Saturday, we had a blast. Jackie and Justin played cornhole, with Adam and I. Jackie and I are always on the same team. The guys grilled burgers. After supper, we sat outside, and lit the fire pit.

Yesterday, we babysit Pj. My sister and her husband went to see the new “John Wick” movie. Adam and Wyatt cut the grass, trimmed all the edges of the yard, and used the leaf blower to clean off the driveway and sidewalk. It looks great!

My dad had been asking for Jackie, my sister, and I to find an evening we could come over to his house, for supper. We’re doing that tonight. I’ve got rotel dip and chips, for Adam and the kids to eat, tonight. I cooked a pound of ground beef, added the taco seasoning, and then 3 cans of rotel diced tomatoes and green chilis. I cut up some Velveeta cheese, and added that into my dip, in the crockpot. I’ll leave it on “keep warm”, so it’s ready for them to eat later on. I also invited Justin and my sister’s husband, to come eat with Adam and the kids.

It’s another sunny and beautiful day. We’ve had some gorgeous Spring weather, the last few days! I’ve got something that’s happening, in the background of my life. I’m just not ready to face it, yet. I’m going to have no choice, in a few days. I will probably end up letting it all out in my writing, tomorrow. All I want to do is enjoy this day, and all the other amazing ones we’ve had. It’s hard to let my brain wander into territory that shakes up my joy. Sometimes, I wish I could escape to somewhere the bad stuff couldn’t find me. As much as I’m trying to put on my happy face, the cracks are beginning to show. My people are noticing. I’m pissed off. I’m hurt, and I’m confused. How could she let this happen? And why the fuck hasn’t SHE been warning me? My sister has been speaking to our mother. Our mother is flying here, to where we live, this coming weekend. I did not learn this from my sister. I’ve known a lot more than she knows I do, because I have people too. I’ve avoided the subject, for the most part. The couple times I’ve brought up our mother, my sister has completely denied all of the things I know are true already. I love my baby sister. I love my sweet niece, Pj. I also feel a whole lot of things at once, knowing what’s happening, behind my back. I’ll get into it, later. Not today. I need to fix my smile on, and let it go for one more day. I can’t do it today.

It’s gorgeous here, today! Sunny, and right around 70 degrees. Perfect jeans and t-shirt weather. Adam went into work. I broke down, and went to T-Mobile and got my kids iPhones. I wouldn’t let them have “smart” phones, until now. They’ve been begging Adam and I, for awhile now. We get the typical. “All my friends have one”, argument. I have a couple of very happy kiddos, now.

I made 17 hamburger patties, for Adam to grill us tonight. I’ve got a package of hotdogs (Mj won’t eat burgers), and some brats. Im making some pasta salad, and have some chips we can eat. Jackie and Justin are coming over soon. Adam just walked in the door. He came into the kitchen, like always, and he kissed me “hello”. He told me I look really pretty. My heart still flutters, when he says things like that to me. ❤️

Oliver is supposed to be taking it easy, but he’s back to my energetic, ornery dog, now. I’m struggling to keep him calm. He just wants to run and jump and play, like usual. I’m very glad he’s healing so well, though! Yesterday, he would not leave Mj’s side. When she came home, from school, he insisted on touching her at all times. It was sweet.

They normally play “hide and seek”, or jump on the trampoline, after school. Mj always says that Oliver is her best friend. Diesel, my old man dog, is a bit of a grouch. He loves me. He obeys me amazingly. He just doesn’t much care for very many other people. Oliver loves every living being! He especially loves the kids, though.

I don’t have much else to write about, today! Well, there is something that’s been brewing, but I’m not in the mood to address it, today. That’s usually how I do things. I push them down, as long and as hard as I can, until they spill over, and I’m forced to acknowledge an issue. It’s nothing I’ve done. It has to do with my mother, and my sister. I just don’t feel like talking about it, yet. Instead, I’m going to enjoy this perfect day, with my beautiful family. I hope all y’all are having as wonderful a Saturday as I am!

That’s the title of the opening song, for Son’s of Anarchy. I have all the “songs of anarchy”, in a playlist, on my iTunes. They had some great music, on that show.

