Saturday morning, Adam was supposed to be heading home at 9:00am. I made supper plans expecting him to be home. They decided to go have breakfast and ended up not leaving until 11:15am. I was not happy. It genuinely felt like he wasn’t in any hurry to come home. Meanwhile, I’ve been over here counting down the days, hours, and minutes til his return. So, I hung up on him when he called and didn’t reply to his texts until hours later. He had text me asking “are you excited because I’m ready to be home”. A couple hours later I replied with “take highway 41 off 24 to go around the construction”. They’re doing road construction right at the Kentucky Tennessee border, so I knew it would shave off time. However, I also knew that he wouldn’t appreciate that being my only response. He almost instantly text back “well that answers that”. There were no more phone calls or texts until he got home. I stood in the kitchen and didn’t come to the door to greet him. All week, I had pictured jumping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist to give him the biggest hug and kiss. Unfortunately, that wasn’t how it played out. He came into the kitchen and tried to give me a kiss, but I turned and just gave him my cheek. It was nearly 10:00pm, so kids gave him some love and then it was time for bed. As soon as Adam and I climbed into bed…all hell broke loose. He said some things. I said some things. I wound up crying myself to sleep at 1:00am. Woke up at 5:00am with a headache from hell. We barely spoke to each other most of Sunday. Polite enough to not arouse suspicion with the kids, although I’m certain they heard our raised voices Saturday night. Finally, last night, while I was fixing supper, he came up behind me and spun me around and kissed my lips for the first time in over a week. I let him this time. He had really hurt my feelings, but I also can’t stand it when we’re fighting. I was feeling more alone since he’d gotten home than I had that entire week he was away. We didn’t talk about it all until bedtime. We sat in bed and both apologized for stupid shit we’d said. More tears that I couldn’t stop from forming began to fall down my face. He hates when I cry. I hate when I cry! I feel weak and pathetic. I honestly don’t cry very often at all. Once we had talked it out, I laid in his arms and kept my head on his chest. He asked me if a spanking would help. I said “No, not tonight please. I need you to love me right now.” He gently kissed me and rolled over on top of me. He made love to me in that typically boring, slow, soft, missionary position way and it was exactly what I needed.

I know that very soon, I will be getting spanked for ignoring him, twice. It just wasn’t the right time last night. I sometimes think what about him? I don’t get to spank his ass when he screws up. I realize, though, that he does get punished. He has the responsibility to fix it. He has the weight of his failure. He lost my respect and a piece of my heart, even if temporarily. That kills him. He has to work to regain my full trust. I told him what that does to me. Having this assurance that he would never be hateful toward me, even in anger. His words cut me like a knife. It takes time for me to truly trust that he will not do this again the next time he’s upset with me. It makes it so much harder to come to him and confess anything. I put up a wall. I don’t mean to, it isn’t what I want, but I worry that I can’t trust him to protect me when he’s the one who has caused me this kind of hurt. It isn’t like I didn’t say or do anything that wasn’t nice. I definitely did. I suppose it isn’t fair then, but that’s my point. These things are his punishment, even if it isn’t necessarily meant to be. I don’t distance myself emotionally because it’s what I want. I’m protecting myself.

Today is a brand new day. He went to work this morning. I got my kiss before he left. The knots in my stomach are nearly all gone. The hurt has lessened significantly. We will get back to us very soon. Maybe a spanking would help now?

I really can’t write much yet. To be honest, we have a lot going on today. It’s going to be busy here. I have so much to say, but it’s just not finished yet. I can’t talk about the hard stuff until I’m through it. Adam made it home late last night and I am glad for that. We were both exhausted and drained and a healthy conversation couldn’t possibly come out of that. When it’s settled, over, done, I will be able to put words down here. I know I’m probably being too sensitive. I let too much bottle up and wanted to throw it at him as soon as he got home. Not the best choice. I’m not good at pretending I’m fine when I’m not, though. Part of me is already so looking forward to tonight, when the kids are in bed and we can finally get whatever needs to be said and done over with. Part of me dreads tonight because I don’t want it to look like last night. Neither of us did a good job being husband and wife. I woke up with a splitting headache and my stomach is in knots. We have my family coming by this afternoon. We’re helping my sister get moved into her new place. The kids want to see their dad. My husband is home, but I still miss him like crazy. I hate this feeling more than anything.

