I’m damaged goods, I’m complicated

I sure do know how to tell a lie

Some people say, “I ain’t worth savin'”
Sometimes I think they’re right

‘Cause someone else would’ve walked away
Someone else would’ve never stayed
Sure as hell, someone else would’ve left me
A long, long time ago

Someone else would’ve called my bluff
Saying, “I ain’t even worth their love”
No one else could’ve loved me like you do
Thank God, my someone’s you ❤️

~Aaron Lewis

I knew Adam was feeling sad, last night. This grandma he lost, yesterday, was someone he grew up very close to. I get it. It’s never easy to say “goodbye”. Even when it’s time, it’s painful. When he got home from work, he walked into the kitchen. I stopped what I was doing, walked to him, and hugged him tight. We stood there for awhile, arms wrapped around each other, swaying back and forth together. He stayed in the kitchen, and we just talked about a whole lot of nothing, while I finished cooking our supper. As much as my husband knows me, and works to give me what I need when I need it, I know him too. I can find strength, when he can’t. I find the best ways that I can, to help him through. If he needs to stand there, while we hold onto one another, I’ll stay as long as he needs it. If he needs comfort, I’m here. If he needs to hear some things that might be hard to hear, I’ll say them. We don’t always express our love in the same ways, but I think we give each other what we’re needing. I think we do a pretty good job of being the “someone” we each need. We get it wrong, once in awhile, but we get it right a whole lot more.

We had a good evening, despite the lingering sadness that hung in the air. We teased and laughed a lot, while we all sat at the table and ate our supper. It was one of those days we were reminded to enjoy our precious time, with precious people. That’s exactly what we did, too. Although hurt wasn’t fully healed, joy spoke louder.

It was a beautiful evening, outside. Adam helped me water the flowers, and I showed him all the work Jackie had helped me do. We set up the outdoor spaces up on the deck, and down on the patio. Then, we took our shower. We talked a bunch more. When we finished, it was time to tuck the kids into their beds. After, we brushed our teeth and got ready for bed. Our night ended with the most physically intimate way a couple can express love to one another. Although we do have sex most every night, there’s a different closeness that comes from every touch, sometimes. The way we look into each other’s eyes. The way we speak, move, breathe, and touch. I like a good old fashioned “fuck”, as much as anyone. “Making love” isn’t just another name for that, though. Both kinds of sex have their place and time, but they’re not the same.

Adam called me, this morning, just to chat. He doesn’t do that everyday. I thought that was sweet. As much as he is my “someone”, it means the world to me that, for him, I’m his “someone”.

Today, I got some housework done, and then my sister text me. She asked what I was doing, and wanted to come by. My sister and Pj came over, for awhile. I played with Pj, and talked to my sister. Then, Jackie came over. We scrubbed my outdoor rug clean, and hung it over the fence to dry. It looks real nice down on the patio, now!

I’m fixing cube steaks for supper, tonight. I’ve got them browning, on the stove, and then I’ll put them in a baking dish. I put brown gravy over them, and bake them until they’re tender. I love this supper!

The kids have 14 and 1/2 days left of school, before it’s summer break. We’re getting so close. I’m very ready and anxious, for it to be Summer time.

Adam’s grandma passed away, this afternoon. Although it’s hard to say goodbye, I know she lived a long and beautiful life. She was ready for this chapter to come to its close. So, while we will miss her here, we also celebrate her passing into Heaven. She’s most assuredly thrilled to see those people she’s missed, herself.