I ordered our groceries, for the next week, yesterday. I’m sitting in the waiting area, waiting for someone to bring them to me. It’s absolutely pouring rain. I’m regretting choosing to pick them up, rather than delivered to my door. I had planned to be running some other errands, so thought I’d save a couple bucks, and just pick it up. Now I’m going to have to carry all these groceries inside, when I get back home. I only did one other errand, because I had to. I’m putting my other plans on hold. I’m already soaking wet, just from getting in and out of my car. It’s warm, and very humid out. I’m glad it’s not cold, but I’m tired of clouds and rain.

I can still smell Adam’s deodorant and cologne, on my neck and shoulder. I slept on his chest, with his arm around me. I can also feel last night’s activities. For our first time having sex, in too many days, we weren’t particularly gentle. I really missed my husband. I love his smell. Running my hands up and down his body, and feeling the “V” shape it makes, from his hips up to his broad shoulders. His hands are rough. Such a contradiction, as he rubs them against my soft skin. I like to put my fingers through his hair, and pull it, just a little bit. When we were finished, I curled up next to him, and twirled my fingers through his chest hair. He has a perfect little tuft of it, right in the center of his chest. It’s just enough for me to play with, before I fall asleep. Adam softly caresses my arm.

We talked about going out to eat, this weekend, to celebrate our anniversary. I would rather grill something at home, with him. We can work on the bonus room area. Maybe do some flower shopping, and start making our outside areas look pretty again. It’s supposed to be sunny and warm, all weekend. Justin and Jackie should come over and play cornhole with us, Sunday afternoon.

Well, my groceries are in my trunk now, so I’m going to head home.

My poor Oliver Twist woke up this morning, sore as heck. He walked out of his kennel, so slow and stiff. I fed him, right away, so I could go ahead and give him his pain medicine. I could tell, fairly quickly, that helped. However, he is also taking a sedative, for the next few days, and he’s loopy as I’ll get out.

Yesterday, my period decided it wasn’t quite ready to be done. Adam and I had some fun, in our shower, though. His fingers wandered down my body, and he pleasured me easily. I didn’t finish him, until we went to bed. My mouth managed to both please him, and piss him off. Earlier, we were talking with some friends, in our kitchen. I rolled my eyes, at Adam. He announced, “That’s one.” I told him to shut up. He said, “That’s two.” When we had gone into our bedroom, getting ready to hop in the shower, Adam told me I had those two spankings coming. I told him, he could fuck right off. He picked me up, sat on our bed, put me over his knees, and proceeded to administer three swats, to my rear end. I think we both were satisfied with the results. I’m not sore. It wasn’t that bad. We just got to share a connection we haven’t, in a long while.

The weather has been nice, today. Sunshine and mid 70’s. I’m making chicken, for supper. I take chicken breasts, and season them. I lightly spray a 9×13 baking dish, and place my chicken inside. Then, I use cream of chicken soup, and smother my chicken in it. If you can find it, the cream of chicken with herbs is my favorite one to use. It can be hit and miss trying to find it in stores, though. I bake it, covered, at 375, for about an hour. Then, take it out, remove the tin foil, and sprinkle french fried onions on top. Put it back in the oven for about 15 minutes. The chicken comes out moist and tender, with lots of flavor. We’re having a lettuce salad with, tonight. I’ve got grape tomatoes, cucumber slices, carrots, feta cheese, croutons, and Italian dressing, to go on the lettuce and spinach leaves. Seems like a good, “summery” meal.

It’s Adam and my anniversary, on Sunday. I want to go flower shopping, with him. I’m anxious to get to filling my outdoor pots with some pretty flowers, again. We’re also going to work on our basement bonus room area, this weekend. Now that Jackie is all moved out, we’ve got to figure out just how we want to set that all up. I’ve got some ideas.

My period has decided to be done, for this month, finally. As excited as I am to eat the supper we’re having, I’m most ready to get my husband in bed, with me…

My goodness, it’s been a busy day! My Oliver dog had his appointment, to get neutered, today. I got up early, got myself dressed, and gulped down some coffee. I got the kids up, fed, and off to school. Then, it was time to bring Oliver to the vet clinic. I felt horrible leaving him. He was very confused. He kept stopping, and looking back at me, as the tech walked him down the hallway. My eyes welled up with tears, as I drove away.

