Jackie started a blog of her own, recently. She calls me “Lucy” in it. She’s shared some of her posts with me. It’s amazing, because she’s finding it to be therapeutic in the same way that I do. l love that!

I’m making these ham and cheese sandwiches that are my daughter’s favorite meal. I brush a mixture of melted butter, worstershire sauce, garlic and onion powder, and poppy seeds over the top. I got them all ready to be thrown in the oven, because I have to head up to the school here soon. I am helping the choir kids with final rehearsal before their Christmas concert, tonight. When we get back home, I’ll be able to heat up the sandwiches and have supper ready fast.

Last night, I showed Adam a blog post I have saved in my drafts. I wrote it recently, but haven’t posted it yet. I’m still working on it. It was appropriate for the mood between us, last night, so I sent it to him. His reply was sweet ❤️

I’ve done a real good job of staying out of trouble with Adam. It makes my blog kind of boring, when I’m not screwing up or struggling with something, but I am enjoying the “quiet”. We’re so busy, this time of year, it’s hard to find the time to cause or focus on any problems! I’m happy, though. Just…happy.

We had a lot of fun, last weekend. Adam took me out to eat. We did some Christmas shopping. We played card games with some friends. We went to visit my sister and baby niece. I got tons of texts and phone calls from friends and family wishing me a Happy Birthday. Adam got me a Cheesecake Factory cake. It was a perfect birthday weekend with my favorite people.

I’ve been cleaning today. I cleaned out the oven and scrubbed the top of the stove. I wiped all the appliances down, so there’s not a single fingerprint, for now. I dusted and vacuumed, swept, and mopped all the floors. Did a few loads of laundry. I got to hang the blankets out on the deck today. The sun is shining for the first time in like two weeks here!

Jackie is off work, and she’s sitting at my table working on a scrapbook project. I’ve been helping a little bit, but mostly just hanging out watching. We ordered fast food, for lunch. I’m regretting it! Now my belly is ridiculously full of junk food, and I’ve got a really good supper I’m planning to make tonight.

I suppose I’ll get back to Jackie and her project. Just wanted to leave a post for today, since I didn’t write anything on Sunday.

My goodness, just flip it to a woman saying this to a man…

I grew up very involved in music and the whole industry. My dad introduced me to it, from the moment I was born. I hear songs and music differently than some folks. It often speaks some truth into my life. It becomes personal. It says things I can’t. It expresses things I don’t share. It speaks truth to things that I sometimes don’t even want to acknowledge yet. I find so much of my own story, in a song. Anyway, I think this is a beautiful song.

PS-the title to this post is also a song title, by Government Mule. That song is near and dear to me, because of my dad. A whole lot of my blog post titles are actually also song titles 😉

Adam had to go into work today. He’s about to head home. Jackie, another friend, and I sat in my kitchen and talked and laughed, last night. I went to bed with Adam, about 10:30pm, so we weren’t up late or anything. My son and daughter hung out with us, for awhile. It was a fun evening!

When I went to bed, Adam told me I needed my “birthday spanking”. He smacked my butt a few times. I giggled. I was feeling a little “buzz”, from the couple beers I’d drank in the kitchen, with my friends. That makes me extra “frisky”, and I really wanted my husband. I climbed on top of him, and got exactly what I was after. Thank goodness, because I woke up this morning to my lovely monthly visitor…of course. Perfect timing. Still, I’m excited to go hang out with Adam, tonight.

I’m waiting for Adam to get home, so we can take a shower and start getting ready to go out. I’m in a pretty great mood. Jackie will be here, and some of our other friends are going to come hang out with us, at our house, after we get back home. It should be a really fun Saturday night! I still don’t know where Adam and I are going, but I’m happy to go spend some alone time, with my husband. ❤️

Adam had already told me not to make any plans for Saturday evening, because he’s taking me out. My birthday is on Sunday. I got to thinking, last night, and I so appreciate him wanting to take me out, but I don’t need anything, and I’d rather spend money for Christmas gifts. I hinted that, what I would love to do, is go Christmas shopping with him! I told him, I’d be happy to make some fiastadas or something for supper, and then Jackie can stay here with the kids, while him and I go do some Christmas shopping. He told me, Baby, it ain’t gonna be anymore than a couple hundred bucks.” Again, I said that I’d really prefer to spend that on our family’s Christmas gifts. Then he said, “I bring home ‘the bacon’, I will decide where it’s going.” He did tell me he would be happy to take me Christmas shopping, after we go out. I might look a little silly walking through Target in a dress and heels, but okay!