Time has a way of speeding up, the more time passes. The older I get, the quicker the years seem to go by. I do try hard to take in everything. To bask in the glory of every moment. Beautiful, sunny days, like today. Today, I got to see some of my favorite people. We shared a lot of laughs. We accomplished some tasks I’ve been wanting to get done. Supper is cooking. My kids are upstairs, playing with friends. Adam should be heading home soon. It’s one of those nothing particularly worth documenting, but nonetheless incredibly special to me, kinds of days. I’ve watched, from our downstairs patio, as the baby robin eggs have hatched, and they’ve grown in their feathers. Soon, their mama is going to push them from their comfy nest, so they can fly. They’ll go on, and begin their own journey. It’s the cycle of life, and I’m watching it. I see it in these little birds. I see it, when loved ones pass away. I see it, in my own children, as they’re growing and planning their futures. This is, after all, God’s design for us. We’re all writing our own pages, in this book called life. Make yours count. ❤️

These last weeks of school are always super busy. Award ceremonies, baseball games, field day, concerts, and end of year testing. This evening, Mj has a choir concert. Wyatt brought home information about a wrestling camp he wants to go to, this summer. It’s a 2 week long camp, like 700 miles away from here. I’m struggling with letting my boy leave for so long, so far from home. I’ve never spent more than a couple days without my kids. He really wants to go, though. It’s not easy letting them “spread their wings”, and begin to take trips from our “nest”.

Adam’s grandma is in her last days of life. We got the phone call that she’d been transferred to the hospital, on Saturday. Today, Adam’s mom told me his grandma is no longer responding to them. Although it’s incredibly difficult to say goodbye, she’s had a long and beautiful life. I’m so sure she’s excited to see her husband and son (Adam’s dad), again. Both life and death are challenges we all have to navigate. It seems, the older we get, the more often we’re faced with these harsh realities. I like to think of death as a new beginning. Not an end, but the start of something new and great. A day in Heaven is like 1000 years on earth, so none of us have to wait for long, to see our loved ones again. That has always comforted me.

When I was having issues with my period and my lady parts, Adam was concerned. He so fears cancer, in those he loves. He watched both his dad, and his best friend lose their battles with cancer, way before it should’ve been their time to leave us. I wasn’t really worried that anything like that was going on, with me. I was more afraid my body was beginning to go through menopause. Although I should be at least a decade from those changes beginning in me, it is possible. I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to stop being me. I have such a deep fear, that I could become my mother. I told Adam, I don’t ever want to not want to have sex with you! Symptoms of “the change”, include lower sex drive. Adam held my face in his hands, lifted me so that I was looking into his eyes, and assured me that he would never have sex again, as long as he had me here, with him. I don’t imagine I’ll ever forget that moment, with him, and how loved he made me feel. Mercifully, my hormones are all great, and I just need some extra vitamins. I should be back on track, very soon. No menopause. No cancer. Nothing to stress out about. Me and my people are all healthy and happy. Adam’s grandma is going through a natural part of life, death. I’m grateful she’s not in any pain, and she’s lived out such a full life. She’s surrounded by people who love her. She’s got prayers being poured out for her. I hope that is how my own story goes. Not anytime soon, but one day, when it’s that time in my life.

I’m going to embrace this chaos that is the end of the school year, and soak in all of the memories. I’m going to make a conscious effort to remember to enjoy all of it. To be grateful. To appreciate everyday that I get to spend with these people who make my life so beautifully blessed.

Saturday evening, and into the night, we had a blast. Justin and Jackie ate supper here, with the kids, Adam, and I. Then, the kids put on a movie, and we went downstairs. It had started raining, so we cleared a space in the basement, and brought our cornhole boards inside. I had just gotten new cornhole bags, and for some reason they are leaving this powdery stuff everywhere. The floor was covered in it. It was worth the annoying clean up, though. We had a lot of silly fun.

Sunday, we all went to church. It was beautiful out, when we went in. When we came out, an hour and a half later, temps had dropped by about 25 degrees. It was so chilly! A storm had blown in, bringing heavy rain and winds. By the time we got home (about a 10 minute drive), the sun was shining again, and air was warming back up. It was the strangest thing! After all that, we spent the rest of our Sunday being lazy, at home.