I needed to swing by the grocery store, and pick up a few random things. By the time I got home, it was after 10:00am. I put my groceries away, got a couple loads of laundry done, washed breakfast dishes, made the beds, cleaned all the bathrooms, and straightened up the living room. I made myself scrambled eggs, and wrapped them with chopped green peppers, diced tomato, and some hot sauce, in a tortilla shell. As much as I love cheese, as must be apparent here in my recipes, I actually don’t prefer it with eggs. So, I don’t add any cheese to my breakfast style burritos. Once I’d finished that, it was already time to go get Oliver. Jackie offered to ride with, so she could help me get him home. I picked Jackie up, at her place. Poor Ollie was still so woozy, from the sedation. Jackie helped to hold him, so he wouldn’t tip over in the car, while I navigated traffic, to get home.

I had specifically chosen a pair of men’s boxer briefs, for this occasion. You can put them on the dog, backwards. I pulled his tail through the front hole, and used a hair tie to hold the loose parts up. This prevents him from being able to lick his surgical site. We’ve had to keep a good eye on him, while the anesthesia drugs wear off. They sent me home with pain medication, for him. They also sent some sedative pills, to keep him calm, over the next few days, so he can heal.

Mj had some homework she needed my help with. Wyatt had baseball practice. Adam picked Wyatt up, after he got off work. I needed to make supper. I had an extra pound of cooked ground beef, I’d saved when I made a bunch for another meal. I got that out, and made a hamburger helper boxed meal, for us. I just finished cleaning our supper dishes. Mj is taking a bath. Adam and I are going to hop in the shower, soon. After that, it’s bedtime, and I can’t wait! Although, I wouldn’t mind making a little time to reacquaint myself with my husband’s body…

Oh girl, you stand by me.

I’m forever yours, faithfully.

~Journey

When Adam and I were newly married, and just starting our family, he was also beginning to grow his business. He worked 7 days a week. He might be home, between 10:00pm-4:00am, if I was lucky. While he did an amazing job of getting his small business to take off, and bringing in more money than we ever had before, I was miserable. He missed out on all the memories we were making, without him. Birthdays, holidays, vacations. I dreamed of having him at home, every night, to sit at the table and eat supper with our family. Still, I never once strayed. I never even considered it. That’s not to say that there wasn’t opportunity. More than once, Adam and I were solicited from people from our past, and even a few from the present. Men and women we thought were our friends, who decided to try and push their way in, while they knew we were struggling. It was never permitted, though. There have been people who’ve wanted what Adam and I have. Rather than seek it out, for themselves, they tried to take it from us. I’ve learned that I can trust my husband. I believe he’s devoted to his family. I know he loves me. I have no problem cutting a bitch from my life, if she tries anything with my man, though.

Awhile back, an acquaintance of mine had sent me an innocent seeming text message. I replied. Before I knew it, my phone was ringing darn near daily, with his number flashing on my screen. I ignored him. I figured he’d get the hint. Then, one day, he came to our door, while Adam was at work. When I didn’t answer, he sent me some hateful, threatening texts. I also got a nasty voicemail, after several unanswered calls. Finally, I told Adam about this escalation of events. I had been telling myself I was being dramatic. I thought I would be causing a scene over something that I was just taking the wrong way. This guy was kind of clueless. Maybe he truly didn’t realize he was crossing the line? After he’d come to our house, and started to get angry and mean, I couldn’t deny my gut feelings any longer. Adam is a kind and gentle man, but I’ve seen another side of him, when he’s protecting his family. I have no idea what Adam did, after I told him. He said he would take care of it, and I haven’t heard a thing from that guy, since.

I had a long conversation, with Adam, last night. He had felt me pulling away, recently. He’s not wrong. I haven’t quite been myself. That’s because he hasn’t been himself, either. He’s been emotionally distant. Not listening to things I’ve told him. I can’t tell y’all how many times I’ve told him something, only to have him claim he didn’t know the very thing I told him, just days earlier. He’s assured me he would do some things, and hasn’t done them. When it all combines, in such a short period of time, I can’t help but wonder, what the hell? I told Adam about something I heard, not long ago. It was in a podcast. They said, “Women need emotional intimacy from a man, before they want a physical connection. Men need physical intimacy from a woman, to experience emotional connection.” When things get thrown off balance, it can be a circular struggle. I think there’s truth to that. Adam noticed I’d been less physically responsive to him. I’d felt him distant emotionally.

