Lights go down, wheels go around
I’m taking you home
Hoping for a slow song to come on the radio now
I’m not ready to shut it down
The way the dashboard glow
Is hitting your eyes making me lose everything on my mind
And the only thing I wanna do is find a spot
Stop this car and throw it in park and get just…

Slow dance with you
Spinning you around by the Walmart sign
And moving our feet over the painted white lines
Getting close to you
Making the most of whatever we got
Even if it’s just a slow dance in a parking lot

~Jordan Davis

Adam loves this song. If it comes on, and we’re in the car, he always reaches for my hand. If it plays, while I’m in the kitchen, he comes in and dances with me. It’s not that I don’t like this song. I do! I just think it’s sweet that Adam thinks of me, when it comes on. It’s an indescribably amazing thing, having someone who loves me the way Adam does.

We didn’t do much, yesterday. Adam took Oliver for a walk. Mj’s friend was still here, so the kids played outside. The weather here has been great. I can leave bedroom windows open, all night long, and it feels so good. I washed all the bedding, today, and hung it out to dry. I vacuumed, swept, and mopped all the floors. There’s something about having fresh air and sunshine pouring in, that just makes me happy. I bought a plug in air freshener refill. It’s “vanilla lavender”. Ohhh my goshhh, it made my whole house smell amazing! I’ve got some cucumbers soaking in vinegar water, and onion, in the fridge. So, it also smells great, when I open our fridge. I’m fixing my cheeseburger macaroni recipe for supper, tonight. We’ll have sliced cucumber, and I’ve got corn on the cob.

I finally replaced my measuring cups. The ones I’d had, I’ve had for several years. They’re so worn, we can’t read them anymore. I ordered new ones on Amazon. They just arrived. The measurements are engraved into the handles, so we won’t wear them off like my old ones. I also got some material for our dining room chair seats. They’re in desperate need of a facelift. I’m excited for it to get here, and recover my chairs. I’ll take before and after photos, when I do them.

And that’s pretty much all the excitement at my house, today! Been a quiet, peaceful kind of Monday. My behind still hurts, from Saturday night. I’m not trying to find anymore trouble.

~Florida Georgia Line

Mj’s best friend is here, for the weekend. Wyatt has no baseball practice, or games, all weekend. It stormed pretty bad, last night, but we didn’t end up with any serious weather. I know some surrounding areas had large tornados, though! It’s windy as heck, today. It’s warm and sunny, at least. We’re going to Justin and Jackie’s, as soon as Adam gets home from work.

Today, I spent way more time on my hair, makeup, and nails, than I typically do. I just felt like doing my best to make Adam feel “wow”, when he gets home. I’m pretty good at using makeup. I don’t use most of my stuff, most days, because my skin needs to breathe. It’s fun to do sometimes, though. I painted my toenails a summery coral color. I wanted to do my fingernails in white, but I discovered I need to buy new white nail polish. So, I left them clear. I put on some high waisted jeans, and a lilac colored, cropped t-shirt. My eyes are a hazel green color, but certain colors, and the lighting, can make them look brown. Adam, our kids, my dad, my brother, and sister all have blue eyes. I used to hate my eye color, but I’m fine with it now. Jackie has the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re stunning!

I had a sick feeling in my stomach, yesterday evening. We’re fixing to spend an obscene amount of money on something. It’s not really that much, but I’m a worrier. I started to look through my bank and bill book, and did a bunch of math. I didn’t feel comfortable with the way the numbers kept crunching. I didn’t want to have to tell Adam this. He was in such a great mood. I hadn’t decided whether I was going to bring it up, or not. When we got in the shower, he could tell something wasn’t quite right. I had to tell him. After all the worrying I’ve done, for weeks now, about how to make this happen, and the other things we’ve got planned, Adam completely reassured me. I had forgotten all about money we had somewhere else. I’m generally the one who pays bills, moves money around between accounts, and all that stuff. Adam had something he’s been working on, for awhile now. I hadn’t thought to figure that into my equations. Now, I feel SO much better! Adam told me I should’ve mentioned my concerns, sooner. He hates when I worry about things like that. For me, I feel guilty, if I bring it up to him. He works so hard, and he is an amazing provider. I never like to tell him “I’m worried it’s not enough.” That feels shitty. He insists it’s his job, to do that kind of worrying. He’s not irresponsible. He almost never spends money on himself. I’m just wired in such a way, I overthink every single big purchase. I consider every possible “what if”. Anyway, I feel great now, and Adam was incredibly reassuring and understanding. I truly am so blessed. I would likely be a total mess of stress, if it wasn’t for my husband!

