I had a long day, yesterday. I was tired, sad, pissed off, and it was like everybody was on my very last nerve. Poor Adam was doing his best to be helpful and supportive. I was on a damn rollercoaster of emotion. One minute, I could push down the bad feelings and managed to appear okay, the next minute, I was raging inside.

When Adam and I got in the shower, I mentioned something I needed to get done. He asked me, “You haven’t done that yet?!” I don’t have a good answer as to why, but this set me off! I said, “Are you kidding me? You’re going to give me hell about this? Why haven’t you gotten [and I named off a few things he’s been needing to get done]?” I truly can’t remember much of what else was spoken between us, until the point where I told him, “I ain’t gonna make myself small so that you can feel big, weak so you can feel strong.” He got very quiet and sat down in the shower. I accused him of moping and he looked up at me and asked me, “Is that really what you think I’m doing, right now?” I could feel his frustration, but I still couldn’t break from the spell my own frustrations had over me.

We finished our shower, barely speaking to each other. I went upstairs and told our kids goodnight. He went and told them goodnight, while I brushed my teeth. He brushed his teeth, while I unmade our bed and climbed into it. He got into bed and pulled me into his arms. We went to sleep. This morning, I woke up to him brushing hair from my face and kissing my forehead, before he had to leave for work. I had instant regrets about my behavior, last night. I sent Adam a text after I’d gotten the kids off to school. I apologized. I feel awful for taking out my pissed off on him. He didn’t deserve that. It’s exactly the kind of thing I’ve done for years. The difference is, we used to get up, the next day, and go on like it didn’t happen. He didn’t call me out for it. We didn’t talk about it. I’d feel guilty. I’d usually even apologize. “Consequences” weren’t a thing, for a very long time, though. Since Adam’s been seriously holding me accountable, I realize just how much it matters, when I do shit like that. I think twice about a whole lot more, these days. My greatest struggle, is containing “angry Eve”. I have an amazing ability to spew the most sassy things from my mouth, without even thinking about it. I turn off every part of my brain that tries to discourage me from saying things I’ll regret. I feel like an ass for not realizing sooner just how much I can hurt my husband. Sometimes, I’m not sure why he even puts up with it! The best way I can explain myself, is to say that Adam is my safe place. That’s not an excuse to be disrespectful or to take my anger out on him. It’s just that, he’s the person I know I can lash out at, and he loves me anyway. It isn’t that I’m intentionally trying to hurt him. I’m desperate to release the pent up hurt, fear, anger, and frustration I’ve been holding onto, and I turn it on him, sometimes. That doesn’t make it right. It’s just the truth.

He told me he was proud of me for recognizing all of this, and for saying I was sorry. He isn’t angry. Still, I know I’m going to get it when he gets home. Thank God I have such a patient and understanding and caring husband. Thank God he sees through my bitchy attitude and can still find the parts of me that are good.

We’re going to have a “talk”, when he’s home.

Jelly Roll released his newest single called “She”, today. That song is very personal for me.

I’m making some meatballs with green bean casserole and some mashed potatoes, to bring to my sister and her husband. I’m bringing my babies over to meet their new cousin, after school. I’m excited for them to meet Pj!

I have a few things that are bouncing around inside my head, today. Things I need to write about, but I’m not quite ready to do it. I’m ok, it’s just not the day for me to bring some things to the surface. I’m trying to be happy and smile and I’m afraid to talk (write) about it, would make that even harder to do. I’ll write more tomorrow.

