Adam tasked our son to organize the tool shed, clean his bedroom, and do some yard work. He got up early and has finished all of his jobs. I’m running around cleaning, like a maniac. Scrubbing walls, cabinets, doors, and floorboards. We’ve got about 14 people coming here, for Thanksgiving. I’ve got everything I need to make that dinner. Tomorrow, I’ll bake the pies and deviled eggs, so they’re all done. In our family, we make mimosas and drink one while we fix Thanksgiving dinner. Then, after dinner, we sit around and play cards or board games. As long as we can all stay healthy, it should be a fun day! Our daughter is better today, but not well enough to go to school. I swear, since covid and an entire year of “virtual learning”, my kids are sick constantly. It’s like their immune systems forgot how to work.
My sister is scheduled to go in to have her labor induced, tomorrow evening! I’m so excited to meet my new baby niece!! I’m going to make some casseroles that they can just heat and eat, after they bring baby home. It’s definitely a busy week here.
Things at Adam’s work are settling down. He’s been much less stressed about all that. I have been nothing but supportive, kind, respectful, and loving. I told Adam, last night, “I want you”. He said, “I’m right here, baby”, and then pulled me into his arms. I climbed on top of him, straddling him, and said, “Let me be more clear. I want you inside of me, now”. I think that turned him on, because I’m just a little sore today. It was fun, though! I never get bored of seeing my husband’s naked body, and feeling him love me with it. His hands, his lips, his nether region. All of him. I’m always attracted to him, but he’s really starting to look good, since he’s been working out and eating better.
I’m fixing to go vacuum, sweep, and mop our floors. Adam also just reminded me about something I need to ask my dad about, so I’d better get busy. Hope y’all have a blessed day!
Our son got suspended from school, today. He got into a shoving match with another boy. The other boy told him “your mama should’ve raised you better”, and our son told him “don’t talk about my mama like that”. I guess some pushing and shoving followed. I love my little man for always wanting to stand up for me! I missed the phone call from the principal, so they called Adam. Adam heard about this before I did. I wasn’t supposed to talk to our son about it until Adam got home. Adam wanted to be a part of the whole conversation. I did my best to soften Adam up, though. Our son just became a teenage boy. He’s got hormones coursing through him. Isn’t this just what boys do?! When Adam got home, he walked in the door with a purpose. Our son was very concerned about what his daddy was going to think about all this.
We talked to him. Adam was much more “stern”, and he gave our son a list of jobs he needs to do, while he’s out of school tomorrow. I told our son, he has to learn to determine is it worth it? Is fighting that other boy worth losing his spot on the wrestling team? I told him to imagine he’s at a gas station, and some guy starts mouthing off. If you approach him, you never know what this guy might do. Maybe he’s got a weapon? Maybe, your mama will get a phone call that you aren’t ever coming home again. All because some guy mouthed off to him. I said, now imagine that you’re at the same gas station, with a cute girl you love, and this guy starts to hurt her. Is it worth it to step in, now? This is the thing he has to consider. I’ve done told everyone I know, if someone ever harms my babies, I’m fine with prison. I’m not going to go out and look for trouble, and then spend my life sitting in a cell away from my family. I will do it, though, if I have to. Life is all about figuring out the risks and rewards. My poor sweet boy was breaking my heart. I think I made a difference, talking to him like I did. I think Adam did his part, too. He put the fear of Adam into our son if this happens again without a good reason. We’ve always told our kids they can defend themselves, and we won’t be mad. My boy is really starting to grow up. Still, nothing feels better than having him feel like he can come and cry on his mama’s shoulder, when he’s having a tough time.
Jackie snuck this picture, when he came into the kitchen and needed a hug from his mama ❤️
I told Adam, he gets to be the “soft place” for our daughter. It’s as important to me that I can be that for our son. I don’t want to “baby” him. I just want him to know he can always come to me and, no matter what, he can cry on my shoulder and I will do everything I can to help him through it.
