“I’m a child of backseat freedom. Baptized in rock and roll. Marilyn Monroe and the garden of Eden. Never grow up. Never grow old. Just another rebel in the great wide open, on the boulevard of broken dreams. And I learned everything I needed to know from John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16…”

~Keith Urban

Keith Urban is one of those people who is truly genuine. He’s lived a rock and roll lifestyle, but he’s actually one heck of a nice guy! He has done a whole lot of quiet good deeds. He doesn’t publicize them. He isn’t pretending for cameras. He’s just who he is. I really like him. There are plenty of folks who “make it”, and project this fake image to the public, while being terrible human beings, in real life. I know a handful of people who aren’t like that, though. Keith Urban is one of them.

I appreciate a little bit of humble, in people who find success. I’m no famous musician, actress, author, mathematician…but I absolutely recognize the role the people around me have played in my own successes. I don’t believe it’s possible to experience greatness, without having loyal people who love you. People who celebrate your success, share in your sorrows, and who also aren’t afraid to call you out, when you’re being an idiot. We all need people like that around us.

Our son got a little attitude, last night. I’d confronted him about needing to be more responsible with his things. He’d lost something that we ended up having to pay for. He wasn’t understanding why that was an issue. I explained. I didn’t raise my voice or anything. I simply explained why he needs to be more responsible. He threw his hands up, and started to walk away, heading for his bedroom. Adam stopped him. He was angry. He told our son to apologize to his mama. He mumbled an I’m sorry. Adam repeated, apologize so she can hear you! He repeated his I’m sorry. Then, Adam gave him an order. Something along the lines of “You’re going to help out your mama around the house. If I hear that you refused something, there will be consequences. Do you hear me?” Our son said yes. Oof. That’s not the correct response. Adam’s voice deepened significantly. “Excuse me??” I heard the proper, yes sir. It’s funny, because I was so frustrated with my son’s attitude, but hearing him in trouble still had me feeling sorry for him. Adam is such a kind, generous, loving, gentle husband and father, but he has an incredible ability to set people straight, quickly.

It is just gorgeous out, today! Temps are showing 68 degrees. There’s no wind. The sun is shining. I’ve got my deck doors and some windows open. I love the smell of fresh air.

I’m making meatballs for supper, tonight. I’ve got green bean casserole, and cheesy mashed potatoes, to go with. I’ve made beds, straightened up the house, and folded a couple loads of laundry. There isn’t much else that needs doing, today. After the kids get home, I think we’re going to take the dogs for a walk.

Adam worked late, last night. He didn’t get home until 7:30pm. I’m hoping he gets home earlier, tonight. We had a nice evening, even though it was cut short, since he was home so late. When we were getting ready for bed, he said something, I can’t remember what? But, I rolled my eyes, as I pulled my shirt over my head. I don’t know how he knew, but he said, “You just rolled your eyes.” I laughed, a little stunned that he could’ve known. He lifted my shirt, exposing my behind, (well his, because I sleep in his t shirts), and gave me a hard smack. He is really going hard on this no eye rolls rule…

Later, we were having sex, and I asked if I could be on top. He told me no. I pouted, and then he rolled us both over, so I was on top. I think half of the enjoyment he gets from sex, is in giving me pleasure. Even so, he rarely relinquishes “control”. I got a few minutes to “control” things, though. 😉

I was just asking Adam if he was having a good day!

I can’t decide whether I should be offended or not?!

“…They keep screamin’ to wake up, but they’re all woke, not awake. We know the system has failed us, and all the media’s fake. I swear the government hates us, having opinions is dangerous. The system built to enslave us only works if we’re afraid…”

~Tom MacDonald (Renegade)

I didn’t get the kids laundry all done, Sunday, so I washed their bedding, this morning. It’s beautiful out! I’m hanging their blankets out to dry. I did some other random things, this morning. I cleaned the inside of my washing machine, my dishwasher, and my oven. I went through the kids clothes, and sorted things they’ve outgrown into bags to donate. I dusted all my pictures and decorations hanging on walls. I cleaned off the top of the fridge. I’m going to mop my kitchen, bathrooms, and entryway. I have a steam mop. I like to add a few drops of lemongrass oil into the water. It makes the house smell so clean and good! I just looked over, and my air fryer needs cleaned out, too… There’s never a shortage of things to do, here.