It’s been a busy Monday here, for me. These last weeks of school get super hectic. One of the kids seems to have something going on everyday. A friend of mine had tried to call me, while I was busy doing school activities. When I got home, I returned the phone call. That wound up being over 2 hours I spent, chatting with an old friend. I washed and hung out all our bedding. I brought it inside, and made the beds. I baked some cookies. Then, I made the meatloaf we’re having for supper. I’ve got that in the oven, along with green bean casserole. I’m fixing mashed potatoes, too. Adam’s on his way home. Wyatt’s outside cutting the grass. Mj is pulling weeds from out front of the house. It’s just another day in my paradise. ❤️

I had my appointment, with the OBGYN doc, yesterday. She was awesome. She had my blood drawn, and tested for a bunch of things. I already got results, today. My lady hormones are perfect. My iron was also perfect, which is amazing! I’m not even a little bit anemic. Everything, except my vitamin D levels, was great. My vitamin D was scarily low. I haven’t felt bad, though! Apparently, this can cause period problems. Also, I have an autoimmune disease that makes it harder for my body to absorb nutrients from foods. I just have to take a high dose vitamin D pill, and should get back to good. I was very happy to know what’s going on.

Jackie and I went shopping around, today. I found some cute things, for around the house. I wanted some gerber daisies, for my deck. I found those, and some. We had a fun afternoon!

I’m making beef and noodles, for supper. Then, Justin and Jackie are coming over. We talked about playing cornhole, or maybe ping pong. We’re going to do something fun, anyhow!

That about catches up on all the excitement, here in my world.

I was thinking about this Bud Light controversy. When they decided to sponsor Dylan Mulvaney, of all people, I did take issue with it. Not because Dylan is “trans”. Truthfully, I couldn’t care less about that part. They could’ve put a whole host of other trans people on a can, and it wouldn’t have bothered me a bit. Caitlyn Jenner. Blaire White. Buck Angel! I could roll with any of them, and plenty of other trans folks. The thing is, being a woman isn’t just about what you put on. Many trans women have a deep appreciation for what it is to be a woman. Dylan, on the other hand, literally seems to just want to wear “woman face”. It’s not a costume to put on. The very first video of “days of girlhood” Dylan made, was insulting. Dylan claimed, “First day of being a girl, and I already cried 3 times, for no reason. Told someone I was fine when I wasn’t. And, purchased unnecessary items.” Shortly after, Dylan made a ridiculous video in the woods, “hiking” around in high heels. Appeared to see a “bug”, and proceeded to freak out, scream like a 5 year old, and fell over. Another insult, as far as I was concerned. The final straw, was when Dylan began to publicly advocate for medically and surgically “transitioning” children. There’s a reason kids aren’t allowed to sign a contract. Hell, they can’t even watch a PG movie at school, without a parent’s permission. Child molestation, and statutory rape are crimes, because children cannot consent to sex. They lack the foresight adults gain, through age and time. Their brains are literally not even fully developed yet. Their bodies aren’t, either. I sincerely believe that giving children drugs that alter their bodies, and especially permanent surgeries to do so, is outright evil. What an adult decides to do with their own body is their own choice to make. I’m not ever going to spread any kind of animosity or hate for them. In fact, that’s my whole philosophy…live and let live. I’ll not be convinced that children can grasp the realities of these mind and body altering things we’re experimenting on our bodies with. I have my own babies, who I love more than life itself. That love will never ever change, when they grow up and show me who they are. Regardless of what that looks like. They will get to grow up, though. They will be encouraged, supported, and most assuredly loved, as they develop. They will be given many opportunities. One thing I will not do to them, is change them in any way that can’t be reversed. If they want to color their hair, or cut it, or grow it out, that’s fine. They may wear the things they like to. They can play the games they enjoy. They will be allowed to figure out just who they are, without fear of losing my affection for them.

I am not hateful. I don’t consider myself to be particularly judgmental. We are all allowed to make up our own minds and form opinions. I will always advocate for children. I’m unashamed of my desire to protect them from something that I believe to be absolutely wrong. It’s an adult’s right to decide what’s right, for themselves. A child simply cannot understand the gravity of adult decisions. Anyway, that’s where I stand. And, this is why I do. I come from a place of love and concern. My thoughts aren’t formed from hate or malice. I genuinely believe what I’m saying, to my very core.

