Jelly Roll released his newest single called “She”, today. That song is very personal for me.

I’m making some meatballs with green bean casserole and some mashed potatoes, to bring to my sister and her husband. I’m bringing my babies over to meet their new cousin, after school. I’m excited for them to meet Pj!

I have a few things that are bouncing around inside my head, today. Things I need to write about, but I’m not quite ready to do it. I’m ok, it’s just not the day for me to bring some things to the surface. I’m trying to be happy and smile and I’m afraid to talk (write) about it, would make that even harder to do. I’ll write more tomorrow.

❤️

A couple of weeks ago, we had to sign and mail in something that was needed by November 23. I put it in the envelope, put a stamp on it, and put it in our mailbox, with the flag up, to alert our mail carrier to take it. I told Adam I’d done all of that, and that was the end of it. Our mailbox is different than most. It has a lock, so we have to use our key to open it. It isn’t like the kind you’d find at an apartment complex, where there’s a whole bunch of different boxes all together. It’s just our mailbox. It has a door that the mail carrier opens, drops our mail into, and nobody can get into where the letters fall, without our key. I have to place things we’re mailing out sort of half in, half out of that door the mail carrier opens. I don’t grab our mail every single day. I usually do it every 2-3 days. So, a couple of days after I’d mailed the paperwork, I brought in the mail, and it was mixed in with our mail. I suspected the mail carrier either didn’t see it, or opened the door and it fell in with our regular mail. At that point, I’d done nothing wrong. Where I screwed up, is that I kept it from Adam. I actually put the envelope with the paperwork back behind some other papers and things I keep in a drawer. I fully intended to get it put back into the door, so the mail carrier would grab it, the next day. The reason I didn’t mention this to Adam, is because I didn’t want him to think that I might not have been honest about mailing it when I’d told him I had. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. I’d been getting myself into way too much trouble, and I just didn’t want to risk it.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I was cleaning some things up, and it dawned on me, I forgot about that paperwork! I hadn’t remembered to get it back into the mail. It was already too late to get it mailed yesterday, too. I was driving myself crazy with guilt and worry, but I decided not to say anything to Adam until he was home. He was super busy, yesterday. I didn’t want to make him grumpy at work. I didn’t want him to come in the door angry, when he got home. So, I waited until we were in the shower. Adam can always sense when something’s bothering me. He knew very quickly that there was something I needed to tell him. He hugged me close to him and told me to just tell him what’s going on. I started by insisting that what I’d done was absolutely not malicious. It truly was not something I meant to forget. I explained the whole situation to him. He wasn’t angry with me, but he was frustrated. He asked me why I would think he wouldn’t have trusted me, if I’d told him about it, in the first place? He told me he believed me now, even after I waited 2 weeks to tell him. He told me, I could’ve put it right on the kitchen counter, where we’d both have seen it, and been reminded to get it sent off. I didn’t argue with that, at all. It was very dumb to try to put it out of sight, because that’s why I forgot about it. It was selfish of me to keep this from Adam, in the first place, because he would’ve helped me remember. Shit like this is just sooo stupid! When I look back, I think to myself, what the hell was I thinking?? I get mad at myself, too! All I was thinking was, I didn’t want to give Adam any reason to be disappointed in me or to question whether I’d lied to him when I’d told him I’d gotten it sent in the mail. What I wound up doing, is disappointing him and making certain he might doubt me in the future, which just crushes me inside.

Adam did spank my butt a few times, there in the shower, but nowhere near as bad as I’d expected. I was and am feeling terrible, though! The papers got sent, today, even though they’re late. That turns out to not be the end of the world. I still feel really guilty, though.

Sometimes, (often times, if I’m honest) I can push Adam, when I’m feeling insecure. Like, when I get too much in my head about things with my mother. I find myself pushing against him, to make sure he won’t move. I made a very conscious decision to not allow myself to do that, after my upset the other day, when I was so sad about a kitchen towel I’d found from my mother. I didn’t get an attitude. I didn’t act like a brat or a bitch. I didn’t do something to irritate Adam on purpose. I held myself together. Still, I ended up having done something stupid, anyway. Ugh.

My main takeaway here, is to quit trying to shield Adam or myself from shit. I have got to stop deciding what Adam should or should not know about. Trying to hide things that might upset him, always results in a guarantee to upset him. He ends up feeling like I don’t trust him. That is a crappy thing to do to my husband. The person who loves and trusts me more than anyone in the world. I am much more angry with myself than Adam is at me!

