“Closing time. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

~Semisonic

We had a great weekend. Saturday evening, Jackie and Justin played some games with Adam and I. We didn’t get too wild, or stay up super late, since the next day was Easter. We had a blast, though.

I got up early, yesterday. I needed to let my dough, for the dinner rolls, rise. I had a 12 pound ham to cook in the oven, too. Jackie, Justin, my sister, her husband, baby Pj, Jackie’s sister, Jackie’s baby niece, Poppy, and his girlfriend all came over for Easter dinner. It was gorgeous out. We sat outside, after we ate. The guys hid eggs for the kids to find. It’s always the dads (and uncles) job, to hide eggs. We had a couple of “golden” eggs, with money inside them. The rest just had candy in them.

After everybody (except Justin and Jackie) left, we played cornhole. It was such a perfect Easter Sunday. Lots of sunshine, family, food, and fun!

I decided to break down, and tell my sister I know. I know you’ve let [our mother] back into your life. I still love you.

I feel like these screenshots sum up my thoughts pretty darned perfectly. My sister and I are good. I truly have no animosity toward her. I worry. I’m afraid, certain actually, she’s going to get hurt. But, that’s just not my decision to make. Regardless, I’m always going to be here, for her. I gave her a big hug, yesterday, and told her I love her. She got teary. I knew she’d been so worried about how I’d react. I need my people to understand and believe, I’d never turn my back on them, because they upset me. I can be angry, hurt, sad…but my love for them isn’t something I can simply “turn off”. It really hurts my heart, to think they wouldn’t know that.

“You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be”

“Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again”

~Danny Gokey

I’m not going to pretend like it’s been easy, knowing my mother was here. She was somewhere so close, but the distance between us cannot be traveled. Even if she’s only minutes from me. I’ve seen pictures and videos, from social media. Even though I don’t have it, I have friends who do. They send me things. I’ve had to answer questions from well meaning people, who know me. They’ll ask me if my mom is here, and whether she’ll be coming to Easter dinner with my family. I have to explain, over and over again, that no, my mother will never be in my life again. That’s not particularly easy to do, either. I don’t even care if it makes me seem like a horrible daughter. I’m protecting myself, and most importantly, my family. We had an unexpected knock on our door, the other night. My heart sank into my stomach. Adam got the door. It was just a package, being dropped off. I have had to live guarded, much more than usual, until she’d gone back to where she came from. She’s gone now, and I’m glad for it.

I wasn’t wallowing in my sorrows, while I knew she was close by. I actually had a pretty great week. Although my “circle” seems to have gotten smaller, the ones who belong here are my loyal family and friends. They’re the ones who understand me. They know the reasons for my “whys, whats, and hows”. They don’t question my choices, because they’ve been here with me, through my struggles. They love me. That means so much more to me, than having 1000 “friends” who don’t care to know me, unless there’s gossip they’re curious about. I’m just so grateful for “my people”.

It was a busy last several days. I had to get our taxes finished. I had a whole bunch of errands. The kids have been very busy, at school. There’s been some sort of activity, everyday. I also woke up with a raging kidney infection, a couple days about. They come on super quickly, and always angry as hell. It’s not a slow, gradual buildup. Just, bam. So, I wasn’t feeling the best. Getting much better now, though.

Mj is spending the night at Justin and Jackie’s place. She’s been wanting to have a sleepover. Tomorrow, Jackie and I are going to steam eggs, for deviled eggs. I’ve got to pick up a few things for Easter dinner, but we’re mostly prepared for it. Wyatt, Mj, and I are going to make the desserts tomorrow, too. Adam’s going to grill some chicken for us, tomorrow evening. I’ve already got potato and pasta salads ready for us to have with our chicken. This way, I won’t have to do much cooking, for supper. I can get everything I need to ready for Sunday. Our Easter dinner will consist of a honey ham, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, corn, green bean casserole, rolls, deviled eggs, a veggie tray, Oreo and banana cream pies. I always think back to what my grandma served us, on holidays. That’s how I plan our holiday menus. Tonight, I just made Mj’s favorite hot ham and cheese sandwiches, and onion rings.

