Me & My Big Mouth

I opened my big mouth. I said something to Adam that was not, exactly, or even remotely, respectful. He told me, “This is your one warning. It’s the only pass I’ll give you.” I could see that he was struggling with whether it was the right decision to let me slide, even just this once. I was good with it, though. Later, after we’d gone to bed, this came up again. I repeated the thing I had said, earlier, and decided to elaborate. I added some extra “glitter” to something Adam already did not appreciate… He wasn’t amused. He told me he couldn’t let this go. I panicked and told him that felt a lot like “double jeopardy”! He couldn’t put me on trial for the same crime! He wouldn’t bend, this time. He started to climb out of bed. I grabbed onto him and held my arms around his neck, and my legs around his waist, like a damn baby monkey on its mama. I begged him “NO! I don’t want to sleep on my stomach! Pleeeease don’t!” He just said, “I have to.” He held up his hand and told me he could use his hand or his belt. I swear, his hands turn to stone, when he’s punishing me with them. I wouldn’t make that choice, this time. His hand hurts like hell, too! More than the belt ever really has. Even though I know, deep down, the belt could do way more damage, if he wanted it to. He walked toward our closet, where the belts were. I’m still straddling him, doing my best to stop him, but getting nowhere. I jumped down when he opened the closet door. I ran to our bed and jumped onto it. He came toward me, carrying that mother fucking belt in his hand. I continued to plead with him. He told me to turn over. I said no. He pulled me up, his hand under my arm, so that I was standing, facing him. He swung the belt once, twice, three times. I, somehow, wound up on the floor. He rolled me over, onto my belly, and gave me one more.

He took his belt back to the closet while I sat up, on the floor. I tucked my knees up under my chin and laid my head on my knees. He came back to me and told me that he’d caught the belt on his own leg that first one, and it would’ve done a lot more damage, had he not done that. The truth was, it hadn’t hurt that much. The belt scares me so badly, though. I was breathing heavy and fighting myself not to let any tears come. He knows how afraid of that belt I am. He also knows how easily I can bruise. He never wants to seriously harm me. It seems that he goes back and forth between, either feeling like he was too harsh, or too soft. I sat on the floor, with my head resting on my knees, until he reached down and picked me up. He put me up on our bed. Then, he climbed in and covered both of us up. He pulled me into his arms while I continued to breathe heavily and worked to calm myself down. We didn’t say anything more. I woke up twice, through the night. Both times, I laid there and let myself cry in the dark. I’m not sure if I can explain the things I felt. I just needed to let myself cry.

This morning, I texted Adam and I told him I was sorry. He wrote me back thank you. Awhile later, I sent another text message with a more elaborate description of why I understood I was wrong. He text me we’re good. I wrote, ok. He replied, seriously, baby. And, that was the end of that.

I hate his belts. Yea. It’s plural now. Two belts. Equally terrifying. Also, I need to learn how to quit while I’m ahead. I do “push it”, with Adam. We’ve discussed this. He understands that it isn’t always easy for me to realize I’m losing my power, with him. He isn’t afraid of me, at all. It’s such a mixture of emotions, for me. Frustration and comfort. Fear and security. He’s, most certainly, assuring me that he is here, there, and everywhere. I can try to push him away, but he will stand firm. I can attempt to pull away from him, but he will hold me close. These recent spankings are no joke. I have two marks on my upper thigh leftover from that belt. Adam isn’t fooling around. I think I’m starting to realize this. Holy hell. I do have a high pain threshold. This doesn’t make it easy for Adam. I have still never cried from the physical pain of a spanking. It’s what it does to me, emotionally, that gets me. Adam always tells me that he gets no pleasure from seeing a bruise on my behind leftover from a spanking he’s given me. Having said that, I’m pretty certain that if I lie to him, or even “sidestep” the truth again, there’s a good chance I end up with an even worse looking butt the next day! I feel like, the next time I’m in trouble, I’ll probably start bawling before the first smack on my behind. I’m no longer afraid about what he might do. I’m afraid of what he will do.