He talked to me about some things, at work. He’s under a lot of pressure. He doesn’t want to take any frustration out on me, so he hasn’t been talking to me as much. I wasn’t hearing from him, through the days, the way I’m used to. He wasn’t really “present”, when he was home. Naturally, I couldn’t feel the connection I needed, to show him physical expressions of love. We were both highly aware that something was “off”.

As we got dressed, last night, after our shower, Adam lifted my chin, so I was looking him in the eyes. He told me he was sorry. I must’ve appeared stone faced, because he looked hurt, and on the verge of frustration. I told him, I couldn’t talk just yet, because I didn’t want to cry. Then, I couldn’t hold back the wave of tears that came pouring out. He pulled me into his arms, and held me. I had one of his t-shirts, in my hand. I was about to put it on, before the flood of tears came. He took it from me, and wiped my face dry. I told him I was going to wear that. He said he’d get me a new one. He brought me another clean t-shirt of his. Then, he put the one he’d just wiped my tears with, on himself. I looked quizzically, at him. He said he needed to own those tears I’d cried, and do better.

I wish I could say we’d made love, last night, but I was on my second day of my period, crampy, and emotional. Instead, I slept with Adam’s arms wrapped around me, all night long. I had told him, I have absolutely no problem with him snooping through my phone, if he wants to. He knows my passcode is “secret”. Yep, spell out secret, that’s my phone’s passcode. I do take issue, if he’s searching for something he’s expecting to find. I never do that to him. I’ve snuck a look at texts he’s sent to friends, out of pure curiosity, but never believed I’d find anything upsetting. Not since we’ve said our marriage vows, anyway. I need him to trust me, the way I trust him. We’re not one another’s possessions. We’re neither disposable, nor can we hang onto each other, if one of us refuses. We have to give ourselves away. When I tell him I’ve given myself over to him, I fucking mean it. And, deep down, I’m sure he knows that.

We had a great time, hanging at Poppy’s, on Saturday night. We played some silly games. We had a lot of laughs.

Yesterday, I put up some Spring/Easter decorations. I took some small magnets, attached stickers to them, and then stuck the magnet stickers on my little blue truck. I can make different ones for all the seasons and holidays. Having them on the magnets will make it super easy to switch them out. I put some things on our mantle, too. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I made my cheeseburger soup for supper, last night. It’s a process, with a lot of steps, but it’s so worth it! Tonight, we’re having BBQ beef sandwiches. I’ve got a chuck roast and an arm roast slow cooking. Later, I’ll shred all the beef, and add in some “sweet baby rays” brand BBQ sauce (my most favorite). I’m going to make funeral potatoes to go with. I can’t remember if I’ve shared that recipe?

Today was my first day all alone, at home. Jackie and Justin are all moved into their new place. Adam’s at work, and the kids are in school. I washed our bedding, and towels. I’ve got them hanging out on the deck to dry. I had to run to Publix (grocery store), and grab some more laundry detergent. Then, I swung through the pharmacy, and picked up my daughter’s medicine refill. I intended to get the floors all vacuumed, swept, and mopped, but haven’t got to it. My car is a darned mess, since our Kansas trip. I need to get our friend, Biscuit, over to clean it for me.