The truth is, as a parent, we’re all winging it. I’m just doing the very best that I know how to. It’s the same with marriage. I do everything I know how to, while doing my best to learn about how to do even better. I love my children from the deepest, purest part of my soul. I know Adam does, too. We just show that love to them in different ways. I’m thankful that they are growing up with both of us. Together, we make a pretty great team. I know our son did something silly today, but he’s a great kid.
Our daughter woke up with a fever and a horrible cough. Influenza is going around horribly here. I spent my morning taking care of her, and my afternoon taking care of our son. I’m about to spend the rest of the evening doing my best to love and support my husband, now. I realized, I appreciate him for allowing me to be the soft place for our son. He has to be the “hard ass”. I get to be the one my little boy goes to when he just needs a hug. That means more to me than I can describe.
Jackie and Me on our way to the show ❤️❤️Singing our song… “damn I loved that truck…”
I had a great time, last night! Going to be spending today recovering, though. Jackie and I drank a beer, on the way. Adam is always our designated driver 😉 I drank 2 beers, at the show. For some reason, that was enough to leave me feeling a little hung over, today. I was very good to Adam. I didn’t do or say a single thing to push any boundaries. We had a big group of friends who showed up, too! I needed a fun night out. We made it home before midnight, but I still feel like I could go for a nap.
I don’t have much else to report. Think I’m going to stay in my cozy pajamas all day, and go join my husband on the couch.
I forgot to mention, I won our bet! Adam lost ONE pound. I GAINED 3! Adam went from 202 lbs to 201. I went from 92 lbs to 95. In fairness, Adam’s been using our garage to work out. We’ve got a bunch of equipment and weights. He’s probably put muscle weight on. He looks pretty good, if I say so myself. Still, I won. I’m very competitive. As if that wasn’t obvious, by now? We made this bet September 8th. We had until November 8th. I was hoping to gain 10 lbs, Adam wanted to lose 10 lbs. Neither of us got that far, but I did gain more than he lost 😉
I’ve got a roast slow cooking in my crockpot, along with chopped potatoes and baby carrots. Adam had to go into work. Our son had a wrestling competition, way too early this morning. Had to have him there by 6:00am. Now, we’re just hanging out at home. After Adam gets home, we’ll get ready for our night out. I’m supposed to get up there and sing for a few songs. My dad’s playing some songs. Our friend is playing. I’m looking forward to it! We don’t get out for “kid free” nights, all that often. I’m excited to get to wear something cute and go out. I’m thinking of wearing my mustard colored sweater. The one I was wearing when Adam came home and gave me a serious spanking, a couple months ago. Just an extra reminder to treat Adam with respect, since I tend to forget that when we’re around this group of friends.
I got a text, this morning, from an old friend of mine, from back in high school. It was fun to catch up and reminisce about the old days! We were such ornery kids!! Sneaking out, going to parties, skipping school, smoking and drinking…We were the kids everybody wanted to hang out with, because we were always finding mischief and fun. Somehow, we’ve turned out alright, though! Adam got a DUI, in college. I never got into any trouble like that. He was even more wild than I dreamed of being, when he was young. Lord help us if our children ever pull the kind of crap we did. We’ve managed to raise really respectful, good kids, so far. It’s hard to imagine them acting out like we used to.
I’m fixing to go run myself a bubble bath and enjoy some quiet time. The sun’s shining today. It should be a great Saturday!
Wednesday, while I was waiting for Adam to get home, and stressing what was going to happen, I’d been texting Jackie. This was from the same conversation, that afternoon.
We didn’t talk about it, after my trip to “Adam’s office”, that night. She text me Thursday morning, to ask if everything was alright.
