Old Habits Die Hard I Guess

On Tuesday afternoon, I finally sent Adam text messages about something I had neglected to tell him about the day before. It didn’t exactly go well…

I knew his patience was pushed past the limit when he barely replied to me, except to say things like, “we will discuss this when I get home”, or “I’m floored right now”. It’s difficult for me to even write about this here. I’m ashamed to admit that I “side stepped” something again. I didn’t realize what I had done until it was too late to take it back.

I was so nervous for Adam to get home. I felt like such an asshole because he made it very clear to me how much I’d hurt him. He didn’t text near as much as usual. He didn’t ignore me, but I couldn’t soften him up at all. It was obvious in his responses to me. When I knew he’d be getting home anytime, I watched our outdoor camera from the kitchen and waited for his truck to pull into our driveway. My heart skipped a beat when I finally saw him arriving home. I stood in front of the stove finishing supper and held my breath. I had worn a cute Fall sweater and blue jeans that make my butt look good. I had my tall wedge sandals on and had straightened my naturally curly hair so that it looked extra long and pretty. Adam later told me that he was very angry when he walked in the door, but when he rounded the corner and saw me in the kitchen, I looked so beautiful he couldn’t help but smile. He asked me if I wanted to “do this” now, or later? I told him I had supper almost finished, can we wait until after? He said sure, let’s eat. After I’d dished up the kids plates, he handed me one and told me to get something to eat. Surprisingly, I actually did eat some supper, despite my stomach being tied in knots. I cleaned the supper dishes while the kids went to take showers and do their homework upstairs. Adam came in and waited for me to finish loading the dishwasher. When I was finished, he took my hand and led me into our bedroom. After he’d closed our door, he gestured toward our bed and, when I looked over, he had laid out his belt and a wooden spoon. He informed me that I had three choices. The belt, the spoon, and he held up his hand. I started to panic and couldn’t respond with anything but a head shake. He said “ok, then the belt it is”. I said NO! I threw the belt off the bed and toward our bathroom, as far as I could get it out of the way for the moment. Then, I had two more choices. The spoon, or his hand. This was a struggle. The spoon doesn’t hurt that bad, or it hasn’t yet. However, I figure that his hand can at least feel how hard he’s spanking me. I had only a brief period of time to think this through and I wound up taking his hand in my hands and signaling to him that was what I’d decided on. He laid me down on the bed, facing him, and immediately started to unbutton and unzip my jeans. I wasn’t fighting him too much, that I recall anyway. He turned me over and pulled my jeans down past my thighs. When he asked me if I was ready, all I could do was wimper and push my face into our bed. He proceeded to spank me with force that I haven’t experienced before. One of his swats landed so perfectly hard in the same spot as the one before, my knees buckled and I fell to the floor. I put my head down and fought not to let any tears escape. He gave me a second before he leaned down and told me I had one more coming. I said noooo. He replied “yep” as he stood me up and gently laid me back over the bed. I thought, in that moment, about how soft his voice had been, and how gently he had helped me back up. He was using those same hands to be both soft and hard, at once. My thoughts were interrupted as I saw him raise his arm high in the air. I’m not exaggerating when I say, every time I think about this experience, I get goosebumps and I shudder. I absolutely do not want to repeat this. At the same time though, I realize how deeply I’ve been affected. I mean it so sincerely! I’ve been sore, where I can feel “Adam was here” the next day. I’ve never had to sleep on my stomach for two nights because my butt hurts too much to put pressure on it and get any sleep. I’ve believed that Adam “meant it” before, but holy hell… It was a whole other level of disappointed in me that he expressed that evening.