I have spent too much of my day on myself! I really need to get the kitchen cleaned up, and fold some laundry. Adam should be home soon, and then we’ll head to Justin and Jackie’s, as soon as he gets ready. I’m in a great mood. There will certainly be alcohol served, this evening. I’m planning to have fun, and avoid any eye rolls, middle fingers, or disrespectful comments directed toward Adam. Yep. It’s gonna be a good night 😊

We had some storms here, earlier. The lightning was so close, then the thunder was super loud. Oliver went into his kennel. That’s his “safe place”. He sleeps in it, at night. I trained him, from a little puppy, to be comfy in his kennel. He easily goes inside, if I tell him to, but I rarely ever tell him to. He takes himself to bed, when he’s tired.

I was sending pictures of our living room, to a friend. I’m trying to come up with ideas for the walls. I’d like to paint that wall, where the big window is. Make it an accent wall. I’m thinking of a mustard yellow kind of color. I also have some other things I’d like to change. I hate our ceiling fan, in there. I’d like to stain our stair railing and fireplace mantle darker, too. Diesel kept photo bombing my pictures, though 😆

Last night, Adam and I were talking, in the shower. I had questioned whether he seriously gets that upset when I roll my eyes, or flip him off. He said “YES”. Then, he asked me, wouldn’t I be upset if he did that to me? I told him, not if we’re playing around. It would depend. He insisted, it’s disrespectful, no matter what the situation. I disagreed. Adam decided he was going to have to do a better job of letting me know he means it, about not doing those things to him. Again, I didn’t agree with that plan. I guess we’ll see…I didn’t test those waters, last night.

Adam was kind of sweet, while we were getting ready for bed. We were talking about how his brother’s house had been a total bachelor pad, until recently. His brother’s girlfriend has started turning that house into a home. I asked Adam if he actually notices, or cares all that much, about how I decorate and arrange our house? I truly wondered if that mattered to him, because that’s something I enjoy so much. I pay attention to the details. I will have a vision, for something, and get excited about making it happen. Adam never complains about how I do things here. He’s never gotten angry, when I’ve decided to change something. He told me he loves the way I set our home up, and he loves seeing me be so excited and happy about ideas I come up with. I said, “That’s where I wind up spending your money, Adam. On things for our house. Things I wasn’t even sure you particularly cared about!” He told me, “OUR money. And I love it.” I think I’m pretty lucky to have this husband, who works hard to provide for our family, and never complains when I want to buy a new ceiling fan, or Easter decorations. Or, pretty much whatever new thing I come up with. Which happens regularly. He is absolutely not one bit controlling. He has expectations, and boundaries. So do I. He’s never cruel, though. We’ve learned and grown, a lot. I’m sure there’s still a lot of things we have to learn. I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate how awesome my husband really is, to me. He’s an incredibly kind, caring, generous, loving, gentle, and strong man. He’s my rock. He’s my favorite person. I’m grateful that I get to say he’s all mine!

I was a little grouchy, last night. Adam was teasing me, as we got ready to take our shower. He said something silly, to me. I rolled my eyes. He smacked my butt. I was leaning into the shower, adjusting the water temperature. I flipped him off, with both hands, from inside the shower. He was in our closet. I had no idea he could still see me. The way our bathroom is set up, the closet is in it, with its own door leading into it. There’s also a big mirror, above our sinks, across from the shower. Apparently, he’d seen me, in the mirror. He came over to me, spun me so I was facing him, leaned over my shoulder, and spanked me a few times. I dropped my attitude, after that. He’d had a long day, and he was just trying to cheer me up. I was just in a mood, and took it out on him. Well, until I couldn’t. He’s always here, if I need a hug, or to talk. Sometimes I even tell him, I don’t want to talk right now, just give me a little time. He always respects that, too. He’s not allowing me to give him my bitchy attitude, though. Like, at all!