Thank God for my best friend! It’s pretty great having someone (other than Adam, of course) that I can talk to, who knows everything, don’t judge, and just supports me. We talked, last night. I explained that, had I simply said yes sir, on Tuesday, when Adam told me he wanted me to tell him about something, even if I don’t think I need to, Wednesday night could’ve been very different. I told Jackie, he’s not a “dick”. I don’t ever want her to think he’s mean to me. I even explained to her about how he’ll stop anything he’s doing, no matter how angry he might be, if I tell him, Adam, I’m scared. He’s never trying to hurt me. He’s helping me, and us, as a couple. If he knows that something would harm, rather than help, he will never do it. The “goal” is to make things better, not bad. I have plenty of “quirks”. Things that seem innocuous, to most folks, can be traumatizing, for me. If Adam is holding me down, my thoughts can sometimes go to a bad place. I feel like I can’t breathe. Almost as if I’m dying. It’s complete panic. He knows this. He’s always paying attention. Making sure that I’m ok, even if he’s angry. Jackie knows that Adam loves me. I just wanted to reiterate that, he is never harming me. I’m okay. ❤️
My son had a great time, at his construction contest! He got third place. He told me all about it, the whole way home. He was sooo excited! He’s got a wrestling meet, on Saturday. Then, Jackie, Adam, and I are going to the bar that our friend plays at. I’m going to get up and sing “back up” for a few songs, too. Busy Saturday, but should be lots of fun!
Adam and I had a really good talk, last night. It’s so crazy how different our brains work. The way I think, I don’t want to know about every little thing Adam had to deal with, everyday. It would drive me nuts if he came home and unloaded on me with every single piece of crap he had to handle. Of course, I want to know the important things! Of course, I want to be here for him, when things are stressful. But, I do not need, or want, my husband coming home everyday, and telling me about all the bullshit he had to worry about. For me, it’s exhausting. I love that he comes in the door, every single night, and he’s the same Adam. He leaves his troubles at work. So, to me, it feels like the right thing to do, to not ask him to carry the weight of all the troubles that I have to deal with, at home. The important things, sure! Things I’ve got handled, that seems like the kind of stuff I shouldn’t put on him. I feel protected, loved, when he leaves the little worries at work. I feel like I’m protecting my husband, when I do the same for him. It isn’t the easiest thing for me to rewire my brain so that I can tell him about everything, and not feel like that’s a bad thing to do to him. It was very helpful to talk that through, with Adam. I understand what he’s asking me to do. He understands why that isn’t always easy for me to do. Why it feels wrong, to me. I will work on it.
Adam told me that he’d been very angry, on Tuesday evening, but he wanted to give me some time. He wanted to know if I would be sorry. He wanted to see if I would be sorry for what I’d done to him, or sorry for myself. Would I recognize how disrespectful I’d been, and would I apologize? I did all of those things, yesterday. It surprised me to know that was how he felt. I guess, I thought he would’ve done something right away, if he’d been upset. He said that he didn’t think I would react well to having him call me out, while I was so angry and frustrated myself. He also told me, now that he knows I recognize how disrespectful I can be, he will not hesitate to address it, immediately. He pointed out a couple of times I’ve spoken disrespectfully to, or about, him, recently. I hadn’t even caught that! It wasn’t blatant, nasty, hateful things I’d said. I had called him a “pushover”, at my Dad’s house, the last time we were over there for a guitar night. I’d made comments that belittled him, and I wasn’t thinking about how wrong that was. Adam said, he lets too many things like that go, without confronting me about them. He isn’t going to do that, anymore.
Jackie brought a 12 pack of beer in, when she got home from work. I’d been texting her about what was going on, with Adam and me. We each sat in the kitchen and drank one. I had made a casserole that was ready to go into the oven, as soon as Adam got home. It only needed 20-30 minutes to bake. I was watching our front door camera, waiting to see Adam’s truck go past. I’d just finished my beer, when it happened. He was pulling in the driveway, as I threw my empty beer can away. I quickly grabbed one more from the fridge. I chugged that thing so fast, it was gone before he walked into the kitchen! I was so nervous.