❤️

A couple of weeks ago, we had to sign and mail in something that was needed by November 23. I put it in the envelope, put a stamp on it, and put it in our mailbox, with the flag up, to alert our mail carrier to take it. I told Adam I’d done all of that, and that was the end of it. Our mailbox is different than most. It has a lock, so we have to use our key to open it. It isn’t like the kind you’d find at an apartment complex, where there’s a whole bunch of different boxes all together. It’s just our mailbox. It has a door that the mail carrier opens, drops our mail into, and nobody can get into where the letters fall, without our key. I have to place things we’re mailing out sort of half in, half out of that door the mail carrier opens. I don’t grab our mail every single day. I usually do it every 2-3 days. So, a couple of days after I’d mailed the paperwork, I brought in the mail, and it was mixed in with our mail. I suspected the mail carrier either didn’t see it, or opened the door and it fell in with our regular mail. At that point, I’d done nothing wrong. Where I screwed up, is that I kept it from Adam. I actually put the envelope with the paperwork back behind some other papers and things I keep in a drawer. I fully intended to get it put back into the door, so the mail carrier would grab it, the next day. The reason I didn’t mention this to Adam, is because I didn’t want him to think that I might not have been honest about mailing it when I’d told him I had. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. I’d been getting myself into way too much trouble, and I just didn’t want to risk it.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I was cleaning some things up, and it dawned on me, I forgot about that paperwork! I hadn’t remembered to get it back into the mail. It was already too late to get it mailed yesterday, too. I was driving myself crazy with guilt and worry, but I decided not to say anything to Adam until he was home. He was super busy, yesterday. I didn’t want to make him grumpy at work. I didn’t want him to come in the door angry, when he got home. So, I waited until we were in the shower. Adam can always sense when something’s bothering me. He knew very quickly that there was something I needed to tell him. He hugged me close to him and told me to just tell him what’s going on. I started by insisting that what I’d done was absolutely not malicious. It truly was not something I meant to forget. I explained the whole situation to him. He wasn’t angry with me, but he was frustrated. He asked me why I would think he wouldn’t have trusted me, if I’d told him about it, in the first place? He told me he believed me now, even after I waited 2 weeks to tell him. He told me, I could’ve put it right on the kitchen counter, where we’d both have seen it, and been reminded to get it sent off. I didn’t argue with that, at all. It was very dumb to try to put it out of sight, because that’s why I forgot about it. It was selfish of me to keep this from Adam, in the first place, because he would’ve helped me remember. Shit like this is just sooo stupid! When I look back, I think to myself, what the hell was I thinking?? I get mad at myself, too! All I was thinking was, I didn’t want to give Adam any reason to be disappointed in me or to question whether I’d lied to him when I’d told him I’d gotten it sent in the mail. What I wound up doing, is disappointing him and making certain he might doubt me in the future, which just crushes me inside.

Adam did spank my butt a few times, there in the shower, but nowhere near as bad as I’d expected. I was and am feeling terrible, though! The papers got sent, today, even though they’re late. That turns out to not be the end of the world. I still feel really guilty, though.

Sometimes, (often times, if I’m honest) I can push Adam, when I’m feeling insecure. Like, when I get too much in my head about things with my mother. I find myself pushing against him, to make sure he won’t move. I made a very conscious decision to not allow myself to do that, after my upset the other day, when I was so sad about a kitchen towel I’d found from my mother. I didn’t get an attitude. I didn’t act like a brat or a bitch. I didn’t do something to irritate Adam on purpose. I held myself together. Still, I ended up having done something stupid, anyway. Ugh.

My main takeaway here, is to quit trying to shield Adam or myself from shit. I have got to stop deciding what Adam should or should not know about. Trying to hide things that might upset him, always results in a guarantee to upset him. He ends up feeling like I don’t trust him. That is a crappy thing to do to my husband. The person who loves and trusts me more than anyone in the world. I am much more angry with myself than Adam is at me!

Sent this in my family’s group text, today. My sister, Jackie, my dad, his girlfriend, my brother, his wife, and I have a group we text in like all day long. My Alexa show said this, earlier. No kidding? You don’t say?! I swear…🤦‍♀️

Between the time Adam and I left the house to go to my sister’s, last night, and the time we got back home, I had 62 messages in our group text! We definitely chat a lot. Like all day, everyday. I love it, though.

Just thought this one was funny. Have to laugh at the world today, otherwise it’ll make you depressed as hell!

My sister and her husband brought baby Pj home, yesterday! I made some soup for them. Adam and I brought it over and we got to meet our new niece. She’s so precious!

My sister’s a very nervous new mama. I’ve been getting a lot of texts and FaceTime calls from her asking questions. I love it, though. She’s only about a 5 minute drive from my house, so it’s pretty great being this close. I’m feeling sleepy today, and I’m not the one had to go in and have the baby!

Adam’s back to work. Kids are back to school. It’s a chilly, cloudy day here. I’ve been struggling to get motivated to get much done. I’ve got the oven preheating, so I can bake some cookies. The kids will be getting home from school in about an hour. We haven’t brought them to see baby Pj, yet. I didn’t want to overwhelm my sister on her first evening home. I think I’ll bring them by there on Wednesday, as long as everybody’s feeling well. Otherwise, I don’t have much to talk about today.

I have so many special people in my life. I have so much to be grateful for. It frustrates me how shattered I can suddenly feel, out of nowhere, in the most random of moments. I was putting away my “Fall” themed kitchen towels, and getting out my Winter/Christmas ones. I came across this one towel, mixed in with all the others. It’s just a white tea towel. It has the words Mrs Claus written on it in silver, cursive letters. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at my mom’s house. She had just bought these towels. She gave me one. Just a couple of months before that, I had found a cute kitchen towel that I knew she would like. It had cats on it, I remember. She’d gotten wasted and been very hateful and said some cruel things to me, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her, yet. I was afraid to knock on her door, so I put it inside her mailbox, along with a little note. She’d been so fucked up on all the shit she was putting into her body, she didn’t even remember the way she’d hurt me. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t just come to her door. I made up an excuse, rather than confront her with the things she’d said and done. I told her we’d been sick, and I didn’t want to get her sick. I think that her giving me that stupid Mrs Claus towel, was her way of reciprocating the gesture I’d made, with the one I’d left in her mailbox.