He asked me a question when he was finished. I sat on the bed with my pants still down to my knees and tears falling from my eyes. He was standing in front of me, making himself seem even bigger than usual, and me even smaller. My mind was blurry and I couldn’t figure whether the response should be yes sir, or no sir. The brief pause while I debated this made him think I was being stubborn and he started to accuse me of not getting the message. I begged him no! That wasn’t the case. I explained that I wasn’t sure how to answer him. He repeated the question. “Are you done keeping things from me, so we don’t have to do this again?” I said yes, sir. He sat down beside me and lifted my chin so that I was looking him in the eyes. Again, I replied yes, sir. He said, “you are always telling me you never want to become your mother, correct?” I nodded. He continued, “well, what do you think was the first thing that broke down between her and your dad? Communication. She didn’t tell him shit.” We’ve discussed this before. I’ve wondered what might’ve happened if my dad had stood up to her much sooner. If he’d have refused to allow her to continue on with her bullshit long ago. Adam was speaking to my heart and soul this time. I do not want to be like my mother. He told me to give him a kiss. I did. Then there were more tears that I couldn’t stop. He asked me if I needed a minute and I shook my head and said no. I wiped my eyes and I stood up. It was over.

I don’t even have any bruises on my behind! It hurts, a lot, though. I’m not angry with him. I don’t blame him. I honestly think he was 100% right. I’m so sick and tired of doing this over the same issue. What the hell is wrong with me?? In a way, I’m glad my ass is still reminding me to knock this shit off! I love my husband so freakin much. I feel guilty that he has to be so “hard” in order to gain my compliance. I need to just do what he’s asking. I want to. I intend to. I don’t think my behind can handle a repeat of Tuesday night again soon. I don’t want Adam to feel that he isn’t getting through to me, either. I’ve got it. I really am getting better. He doesn’t allow for any failure with this issue anymore, though. That’s exactly what he should be doing. I recognize that. Letting me get away with things like this, even sometimes, leads to more times, and then I’m here, fighting against a bad habit I didn’t know I’d picked up.

This was what I’d sent to Adam on Wednesday morning.

Yesterday evening, I wondered how he was feeling. Did he feel guilty? Proud? Still angry?

Trouble Tuesday

The back of his thigh is bruised from when Jackie smacked him with his belt last weekend. He was saying that I hurt him more than the belt could ever hurt me.

Why is it so hard to make it through a Tuesday without having one of these conversations with Adam and then getting my butt whipped?? I could not even sleep on my back last night. Adam actually got tears out of me and everything. Not sobbing, uncontrollable crying with snot and tears that won’t stop. But, I couldn’t hold back a few tears that escaped and ran down my face. I had chosen to avoid including Adam in a financial decision I made. I move money around and plan and organize constantly. He honestly does back me almost always when I want to do that. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything to him, except that I just didn’t feel like talking about it that night when I’d made that decision. I was grumpy and hormonal and I said something snarky and went to sleep with my back to Adam. I didn’t quite cross the line with him that night, but it was darned close. Then, yesterday morning, it dawned on me that I was likely getting a guilty conscience before I even realized or accepted that I’d done something wrong. That’s probably why I was so cranky. So, I told him. I laid it all out. He told me that he was most hurt that I’d let him go to sleep thinking he had done something or said something wrong. He went to bed feeling guilty for my upset. Ugh. That made me feel awful. I’ll write tomorrow about what happened after Adam got home last night. Suffice it to say, I have a serious ache in my behind today.

My Favorite People

I don’t do social media. I’m not on Facebook or Twitter or any of those things. I started this blog because I was working to be the best wife and mama I could be. I needed an outlet. It’s like therapy for me to write things down. I didn’t share my writing with Adam until very recently. He is actually super supportive! I’ve shown Jackie some of my blogs as well, and she’s been nothing but supportive. For a very long time, I was afraid to put my face to my voice on here. What if someone knew me and read my thoughts?! I’m not ashamed or afraid anymore. These are the people who keep me sane and grounded. This is me. This is my life. These are some of my very favorite people.

My son. I was eating lunch at school with him on his birthday. I always bring whatever fast food they request to eat with them on their birthday ❤️

My daughter. She got to announce for awhile at a monster jam truck show this spring. She’s my truck girl. Her favorite song is “Don’t touch my truck”, followed by anything Jason Aldean ❤️

My Pops, who I’m incredibly proud of. His success is so hard earned! And, finally, last but not least, Jackie ❤️

I am incredibly blessed, and I need to count those blessings often. I just bought a sign to go in our living room that says “I will always remember the days I prayed for the things that I have now”. I’ve wanted something large enough to take up the space between the high ceiling in the living room and our entry way. I saw that and thought it was perfect! It’s about 1.5 feet tall by 3 feet long and it says exactly what I need to be reminded of. I sometimes just wait expectantly for the next thing to “go wrong”. I worry often. I really need to just sit back and be grateful for the things I’ve got today. The people I have. The amazing life I’ve been blessed with. I have my share of heartache and tough stuff, just like everyone does. I also know darn well I have more than I ever imagined I could have out of this life. I have people who matter to me. People who love me for who I am. People who look at me and see someone I forget to remember way too often. Just more motivation to keep on keepin’ on with what I’m doing.