Adam had gone into our bedroom, before he came into the kitchen, to say hello. I suspected what he was doing…Taking a belt from our closet and setting it out. He looked so sexy, when he strode in to greet Jackie and I. He had his shirt sleeves rolled up, revealing his big, strong as hell forearms. Jackie started to talk to him about all kinds of random crap. I knew she was stalling for me. Adam didn’t seem to be in a bad mood. He was smiling and chatting, like normal. Finally, he turned to me and asked me how long til supper? I explained, I just needed to throw the casserole in the oven. He said “Perfect. Let’s go step into my office.” I really did intend to go with him, willingly. I knew I deserved whatever was coming to me. For some reason, I couldn’t make my feet move, though. He didn’t wait for me to move them. He picked me up and carried me into our bedroom. The dogs had followed, and as he was shooing them out the door, I started to walk towards the door, too. I was only playing. I always try to bring, even the tiniest bit of humor, into tough moments. Adam grinned, grabbed onto my arm, and said, “Nuh-uh, Eve”.
As I’d suspected, he had a belt laid out on our bed. He bent me over our bed. I immediately flipped over, onto my back. I looked up at him. I had tears welling up, in my eyes. I told him, “Adam, I’m scared.” I do not use that phrase, often. I don’t abuse it. I never say it to take advantage of my husband’s love for me. He knows that. He pulled me up, hugging me close. I pressed my face into his chest and started bawling. He smelled so good. This was what I’d wished for, all day. Adam’s “gentle” hands. He put his hand under my chin, and lifted my face so I was looking him in his eyes. His expression was kind. He said, “Baby, you know this has to happen. I need you to understand, this is serious. I love you so much, even when I’m very angry with you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. Let’s get this over with.” He laid me back down, on our bed. He left my jeans on, and put his left hand on my back, to keep me still. He spanked me with the belt, I don’t know, at least 6 times. Then, he sat down next to me. He talked about all of the things I wrote about, at the beginning of this post. I said a lot of yes, sir and no, sir’s. I was not expecting what happened next! He pulled me over his lap, pulled my jeans and panties down, and spanked me with his hand, hard. It hurt so much worse than the belt had. After, I’d guess, a dozen of those, he was finished. I was a mess of tears, and my nose was running. My hair had been in a ponytail. It was now loosely hanging on one side of my head, with hair stuck to my face. Adam wiped my hair from my face. He stood there, just staring into my eyes. I was sobbing, and breathing like I’d just sprinted a couple miles. I looked back into his eyes. My breaths slowed. We stayed like that for, what felt like, a long time. Finally, he spoke. “Just know, this is what happens, the next time you disrespect me like that.” I replied, “Yes, sir.”
When we emerged from “the office” (our bedroom, but Adam calls it that, when I’m in trouble), Jackie had turned up the music I’d had playing, in the kitchen. She’d also preheated the oven, and then put my casserole in. It was almost finished. This tells me, we were in there for 45 minutes, or so. It’s hard to have a concept of time, when we’re in there because I’m being spanked. Jackie didn’t ask me any questions. We went on with our evening. I’m sure we’ll talk, later today. She could tell that I wasn’t ready for a conversation about how it went. I’m sure it was obvious in the way I must’ve looked, too.
This morning, I drove our son to a local event center, for a “construction contest” he’s doing. I’ll have to go back to pick him up, this afternoon. He was real excited. It was COLD, outside. My heated seats don’t feel very good on a freshly spanked bottom, though. Adam and I are good. There’s no anger or animosity. It’s a new day. This is my favorite thing about the way our marriage works. I screw up. I get lectured and punished. It’s over.
I teased Adam, last night, about how his “fan club” had been on “his side”, on my blog.
These texts, between Adam and I, pretty much sum up my day here…
I started to text Jackie because I was going crazy and needed to talk to someone else!