Turning the Tables

Adam can get frustrated with me when I repeat the same mistakes that he’s asked me not to. Things he’s punished me for, Lord only knows, how many times. I’ve tried to explain myself to him. I’ve suggested that, it’s like someone asking you to never step forward with your left foot first. At first, you don’t even realize you’ve done it. Eventually, you get to a point where you can catch yourself, right after you’ve done it. Finally, you learn to make it part of your everyday life to always lead with your right foot. Only occasionally forgetting this. This is how I, genuinely, feel about things like “sidestepping the truth”. It’s just not an overnight fix. I feel that I’ve made big progress, though. I don’t do it to Adam but maybe a fraction of the times that I used to. I understand why he continues to call me out when I do it. I just want him to understand that I am trying to do better.

I had a realization, the other day. There are things that he does, that I have repeatedly asked him not to do. He is terrible about wearing his seatbelt. He drives on an interstate that has multiple accidents daily here. I need my husband to come home safe. Our kids need him to get home safe! I even get onto him about the example he’s setting for our kids. Our son is going to think it isn’t “manly” to wear his seatbelt. Neither of us want that to happen. Still, Adam almost never wears one. It dawned on me that this was a great example to throw back to Adam. A perfect way to show him how I feel, sometimes.

It worked like a charm! He’s been putting his seatbelt on and, when he forgets, he tells me about it. Now he has something that he is working to change in his daily life. It isn’t easy to remember not to forget every single time! I’m hoping that this will help him to see that I don’t screw up just because I feel like being an asshole. It happens without my realizing it, most always. Catching myself, and then confessing to him, are huge steps in the right direction. I’m not suggesting that he isn’t right to punish me. Really, I just hoped that he might be a little less discouraged when I mess up…again, and then again.

Typical Fun Ass Weekends in the 615

At the bar my friend sings and plays at a lot

I didn’t get ANY good pictures, last night, at my Pop’s place. We usually have so much fun when we get together with our friends. Unfortunately, I was disappointed with the way last night turned out. I was good! Jackie had way too much to drink and got belligerent. I love her to death, but I cannot stand the stupid shit said and done when there’s too much alcohol involved. She treated a lot of people badly, including Adam. He never raises his voice to my friends, but he definitely put his “dad voice” on and told her “DROP IT, NOW”. I’m disappointed in her for the way she acted. To top it off, she got in her car and took off driving, at about 1:00 this morning. That makes me angry as hell. She hasn’t been home, yet. I know she’s okay, though, because she’s been active on social media. My sister has kept me updated.

Even before we started our evening, my dad sent me an email my “mother” had sent him.

The email was full of some hateful shit, like usual. But, we’re concerned she is going to do something that would really hurt my sister. My very pregnant and already over emotional sister. So, we’re trying to navigate this carefully, without involving my sister. She doesn’t need to worry or stress about some hypothetical bullshit our “mother” might do…

So, I’m kind of grumpy and sad, today. The only good news is, I did absolutely nothing to get myself into trouble! I did yell at Jackie, but Adam isn’t upset with me for it. I’m not going to pretend like I’ve never had too much to drink before, but it is just so frustrating trying to reason with an intoxicated person. You can’t do it. I get flashbacks to my mother and the way she would talk to us. The things she was willing to do to hurt us, while she was drunk and high. It isn’t easy not to completely lose my shit when that happens. All I wanted to do was to have a great night listening to and playing some guitars, and singing some songs with friends. 99/100 weekends with friends in Nashville are a blast. Every once in awhile, it just doesn’t work out like we planned. That was not my fault, this time. I don’t believe I have anything to apologize for.

New Tattoo

My daughter drew a heart on my hand, last night. It occurred to me, I could get a heart tattooed on my hand exactly as she drew it. Then, I thought, I could have my son draw one next to it, so I have one from each. I think I might just do it! I never get a tattoo right after an idea. I have to let it sit for awhile and make sure there is no reason I might change my mind. I like the idea, a lot, though.