I’m exhausted! I need to go to bed. I just wanted to write here, and catch up on the last two days here. I will definitely write more, tomorrow. I had a small incident, with Adam, but it’s fine now. I’m too tired to explain tonight, though. Goodnight!

Jackie and I went flower shopping, today. I got lots of my planters filled with annuals! I’m so happy!

I also got some for the front of our house. It’s looking so nice! I’m really happy with the way it’s turned out. Jackie and I turned on some music, and got busy planting flowers, and making everything look nice. I had a great afternoon, with my best friend ❤️

We also made a TikTok. It’s one of those “if you know, you know”. We think we’re pretty hilarious, though.

I’m making beef and noodles, for supper. I had dinner rolls I let rise, all afternoon. I’m about to put those in the oven. Everything else is just about ready.

I really don’t feel like talking about how nervous I was, that we might bump into my mother, while we were out shopping. Or, how afraid I was to even leave my house, on the off chance she came by here. Jackie has been the most amazing friend, while this has been an issue. She came over last night, and we talked and laughed in the kitchen. I picked her up, this morning. We did our flower shopping, and she helped me get everything planted. We were our typical goofballs. There were lots of laughs. It really helped me to not focus on the worry I’ve been feeling. Instead, it’s been an awesome day. I don’t think I have the words to describe how thankful I am, for the people who truly love me like this.

Today has been darned near too warm. My house says it’s 83 degrees inside. Still, I’m so excited summer is coming! I’ve got windows wide open. We have fans blowing. I’m comfortable, but the kids are complaining. I’m feeling so content, happy, loved, and grateful. It would take an awful lot, to ruin my good mood!

I hope everyone else has had as blessed a day, as I have ❤️

Lights go down, wheels go around
I’m taking you home
Hoping for a slow song to come on the radio now
I’m not ready to shut it down
The way the dashboard glow
Is hitting your eyes making me lose everything on my mind
And the only thing I wanna do is find a spot
Stop this car and throw it in park and get just…

Slow dance with you
Spinning you around by the Walmart sign
And moving our feet over the painted white lines
Getting close to you
Making the most of whatever we got
Even if it’s just a slow dance in a parking lot

~Jordan Davis

Adam loves this song. If it comes on, and we’re in the car, he always reaches for my hand. If it plays, while I’m in the kitchen, he comes in and dances with me. It’s not that I don’t like this song. I do! I just think it’s sweet that Adam thinks of me, when it comes on. It’s an indescribably amazing thing, having someone who loves me the way Adam does.

We didn’t do much, yesterday. Adam took Oliver for a walk. Mj’s friend was still here, so the kids played outside. The weather here has been great. I can leave bedroom windows open, all night long, and it feels so good. I washed all the bedding, today, and hung it out to dry. I vacuumed, swept, and mopped all the floors. There’s something about having fresh air and sunshine pouring in, that just makes me happy. I bought a plug in air freshener refill. It’s “vanilla lavender”. Ohhh my goshhh, it made my whole house smell amazing! I’ve got some cucumbers soaking in vinegar water, and onion, in the fridge. So, it also smells great, when I open our fridge. I’m fixing my cheeseburger macaroni recipe for supper, tonight. We’ll have sliced cucumber, and I’ve got corn on the cob.

I finally replaced my measuring cups. The ones I’d had, I’ve had for several years. They’re so worn, we can’t read them anymore. I ordered new ones on Amazon. They just arrived. The measurements are engraved into the handles, so we won’t wear them off like my old ones. I also got some material for our dining room chair seats. They’re in desperate need of a facelift. I’m excited for it to get here, and recover my chairs. I’ll take before and after photos, when I do them.

And that’s pretty much all the excitement at my house, today! Been a quiet, peaceful kind of Monday. My behind still hurts, from Saturday night. I’m not trying to find anymore trouble.