Controlling Ourselves

We had our neighbors and their kids over Friday evening. We made s’mores with the kids and let them all play outside on the trampoline and swing set while we sat out and talked. They’re very nice people, and their daughter is good friends with our daughter. They are “dog people” who’ve just adopted their third dog. However, I couldn’t help but feel some type a way when he kept going on and on about how pit bulls are such bad dogs. They know Oliver is a pit/lab mix. He insists it’s because he’s a mix that he’s a good boy… I so strongly disagree with that sentiment! It frustrates me to hear people who claim to love dogs not understand that pit bulls are not “bad dogs” simply because of their breed. They’re great big babies! They love kids. They’re playful and sweet. Oliver jumps on the trampoline with the kids. He understands to play more gently with our daughter when they’re doing tug of war. He absolutely loves when our friend’s 3 year old son is here. He cuddles next to him whether he’s playing or napping or watching TV. Oliver has a few pit bull friends he gets to play with sometimes, and they always play so good together! I swear…some people are idiots. I’m sorry to be so drastic, but they have no idea what they’re missing out on by writing off an entire breed of dog like that! Ok, rant over.

Saturday evening, we had a friend come by and Jackie was home. We played cornhole and then sat out around the fire pit. I’d finally talked to Jackie about how I felt about that new guy that I just don’t feel right about. This friend who was here Saturday night is a great guy who likes her a lot. She likes him too, but she has treated him crappy simply because he has allowed it from her. Adam has had conversations with him about his needing to stop being afraid to stand up to Jackie. I’ve even made a few comments while we’ve been hanging out and Jackie says or does something disrespectful. Well, Saturday night, we were playing cornhole. Jackie and I are always a team, while the other guy plays on Adam’s team. Adam and I stand on one end to throw the bag to our partners side, where Jackie and “super trooper” (that’s his nickname) stood. I didn’t catch it, but Adam had heard Jackie say something and the next thing I knew, I turned around and Adam’s pulling his belt out through his jean’s belt loops. I know that sound… I said “Wait, what? Wh…why do you have that?!” He held it up in the air and Jackie shut right up. Super trooper started to take his belt off (mostly playing around) and Jackie yelled at Adam for teaching super trooper to stand up to her. Super trooper smacked her once with his belt and she marched over to Adam to chew him out. She asked him if he knows how bad that thing hurts? He assured her that he does. She wanted to swing his belt down on him once, so he handed it to her. I warned her that it just isn’t very satisfying because he always only laughs at me when I try that! She swung and got him on the back of his thighs. He asked her if that was the best she had. I told her “SEE”!! Then, last night, I was in the shower with Adam and I saw this dark purple bruise on his leg and asked him what the world he did there!? He had no idea where it came from. Later, Jackie had mentioned when she smacked Adam and how he just laughed at her, and it finally occurred to me, that’s where that bruise came from! Then, I considered how much damage that damn belt could do if he swung it down hard on me. Adam is a hell of a lot stronger than Jackie is! I don’t know why it suddenly occurred to me that Adam is actually very gentle, even when he’s being firm. I have never, ever had a bruise like that from a spanking! Small, “finger bruises” sometimes, but nothing close to how his thigh looked. This gave me two thoughts at once. One, that is beyond scary to think what damage that belt really could do!!! Two, Adam has clearly been very in control, even when he’s upset with me, because he’s never spanked me that hard. I don’t want to be, either. I’m both more afraid of the belt, and less afraid of Adam. Not that I’ve ever been afraid of him. I just mean that it reassured me that he knows exactly what he’s doing, even when I’ve pushed so hard that he’s angry with me. He will never seriously harm me. I already knew that he wouldn’t, but that proved it to me. This does not mean he wouldn’t make it hurt hella bad! This does not mean I’m no longer afraid of his hand, belt, whatever he’s got to punish me with! Just…holy shit my husband is strong. Mentally, emotionally, physically. It’s kind of incredible to me.