Just need my son to add his heart next to it.

Adam is at work. Last night, he informed me that he would be wearing his belt when we go over to my Pops place. Told me I need to be able to see that reminder. He is well aware that, a few beers and a bunch of my friends, can sometimes spell trouble. What can I say? He’s not wrong. I had gotten a comment from someone about my post from yesterday, and I shared it with Adam, while he was still working.

The weather here has been so weird. It dropped down into the thirties all last week. Now, the LOWS are 50s and 60s, which is warmer than most the HIGHS from last week. I’m glad for it to be nicer! I got up this morning, and the house smelled like it does in the Spring. Just a few days ago, I cut our furnace on, and it smelled like Winter. Oh well. Not going to complain if it’s trending warmer. I hate the cold.

I have some errands to run, and the kitchen is a mess. Going to try to get everything I need to done, so I have plenty of time to get ready for tonight. I have every intention to have a great time with my husband and our friends and family. Nothing but good vibes, over here.

What About Us?

Yesterday, I was in the mood to bake. I made some apple crisp and baked some chocolate chip cookies. I’m like a “Suzy Homemaker”, apron and all. Except that, the music I have playing, in the kitchen, is Samson “What About Us”, followed by songs like ACAL “Gumbo” and “Hallelujah”….Not the 1950s housewives type of songs you’d hear 😆

Today is Friday! Adam works tomorrow, and then we’re going over to my Pops place for some barbecued ribs, and then, a fun guitar night outside with our friends. I’ve been looking so forward to it! My only worry, is that, nights like this, with a bunch of our friends, I tend to get extra sassy toward Adam. I don’t know why? I guess I’m just showing off because our friends see me as a “bad bitch”. As in, tough, bossy, tell it like I see it. They’re not wrong. I shouldn’t talk to Adam like that, though. He’s let it go, most always. Lately, though…I have a feeling that’s not going to happen. I’m going to try extra hard to be respectful to Adam. The last thing I want, is to get picked up and carried off to get a spanking! He never wants to embarrass me, but he also isn’t tolerating my bullshit, so I’m fairly certain he would do it. There’s generally a warning. He will tell me “keep it up”. This pretty much means, “fuck around and find out”. I’d rather not.

The weather here is looking like it’s going to be a gorgeous weekend. Here’s hoping it’s nothing but happy and fun for everybody!

I’m Not a “Submissive”

I’m a little bit confusing, sometimes, even to myself. I’m just not one of those ladies who’s, very often, cool with saying “whatever you say, dear”. I’m very stubborn, hard headed, incredibly sassy. I’m actually pretty good at being funny. I make my family and friends laugh, a lot. They also know me as someone who ain’t afraid to tell ya what I think. I have no problem standing up for myself or the people that I love. I didn’t seek out a man like Adam. At least, not consciously? I never had to ask him to be who he is. He’s never asked me not to be who I am, either. He knows damn well how I roll! I think he’s attracted to it, most times. He’s never suggested that he wants to “change me”. He wants me to treat him the same way as I, honestly, want to treat him. It’s what I want when the rational, calm, reasonable, sane “me” is in charge of my thoughts and my actions.

In a way that’s difficult to explain in words, I think that I subconsciously want people to fear me. Like, I need them to know they can’t fuck with me. I will fight you, and I will win. That’s not to suggest that I haven’t lost any “fights”. That’s the point. If a dog growls and barks, most people are afraid and just stay the hell away from them. It often works to just appear intimidating. This is built into me. I defy anyone who tries to tell me to do something I don’t want to do. These things make it difficult for me to “allow” Adam to lead if I don’t feel like it. It truly isn’t because I think it’s funny to be an asshole. I don’t enjoy disappointing my husband. I might be even more proud of myself, when I do something right, that was hard for me, than Adam is! It takes a whole lot for me to “submit” to him, even in small ways, sometimes. I do want to! I love to make Adam feel good. Good about me, and especially about himself. He’s probably the most patient man I’ve ever known. Thank God, because I would frustrate the living hell out of most guys who expect a wife who follows their lead. That just ain’t me, always. Sometimes it is. I can be the things both Adam and I are looking for. I have to work so hard to get there, though. This is why I used the analogy about the bag of marbles and how, Adam pulls one out every time I screw up, and eventually, I’ll run out of marbles. Then what? Will he throw his hands up and say “she’s never going to get there”, and walk away? You’d think these fears would encourage me to stop screwing up! It’s just not that easy!