~Florida Georgia Line

Mj’s best friend is here, for the weekend. Wyatt has no baseball practice, or games, all weekend. It stormed pretty bad, last night, but we didn’t end up with any serious weather. I know some surrounding areas had large tornados, though! It’s windy as heck, today. It’s warm and sunny, at least. We’re going to Justin and Jackie’s, as soon as Adam gets home from work.

Today, I spent way more time on my hair, makeup, and nails, than I typically do. I just felt like doing my best to make Adam feel “wow”, when he gets home. I’m pretty good at using makeup. I don’t use most of my stuff, most days, because my skin needs to breathe. It’s fun to do sometimes, though. I painted my toenails a summery coral color. I wanted to do my fingernails in white, but I discovered I need to buy new white nail polish. So, I left them clear. I put on some high waisted jeans, and a lilac colored, cropped t-shirt. My eyes are a hazel green color, but certain colors, and the lighting, can make them look brown. Adam, our kids, my dad, my brother, and sister all have blue eyes. I used to hate my eye color, but I’m fine with it now. Jackie has the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re stunning!

I had a sick feeling in my stomach, yesterday evening. We’re fixing to spend an obscene amount of money on something. It’s not really that much, but I’m a worrier. I started to look through my bank and bill book, and did a bunch of math. I didn’t feel comfortable with the way the numbers kept crunching. I didn’t want to have to tell Adam this. He was in such a great mood. I hadn’t decided whether I was going to bring it up, or not. When we got in the shower, he could tell something wasn’t quite right. I had to tell him. After all the worrying I’ve done, for weeks now, about how to make this happen, and the other things we’ve got planned, Adam completely reassured me. I had forgotten all about money we had somewhere else. I’m generally the one who pays bills, moves money around between accounts, and all that stuff. Adam had something he’s been working on, for awhile now. I hadn’t thought to figure that into my equations. Now, I feel SO much better! Adam told me I should’ve mentioned my concerns, sooner. He hates when I worry about things like that. For me, I feel guilty, if I bring it up to him. He works so hard, and he is an amazing provider. I never like to tell him “I’m worried it’s not enough.” That feels shitty. He insists it’s his job, to do that kind of worrying. He’s not irresponsible. He almost never spends money on himself. I’m just wired in such a way, I overthink every single big purchase. I consider every possible “what if”. Anyway, I feel great now, and Adam was incredibly reassuring and understanding. I truly am so blessed. I would likely be a total mess of stress, if it wasn’t for my husband!

I have spent too much of my day on myself! I really need to get the kitchen cleaned up, and fold some laundry. Adam should be home soon, and then we’ll head to Justin and Jackie’s, as soon as he gets ready. I’m in a great mood. There will certainly be alcohol served, this evening. I’m planning to have fun, and avoid any eye rolls, middle fingers, or disrespectful comments directed toward Adam. Yep. It’s gonna be a good night 😊

We had some storms here, earlier. The lightning was so close, then the thunder was super loud. Oliver went into his kennel. That’s his “safe place”. He sleeps in it, at night. I trained him, from a little puppy, to be comfy in his kennel. He easily goes inside, if I tell him to, but I rarely ever tell him to. He takes himself to bed, when he’s tired.

I was sending pictures of our living room, to a friend. I’m trying to come up with ideas for the walls. I’d like to paint that wall, where the big window is. Make it an accent wall. I’m thinking of a mustard yellow kind of color. I also have some other things I’d like to change. I hate our ceiling fan, in there. I’d like to stain our stair railing and fireplace mantle darker, too. Diesel kept photo bombing my pictures, though 😆

Last night, Adam and I were talking, in the shower. I had questioned whether he seriously gets that upset when I roll my eyes, or flip him off. He said “YES”. Then, he asked me, wouldn’t I be upset if he did that to me? I told him, not if we’re playing around. It would depend. He insisted, it’s disrespectful, no matter what the situation. I disagreed. Adam decided he was going to have to do a better job of letting me know he means it, about not doing those things to him. Again, I didn’t agree with that plan. I guess we’ll see…I didn’t test those waters, last night.