I’m not going to suggest that I always give Adam an enthusiastic “yes sir”. I rarely call him “sir” if I’m being honest. It’s a skill you learn well living down where we do. Our kids know when their Mama hollers for them, “yes ma’am” is the correct response. They don’t necessarily use that phrase in every conversation between us, though. There are times when it is called for. Adam has only recently began to demand it from me during said times it might be called for. As I have mentioned before, I can be stubborn. If I’m in a cooperative mood, I might freely give him the expected “yes sir”. Other times, I attempt to refuse. The phrase “Do you understand?” Is a great example. It might take a few more smacks on my butt to even get the “yes” out of me, let alone a “yes sir”. I find it incredibly sexy when he holds me to it. Even if I might be feeling stubborn and refusing (at first) to say it. Expecting, even demanding a “yes sir” is one of the ways Adam establishes his authority in those moments. Whether I want to admit it or not, he is in charge right now and I need to let him know I recognize that. “Yes sir” is a simple, yet powerful way to do this. I think the most attractive thing Adam can do is to put me in my place when I need it. The truth is, I don’t want to be in charge of him. If I’m doubting his ability to lead well, things as small as requiring me to address him as an authority lets me know that he has, in fact, still got this.

I actually have some pretty good ideas sometimes. And I’m right about things from time to time too! I don’t want him to belittle or ignore my opinions. I just love when he absolutely requires me to share them with a respectful attitude rather than one of “authority”. I can convince him of damn near anything if I do it sweetly, respectfully. Being a rude or bitchy wife shouldn’t get me anywhere, and I recognize this when I’m calm. Reasonable, sane me understands how important all this is to me. Unreasonable me, the one filled with rage and adrenaline me, struggles. I might still believe I am right with my idea or my opinion, but I don’t believe I should “win” any arguments by belittling, insulting, or disrespecting Adam. In fact, that’s exactly the kind of crap where I need him to take charge and “put me back”. Remind me that he’s my husband, I’m his wife. He isn’t talking to me like I am to him. He isn’t belittling me in front of anyone. I shouldn’t be doing that either.

Well, I did respond to Adam’s texts yesterday afternoon. I just text him “Oh sorry, got busy and forgot about you”. He apologized about a dozen different ways and has been much better at communicating since! Things are much better today. I’m so ready for him to be home tomorrow. I realize I am probably going to pay for ignoring him, but it seemed worth it at the time.

My aunt has battled cancer for the last 2 and a half years and she passed away today. I’m feeling a little down so it’s hard to write. I have something I’ve been working on so I’ll try to finish it and post tomorrow.

Yesterday evening, Adam called for a whole 20 seconds to let me know he was done early and he and some of the guys were playing pool. I didn’t mind that at all. He told me “I promise I’ll call you at bedtime to say goodnight.” Clearly, he did not wind up following through on that. I have not answered about a half dozen phone calls from him or replied to messages yet. I fully intend to respond in awhile with “Oh, I’m sorry. I got real busy and forgot about you!” Am I mad?? Nooo why would I be upset 🙄

So anyway, this is my day, so far.

It’s happened before and it’ll almost certainly happen again. Adam has done something or said something that sets me off. Or maybe, not done something or not said something when I felt he should’ve. Typically, in situations where this results in a big argument, I’ve built myself up to that point of no return. My anger button’s been activated and there’s no turning it off for myself now. I’m not going to suggest that Adam has always handled this well. There have been times where he’s decided to “climb in the ring and box with me”, rather than just remove me from the damn boxing ring and refuse to let it go there. He has said things intended to hurt me, and he accomplishes that goal easily. However, it’s the furthest thing from de-escalating a situation that he could possibly have done. Naturally, I throw something nasty or disrespectful right back at him and we proceed to trade “punches” back and forth. As I’ve made clear, I can be incredibly sassy. I can argue like a lawyer in a Supreme Court case. By the time things have begun to simmer down, none of our words can be taken back. The hurt we’ve caused each other is irreversible. You never forget things said out of anger, even if you understand they were said in anger. Often, Adam will bring up things I’ve done or said days to weeks ago when we’re arguing. Usually, these are things even I suspected would’ve upset him at the time, but he said nothing then, so why now?? Why didn’t he do something before we got to this point? I’m left with a deep sense of disappointment both in Adam and in myself. I’ve failed to give my husband respect. He’s failed to demand it from me. I’m left lying in bed, alone, crying tears that won’t stop. I don’t have my one and only person in this world who can put his arms around me and fix this. My thoughts run wild. “Will he come back to me?” “He could’ve ended this before it was allowed to begin, but he didn’t.” “Why didn’t he just take control of the situation before we got here?” “It’s because he doesn’t care enough.” This is not our normal, but it has happened. It can take weeks, even months before I’m back to a point where I fully trust and respect my husband as the head of our home. As a leader.