I truly do appreciate that he’s calling me out. I don’t always enjoy it, but I do appreciate it. There are times, just hours after he’s spanked me for something, I’ll fucking do it again, and I’m in my own head thinking “what the hell is wrong with you?!” I have to decide whether to be honest, which is very important to both of us, or whether it’s too dangerous to admit this screw up, now? I’m not going to pretend like I’m not afraid of what might happen to my behind, because I definitely am, but I’m also deeply afraid that he will be so disappointed, so frustrated, he will give up on me. If I hold a secret in, even one so stupid that it’s ridiculous, it eats away at me so bad. For reasons I don’t even understand, I’ll get angry. I’ll take it out on, of all people, Adam. Stupid? Yes. Logical? Nope. But, it’s what the hell I do!

I worry that maybe Adam will start to pay too much attention. Maybe he’ll start to see things in me that he can’t “fix”. I understand that I’m never going to be perfect. That’s impossible. I just worry that my imperfections will be so highlighted, he’ll think I’m too much. These are my thoughts when I have to tell him I did something that I know he isn’t going to be happy about. Well, I think about what he’s going to do, too. Like, how mad is he, really? Am I going to have to sleep on my stomach? Is he just trying to scare me, and my ass is fine? Did I fuck up so bad, that now he’s just done trying? He can assure me every five minutes that he won’t give up on me, and it still doesn’t seem to change this thought process for me. We were trying to figure out an approximate amount of times we’ve had sex, the other night. We guessed somewhere around 4,000 times. Even still, sometimes, I worry that he won’t find me attractive. So, by that logic, I may screw up and get 4,000 spankings and still be afraid he’s going to get tired of my bullshit!

I think I have made big improvements. I have brought so much more to Adam than I would’ve ever done, not too long ago. I do trust him. My gosh, I really do. Why can’t I trust that he won’t leave me the next time I screw up? That’s dumb. I know it. Logical, rational, sane me knows it. There’s this piece of me that I can’t quite seem to “fix”, or maybe “heal”?

I don’t know if I’ll ever stop doing the shit I do. My realistic goal, is to do it much less. Believe it or not, I am getting there. It’s kind of sad how much unacceptable crap I have been accustomed to doing, until recently. Adam is insisting that I don’t keep doing some of the things that I’ve literally always done. I can’t change, overnight. That doesn’t mean I’m not trying to do better. To be better. I am.

Tuesday Wasn’t Monday

Adam and my text messages from Monday were not as light hearted and fun as they were yesterday!

Tuesday was a much better day.

I was in an ornery mood, yesterday afternoon. Then, last night, Jackie and I sat and watched a bunch of her old TikTok’s from game nights we had the last few years. When the weather gets cold, we will have a bunch of family and friends over and play games. Some of them are hilarious to play with a group. We love the shenanigans! We were having so much fun watching those, Adam finally had to come in and tell me it was time to go take our shower, because it was getting late. We always have good talks when we’re showering. I told Adam that, I sometimes feel afraid that I’m too much. Like, there’s a bag of marbles and, every time I get in trouble with him, one of them is taken out. Eventually, you run out of marbles. He assured me that was not the case. That he would never give up on me. He reminded me of how often I do things right, and that, I’m human, I’m going to fuck up. I needed to hear that.