My poor little boy got in trouble, at school…again, today. I got a phone call from the assistant principal. She told me he was in her office and she was going to put him on the phone, so he could explain what happened to me. Essentially, he’s getting an in school suspension, because he opened a locked door for a couple of other students, and that isn’t allowed. The principal told me they have to take this seriously, because it’s about our kids’ safety. Unfortunately, people have been known to enter schools, with nefarious intent, so it is never ok to open a locked door. My son told me he was in gym class, and he knew these kids, and let them inside. I completely understand why they have to make it a “serious offense”, so that the kids understand it’s not a joke, but I still felt so bad for my boy! I could tell he was pretty shook up. I called Adam, right after I got off the phone with them. He wasn’t angry, either, but he also isn’t going to let it go. I’m not sure what he’s got in mind, but he wants me to “act like” our son is in “big trouble”, until Adam gets home to talk to him. I don’t think I can do that, though! He’s not a bad kid! Just makes bad choices, sometimes. I’m not good at being hard. I have raised my voice, a few times, but I always end up apologizing, because I feel wrong for losing my own cool, with them. Adam’s very good at being stern, but calm.

Besides all that excitement, not much else going on here. I got annoyed with Adam, yesterday. He will throw his coat down on a decorative table I have, in the entryway. It drives me nuts, but it’s also been muddy and rainy, so it was covered in caked mud. I started to tear into him, but I checked myself, and I just repeated to him why I’d appreciate it if he’d just throw it in the laundry, instead! That’s about the closest I’ve come to getting a bad attitude, for quite awhile now. All my behind’s gotten, is a bunch of “love taps”, and I’m good with it!

I sent my blog post to Adam, yesterday. He told me he loved reading that. It’s amazing what a little bit of encouragement and praise can do for a person! I do try to remember to tell my husband how much I appreciate him, often.

Our elf on the shelf, “Sparkle”, is hanging out on our stair railing, today.

I baked some brownies, this afternoon. I had some hot cocoa and a brownie ready for the kids, after school. Adam told me not to make any plans for Saturday evening. My birthday is this weekend. I’m not sure what he’s got in mind, but I guess we’re doing something, Saturday evening? Sunday, we’re going over to my sister’s to hang out with them and baby Pj. Next week, Mj has a choir concert. I’ve volunteered to help with their last rehearsal, right before the show, so I have to be there early to help with that. The next day is Adam and my evening out on the General Jackson showboat, over on the river. Next Friday is the kids last day of school, before Christmas vacation. Lot’s coming up!

It’s a rainy, dreary day. This entire week’s been like that. December and February are always the wettest months, for us. We almost always have tornadoes, in December, and flooding, in February. At least it hasn’t been horribly cold. Mostly 50’s-70’s. This weather is making me hungry, though! It also puts me in the mood to cook and bake lots of yummy things.

I don’t have a whole lot to report, today! Just more life and stuff. I enjoy days like this, though. I baked. I cleaned. I wore leggings and a hoodie, and threw my hair up into a ponytail. Actually had a whole conversation with my daughter about the Russia/Ukraine war. It blows my mind how “aware” my little girl even is! I can see that my libertarian, but “I love American people”values are brushing off on my own babies, when they express their opinions. I’ve always wanted my babies to feel safe to form their own views and opinions. I rarely give mine to them. I can see that my own views on certain things have opened Adam’s mind to be able to see another side of certain things. I always enjoy hearing and discussing experiences and opinions with people. As long as it’s done with an understanding that, nobody is going to be shamed for their views, it’s valuable to me. It’s awesome watching my kids forming their own, independent selves.

That’s pretty much all the excitement I’ve got for today!

I have been with Adam, since 2008. Through these years, I’ve done some stupid shit. Adam’s done some stupid shit. Not even once, have either of us put our hands on each other, in anger. Adam had never pushed me. He’s never hit me. He’s never betrayed my trust. He’s honest. He’s shown me, time and again, he means it when he tells me he loves me. Although I’ve been known to push the boundaries, he’s consistently been here, doing the very best he can to be what I need him to. He knows when he needs to move further from my face, because I’m feeling that “I can’t breathe” panic coming on. He knows when I need him to wrap his arms around me. Even when he’s angry, and in “discipline mode”, he will pause to comfort me, if I truly need it.

We talked, last night, in the shower. He basically explained that, when I talk about someone who’s put their hands on me in anger, it brings up a lot of emotions for him. He told me that, he wants to “beat the shit” out of my ex and his brother. He said that he will never hurt me. That, he might spank my butt, but he will never hurt me, or let something like what I told him about happen again. I absolutely believe him.

Adam’s integrity is admirable. He has never taken a sick day, from work. The only time he’s ever missed work, because of something wrong with him, is when he was in the hospital and deathly ill, once. He’s loyal. I don’t have to question whether he’s been faithful to me. He will do just about anything for me, if I need it. He doesn’t complain. He loves our family as fiercely as I do. These qualities have been consistent, the entire time I’ve known him. This is why I’m willing to “submit”. This is why I allow my husband to lead. This is why I trust him. This is why I accept discipline from him. This is why I love my husband.