In situations like this, the relief that could’ve come from him simply using his authority to tell me “enough”. And if that doesn’t work, to take me somewhere alone and show me he means it. When I’m angry, especially when he gets angry, I have this panic inside me start to bubble up. I’ve lost control, he’s lost control, and we’re never going to be good again. By forcing an end to this and requiring a calm discussion to be the only thing going further, he is reassuring me that he loves me way too much to actually let me hurt myself, him, or us. There is nothing I can do or say to push him away. The relief, the security, and the intense assurances of his love can leave such a positive impact. Rather than anger, fear, and hurt remaining after this has ended, there is a sense of resolve. It’s over. No more needs to be said. I can come away with a reminder that Adam is in charge. Whether or not I appreciate these things in the heat of the moment, it means the world to me when calmer heads have prevailed. I’m not ever thinking “Why doesn’t he just spank me til I’m sorry?” in the heat of the moment. In fact, I’m almost always doing my best to race, climb, claw my way to the “top” of this mountain so I can declare victory for myself. I’m convinced that to just get up there would be a win for me and he will grovel at my feet and accept defeat. Forgetting, ignoring the fact that, even if I do get a “win”, it’s never a win. We both lose. I should always be cheering for my husband. He should always be rooting for me. We’re on the same team! The things coming out of our mouths, the actions we take, should always be in a valiant effort to bring each other UP, not down. I am fully willing to accept Adam doing what he needs to do to prevent this from happening. In fact, I love him so much more for it. I can come away with a genuine respect and admiration for how well my husband loves and leads. This is why I write this blog. Not because I want to convince anyone that our way is the only way to live happily. Because I believe in the possibilities. I want others to see both how great things can be, and to share our struggles as well. Are we perfect, heck no! I believe with all my being that we are pretty freakin’ great together, though.

I was texting Adam last night and it was nearly 9:00pm and he was still working. Thought maybe I’d get something started. Plant the seed anyway. Unfortunately, by the time he was back to his room and able to call me, it was after 11:00pm and he was exhausted. So, I didn’t get where I was hoping to go.

I was up way too late. Found myself standing in the kitchen with a bowl of fruit loops at about 1:00am. I watched Bill Burr’s latest stand up comedy on Netflix and got some laughs. When I finally went to bed, I sent Adam one last message just to say one more goodnight, I love you. He surprised me by responding goodnight baby, why are you still up?? Apparently, he wasn’t sleeping well either. Woke up this morning to a text from Adam sent hours before I was awake good morning beautiful. I hope you got some sleep. I’m counting down the days! I’m never staying home while he’s gone for this long ever again. The kids and I could’ve gone, but my brother and his wife are here visiting for the first time in 2 years. He’s stationed in California, and away a lot, so we don’t get to see him often.

I’ve been working on a couple of other blog posts I’ll share soon. It’s harder to write with Adam away. Sort of using this like a journal or a diary this week! I’ll try to post something more relevant and interesting tomorrow 🙂

Adam calls me honey (although he always writes it “hunny”), sweetie, boo, baby, and occasionally, woman. That last one is a signal he’s annoyed or frustrated with me! Boo is the most common one, followed by Hunny. There’s something about Baby that I’ve noticed. He mostly calls me that when he’s comforting me. Maybe that’s why it means so much when he refers to me as Baby? That one always hits me different. Boo is the way he addresses me out loud. Hunny is most texts, with an occasional Sweetie thrown in. Baby is deeper. It’s what he calls me when he’s doing his best to make me feel safe, loved, and know he hears me and he’s here for me. He’s not annoyed. He’s not asking me for anything. He isn’t simply chatting about the weather. No, when he calls me Baby, he’s pulling me into his arms and holding me tight, whether he’s physically present or not. I miss him like crazy, but every text with Baby in it makes my heart happy.