I think I’m fixing to find out just how hard Adam’s hands can get. Despite the way it may seem, when I write about the stupid shit I do and say sometimes, I don’t look forward to it. I don’t enjoy it, when he’s punishing me. I especially, don’t enjoy it, when he’s really disappointed in me. I don’t think I’ve made him this upset in years. I suppose, I probably have, but he hasn’t spanked me for it, in years. I guess I’ll write in here tomorrow, when tonight is finally over with. I swear, the clock is moving so slowly, because I just want it all to be done. At the same time, I’m not excited for Adam to get home from work. I am sooo, truly sorry. I wish I could rewind and redo last night. I wish I could take it all back.
Yesterday afternoon, I sent Adam a long text saying how I felt and why. The more I thought about the situation, the less sorry I felt about it. I did not feel guilty, the way I do when I agree I’ve done something wrong. Adam responded, “I understand that [Eve]. But you think I’m just going to wither away or be so stressed out I can’t function. I am the man of the house and you WILL communicate with me better about our finances. That is being a team. And before you say anything silly like what I do at work I don’t have to ok with you, I would say eat me.” Part of me was impressed! Way to go, Adam! I got chills when I first read those texts, both from fear that, maybe he really did mean it? And, it was very sexy to see him hold his ground. There was another part of me, though. That part said to herself, Oh, that’s cute, the way he’s trying to sound tough, but it ain’t gonna work. I’m holding my ground. I’m not sorry. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. I don’t even feel like he thinks I did anything wrong! If I hadn’t questioned myself, from the start, he wouldn’t even be saying all of this. He didn’t care until I opened my big fuckin’ mouth.
Look, I know the “right” thing to do would’ve been very simply, to let go of my pride and submit. To acknowledge that, Adam is asking this of me, and whether or not I agree with it, I’m going to work to give him respect by obeying him. I think I was most frustrated, because I didn’t believe he cared nearly as much as he was claiming to. I felt he was probably “pretending” to seriously give a crap about something that was not an issue, at any point. By the time he got home, I was convinced I was right. Not only about how I’d dealt with the pest company’s bullshit, but I was right that he wasn’t going to spank me, because it wasn’t a big deal!
We went in circles for awhile, and finally, I asked him what he wanted me to say, and very sassy me, in a Marilyn Monroe style voice, said, “Yes sir. Whatever you wish, dear.” I think that’s probably the most disrespectful shit I’ve said to him in months. Looking back, I can’t believe I was brave/stupid/disrespectful enough to actually do that! This morning, writing this, I do feel pretty awful for speaking to my husband like that. I was a lot of things wrong, yesterday. Things I don’t want to be. Disrespectful, number one! Disobedient, number two. I failed to allow Adam to lead.
By refusing to just do as he said, I went against everything I’m trying to accomplish. My head is a mess. My heart is a mess. My emotions are a mess. I honestly think either, in my refusal to comply, I convinced him that maybe I was right. Or, he was afraid to be too hard on me, and he didn’t want to be a jerk. I don’t want him to be mean!!! I’ve been so very proud of how calm and careful he’s been, even when he’s really angry with me. The way he can still show me love, even when he brings out his “hard hands”. That makes me respect the hell out of him! I just didn’t believe he was serious about what he was saying to me. I didn’t believe I needed to tell him about a non existent bill we didn’t have to worry about. I could handle it.
I’m feeling guilty. Not about the pest company crap. About how I diminished my husband’s power and authority. Of all the shitty things I’ve done, over the last several months, this tops my list. I know how deeply I want my husband to feel confident enough to lead well. I know how important it’s been to him, and to me, that I show him respect, even and especially, when it’s hard for me to do that.
We still haven’t really “finished” that conversation. Adam didn’t punish me or even get a chance to do much. We had a family emergency that came up. That took immediate priority. We went to bed late. I slept in his arms, like always. He tucked the blankets around me, when he got up. He gave me a kiss on my forehead, before he left for work. I have sent him a, very long, text message, acknowledging all of the ways I was wrong, last night. I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen. This isn’t what I want for us. I wish I could take back the way I acted. I can’t explain why I can be so stubborn!? I did start my period, this morning. Not that I can just blame my hormones rather than myself. I had been doing such a great job. Yes, I sometimes do silly shit that I shouldn’t. I haven’t been so incredibly disrespectful in a very long time, though. I feel horrible.