I swear, Adam has been the one doing dumb shit lately. It isn’t me. It hasn’t been me who’s in trouble. Last night, I was waiting and watching, to make sure my sister had made it home safe. Her husband wasn’t home, so I was looking out for her, like big sister’s do. I accidentally fell asleep. When I woke up, at 1:00am, I grabbed my phone to check. She hadn’t texted me. I decided to check her location, to be sure she was home. I couldn’t go back to sleep, until I knew for sure. Adam woke up. He was real grouchy with me, and I couldn’t figure why? He asked what I was doing. I told him. Then, he accused me of texting someone at 1:00am. He wouldn’t take my word for it at all. There’s absolutely no reason for him to think I’d be doing something shady like that. I slapped his arm, sat up, turned the lamp on, and showed him my fucking phone. He made me so angry and hurt. I’ve never done anything to make him question my loyalty to him. I can’t remember the last time he truly hurt me that bad was. He apologized, but I didn’t want to talk. I cried a few quiet tears, and eventually fell back to sleep. I woke up feeling sad, this morning. I haven’t text or called him all day, but he hasn’t reached out, either. This probably seems like a small thing, but it was a serious slap in the face, having him insult my integrity. If he’d have asked what I was doing, and accepted my answer, it would’ve been fine. It’s that he didn’t trust what I’d told him. It shook me up. I’m trying to let it go, but damn it’s hard to do. One thing you can be sure of, accusing me of something I did not do, seriously upsets me. Continuing to question my word, when I’ve been honest, that unleashes fury, from within me.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m just writing down my story. Good, bad, and ugly. I almost think I should just go do something stupid. Do something to make Adam have to climb back “on top”. I struggle like hell to follow my husband’s lead, when we’re in this weird dynamic. I don’t want to come down on him. We all screw up. It’s so hard, though. How the hell am I supposed to feel? I guess this is his “punishment”, when he screws up. He has to know that he damaged my respect, for him. It can always be repaired, but it needs to be fixed back up. There’s some work in that. I feel like I’m standing on a tight rope, over the Grand Canyon, and the safety net he always holds for me, he sometimes puts it down. I’m left up here, trying not to look down. Desperately trying to convince myself not to feel afraid. But, I am afraid. It’s lonely. I want my husband to come back. Yet, he can’t even do that until I allow it. So, I want him, but I’m pushing him away, at the same time.

I like my drinks like my roof, on the house
We turnin’ up, got double cups, the sun’s goin’ down
With lagers, I’m a boxer, yeah, I need ’bout twelve rounds
And I could be your sponsor if you like how that sounds
Tell me what you’re drinkin’, buckets for a Lincoln
I could cover you and me and everyone you’re bringin’

Come on down, swing on by
Bring whatever’s been on your mind
Locals on tap and bottles on ice
Livin’ on feel-good standard time
My card’s on the bar, you’ve got nowhere to be
If you don’t come through, buddy, that’s on you
‘Cause the beer’s on me
Yeah, the beer’s on me, the beer’s on me
Gonna save you a seat ‘cause the beer’s on me

~Dierks Bentley

We’re going to Poppy’s house, tonight. He’s making us his famous chicken wraps. Those things are SO yummy! My dad’s a real good cook. Mj and I just made the Oreo cream pie dessert we’re bringing there. It’s just crushed chocolate graham crackers, mixed with melted butter, that forms the crust. The filling is vanilla pudding. We crunch up Oreos and stir them into the filling. Pour it over the crust, and cool in the fridge. Right before it’s served, I add some more crunched Oreos to the top. It’s super easy, but Adam and the kids love it. We were going to have a guitar night, outside. The weather is not cooperating, though. We’ve postponed our outdoor “concert”. Instead, we’re going to play some silly board/card games. My dad, his girlfriend, my sister, her husband, Pj, Jackie, Justin, Adam, our kids, and me will all be there. We were supposed to be heading there at 5:00, this evening. Adam told me he’s running behind, so it’s going to be close to 5:00 before he gets home. I guess we’ll be leaving as soon as he can get home and get himself ready. I’m excited. I know we’ll have a great time!

Last night, I had to share something with Adam. It has been a full TWO months, since I seriously got into any trouble. I think that’s pretty damn good!

There’s plenty of little things. A smack on my butt, after I roll my eyes. Lots and lots of playful ones, too. I haven’t had to face his “hard hands” in a good while, though.

Mentally, emotionally, even physically, I’ve been in a real good place. I just feel good. I sometimes spiral down, when I’m not in a secure place, in my head, body, and soul. I’m content. I’m not filled with worries. I’m not full of doubt. I haven’t experienced that deep sense of loss and sadness, that sometimes comes out of nowhere. Usually, that happens when my mother is either thrust into the forefront of my mind due to events around me, or it’s my own intrusive thoughts occurring. It’s sort of like having a shadow that follows me. I know it’s there, but can’t really see it, and certainly don’t look for it. Only once in awhile, the sun aligns in such a way that the shadow is standing right in front of me. I simply can’t escape it. No matter how far I run, it’s still there, taunting me. I love soaking in this amazing contentment that I feel. For me, that’s pure bliss.