It’s been years now, but sometimes, when he was away, we would send each other naughty texts. I’m considering it. Maybe I’ll tell him everything I’m going to do when he’s back and talk about all the things I want him to do to me. Maybe I’ll step it up a notch and just try phone sex? He’s much better at that stuff than I am, but it’s worth a shot!

Have I adequately described who my husband is on here? He’s easy on the eyes, of course I may be biased, but plenty of evidence has shown I’m not alone in my thinking. There’s always a girl when we’re out who’s trying to get too close to my man. I’m not the jealous type. It doesn’t bother me because I know he’s coming home with me. He never hides the fact that he’s happily married, either. He’s got great hair, although it’s thinned in the back the last few years and he’s self conscious about it. He has a beard and I love it. He has perfect teeth. A sexy voice. He is a big sports guy, particularly football. He was a local hometown football hero in high school and went on to play college football. He’s super outgoing and friendly. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like him. Although, it’s always crazy to see or hear him at work because he’s kind of a hard ass there. One of his old co workers dated my best friend for awhile and he questioned her “Adam is kind of mean! Is he like that at home with her??” Of course her answer was “NOO. He’s wrapped around her finger.” He’s never raised his voice to me, ever. He gets upset, angry even sometimes, but never mean and always calm. He is a man of his word, and everyone who knows him knows that. He’s about 6’1”, so nearly an entire foot taller than me. He’s strong and stays in shape. I’ve only seen him lose an arm wrestling match once, and he’s always being challenged. We once did one of those “punch measuring” machines where you punch the bag and it measures how hard you hit it. He won, but I actually beat out a couple of the guys…gotta brag on me for a minute here quick, too 😉

Adam works harder than anyone I’ve known. He knew from the start that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and he’s always made that possible for me. He doesn’t like to sit still very often. Our favorite TV show was “Sons of Anarchy” and he would sit and watch that every week with me. Our daughter was born on the premier of one of the seasons and we watched from the hospital that night! He enjoys a beer or two, but doesn’t get drunk. I’ve never seen him hit anyone before. A couple of times, he’s made it known he would if an idiot didn’t knock it off, but it’s never come to that. He’s never out looking for a fight with anyone. He absolutely loves his GMC Duramax pickup truck. He’s bought me every vehicle I’ve wanted. He didn’t even see our new home until we came to sign papers and get the keys. My best friend and I came to look at some houses and this one was “it”. He asked me “Is it your dream house? Is it what you want?” When I said yes, that was all he needed. He told them go ahead with the offer on it. He has loved me through some very rough shit. Some of it I put him through with my own stupidity. Some of it was just life. His college roommate committed suicide in his room and that’s haunted him to this day wondering, why didn’t I see any signs? His dad passed away of cancer the day before our wedding. His best friend passed away from cancer at 26 years old, just months after his dad. His mom is amazing. I love her so much! He has brothers. One has a small business and the other is a pilot for a regional airline. He is a great big softie when it comes to babies and baby animals, just like me. We are considering fostering children soon. We have the space and the love, so we have talked a lot about it recently.

Adam is a little more involved in the political world than I prefer to be. He’s not hateful or in any way racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. but he’s more “conservative” than I consider myself. He quit using tobacco just about 2 months ago and I’m soooo proud of him for it! He loves my cooking. I pack him lunch and snacks for work everyday, too. The guy can eat! I don’t know how he puts down so much food and stays looking like he does.

Adam is away for work this week. The first time he’s ever been gone for an entire week. I miss him like crazy. He left yesterday morning and I sent him a text about 5 minutes after he pulled away saying “I changed my mind. I don’t think you should go.” I was obviously kidding. I can’t make him stay, as much as I’d have loved to. He doesn’t want to be away anymore than I want him to be. The kids and I are eating lots of macaroni and cheese, homemade pizza, and ice cream sundaes this week since it’s just us. My son has to be the little “man of the house” while his daddy’s away so he’s responsible for cutting the grass and making sure trash gets put out on the curb for trash day. He’s so sweet, loves to take care of his mama and sister. Adam is teaching him well 🙂

Adam left this morning. It’s way too quiet.