I don’t believe women are incapable. I don’t believe that I owe my submission to a man, simply because I’m a woman. I give it to him, because he earns it, everyday. I am not perfect. I fail. I work at it, though, because my husband deserves it. I believe God placed him in my life, because he is exactly who I need.

There’s a song called “Gospel”, by John Moreland. Adam loves that song, and I think it suits him perfectly. There’s a line that says, “I want to wear my heart on my sleeve, but be tough when I have to. I want to dust off the stars and hang ‘em on the wall for you.” ❤️

I’m not the best at putting the right words to my emotions, but here goes. I feel like there’s this distance between Adam and I, for awhile, after I tell him about something from my past that he never knew about, before. It drives me absolutely crazy. I’m afraid he won’t look at me the same. Sometimes, I get a little angry, when he seems angry. Even though I know it isn’t me he’s angry with, it’s hard not to take it personally. Not to feel like it’s my fault for telling him something that I should’ve kept hidden. I’m different about all of my shit than Adam is. I can talk about something, and then I’m just DONE with it. I want to go back to “normal”. He needs more time to process and he gets quiet for awhile. That’s when I start to regret saying anything. I don’t want pity. I only hope to help to explain why I am who I am, and why I think how I do. We talked quite a bit, today. Me and my silly self have been working to lighten the mood.

I feel “dirty”, when I realize something I’ve told Adam has deeply upset him. Like, he’s going to look at me differently. I just want to get back to us. No weirdness. Nobody feeling sorry for me. No anger brewing because I’m hurt and afraid that Adam is looking at me different now. No bitchy attitude because I feel like I need to make sure it’s clear that I’m still just as tough as I was before he knew about something I’ve never told him. I just told him about why I despise the Kansas City Chiefs. My ex’s brother loved them. He was over watching a football game, YEARS ago. He got angry and he hurt me pretty bad. He took my hand and put out a cigarette right on the top of my hand. He left a softball sized bruise on my leg. My ex just sat there and watched. My shame comes from admitting that I let that happen. I’m embarrassed! Adam gets angry, and even though I know it’s not with me, I still feel so much shame! He understands why I have such a visceral reaction to the fucking Chiefs now, though.

Anyway, I think tonight will be better.

Last night, Adam and I were talking. He wound up asking me to tell him some of the shit I still keep buried. He wanted to know more. I only told him about a couple of different incidents from long ago, that continue to haunt me, and then he got upset. There are some pretty terrible things from the relationship I was in, before Adam. I mean, bad shit. Also, there’s plenty of crap from growing up. There are even some things that Adam has done that have hurt me. Not in an abusive way, just some old scars. It’s so hard to explain, and I didn’t do a good job of it, last night, but I have a hard time talking about those kind of things because it makes me feel weak and pathetic. I don’t like to admit that I’ve allowed people to treat me bad, or tolerated violence. I don’t like to be seen as a victim. I want to be strong. I want my power back, and going back to shit like that is extremely difficult.

Adam truly had no idea the amount of “baggage” that came with me. I mean, I’ve told bits and pieces, but he was asking me to go even further than that, and that’s something I don’t like to do. I can’t describe how much I HATE being seen as helpless. There’s this sense of fear that maybe then he will look at me as “damaged”. Or, what if he sees just how much I will actually tolerate from someone I love? It isn’t that I don’t trust Adam! This is just a real fear, for me.

We had been having such a great day, until these things came up. That’s exactly the reason I prefer to “let sleeping dogs lie”. I end up feeling pissed off at myself for telling him about things like that. It’s like I get caught up in a moment of brutal honestly, and then quickly regret it. You can’t just have conversations like we did, and then go laugh and goof around. I want to laugh and be silly, today. I don’t think Adam’s ready to do that, though. Makes me so sad. I wish I could go back and undo that entire conversation now! I don’t want to be too much. I’m afraid of being looked at differently.

There’s no way in hell I’ll ever be able to hold back my smart ass! Adam loves it, though. We’ve been “picking on each other”, this afternoon. That’s the thing, though. He knows I’m goofy. He loves my silly. There’s a difference between being disrespectful, and playing around. As long as we’re both playing the same game, it’s fine. Adam isn’t trying to change the parts of me that make him laugh. He isn’t a bully. We’re just silly. Most days are like this. Most days, we’re just giving each other hell, because it’s funny. He’s not always so “serious”. If you didn’t know him, you’d think he was. I know my husband. He’s playing with me. It’s fun, the way we keep each other on our toes.

He’s definitely not putting up with “disrespect”, these days. That does not mean that I can’t be the same me that he fell in love with. I’m a smart ass. He loves it, and he’s just teasing me right back.