Adam was kind of sweet, while we were getting ready for bed. We were talking about how his brother’s house had been a total bachelor pad, until recently. His brother’s girlfriend has started turning that house into a home. I asked Adam if he actually notices, or cares all that much, about how I decorate and arrange our house? I truly wondered if that mattered to him, because that’s something I enjoy so much. I pay attention to the details. I will have a vision, for something, and get excited about making it happen. Adam never complains about how I do things here. He’s never gotten angry, when I’ve decided to change something. He told me he loves the way I set our home up, and he loves seeing me be so excited and happy about ideas I come up with. I said, “That’s where I wind up spending your money, Adam. On things for our house. Things I wasn’t even sure you particularly cared about!” He told me, “OUR money. And I love it.” I think I’m pretty lucky to have this husband, who works hard to provide for our family, and never complains when I want to buy a new ceiling fan, or Easter decorations. Or, pretty much whatever new thing I come up with. Which happens regularly. He is absolutely not one bit controlling. He has expectations, and boundaries. So do I. He’s never cruel, though. We’ve learned and grown, a lot. I’m sure there’s still a lot of things we have to learn. I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate how awesome my husband really is, to me. He’s an incredibly kind, caring, generous, loving, gentle, and strong man. He’s my rock. He’s my favorite person. I’m grateful that I get to say he’s all mine!

I was a little grouchy, last night. Adam was teasing me, as we got ready to take our shower. He said something silly, to me. I rolled my eyes. He smacked my butt. I was leaning into the shower, adjusting the water temperature. I flipped him off, with both hands, from inside the shower. He was in our closet. I had no idea he could still see me. The way our bathroom is set up, the closet is in it, with its own door leading into it. There’s also a big mirror, above our sinks, across from the shower. Apparently, he’d seen me, in the mirror. He came over to me, spun me so I was facing him, leaned over my shoulder, and spanked me a few times. I dropped my attitude, after that. He’d had a long day, and he was just trying to cheer me up. I was just in a mood, and took it out on him. Well, until I couldn’t. He’s always here, if I need a hug, or to talk. Sometimes I even tell him, I don’t want to talk right now, just give me a little time. He always respects that, too. He’s not allowing me to give him my bitchy attitude, though. Like, at all!

By the time we climbed into bed, I was feeling much better. I began to run my fingers down his chest, past his waistband. He rolled over, on top of me, and started kissing me. Our clothes came off, and he was just about to find his way inside of me, when our bedroom door opened. We hadn’t locked it. Our daughter’s voice spoke to us. She was asking if I had any cough drops. Her throat hurt. Mercifully, we were still covered with our blankets. I sent her into the kitchen, to look in a cupboard that I knew they wouldn’t be in. That bought me time to put my robe on, and get some from the linen closet, where I actually keep them. I got her back to her bed, and rejoined Adam in our bed. We laughed about it all. We also finished what we’d started.

I’m slow cooking a beef chuck roast, with carrots, for supper. I’d forgotten to put it in my crockpot, until almost noon. I turned my slow cooker onto high, for 4 hours. I’ll turn it onto low, for the last 2-3 hours, before we’re ready to eat. I’m going to put some potatoes in the oven, so we can have baked potatoes with. It’s a beautiful day. 70’s and lots of sunshine. Oliver is feeling all better, since his little surgery. Mj and I are going to take him for a walk, when she gets home from school. Wyatt has baseball practice, this afternoon.

Tomorrow evening, Adam and Justin are going to go buy a brisket. Justin is getting a new smoker. They’re going to make that, for Saturday evening. We’re going to go over to their place. It looks like we should have another beautiful weekend. The weather is definitely starting to be more consistently cooperative with our desire to be outdoors.

I think I’ll go ahead and bake the last of my chocolate chip cookie dough. I’ll have some cookies ready, for Adam and the kids. I’ve got about half an hour until Mj gets home.