It’s been a pretty busy Friday! I helped Jackie and Justin move some things into their new place. It’s a real cute little townhouse! Then, I picked up my grocery order, brought that home, and put everything away. I did a couple loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and got our whole house nice and tidy. I went to look for my Easter/Spring decor, but it’s nowhere to be found. I looked through every single tote I had, in the garage. It was time to get creative. I ordered a pack of Spring themed stickers, and some craft magnets. I’m going to make sticker magnets to put on my little metal decorative trucks. I put some pastel flowers in the trunk of my blue one, and moved it to the center of our table. I’m using a cute woven basket, and filling it with some Easter grass, plastic eggs, and artificial carrots. I had to order the carrots, but I already had some plastic eggs and Easter grass. I’d gotten them early, for making our kids Easter baskets.

My baby got a makeover, last night. Her teenage babysitter wanted to practice her skills on people, and Mj had really wanted to be one of them. Not again til she’s 16! She looked way too grown! Gorgeous, though. Of course. Her iPad syncs with my iCloud, and I found this selfie she took last night. Nope. No more makeup. Mama and Daddy aren’t quite ready for it!

She also talked Wyatt into letting her use his face as her canvas. I was actually proud of him for being so secure in himself, that having a teenage girl plaster his face with makeup didn’t phase him. Jackie told me I handled it well, because when he walked into the kitchen, I patted his back and told him that was very nice of him to let her do that. Jackie thinks if I’d have teased him, he would’ve felt like he’d done something wrong. He’s all boy. He’s also confident enough to allow his friend to give him a “makeover”, just because she asked him nicely. ❤️

I’m pretty darned proud of my babies. They’re good kids. Mj is a straight A kid. Wyatt gets As and Bs, sometimes a C, here and there. They both work hard, though. They’re kind, generous, silly, funny, caring, gentle people. I’ve never had one bad report, from a teacher. When Wyatt was in third grade, he once got into trouble for getting up out of his seat, on the school bus. A couple years ago, him and a buddy were riding their bikes around our old neighborhood. They decided to pick a watermelon from someone’s garden, and then smashed it, further on down the road. The lady knew the boys, and came to our door. She wasn’t terribly upset, but didn’t want them to do it again. We all came up with a plan, and Wyatt and his friend had to go to her house and rake and bag up all of her leaves in her yard. That’s really the only times I can think of, when he’s been in trouble. Mj has never done anything, yet. Awhile back, she kept leaving cups and bowls in her bedroom. After warning her, more than once, I punished her. I had her unload the dishwasher and put the dishes away, and sweep the steps going down to our garage. She not only did those things, she also swept off the whole back patio and driveway, and then she did the front porch, steps, and sidewalk. We don’t have to yell or be particularly hard on our kids. I know how blessed that makes us! They’re just so tender hearted, it don’t take much to get them to straighten up. Once in awhile, Wyatt can get an attitude about something. I’ve learned to let him storm up to his bedroom. I’ll give him awhile, and then go talk to him. I’m honest, and I’ll tell him dude, that really hurts my feelings when you talk to me like that. The last time that happened, his eyes filled with tears, he hugged me, and said he was sorry. We haven’t had an issue for quite awhile now. Anyway, I love my babies a bunch!

I’m fixing fiastadas for supper, tonight. I also got stuff to make an Oreo cream pie dessert, for tomorrow. Poppy is cooking for us, at his house. I thought I’d bring some dessert. The kids want to help make it, tomorrow. Adam is going into the office, for a few hours, in the morning. He’s planning to help Justin move some of the heavy things tonight, when he’s home from work, too. They’ve got a washer and dryer, a deep freeze, Jackie’s desk, and a mattress and box springs. Jackie and I weren’t quite qualified to help haul those things up their steps!

Whew! I feel like I’ve been writing for a long time, this afternoon! I suppose I should shut up, for now.