Today, I’m heading to my sister’s house to help her work on my baby niece’s nursery. Miss PJ will be here in just a few weeks! My poor sister is so heavily pregnant and swollen and miserable. I went through a phase, a couple years ago, where I was really wanting to have another baby. Adam finally told me, “if you really want to, let’s do it”. Then, I panicked and told him, it’s much easier when you say no! I’m excited to have my baby niece close by. Now, I can get my “baby fix” without having to go through the hard stuff my sister is!

Mysterious New Belt

I know I already posted today, but I have to write about this…

Yesterday afternoon, Adam told me “don’t even think about hiding my belt”. I had already hidden it away. I replied “or what? You’re gonna spank me with the belt you can’t find?”

After he had spanked me (with his hand), he walked over by our laundry hamper and brought out another belt. At first, I asked “you found it??” Then, I could tell it wasn’t the belt because I saw the hook on it wasn’t the same. I let out a sigh of relief, until he informed me this one would hurt, too. He had it in his hand the entire time he sat in front of me, on the floor, talking. He did not spank me with it, thankfully. He did, however, make me give him back the belt. I didn’t spend anymore time wondering about it, until this morning. As I was taking our bedding off the bed so I could throw it in the wash, I looked on top of Adam’s dresser and noticed two belts. I remembered the one from last night. As I examined it, I realized it is actually THICKER and HEAVIER than the belt is! Now, I knew he used to have a worn out old one, but I thought we’d gotten rid of it. This one is neither worn out, nor old. I have no clue where Adam got it.

The one in front is *the* belt. The one behind it is the mystery belt.

Did I Deserve It? Yes. I Guess.

I always pay our bills on Fridays. This past Friday, though, I was busy packing and getting ready for our weekend trip. I’d decided to put that off until Monday. Yesterday morning, I opened my planner and started to pay bills that were due. I’ve never ever been late on anything before. Unfortunately, I hadn’t looked on Friday to see that our water and gas bill was due that day. Apparently, there is no grace period, either, because I got hit with a “late fee” of just over $20. I texted Adam and I told him the truth about it. He informed me that would earn me a spanking. I argued that I never do things like that, it wasn’t intentional! He didn’t back down. I told him that I didn’t keep it from him, even though I could’ve. I was honest with him. He said that he appreciated that, but I still needed to be held accountable. I said, I know, that’s what the stupid $20 late fee is!! He responded with a lecture about how I basically took a half an hour worth of his paycheck and “set it on fire”… I actually started to get angry. I didn’t feel he was being fair. I have to admit, I’m impressed with how calm Adam remained, despite my growing frustration being made known to him through various text messages. I ended with if you think you’re going to spank me when you get home, you’re out your mind. Angry “Eve” will come out! All he wrote back was lol, k. Hold my beer. “Hold my beer” basically means, “just watch me”.