Kings & Queens

The thing I, personally, felt I needed to work on the most, was my attitude and my choice of words. When I’m grumpy, irritated, just feeling pissy, I can be incredibly disrespectful towards Adam. Every so often, I get this overwhelming “energy” that takes over me and I am convinced that he is definitely not strong enough to “fight” me on something if I really fight back hard enough. I believe that I’m right, he’s wrong, and I’m not going to let it go. I wind up treating Adam like he’s an idiot. The look on my face, the tone of my voice, and the words that I choose are all disrespectful as hell. I am on a “high” and I am not intimidated or ashamed, in the moment. It’s typically very stupid stuff I choose to argue, too. I once refused to drop an argument about how many hours he’d worked and been gone the prior year…on our anniversary…in front of a group of our friends and family. Yep. He should’ve whooped my ass. This is the thing I most felt I needed to do better. The thing I felt would be what most often got me into trouble when Adam started getting serious about consistently holding me accountable again.

I was not expecting that what has been the exclusive issue I’ve found myself in trouble for (the last several months) has been dishonesty. Or, mostly “side stepping the truth”. I was not aware that this was such a big problem for me. I never thought of myself as dishonest, especially with Adam! I find it’s the stupid crap I’m not truthful about, much like the stupid reasons I lose my shit and get disrespectful about. It’s been eye opening for me. For Adam, also, I believe. It appears I have an even bigger challenge to work harder on. I haven’t been in a situation where I got disrespectful towards Adam in a long time. Probably, since he got home from his work trip out of state in the beginning of August. That situation was not handled well by either of us. Adam has done an amazing job of dealing with my shit without it becoming a big fight between us. He stays right the hell on point. This leaves me with no way to “win” if I’m fighting him. He doesn’t insult me. I never doubt that he’s saying and doing this out of love for me. I don’t get left alone to cry myself to sleep. I might cry, but I’m not going to feel unloved and alone. There’s no fear that he won’t come back to me. I truly wonder what will happen the next time I’m overwhelmed with that disrespectful “energy” and I start up my attitude again. I’m never going to try to set that situation up. I’m not looking forward to it. I just know it will happen, one of these days. It’s not like I want another spanking like I received not long ago, I just wonder if he might still “back down” if I show him my tough, hard, fighter self again sometime. I still sort of believe I could argue my way out of something, if I really really wanted to. I’m an excellent defense attorney for myself when I need to be! I don’t mean to doubt him, I’ve just not been in this situation in a very long time where he handled it without either “stooping” down to my level and losing his authority, or backing the heck down because, let’s face it, I can be decently intimidating.

I really have worked at my attitude now for years. I have been aware of this issue within myself. I think I do a much better job of containing my inner bitch around Adam. Every once in awhile, she sneaks her way out, though.

I’m looking forward to a fun weekend with my husband and have absolutely NO intention of causing any problems that might interfere with that fun. It’s Adam’s birthday today! He’s going to have to settle for a birthday blowjob, because I started my damn period this morning. I’m making his requested Chili tonight for supper. I got him his favorite candy bar, Twix. I want to show him only love today. I appreciate that he is my king, and I am his queen ❤️

“Sitting Could be an Issue”…

Yesterday evening, I shared part of my blog post with Adam. I write very honestly here, and he knows that, so I wanted to show him that I really was petrified the other night when I didn’t know if he was ok. I share my posts with him often. Even the ones that don’t exactly make me look the best. I know that it’s been incredibly helpful for him to get these glimpses into my thoughts and feelings through my writing. I am usually much better at writing my thoughts clearly and carefully, rather than saying them out loud, because I often wish I could take back some of the shit that comes out of my mouth to him. I don’t have to worry about that here. I can take my time to say what I mean to say.

