll give you.” I could see that he was struggling with whether it was the right decision to let me slide, even just this once. I was good with it, though. Later, after we’d gone to bed, this came up again. I repeated the thing I had said, earlier, and decided to elaborate. I added some extra “glitter” to something Adam already did not appreciate… He wasn’t amused. He told me he couldn’t let this go. I panicked and told him that felt a lot like “double jeopardy”! He couldn’t put me on trial for the same crime! He wouldn’t bend, this time. He started to climb out of bed. I grabbed onto him and held my arms around his neck, and my legs around his waist, like a damn baby monkey on its mama. I begged him “NO! I don’t want to sleep on my stomach! Pleeeease don’t!” He just said, “I have to.” He held up his hand and told me he could use his hand or his belt. I swear, his hands turn to stone, when he’s punishing me with them. I wouldn’t make that choice, this time. His hand hurts like hell, too! More than the belt ever really has. Even though I know, deep down, the belt could do way more damage, if he wanted it to. He walked toward our closet, where the belts were. I’m still straddling him, doing my best to stop him, but getting nowhere. I jumped down when he opened the closet door. I ran to our bed and jumped onto it. He came toward me, carrying that mother fucking belt in his hand. I continued to plead with him. He told me to turn over. I said no. He pulled me up, his hand under my arm, so that I was standing, facing him. He swung the belt once, twice, three times. I, somehow, wound up on the floor. He rolled me over, onto my belly, and gave me one more.

He took his belt back to the closet while I sat up, on the floor. I tucked my knees up under my chin and laid my head on my knees. He came back to me and told me that he’d caught the belt on his own leg that first one, and it would’ve done a lot more damage, had he not done that. The truth was, it hadn’t hurt that much. The belt scares me so badly, though. I was breathing heavy and fighting myself not to let any tears come. He knows how afraid of that belt I am. He also knows how easily I can bruise. He never wants to seriously harm me. It seems that he goes back and forth between, either feeling like he was too harsh, or too soft. I sat on the floor, with my head resting on my knees, until he reached down and picked me up. He put me up on our bed. Then, he climbed in and covered both of us up. He pulled me into his arms while I continued to breathe heavily and worked to calm myself down. We didn’t say anything more. I woke up twice, through the night. Both times, I laid there and let myself cry in the dark. I’m not sure if I can explain the things I felt. I just needed to let myself cry.

This morning, I texted Adam and I told him I was sorry. He wrote me back thank you. Awhile later, I sent another text message with a more elaborate description of why I understood I was wrong. He text me we’re good. I wrote, ok. He replied, seriously, baby. And, that was the end of that.

I hate his belts. Yea. It’s plural now. Two belts. Equally terrifying. Also, I need to learn how to quit while I’m ahead. I do “push it”, with Adam. We’ve discussed this. He understands that it isn’t always easy for me to realize I’m losing my power, with him. He isn’t afraid of me, at all. It’s such a mixture of emotions, for me. Frustration and comfort. Fear and security. He’s, most certainly, assuring me that he is here, there, and everywhere. I can try to push him away, but he will stand firm. I can attempt to pull away from him, but he will hold me close. These recent spankings are no joke. I have two marks on my upper thigh leftover from that belt. Adam isn’t fooling around. I think I’m starting to realize this. Holy hell. I do have a high pain threshold. This doesn’t make it easy for Adam. I have still never cried from the physical pain of a spanking. It’s what it does to me, emotionally, that gets me. Adam always tells me that he gets no pleasure from seeing a bruise on my behind leftover from a spanking he’s given me. Having said that, I’m pretty certain that if I lie to him, or even “sidestep” the truth again, there’s a good chance I end up with an even worse looking butt the next day! I feel like, the next time I’m in trouble, I’ll probably start bawling before the first smack on my behind. I’m no longer afraid about what he might do. I’m afraid of what he will do.