On another note, I started my period. This morning, I was very relieved to discover my body had resumed its normal functioning. I am going to an appointment with my OBGYN, on Thursday. Jackie’s even coming with me. Just wanting to make sure everything is good. So, now my family and friends will be able to rest easy, knowing I’m taking the steps to assure everyone that I’m alright. 😊

Yesterday, I decided to take all of our air vents, from around the house, and wash them. I scrubbed them, and even got the return air vent looking like brand new. I’ve tried, several times, with no success. This time, I brought everything out on the deck. I had hot, soapy water, a bottle brush, a nipple brush, and some Gain “power blast” spray. All of that, mixed with a lot of “elbow grease”, got everything cleaned up great! It’s been sunny and beautiful weather, so I’ve been in the mood to find things to deep clean, around the house. I cleaned both our kitchen fridge, and the garage one, inside and out. I had planned to wash the outsides of my washer and dryer, today, but I didn’t wind up getting to it. Maybe tomorrow? I’m fixing to brown some ground beef, and mix in taco seasoning. I’m making fiastadas for supper, tonight. I’m pretty sure I’ve already shared that recipe? Growing up, our school made them for lunch, sometimes. I got my fiastada recipe, and sloppy joe, from the same lady who made them for our lunches.

Justin and Jackie are going to come by here, in a little while. We’re just planning to sit outside, enjoy the weather, and chat about nothing and everything. Jackie and I are also going shopping, this Friday. I want some gerber daisies, for my deck. I’m also hoping to find some summery decor, to put on my fireplace mantle. It’s getting to be time to take the Easter stuff and put it away, til next year. Woohoo, though! Inching closer and closer to summertime! And, that’s about everything I have, for today. Adam’s been kinda treating me like I’m “fragile”, recently. I haven’t done anything to upset him, but he also isn’t teasing me as much as he normally does. When I text him, this morning, I asked him “guess what?”

I’m anxious to get myself back to normal. Whatever that is! 😆

I’m sorry I haven’t updated here. It’s been a busy couple of days. Also, I was not feeling very good, yesterday. I text Jackie, Saturday night. I’d told her I was fixing to take a darned pregnancy test.

Jackie got here right as my delivery driver was bringing me one of those magic sticks to pee on, so I could figure out whether I’d be able to actually drink the beer I’d opened, or not. Y’all, I’ve never taken a negative pregnancy test. Every time I did, I was pretty sure I was pregnant. This amped up my anxiety about whether I’d see one line, or two. Jackie came into my bathroom with me, and read the instructions, while I did my part of the test taking. I put the cap on the little stick, sat it on a paper towel, right on the bathroom counter, and we waited.

I’m not going to lie, I was seriously relieved to see the result. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I’m scared to have another baby. I almost died, having Mj. I hemorrhaged, passed out, and woke up with a team of doctors and nurses working over me. I lost my first baby boy, in my second trimester. My next was born over 2 months early. My last, I had to go in and get shots in my hip, every single week, to help me keep her in longer. I still wound up spending 5 months on bed rest, and half a dozen trips to the hospital, because I’d started having contractions. Don’t get me wrong, my babies are WORTH IT! If I found out another one was coming, I would immediately love him or her, too. It’s just, I have taken several steps to ensure that another baby doesn’t happen. The only thing I was sorry about, was Jackie’s disappointment. Also, Adam had seemed to be expecting a positive result. I’m not sure whether he was being encouraging, and sounding like he might be pretty okay with it, because he wanted to comfort me? Or, was he disappointed, when my test wasn’t positive?