I was in a good mood! I’d been excitedly putting the finishing touches on my Christmas decorations around the house. Preparing to decorate the tree, with my family. Then, I come across this mundane, unassuming towel, and I’m flooded with emotion. It hurts. It’s so hard. How can I find myself still missing my mother? I miss those times, when she made me feel loved. That stinking towel is just another random thing that brings me back to a feeling I miss more than words can describe here. I grieve the loss of someone I truly, never even had. I long for something my mother never could really give me. Unconditional love. The kind that I feel every time I think of my own children. The kind that I instantly felt for my new baby niece. It’s very hard not to listen to this little voice, inside of me, that whispers, “It’s your fault. You weren’t enough.” All the love I get from my husband, my children, my family, and my friends, it still cannot seem to fill the hole my mother’s absence has left inside of me. Knowing your mother doesn’t want you, unless it suits her. She attempts to worm her way back into my sister’s life, at this vulnerable time in her life. She’s just had her first baby. Of course she would wish her mother was here! Meanwhile, all our mother does is use her to hurt our dad, or me. She uses all of us. We’re disposable. Unless we allow her to use us like pawns in her “game”, we’re useless to her. So, I find myself sad, furious, lonely, and desperate to make it stop. I can only push it down for so long, and then, I do something like find a kitchen towel, and those emotions are all rushing back to the surface. Still, I can’t make myself get rid of things like the kitchen towel, because I know there won’t ever be another. I will never get, even the tiniest bit of assurance that my mother loves me, ever again. I don’t know how to proceed. Somehow, she still haunts me, especially when I’m truly happy. As if, I’m not allowed to feel that good. I don’t deserve it. That’s what that little voice whispers to me, anyway. It reminds me, too often, that the love of my most cherished people is not a guarantee. They too, might leave, if I don’t serve a purpose for them. I’m left desperately wanting to be needed, and never quite feeling I’m enough.

I know what a juxtaposition this must be from my last several blog posts! That’s the point. It’s such a shock to myself, too! Suddenly, I’m so incredibly sad, and it’s the last thing I expected.

I’m such a proud Auntie! My baby niece is beautiful. My sister did an amazing job, too. She showed strength like I’ve never seen from her before. Adam is a very proud uncle, as well. Every new picture my sister sends me, he wants to see it right away, too.

Another thing that I’m feeling real proud about, is myself. I haven’t done a thing to upset Adam in a good little while. While we were in the shower, last night, he asked me, “Have I told you enough how proud I am of you?” I shook my head and said, “Tell me again”. He took my face in his hands and told me how much he appreciates the efforts I’m making for him, and what a great job I’m doing. Then, he kissed me. Things as simple as that make me so happy!

My daughter’s best friend is staying the night here. We’re putting our tree up, later tonight. Adam and our son are working on the lights and decorations outside. The weather hasn’t been too bad. It’s been a perfect Thanksgiving weekend!

My baby niece, “PJ”, was born at 4:52pm today!! I’m so proud of my sister! It’s incredible watching her become a mama now, too. My heart is so full! It’s been a very long couple of days for her, but she did amazing and everyone is doing great.

We had a great Thanksgiving! My dad and his girlfriend came over. She brought her kids, who are such good kids. We also had a man who is a real refugee from Afghanistan. He was an incredibly sweet person. He’d never been to an American Thanksgiving dinner. I was so happy to be able to represent the spirit of Thanksgiving, and show him some kindness and fun. He had never thrown a football, until today! He didn’t know how a buffet dinner worked. It’s a powerful reminder to be grateful, thankful, this Thanksgiving, for the blessings I get to enjoy.

I’m exhausted now! It was a beautiful day, though.

Not my typical post, but I wanted to share something I’ve learned. I have a Ninja cooking system. There’s a steam button on it. I always used to struggle like hell to get the eggshells to peel off of hard boiled eggs nicely. I tried all the tricks I’d found, on how to boil them without having that problem. Nothing worked. Through trial and error, I’ve learned how to do them perfectly, every single time! The Ninja comes with a rack that fits inside it. You can just fill the bottom with a little water. It doesn’t even go up to the rack. Just enough for it to steam. Place the eggs on top of the rack, press the steam function, and set the timer for 30 minutes. Perfect hard boiled eggs! Just thought I’d throw that out into the universe, in case anyone else could use that information 😉