Sent this in my family’s group text, today. My sister, Jackie, my dad, his girlfriend, my brother, his wife, and I have a group we text in like all day long. My Alexa show said this, earlier. No kidding? You don’t say?! I swear…🤦‍♀️

Between the time Adam and I left the house to go to my sister’s, last night, and the time we got back home, I had 62 messages in our group text! We definitely chat a lot. Like all day, everyday. I love it, though.

Just thought this one was funny. Have to laugh at the world today, otherwise it’ll make you depressed as hell!

My sister and her husband brought baby Pj home, yesterday! I made some soup for them. Adam and I brought it over and we got to meet our new niece. She’s so precious!

My sister’s a very nervous new mama. I’ve been getting a lot of texts and FaceTime calls from her asking questions. I love it, though. She’s only about a 5 minute drive from my house, so it’s pretty great being this close. I’m feeling sleepy today, and I’m not the one had to go in and have the baby!

Adam’s back to work. Kids are back to school. It’s a chilly, cloudy day here. I’ve been struggling to get motivated to get much done. I’ve got the oven preheating, so I can bake some cookies. The kids will be getting home from school in about an hour. We haven’t brought them to see baby Pj, yet. I didn’t want to overwhelm my sister on her first evening home. I think I’ll bring them by there on Wednesday, as long as everybody’s feeling well. Otherwise, I don’t have much to talk about today.

I have so many special people in my life. I have so much to be grateful for. It frustrates me how shattered I can suddenly feel, out of nowhere, in the most random of moments. I was putting away my “Fall” themed kitchen towels, and getting out my Winter/Christmas ones. I came across this one towel, mixed in with all the others. It’s just a white tea towel. It has the words Mrs Claus written on it in silver, cursive letters. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at my mom’s house. She had just bought these towels. She gave me one. Just a couple of months before that, I had found a cute kitchen towel that I knew she would like. It had cats on it, I remember. She’d gotten wasted and been very hateful and said some cruel things to me, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her, yet. I was afraid to knock on her door, so I put it inside her mailbox, along with a little note. She’d been so fucked up on all the shit she was putting into her body, she didn’t even remember the way she’d hurt me. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t just come to her door. I made up an excuse, rather than confront her with the things she’d said and done. I told her we’d been sick, and I didn’t want to get her sick. I think that her giving me that stupid Mrs Claus towel, was her way of reciprocating the gesture I’d made, with the one I’d left in her mailbox.

I was in a good mood! I’d been excitedly putting the finishing touches on my Christmas decorations around the house. Preparing to decorate the tree, with my family. Then, I come across this mundane, unassuming towel, and I’m flooded with emotion. It hurts. It’s so hard. How can I find myself still missing my mother? I miss those times, when she made me feel loved. That stinking towel is just another random thing that brings me back to a feeling I miss more than words can describe here. I grieve the loss of someone I truly, never even had. I long for something my mother never could really give me. Unconditional love. The kind that I feel every time I think of my own children. The kind that I instantly felt for my new baby niece. It’s very hard not to listen to this little voice, inside of me, that whispers, “It’s your fault. You weren’t enough.” All the love I get from my husband, my children, my family, and my friends, it still cannot seem to fill the hole my mother’s absence has left inside of me. Knowing your mother doesn’t want you, unless it suits her. She attempts to worm her way back into my sister’s life, at this vulnerable time in her life. She’s just had her first baby. Of course she would wish her mother was here! Meanwhile, all our mother does is use her to hurt our dad, or me. She uses all of us. We’re disposable. Unless we allow her to use us like pawns in her “game”, we’re useless to her. So, I find myself sad, furious, lonely, and desperate to make it stop. I can only push it down for so long, and then, I do something like find a kitchen towel, and those emotions are all rushing back to the surface. Still, I can’t make myself get rid of things like the kitchen towel, because I know there won’t ever be another. I will never get, even the tiniest bit of assurance that my mother loves me, ever again. I don’t know how to proceed. Somehow, she still haunts me, especially when I’m truly happy. As if, I’m not allowed to feel that good. I don’t deserve it. That’s what that little voice whispers to me, anyway. It reminds me, too often, that the love of my most cherished people is not a guarantee. They too, might leave, if I don’t serve a purpose for them. I’m left desperately wanting to be needed, and never quite feeling I’m enough.

I know what a juxtaposition this must be from my last several blog posts! That’s the point. It’s such a shock to myself, too! Suddenly, I’m so incredibly sad, and it’s the last thing I expected.

I’m such a proud Auntie! My baby niece is beautiful. My sister did an amazing job, too. She showed strength like I’ve never seen from her before. Adam is a very proud uncle, as well. Every new picture my sister sends me, he wants to see it right away, too.