My relief lasted a whole day. Yesterday, I felt “off”. Bloated, moody, and my boobs ached bad enough, it had kept me up during the night before. Wyatt had a baseball game, and I was scheduled to work in the concession stand. I sucked it up, put on a smile, and went to his game. Adam came, after he’d gotten off from work, to relieve my concession duties. Mj and I went home, and made supper. I just heated up some frozen pizzas. It was almost 9:00pm, by the time Adam and Wyatt got home. Adam knew I was feeling crummy. He held me, and rubbed my back, in the shower. When we got in bed, he pulled me over, on top of him, and softly ran his fingertips up and down my back. I couldn’t stay like that for as long as I’d have liked to. My dang boobs are sore. That’s when Adam realized they were bothering me. He told me he wants me to go see the doctor.

This morning, I felt crappy enough that I’d fully intended to call and make an appointment. After I’d been up a few hours, I’d started feeling better. The only thing is, I’m still a little crampy. Also, my boobs still hurt, but I don’t think it’s as bad as the last couple days. I don’t feel tired and miserable, though, like I did yesterday. I suspect it’s just a weird month, and my period will come any day. I have one more pregnancy test. If I haven’t gotten my period, by Friday morning, I’m going to take it. Then, providing the test is negative, I’ll go see the doc if I don’t get my period by the time the next one is due. It’s TMI, but I am incredibly “regular”. I’ve kept track on my health app, since 2014. 24-26 days between periods, like clockwork, always. I did have some weird “spotting” for a couple days, about a week and a half after my last period, though. I honestly attributed that to the vigorous sex Adam and I’d had, the night before it began. It wasn’t anything like a typical period is, so I was sure that was the cause? Maybe that’s why I’m late? Maybe it wasn’t caused by what I’d thought it was, and my body is just out of whack, all the sudden? I’ve also had no problems providing natural lubrication, in the bedroom. Vaginal dryness is a sign you’re starting to run low on eggs, and beginning menopause. My sex drive is 100% in tact. I’ve never had a “hot flash” before. On the contrary, I’m cold until it’s at least 75 degrees. So, who knows what’s goin on with me??

I’m definitely not pregnant, for now.

I haven’t mentioned it here, but I’ve been slightly concerned. My period is more than a week late. I feel like I’ve been PMS’ing. I know I’ve been hormonal as hell. I’ve even been a little crampy. Still, not even a hint of the period I was expecting to arrive. I’m just past my “mid 30’s”, now. I’m too young for menopause. I’m also not exactly prepared to be pregnant, again. My period is always like clockwork, though. I’ve kept track, through an app on my phone, for years. This is the first time it’s been off. I haven’t taken any pregnancy tests. Adam is aware, because he knows my cycle, probably better than I do. Still, I’m convinced it’s got to be a weird month. Maybe I’m messed up because of Jackie and my sister? I should probably go ahead and schedule a doctors visit. I guess I’m in denial, right now. Neither of the options explaining my period’s absence are particularly appealing, to me. All I know, is this is not at all “normal” for me.

Justin and Jackie came over. We played cornhole, out back. Jackie and I won, of course. I found a bird nest, up under our deck, that had baby birds in it.

It’s barely 7:00pm, and I’m exhausted. Yet another reason I’m concerned. This is certainly not like me. I’m absolutely convinced this is just a weird hormonal thing. There’s no way I could be pregnant. No freaking way…

And I’mma live it up for the weekend
Pour it up, have the time of your life
Take a shot for the regrets
Double up and it’s bound to get buck wild
Hey ladies, let your hair down
We know ain’t nobody scared now, hell nah
Just do your thing like it’s spring break
Wake and bake and we’re at it again
We live it up for the weekend

~Brantley Gilbert

We played games downstairs, with the kids. After they went upstairs, Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I played ping pong awhile. Then, we went up and played a card game. Adam and Wyatt are outside cutting the grass. I ran a couple errands, and now waiting for Justin and Jackie to get here. We’re going to sit outside, hang out, play cornhole, and then find some mischief (as usual).

I also got my dining chairs recovered. I didn’t remember to take before photos, but here’s the after.

Also, my baby niece, Pj, is getting SO big!! She’s starting to sit herself up.

I don’t have much else to write about. Thought I’d share some pictures to speak words for me 😊