I’m making a ham tonight, for supper. I’m going to make my own honey and brown sugar glaze for it. I’m thinking I’ll make some baked potatoes and a lettuce salad, to go with.

I’ve got my little Bose speaker playing my “kitchen cleaning” playlist. The warm sunshine pouring into the house has me in a great mood. I swear, I get so much energy from the sun! Gimmie some sunshine and good music, and I can accomplish just about anything. I suppose I’ll go get some more done, now. Have a blessed day!

I’ve been arrested. Also, I got out of the handcuffs. I can make my hands smaller than my wrist, making escape easy.

I once snuck away from the Homecoming dance, and went driving around with some friends. Our driver was 14 years old, with a school permit. We thought we were so cool. The very next day, that friend died. He was with his dad. They got into a car accident. He was thrown from the vehicle, and didn’t survive. I went to his funeral. Seeing him lay in that casket, I made the decision that I would never look again. The image of my friend laying there stuck with me, forever. I’ve never chosen to walk past the casket of someone I loved, after that. I prefer to hang onto the memories of their life, not death.

When I was a toddler, I disappeared from my parents sight. They found me sitting with our elderly neighbor. Her name was Zula. After that, I went to visit her, every single day. I’d bring her mail in for her. I helped her find her cane often. She would make me peanut butter crackers, and leave little candies for me. She called them “fairy treats”. When I was 12 years old, I went to her house. I found her sitting on her floor, waiting. She knew I’d be coming. She’d fallen. I went and got help. She left in an ambulance, never to return to that home. She had broken her hip. She went to a nursing home, after that. I walked to that nursing home every Friday, to visit her. She passed away when I was 17 years old. I keep a card from her, in my hope chest. In her perfect cursive writing, are the words, “To my best friend”. She never had any children of her own. She left her home to my family.

These are actually all true…

We had so much fun, last night! I should’ve taken a picture of Poppy’s gravy. Justin said it’s the best biscuits and gravy he’s ever tasted, too! I’m telling y’all, it’s amazing.

I took a picture of the sky, when we were leaving for Poppy’s house, last night. It was gorgeous.

This morning, the sun is shining. It’s supposed to be around 60 degrees. We’re just going to have a nice, quiet day, at home.

My sister called, yesterday, and asked if we might be able to watch Pj, for a couple hours, today. I told her of course!

I made my rotel dip and chips, for the birthday party, this afternoon. We got Jackie’s niece a little ride on car, and some cute shirts. It was a fun afternoon.

We’re fixing to head over to Poppy’s house, now. Time for some biscuits and gravy, and guitar!

“…so much pressure I can barely breathe. My demons branding me like Yellowstone. Mama ain’t here no more to pray for me. I’m surrounded by hate, fake fame, and greed. The dark days always seem to find a way. I’ve been dealing with pain, but keep a smile on my face….I keep on goin’, cause that’s all I know. Turning off every emotion, I’m in airplane mode. I keep my past in the rear view, with my middle finger up screaming fuck you. I broke down, tore into pieces. Black clouds raining on me again. I can’t get away. Trying to get all this time I lost. I can’t get it back. One foot in, the other outside the door. I can’t make a mistake. This is real life today.”

~Seth Anthony

I know it probably isn’t the right thing to do, but I often build walls, when I’m afraid. If I’m feeling insecure, I will push Adam away. I don’t want him to move away from me. I want him to stand firm. I need to know he is still going to be there. The worst thing he can do, is move. If he doesn’t stay right where he says he’ll always be, I crumble. It isn’t fair for me to make Adam “pay for” the damage my mother has done to me, but the wounds she left have affected me deeply. I can’t help but worry that, if I fuck up, he might leave too. I think I have this fear that, if I’m not “good enough”, he might not want me anymore. I spent so many years of my life desperately trying to find ways to get affection from my mother. I tried so hard to be the daughter she expected me to be. To please her. To earn her love. And, when I failed, I felt her wrath. She could look at me with pure hatred in her eyes. Genuine, hatred. She knew all the ways to hurt me. At the same time, a part of me craves boundaries. I appreciate when Adam is willing to step up, and protect me. To make sure that I don’t cross lines that I shouldn’t. I’m ok with that. I need it. As long as I never look into his eyes, and see the look my mother used to give me. As long as he continues to do and say everything out of genuine love. I can see, hear, and feel the difference, easily. I’ve been brave and open enough to share, with Adam, so much of the things I keep hidden from the world. The things that would give him a perfect insight into how to destroy me, if he ever decided to. My mother often talked about how she intended to “destroy” me. She’d do everything she could to accomplish her goal, too! I’ve shown Adam those weak spots. That’s scary! I wore a “mask” for so long. One that pretended not to be afraid of anything. One that portrayed nothing but confidence. Admitting my weaknesses, forces me to take off that “mask”. I’m left raw and real, and very vulnerable.