…like coffee needs a cup, you know that it ain’t much good without it. We were meant to be together. No doubt about it. This old Neal McCoy song, is Adam and my “song”. We had our first dance together, as a married couple, to this song.
My daughter went with me on a few errands, the other day. She told me about a dream she had, the night before. She said she dreamed that her daddy cheated on mama and her and her brother were “beating him up”. She told me, “I know daddy would never do that to you. I don’t know why I dreamed that?” I assured her that her daddy and I aren’t going anywhere. She said, “y’all are meant for each other”.
So many of the people close to my babies have divorced parents. I can only think of one friend Mj has, who’s parents are still together. Adam’s dad passed away before the kids had a chance to know him. My parents are divorced. Jackie doesn’t have her parents. Jackie is divorced, but she isn’t a parent. My sister’s husband’s parents are divorced. Most all of my kids’ friends split their time between their mom and dad’s houses. That poor baby is so afraid that’ll happen to her one day. Adam and I are both committed to making sure that neverhappens, though. I will fight like hell to never have my babies have to come from a “broken” family. I told my daughter yesterday, that tree we buried her rats under, it’s a young tree. It’s going to grow up and the circle of life will make it so that her pets become part of that tree. One day, she’ll come home, with her babies, and they’ll stand under the shade of that tree. I pray my kids are able to come home to their momanddad, for a long, long time.
Having said all that, I’m frustrated with Adam, today. We have a couple of different pest control companies we’ve hired. One of them is just for termite protection. The other one, is for keeping things like spiders, fleas, mosquitos, etc. out of the house. The termite company has been amazing. The other one, beyond annoying. I regret that I signed a year long contract with them. They were supposed to be coming out 5 times per year. IF we still had any issues, between scheduled visits, they’d come out free of charge. I hired them in August. They have been here 3 times, already. Each time, we’ve been charged. I never even requested they come out for any of those. I got a text, a couple weeks ago, saying they were scheduled to come by again. We haven’t had issues with bugs or anything. I told them, NO. I’m not going to have them come out, for the fourth time in 3 months, and then turn around and charge me another $129! I got another text, today. He asked me when is a good time to reschedule? I explained all of this to him. They’re coming in December now. I got it worked out. I told Adam about all of this, this morning. Then, he asked me why I hadn’t said anything to him before today. I told him, I had it under control. I handled it! I felt proud of myself for standing my ground with those guys! Adam feels like I should’ve told him, when this all started to become an issue, weeks ago. I didn’t think it was necessary to dump stupid crap like this on him, especially with the stress he’s got due to end of the year stuff at work. I knew I could figure it out, and I did. I assured him, if it had become a problem that I couldn’t solve myself, I’d have come to him. I would have! He insists that he’s repeatedly asked me to keep him updated and involved in all financial matters. I get that, but this wasn’t a bill! I don’t know. Unless I can talk my way out of it, before he gets home, he’s going to spank me tonight. I think that’s excessive, though. I handled the bullshit myself. I’m capable of dealing with things, too. I love Adam so much, but he can sure drive me crazy, sometimes. I’m struggling not to send a string of angry text messages to him, right now.
Also, it’s absolutely freezing cold here, today! It’s dreary and wet and cold. I need some sunshine. Lord, please help me not to lose my shit.
My family is very “artistic”. My grandma paints. My dad’s sister illustrated children’s books and made a cartoon featured in some newspapers. My dad writes music, plays guitar, and he does carvings that are very exclusive. I loved to draw. Specifically, charcoal drawings of faces. I used to do water color paintings, too. I haven’t painted or drawn in a long time. I lost all of my artwork that had been in competitions to a flood we had, years ago. I now enjoy doing makeup, hair, and nails. I do all my friends finger and toenails. I love to paint creative designs on them. I also cut hair. I’ve never been to beauty school, I just enjoy it, and I’m decent at it. I cut Adam and our kids’ hair. I’ve cut my sister’s hair. I cut Adam’s dad’s hair, when he was fighting cancer. I was so nervous, because I knew he was very particular about his hair, but he was happy with it.