I had to drive a friend to work yesterday afternoon and I text Adam about it. I have never in my life actually had trouble sitting after longer than maybe a few hours post spanking. I always thought of that saying “you won’t sit for a week” as being just a metaphor for “you’re gonna get it”. Adam told me, the other day, that it wasn’t a good week to plan on activities that required sitting down. I knew he was just trying to make sure I was understanding that he wasn’t planning to go easy on me when he got home. It wasn’t pleasant getting spanked, but I must’ve had a lot of adrenaline coursing through me, giving me protection from some of the stinging in my behind, because I’m shocked I could still feel it 2 days later!

Today is, FINALLY, Friday! This week seemed endless to me, for some reason. The weather has been gorgeous. Sunny and 70s all week. We have plans with some friends for Saturday evening. Tonight, we’re just staying in. Probably go sit out on the patio and hang out. Adam has been extra sweet and thoughtful the last couple of days. I really thought maybe I could convince him that spanking was the worst ever and to save those for the biggest offenses. It seems to have worked the opposite, because he feels like he was effective, so I’m afraid my days of getting only those half hearted smacks on my ass might be over now. Except, of course, the ones he playfully gives to me regularly. He keeps slapping my butt exactly where I’ve told him hurt the worst. I don’t think he feels guilty… That’s ok, though. I’m pretty certain that, next time, it’ll be at least as bad, if not worse. So, I’m also certain that I don’t want to find myself facing that again anytime soon. Maybe he was effective, I suppose? I’ve been extra sweet and thoughtful since then, too. Adam and I are great. It should be just a fun, playful, happy weekend!

Bruised Ego

I bruise easily. I get, what I call, “finger bruises” often. If I’m picked up under my arms, I can get them where I was held from. If I’m tickled, I’ll get them, and when I’m spanked, I sometimes get them. I have a few small “finger bruises” near my hip that Adam was noticing last night, in the shower. Likely, they’re from him holding me down when he had me bent over on our bed. I asked him “are you proud of yourself?” He gave me such a sincere look and said “NO. It’s very hard for me to have to spank you like that. I don’t regret it, but I’m sorry it came to that.” I remembered the last text messages we had sent that night, before he got home. I had text him “I love you [Adam] and I don’t want you to be mad at me or especially disappointed.” He responded back to me “I love you too. That’s why it pains me so much to have to do this.” Honestly, my butt is fine. It’s my ego that takes the biggest hit. Mentally and emotionally, there’s a powerful thing that happens to me when Adam spanks me. I feel sorry and ashamed, embarrassed, and “small”. I actually have a whole lot of power in our relationship, but not when I’m in trouble. I am at my husband’s mercy. I know that I’m safe. He would never harm me. I’m always nervous, but not because I worry that he will go too far. If anything, he’s too soft on me! When he had finished disciplining me, he stood back and asked me a question that I did not supply the correct “yes sir” response to. I giggled a little and I said something smart ass-ish. He told me he was trying to decide if the message had gotten through, and clearly it had not. He came back to me and yanked down my jeans (without even unbuttoning them) and pulled me over his lap and gave me two of the hardest hand swats he’s ever given. I pleaded with him that I didn’t mean it! I was just kidding! I’m sorry! I did not continue to give him anymore foolishness. He had successfully humbled me.

Jackie had driven over to my sister’s house to pick her up and bring her back over here for supper with us. My sister’s husband was gone for a couple of days for his work. Jackie knew all about my situation with Adam because I’d talked and texted with her about it most of the afternoon. I text her when Adam pulled into our driveway that I would let her know when to head back here. It was only about 10 minutes later that I text her again to let her know I was fine and come home and eat now. This was the following conversation…