Another thing that I’m feeling real proud about, is myself. I haven’t done a thing to upset Adam in a good little while. While we were in the shower, last night, he asked me, “Have I told you enough how proud I am of you?” I shook my head and said, “Tell me again”. He took my face in his hands and told me how much he appreciates the efforts I’m making for him, and what a great job I’m doing. Then, he kissed me. Things as simple as that make me so happy!

My daughter’s best friend is staying the night here. We’re putting our tree up, later tonight. Adam and our son are working on the lights and decorations outside. The weather hasn’t been too bad. It’s been a perfect Thanksgiving weekend!

My baby niece, “PJ”, was born at 4:52pm today!! I’m so proud of my sister! It’s incredible watching her become a mama now, too. My heart is so full! It’s been a very long couple of days for her, but she did amazing and everyone is doing great.

We had a great Thanksgiving! My dad and his girlfriend came over. She brought her kids, who are such good kids. We also had a man who is a real refugee from Afghanistan. He was an incredibly sweet person. He’d never been to an American Thanksgiving dinner. I was so happy to be able to represent the spirit of Thanksgiving, and show him some kindness and fun. He had never thrown a football, until today! He didn’t know how a buffet dinner worked. It’s a powerful reminder to be grateful, thankful, this Thanksgiving, for the blessings I get to enjoy.

I’m exhausted now! It was a beautiful day, though.

Not my typical post, but I wanted to share something I’ve learned. I have a Ninja cooking system. There’s a steam button on it. I always used to struggle like hell to get the eggshells to peel off of hard boiled eggs nicely. I tried all the tricks I’d found, on how to boil them without having that problem. Nothing worked. Through trial and error, I’ve learned how to do them perfectly, every single time! The Ninja comes with a rack that fits inside it. You can just fill the bottom with a little water. It doesn’t even go up to the rack. Just enough for it to steam. Place the eggs on top of the rack, press the steam function, and set the timer for 30 minutes. Perfect hard boiled eggs! Just thought I’d throw that out into the universe, in case anyone else could use that information 😉

There is a turkey…in my bathtub…as I write this. Adam has a turkey fryer that he is going to use to deep fry our Thanksgiving turkey, tomorrow. The turkey has to be completely thawed, or else things can go bad, real quick. The oil would splatter, possibly even explode. We don’t want that! So, there’s a turkey thawing in my bathtub.

When Adam and I were in the shower, last night, the topic of “earliest memories” came up. I started to tell him about, what I believe, is my earliest memory. It was my third birthday. My brother and I were playing, and I ran into the dining room. My mother was wrapping a present. It was one of those little magnetic chalkboard toys, with all the magnetic letters and shapes. It had a drawer in it, where the chalk and letters could be stored. It isn’t the gift that makes it such a significant memory, though. My mom was nice to me. I remember she talked to me in a sweet, gentle voice. She smiled. She wasn’t angry. That came as such a surprise to me, even at that age, it became a memory I held onto forever. Then, I casually started to talk to Adam about some other random childhood things. My dad wasn’t home as much, when I was little. I have no memories of ever having my mom take me to bed, tuck me in, kiss or hug me goodnight. I assume, she must’ve, when I was tiny? I just know that I didn’t grow up being told goodnight. I took myself to bed. My dad was always loving, affectionate, kind. I hadn’t ever stopped to wonder why that seemed to stop. As I talked about these things, with Adam, I realized, it was because it made my mother angry, when my dad showed me affection. I learned to avoid snuggling him. I would tense up and freeze, when he’d hug me or play with my hair. I’ve carried a lot of guilt about those things. I didn’t know why I’d shut him out the way I had, until it dawned on me, because I didn’t want to make my mother angry. I would see my sister sitting in his lap, riding with him to run errands, getting all the affection I refused from him. I’d feel sad and a little jealous, sometimes. I blamed myself, though. It wasn’t until I got older and moved out, my dad and I formed a relationship that was independent of my mother, and her watchful eyes.

I was processing all of this information, all of these thoughts and memories, while I talked to Adam. I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t crying. Truthfully, I was just “matter of fact”, about it all. I’ve never shared those things with Adam. Hell, I hadn’t even known some of it, until I took the time to consider it, last night. Adam got so quiet. He looked very sad, almost angry even. I stopped talking, then. We silently finished our shower. I turned the water off, and before I could step out, Adam pulled me into his arms. He told me “I will never be mean to you. I will always tell you goodnight.” He had the saddest look in his eyes. I’m not sure whether it’s a good idea to just toss out information like that again? I felt sorry that I’d upset Adam. I don’t know if I’m numb, over it, or maybe I pushed it back down into that deep place inside me where I usually store things like I told Adam? I don’t feel sad today, though. I’m good! I’m doing my best to make sure that Adam can see that.