I cut Adam’s hair, yesterday. I started to tell him “you look much…”, he said “younger?” To tell the truth, I was going to say more presentable, but yeah sure, let’s go with younger! I told Jackie about this, and she made a point to, casually, mention that he looked younger, with his hair cut. I think we made his Sunday!
I had worn Christmas colors, in my outfits, all weekend. I had watched a couple of Christmas themed movies. I’d started to plan our “25 Days of Christmas” activities. I was listening to my Christmas playlist, in the kitchen, Sunday afternoon. My son came in, and he made a comment, poking fun of me for my choice of music. This was one of many remarks made over the last several days by Adam and our kids. I guess I had just had enough, because it made me grumpy. I changed to a different playlist, not full of Christmas songs. I thought to myself, my family has successfully sucked the joy and excitement out of me. A few minutes later, Adam came in for something. He started to tease me, but it was obvious I wasn’t playing along. He asked me if I was grouchy? I told him yes. He asked me if a kiss would make it better? I said no, not right now. I did not lose my cool. I didn’t raise my voice or cuss anybody out. I stayed in the kitchen and did my best to feel better. It wasn’t until evening, when Adam and I went to take our shower, I opened up about what was bothering me. I often need some time to gather my thoughts. It never works well when I attempt to share them while I’m worked up and angry. I was calm, rational, and no longer so upset. I told Adam, “y’all really hurt my feelings this weekend”. I explained how it felt like my happiness and excitement was being poked fun of. I told him, he has no idea that, moments before he walked into the kitchen to give me grief about what Christmas thing I was planning out now, I’d been sitting on the floor, in an absolute panic. I’d written about this dish scrub brush my mother gave me. It was the last “gift” she ever gave me. It wasn’t wrapped up for Christmas or anything. It was just something she gave me because she knew I used things like that. It was thoughtful. It means a whole lot to me. I couldn’t find it. Something inside me needed to see that it was still there, under my sink. Only, when I looked, I couldn’t find it. I was melting down, for a minute there, before he walked in. My kids are teasing me about my love of Christmas because they see and hear their daddy do it. I needed him to really understand why I try so hard to make it a special time. I needed him to see that, just because I’m smiling and dancing in the kitchen, does not mean there isn’t deep pain that I’m doing my very best to replace with happiness and joy, for my family. I never want to dampen their experiences because of my past. It’s important to me that I give them fond memories of their mama. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that I love Christmas! I was hurt that my family didn’t seem to appreciate how much effort and energy I put into trying to make it special for them, every year. It’s not about me. I want to make them smile. They seemed to treat it all like a joke. That hurts.
I didn’t raise my voice or get sassy and snarky, while I explained all this to Adam. I fought to keep my composure, and not bawl my eyes out, because I truly didn’t want to make Adam feel terrible. I simply needed him to see my side of this, when I’m being relentlessly picked on because I’m excited and happy about making the season special for my family, as if that’s something I should refrain from. As if, I’m silly for trying so hard, for putting so much effort into this, for laughing, even though I could cry, if I focused on things like that dish scrub brush for too long. Adam felt horrible. I mean, so awful, I felt sorry for him. My goal was not to tear him down. He, clearly, understood what I’d wanted him to, though. I leaned into his chest and he put his arms around me. I told him, “I don’t want to make you feel bad. Just please appreciate these things, at least more than you make fun of me for them.” He told me he and our son would be glad to hang the outdoor lights next weekend. He assured me that nobody would be taking my hard work for granted, anymore. That made me feel a lot better. Also, I found the scrub brush. It was buried in a box. I’d missed it, probably because I was so panicked. I still have it, though. It’s safe and sound.
Chronicles in Submission 