Yesterday, Adam and I had been texting each other like we normally do periodically through the day. Until, right after noon I’d sent him something and got no response. I don’t freak out because his job has him moving from job site to site and he’s driving a lot or else he’s on site with the builders, so it can take a little while to hear back from him sometimes. After a couple of hours, I text him again asking if everything was ok? Still no response. An hour later, I tried to call him and it rang several times and went to his voicemail. Now that is very unusual. He can be in the middle of a meeting and, if I call, he’ll answer. We have an understanding. I don’t call him often. Text everyday, but calls from me always mean it’s something important. He calls me while he’s driving sometimes, but I don’t call him at work unless I need to get ahold of him now. My concern only grew after another hour passed with nothing from him. I thought about calling the office, but there are several locations in Nashville and I had no idea which one he would’ve been at. All I could do was keep trying to get ahold of him and wait. I would get anxious every time the dogs got excited at the window. Part of me panicked thinking, what if someone is here to tell me Adam got hurt really bad? Tears formed in my eyes every time thoughts like that raced through me. I kept thinking about how, just 24 hours earlier, I did not particularly want my husband to walk in the door because I knew he was going to call me into our room and spank me. Now, just 24 hours later, all I wanted in this world was for him to walk through that door. Finally, he pulled in our driveway. I ran out and said “WHAT THE HELL?!?! He showed me his phone. The entire screen was smashed. It had fallen out of his pocket while he was high off the ground and broken. I still lectured him that he could’ve called me from someone else’s phone, or the office!! He insisted he was not trying to make me worry and that he hadn’t gotten back to the office until after closing. He didn’t even go inside. Got into his truck and drove home. He did show me how he’d tried to use his phone through his truck’s Bluetooth and tell it to “call Eve”, but even that wouldn’t work. This morning, he’s getting a new damn phone! He had laughed at how worried I was when he got home, until later, when I tried to explain the overwhelming fear I had about someone showing up to tell me he wasn’t coming home. I don’t cry easily and I couldn’t even spit out the words without tears pouring down my cheeks. He felt terrible then. Promised me he would never do that again if this happens again. He would make sure to have one of the other guys at least call me to let me know what happened and that he was fine. I love that man so much! The thought of losing my one true love is more than I can bear to contemplate.

Pebbles & Boulders

Yesterday afternoon and evening’s conversation with Adam…

Then, this morning’s conversation.

And, part of my talk with Jackie yesterday before Adam got home.

I really really took time to think about why it’s so hard for me to just tell Adam shit sometimes. Especially knowing he will never be angry or mean to me when I’m just up front. It’s probably a control thing, to be honest. I’m fighting for it, whether I truly want that power or not. I’m still convinced that he will let shit slide the way he used to (at least the last few years). He’s been much more “strict” than he was ever before, too. We talked last night and he never wants to abuse his authority, but he also says he’s not going to back down when he knows it’s time to stand up. Which, I mean, I get that. There are fragments of time, for me, where I just don’t feel like going along with Adam’s instructions. Not because I think he’s wrong, mostly just because I guess I’m that stubborn? I don’t quite know. This morning, something came up that I wasn’t excited to tell him about. Nothing that was my doing, just life crap I didn’t want to dump on him. I did tell him right away, though. I told him I feel like I don’t want to keep handing him these “pebbles”, because even small ones start to get heavy. He told me that he can handle all the shit I give to him just fine, but he’d much rather I hand him pebbles than stand here waiting til I’m throwing a boulder at him. Ok…makes sense. I don’t like to weigh him down with stuff that I think I can handle myself. He tells me that’s his job. I suppose this is my personal struggle to get right with. Well, with Adam’s help, anyway.

To Tell, or Not to Tell

This is what started the ball to rolling, yesterday. Then, he walked inside after work, and gave me a grin and a kiss and told me “thank you for doing all that today, boo”. Well, how the heck am I going to say anything then?! This is how minor issues become major problems. Stupid, ridiculous crap. I don’t feel like it’s a big deal, at the time. I like to hear him tell me “great job”. I really enjoy an evening with him when there’s not one damn thing he’s telling me to make sure I get done. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking about crap. Maybe it’s purely selfish? I don’t know. It’s the honest truth, though. I don’t want him to be serious with his damn belt! I absolutely hate to hear him tell me he’s disappointed in me. My God, it’s the worst. I know all of these things, but still feel it’s easier to “sidestep” the truth to him sometimes. Always with stuff that, in the grand scheme of stuff, doesn’t matter. I’ve got to knock this shit off. I should think before I open my mouth (or send a text). I need to stop assuming it won’t matter. It always matters. Clearly, this is something that I recognize isn’t good, or right. Obviously, this is something that Adam has spent time recently trying to get me to figure out. I’m stubborn as hell. I’m still fighting him, even though I know it’s the best thing for him to hold my “feet to the fire”. Even though I understand he’s trying to help me. I don’t think of it as testing him or pushing his buttons. I honestly figure I’m going to get away with it when I “sidestep” something. Because IF it does come up later, I always have the option to say “well, I did get shit figured out. I just didn’t tell you I have more shit to do now, too”. I do not even consider that this might end up bad for me. I seriously need to get it through my thick skull that Adam means it, and he means it always. Not just when I tell him to, or when I want him to. He’s serious, regardless of whether or not I feel like he should be. I’ve gotten away with so much crap using my incredible argumentative skills. I’m either a genius or an idiot, because I have talked so much with Adam that, at this point, he’s aware of every move I’m about to make in an argument, before I even say it. He’s got the “floor plans” of my brain.