By the time we climbed into bed, I was feeling much better. I began to run my fingers down his chest, past his waistband. He rolled over, on top of me, and started kissing me. Our clothes came off, and he was just about to find his way inside of me, when our bedroom door opened. We hadn’t locked it. Our daughter’s voice spoke to us. She was asking if I had any cough drops. Her throat hurt. Mercifully, we were still covered with our blankets. I sent her into the kitchen, to look in a cupboard that I knew they wouldn’t be in. That bought me time to put my robe on, and get some from the linen closet, where I actually keep them. I got her back to her bed, and rejoined Adam in our bed. We laughed about it all. We also finished what we’d started.

I’m slow cooking a beef chuck roast, with carrots, for supper. I’d forgotten to put it in my crockpot, until almost noon. I turned my slow cooker onto high, for 4 hours. I’ll turn it onto low, for the last 2-3 hours, before we’re ready to eat. I’m going to put some potatoes in the oven, so we can have baked potatoes with. It’s a beautiful day. 70’s and lots of sunshine. Oliver is feeling all better, since his little surgery. Mj and I are going to take him for a walk, when she gets home from school. Wyatt has baseball practice, this afternoon.

Tomorrow evening, Adam and Justin are going to go buy a brisket. Justin is getting a new smoker. They’re going to make that, for Saturday evening. We’re going to go over to their place. It looks like we should have another beautiful weekend. The weather is definitely starting to be more consistently cooperative with our desire to be outdoors.

I think I’ll go ahead and bake the last of my chocolate chip cookie dough. I’ll have some cookies ready, for Adam and the kids. I’ve got about half an hour until Mj gets home.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I’m not who I was

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I’m not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I’m not who I was

You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend it was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it’s a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I’m not who I was

I write about love and such
Maybe ’cause I want it so much
I’m not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know that I am not the same
But I never did forget your name, hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace is the chance to give it out
Maybe that’s what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I’m not who I was

~Brandon Heath

I was doing my morning routine. Walking around our house, tidying up, and fixing anything that’s out of place. I made the bed. Arranged the throw pillows on our couch. I folded a blanket the kids had left in the living room, last night, and put it away. They used to make “forts”, out of blankets. It’s been awhile, since they’ve done that. I began to imagine showing my mother who I am now. To show her my style. The way I decorated our new home. How my kids have grown. Their bedrooms are full of their own personal touches. Wyatt’s a little baseball star. He was on the wrestling team, this year. He’s grown, probably a foot, since she last saw him. Mj is a beautiful little girl. The last time my mother knew her, she was very into her dollhouse, and Barbie dolls. Mj insists on keeping the Barbie car my mother gave her. It was her birthday, three and a half years ago. My mother had come to our home, just days earlier. She was high, drunk, or likely both. She’d beat on windows, torn my flowers from their planters. She screamed how she was going to kill everyone inside. Then, she pulled into our driveway, on Mj’s birthday, and the kids were outside playing. Mj screamed, and ran into the house. She sobbed. We went outside, after my mother had gone. She’d thrown a birthday gift into our yard. It was Mj’s little Barbie car. I understand why it’s special to my sweet girl. Anything that makes you feel like my mother might’ve had some love for you, becomes precious. The memory of that day, when she came over with a present, is much harder for me, than most of the ones when she did cruel things. I feel guilty, even though we had such good reason to refuse to go out to her. Somewhere inside her, had she found a moment of clarity, and really just wanted to give my daughter that gift? Mj likes baby Yoda, (Grogu), now. She draws little cartoons. She started wearing a training bra, just recently. They’ve grown, so much. So have I. I’m not who I was. I’m stronger. I’m braver. I’m so much happier. My mother doesn’t know me, or my babies, anymore. I wish it wasn’t how it is, but I can’t make someone be somebody else. I’ve accepted this. Still, I feel a little nostalgic for something I haven’t even experienced. Like showing my mother around my new home.