When he got home, I was in the kitchen talking to Jackie and fixing supper. He gave us his usual hello and gave me a kiss on my forehead like he always does. I gave him some “side eye” to make sure it was clear that I was not giving in. We all sat at the table and ate supper. Then, Jackie sat in the kitchen with me while I was cleaning up and fixing Adam and the kids lunches for the next day. I hadn’t told her about any of this stuff between Adam and I, yet. Adam was hanging around, which he doesn’t typically do. This told me that, any minute now, he was going to tell me to go to our room with him. I tried to ignore him and pretended he wasn’t bothering me. Then, it happened. He grinned and said “step into my office, we need to talk”. This means, come to our bedroom with me, you’re getting a spanking. I did my best to look and sound stern, and I told him no. He started walking toward me and I sat down on the floor. I don’t know whyyy I do that sometimes, because I am very well aware that it does no good. Adam just scooped me up in his arms and threw me over his shoulder and brought me into our bedroom. I heard Jackie call out “WHAT DID YOU DOOO?!” I was too busy trying to escape my husband’s grip to respond, though. I really didn’t think it was fair to spank me. I’d told the truth. This was a first offense! I’ve never fought so hard to get out of a spanking before. Adam locked our door and put me down on the floor. I, once again, sat down. He started to try to talk to me about why he felt that I did deserve this. I wasn’t having it. I was being stubborn and I gave him attitude in every response. Finally, he just picked me up, off the floor, and bent me over our bed. I tried to crawl up and out from under his arm that was pinning me down. He began to spank me with his hand, which I did not appreciate, so I continued to give him attitude and sass. This didn’t help my situation. He pulled my leggings and panties down so now I didn’t even have those to cushion the swats landing on my behind. He was not spanking me with the kind of intensity that he had used when I had last “side stepped” the truth to him. He was, however, giving me a whole lot more swats a whole lot faster. This tends to hurt more, in the moment, and then it passes within hours. While those hard as hell ones leave a hurt that lasts for days. He was getting my attention. He knew when I’d finally submitted and given up fighting him. He still gave me a few more. When he relaxed his grip on me, I dropped to the floor. He sat down in front of me. He told me “look, I expect three things from you, always. Number one, respect. Number two, honesty. Number three, do your job taking care of things at home.” I had been honest. I had not done what I should’ve done at home, and I certainly had not been respectful after he’d called me out for it. I understood that. I really did. It was still difficult for me to admit that I deserved that spanking, though. Adam spent a long time talking with me, making certain that I truly understood the why of it all. Making sure that I had heard him, and his message had gotten through to me. I know he was frustrated with my defiance, but he’s so good at staying calm and even toned. He has a serious tone, the “dad voice”, but he isn’t yelling or cruel. After about an hour of this, I relented. I’d dropped the attitude right away following the spanking. I had held my position that I didn’t think it was fair to spank me for the late fee, though. He repeated his reasoning over to me until I couldn’t argue it any longer. I gave in. He “won”. He told me he was fair. Told me that he hadn’t spanked me that hard, and that my attitude should’ve gotten me much worse than he gave me. This, I can’t argue with.

Things were good the rest of the evening. I came back out to the kitchen and texted Jackie to come up and have a beer with me. She brought up 2 beers from the garage fridge and we sat and talked awhile. I explained why I’d been in trouble. Funny enough, she actually understood Adam’s position better than she does most times I wind up in trouble! She’s always sympathetic with me and my point of view, but she didn’t think he was wrong for feeling the way he did. When we’d finished, she went down to her apartment and Adam and I went to take our shower. We talked even more. I think it was hard for Adam to have to discipline me while I so strongly disagreed about deserving it. He needed to know that I was no longer resisting his reasoning. I wasn’t. We had some great “make up sex” and went to bed.

This morning, I was showing Adam that the house was only 61 degrees when I’d woken up. The heat came on!

Home Sweet Home

Adam, the kids, and I left Friday afternoon for our visit to his Mom’s house. We made it in just about 9 hours, which is pretty good considering interstate traffic don’t always like to cooperate. We got there in the middle of the night and got a few hours sleep. We spent Saturday with his mom, his two brothers, and our niece and nephew, who are our kids age. The kids are all very close and talk nearly everyday on FaceTime or one of their online games they’ll play. When we get together, they always have a blast! Everyone is scattered in different states, so it’s not very often that we get to see Adam’s whole family all together.

Our son with our niece & our nephew with our daughter behind them.

Much happier looking daughter in the driver’s seat here!

The trip home went smooth as the trip there, except my behind was much more comfortable on the way home. There’s still some remnants of the bruise I’d been given along my right hip and thigh. I was so ready to be back home by the time we finally pulled into our driveway! We had a great time with Adam’s family, but I was done sitting in a box on wheels, weaving in and out of traffic. I don’t know how Adam does that everyday?!

It wasn’t easy to pry my eyes open and force myself to get up out of bed when my alarm woke me up, this morning. It’s back to work and school. I might even go turn on the TV and lay on the couch for awhile!