I haven’t said anything to him. At least, not yet. I don’t really feel like being in trouble today. I don’t know if I can handle the guilt, though?

“Sidestepping” the Truth

I kind of, sort of, totally did it again. Now, I’m struggling with what I’m going to do about it. I forgot a damn paper the doctor needs to sign for the school yesterday, and I didn’t get everything I needed on immunization records yet, because we have to do a follow up appointment. It’s a long, boring story, but it ends with me not, in fact, having all this shit done. Adam text and asked if I got this done. I replied, “I’ve got my shit figured out”. Technically, this is true. I know what to do. Adam would probably disagree with how “honest” I was with this reply, though. I know for a fact he would call this “sidestepping”.

I don’t know whyyy I didn’t just explain all this to him yesterday? I didn’t want to tell him I hadn’t gotten everything I needed. On the way home, a car in front of me, on the interstate, threw up a big rock from their tires and it cracked my darned windshield. I called insurance right away when I was back home. I handled that. Already have someone coming to replace my windshield tomorrow morning. I had gone into the doctor. Took almost an entire morning and afternoon to do it. I felt good about how much I had gotten done! Maybe I wanted Adam to be proud of me? I swear, it’s like instinct for me to find a way to tell him the truth, without telling the whole truth. At least, it is when it comes to crap like this. I don’t quite know how I’m going to get out of this now. I have to fax a document to the doctor for signature, which requires me sending it with Adam to work. I have to make, yet another, appointment, which is going to be hard to do without him wondering why!

He was suspicious last night. Or maybe I was just giving off my own suspicious vibes that he picked up on? I had an opportunity to tell him what was up in the shower, but I didn’t. He asked me if there was something I wasn’t telling him. I turned around like I was rinsing my face in the water, and I told him “nope”. There may be no way to argue that that wasn’t a whole ass lie, either. So, my hole is dug even deeper. And why?! Why am I so stupid with stupid crap he wouldn’t have gotten upset with me about? I can’t explain my reasoning, because it’s plain stupid. I have got to stop doing this shit! I should’ve, at least, come clean right away last night. I didn’t want to disappoint him. So, I lied to him, making future disappointment that much bigger. Stupid.

I’m literally shaking writing this down here. It seems so much worse when I spell it out like this. Like, fuck I told him a whole ass, plain and simple, no doubt about it, lie. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t ever do that when it’s big stuff. I can’t hold it in, even if I wanted to! Dumb crap like this, though…it’s so easy to convince myself it isn’t a big deal in the moment. Then, I wind up making things so much worse so that I’m at the point where it’s become a big thing. Now I’m to the point where I can’t hold it back anymore. I want him to believe me that I wouldn’t lie to him about important things. This shit isn’t helping me out, though.

I don’t know how mad he’s going to be, but I know it’s not good. I know he would be unbelievably pissed if he found out I did this before I could explain for myself. I know the right thing to do is to come clean before I dig this hole any deeper. I know I have got to learn to stop automatically “sidestepping” the truth when it’s something I don’t want to deal with. I didn’t realize I have been doing this so much until he started calling me out on it. I get it. The little shit, over time, makes it easier to cover up the big stuff later. You can’t tell a half truth, then a lie, and then not wind up telling bigger lies to keep up with the stupid half truth. I didn’t want to admit to him that I’d done that, again. So, now I’m here. Contemplating the best way to tell the truth and save my ass.