I didn’t address the horrific Nashville news, from yesterday. We didn’t know anyone who attended the elementary school, where the shooting took place. My dad’s girlfriend has a good friend, who teaches there. She is ok, physically. Any loss of life is tragic. I can’t imagine what the families are going through. My heart breaks for them. I do have to say, I’m proud of our law enforcement officers, for reacting swiftly. While I’m saddened that any innocent lives were lost, I have to give credit to the men and women who eliminated the threat, without hesitation. We are all Nashville strong. Tennessee has made increasing efforts to prevent things like what happened. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world. We can’t predict, or prevent all the people who desire to cause harm. Every man, woman, and child who was thrust into yesterday’s horror will suffer trauma. It isn’t fair. There’s no sense to be made of it all. I’m praying for all of the families. I’m also hugging my own babies, just a little bit tighter.

Beyond the door, there’s peace I’m sure. And, I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven…Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven? Would you be the same, if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong, and carry on, ‘cause I know I don’t belong, here in heaven.

~Eric Clapton

Lie number one you’re supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you’re doing
Just smile and tell them, “Never better”

Lie number 2 everybody’s life is perfect, except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told
The truth is rarely told, now

I say I’m fine, yeah I’m fine oh I’m fine, hey I’m fine but I’m not
I’m broken
And when it’s out of control I say it’s under control but it’s not
And you know it
I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There’s no failure, no fall
There’s no sin you don’t already know
So let the truth be told

~Matthew West

We went to Poppy’s house, last night. My sister, Jackie, and me. He was so cute. I tried to help him peel the potatoes. He told me to sit down, relax, and let him serve us. He plated all our food, and brought it to us. He buttered our corn on the cob, put salt and pepper on our potatoes. He even cut our grilled chicken into slices. My dad is just the sweetest human. We sat out on his porch, talked, and laughed. It was a great evening.

I’ve known, for a few months, that my sister has let our mother back into her life. I know she visited our mother, back in December. I know that they are “friends”, on social media. Just because I don’t use Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, doesn’t mean I don’t have friends who do. They have asked me about some things they’ve seen. Our mother has sent some hateful messages, to our dad, too. She likes to do her best to hurt us, by throwing in our face, that she has my sister back under her “spell”. Although my sister knows what our mother has done, while we’ve been adults, she has no idea the extent of her cruelty. My sister had a very different childhood, from my brother and I. Our mother always treated my sister better. My sister never was hit. She was always allowed to receive affection from our dad, and our mother gave it freely to her, as well. I begged to get my belly button pierced, when I was 15 years old. My mother wouldn’t allow it. When my sister turned 15, our mother took her to get her belly button pierced. That seems like a small thing, but it’s one example of many times she sent the clear message to me, I love your sister more, and I enjoy hurting you. She never supported me when I did cheer, or ran track, or played volleyball. She didn’t wear the pins the school gave parents, with my sports pictures on them. She wasn’t there, when I received academic awards. Not once, did she tell me I did a good job. She never missed my sister’s things. My brother was treated worse than I was. Our dad was the only person who gave us unconditional love. He just wasn’t home, to see our life very often, when we were kids.

I’ve never blamed my sister, for her childhood. I’ve never been angry with her, about the things I didn’t get from our mother. She doesn’t even know so much of these things that my brother and I do. I’m worried, for her. I’m afraid she’s going to get hurt. I’m sure of it, actually. I can’t tell her what to do, though. I can’t describe how uncomfortable it makes me, knowing our mother will be so near, this coming weekend. I’m terrified she’ll show up, at my door. I will have to make certain all doors and windows are locked. I will have to keep a very watchful eye on my children. It’s a stress I didn’t imagine myself having to experience again.

I wish my mother dead. I’m aware of how awful, and unchristian that makes me. It’s the truth, anyway. My ultimate wish, would be for her to be truly sorry, and to be the mother I’ve dreamt she could be. But, that’s not ever going to happen. I understand this, all too well. My only other hope, could be that she didn’t exist. That way, she couldn’t hurt us anymore. She wouldn’t be able to use my sister. My baby niece wouldn’t have to know a “grandma” who’s incapable of ever truly loving her. I’m not sure I can describe the way I feel. It isn’t anger. It’s not hate. I wouldn’t call it sadness, exactly. I want nothing from my mother. I want to enjoy the people who matter. I want to trust that those who care about me today, will care tomorrow. I want to feel safe.