I’ve given Adam a roadmap into my heart and soul. I can’t travel the path to something great, without remembering the heartache I experienced, along the way. I can tell him all of the best ways to help, but that also gives him access to all of the ways to hurt me. I explained it to Adam like this, Imagine you’re training for a big fight. You lift weights in the gym everyday. You practice how to duck away and how to throw a punch. You’re asking me to stop training. Promising me that you’ve got me. If you let me down, I’ve stopped preparing. I’m no longer ready to fight. I can’t lift weights like I used to. I can’t throw a punch like I used to. I don’t even know how to avoid the punches from other people, the way I used to.

The hardest part is convincing myself that I’ll never have to defend myself against the people I’m supposed to trust to love me. I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on my husband. He wants honesty. He wants me to be vulnerable with him. To trust him. I need to know I’m always going to be safe with him. I need to believe that he won’t ever use the “road map” I’ve drawn him, to crush me. To destroy me.

I love Adam so much. It’s a very difficult and trying process, getting through the bullshit. It’s hard work, building something real and intimate. I think it’s worth it. I think our progress is amazing. It’s scary and emotional and it hurts real bad sometimes. It’s also brought on a whole new level of relationship that I didn’t even know was possible. I didn’t know I could let someone in the way I’ve been allowing Adam to be. I can’t describe the comfort and security that washes over me when Adam shows me that “he’s got me”. Even when I screw up, and he gets upset with me, and punishes me. When I can hear his love for me in the way he speaks, see his love for me in his eyes, and feel his love for me in the way he comforts me, even if he’s upset with me… This makes me sure I can trust him with the key to my heart.

I’ve began to open myself up to other people that I love. My brother asked me recently, “are you ok? You’ve been opening up a lot more lately.” My friends have been so willing to listen and support me. I’ve sort of been shocking everyone, because they know, it’s not like me to really talk. I think it’s good, though. I never intended to have only superficial relationships. I’ve just always been the one who listened. The one doing the consoling. Not the vulnerable one. It’s new, but it’s good.

The kids went back to school! They had a 2 hour late start. It was nice getting to sleep in a little longer, but I’m glad the weather has decided to cooperate. We can start getting back to “normal”, again. I ran some errands, this morning. The roads were all perfectly fine. It’s several degrees above freezing, so all the ice has melted away.

My son has a training thing, tonight. He volunteered to help serve at a local charity event. They’re putting on a “prom”, for special needs students. He will be learning how to best help the kids with special needs, while he’s there. Of course, this training is almost 8 miles away, at 6:00pm. So, right during rush hour. An 8 mile drive across the city, at rush hour, ends up taking about 45 minutes. I’m proud of him for volunteering, but I really don’t feel like fighting traffic, this evening.

I’m making chili, for supper. I figured I’d get it done, so I can leave it simmering in my crockpot, while I take my son across town. Jackie is coming home. I haven’t hung out with her in days! I am so happy for her, that she’s found a great guy. I keep encouraging her not to self sabotage this.

Today was Groundhog Day. I never did hear whether he saw his shadow, or not? I’m ready for Spring to arrive! I’m starting to think about all the flowers I’d like to plant. I’ve got some landscaping ideas. Once we get through February, I should be able to start working on those plans.

Last night, I was texting with a friend I grew up with. We were always together, in high school. She knows what’s happened, with my mother, but we don’t talk much about it. For whatever reason, we did, last night. I was blown away, when she said this to me…

I shared a couple of my older blog posts, with her. She wanted to know where to find my blog, but I explained, there’s a lot of shit I write, that she don’t need to read! I had no idea she hadn’t fallen for the perfect facade I so carefully played out, when we were kids. I just think that’s interesting. My mother could put on quite the show, for others. It never occurred to me, that maybe they weren’t buying her bullshit, either.