My sister and her husband went out, for the first time since Pj came along. They’d asked us to babysit. Of course I said absolutely! They get a nice evening, as a couple. We get to hang out with baby Pj.

Yesterday, we played cornhole, and Adam grilled us some burgers. Today has been a lazy Sunday, at home. We haven’t had much excitement, besides spending our evening with Pj. I hear her getting a little fussy, in the other room. I’m going to go see if I can help 😊

“Hallelujah g*d damnit, can I get a amen. I been blessed by our country. Had to work to get the win. Had me kickin’ doors down. They ain’t wanna let us in. Hallelujah g*d damnit, can I get a amen…They say when one door closes, another one’s gon’ open. Foot to the deadbolt, leavin’ the hinges broken. Hopin’ there’s no casualties, but fuck all the formalities. I had to make my way up, they said the top’s at capacity. Is it really bad of me to want my family to get to see the possibilities and build a family dynasty?”

~Adam Calhoun & Struggle Jennings

My taste in music is all over the place. My parents never censored my music choices, when I was a teenager. I don’t really listen to my more inappropriate stuff, in front of my kids, though. I grew up in a family of artists. Music artists, a children’s book illustrator, a painter, a couple people who do wood burning and exclusive carvings, an aunt who drew comics for the newspapers, a cousin who builds unique archery bows for high end clients, architects…lots of “artsy” people surround me. I find that I tend to appreciate all forms of “art”. Music is just my favorite. I used to draw, but I haven’t drawn in years. I like to paint finger and toenails, and do designs on them. I also enjoy playing with makeup and hair, and trying out new things.

Jackie and I are heading to some craft stores. We’re finding some things to make decorations for her sister’s baby’s birthday party, next weekend. We’ve got some cool ideas! I guess crafting is another one of those “artsy” hobbies I enjoy?

Last night, we hung out down in Jackie’s apartment. Justin and Adam played ping pong with us, for awhile. Then, they sat and talked to each other, while Jackie and I hit the ball back and forth. We’re getting pretty good at it! As the night went on, Jackie wanted some fries. Justin offered to go get her some, at a fast food place. Adam went along with him, on their “french fry run”. Earlier in the day, I’d had a couple packages arrive. After I opened them, I realized, they were 2 of the cashmere leggings that Jackie and I ordered. They’d come separate from the big box of things we’d gotten, last week. I resealed the bag, and Jackie was going to get them returned. While the guys were out, we got a wild hair, and decided to just try them on. When the guys got back, there we were, in matching cashmere leggings. I was a little afraid Adam might be mad, but he just shook his head. He told me to keep them, if I like them that much. He’ll pay for them. It turns out, I did get some new cashmere!

We’re grilling some burgers, later on. It’s a beautiful day. Warm and sunny. We talked about getting out the cornhole boards, and play a few games. It’s been a fun weekend, so far 😊

This is a very easy meal! Adam and the kids all enjoy it. All you need is,

1 pound ground beef (or turkey)

Taco seasoning

2 pizza crusts (I buy the Pillsbury dough that you get in those cans and then roll out onto a pan)

Pizza sauce

Shredded cheddar cheese

I make the pizza crust, as directed. Brown the ground beef and then add the taco seasoning. Spread pizza sauce over your crusts. Spread your seasoned ground beef over that. Top with shredded cheese. Bake until the cheese is melted.

It’s sooo easy, but so yummy! You can also add taco sauce, if that’s your thing 😉

I woke up, this morning, to my neck feeling so much better! A little sore, when I look up and down, but otherwise, I feel great!

I was limited, in what I could do, yesterday. I’m happy to be able to do my “normal” things. I got breakfast dishes washed. Made beds. I cleaned the bathrooms, on our main floor. I make my kids do their own bathrooms, upstairs. Every Sunday, their rooms get cleaned, they clean their bathrooms, and bring their bedding and hampers, of laundry, to get washed. I cleaned the inside of the fridge out. I washed all the main floor windows. I’m planning to get some cookies baked, this afternoon. I like to time it so that they’re coming out of the oven, right when my kids get home, after school.

I’m listening to Tom Macdonald’s new album, “The Revolution”. There’s a couple of songs that I like, so far. “Shit was fuckin’ cool”, is a great one. He’s had this new song, “Ghost”, blow up. I have to admit, it’s just not my thing. I’m glad for him, but it’s not my jam.

I’m not sure what we’re doing, this weekend. Jackie and Justin are going out to eat, tonight. Adam, the kids, and I are having pizza, at home. I’ve been craving French toast. I got all the stuff I need to make it, so I’m going to make it for breakfast, tomorrow. I’m in the mood to put out my Spring decorations, but it seems just a bit too early. It was super cold, yesterday. Today, the sun’s shining. It’s only supposed to make it to the upper 50’s, but the sunshine helps me feel better.

Next weekend, we’ve got a music night, at Poppy’s house. I’m excited to do that, again! We haven’t had one of those, since October. Jackie’s sister’s baby turns one year old, next Saturday, too. Her place isn’t big enough for a birthday party, so I offered to have it here, at our house. Jackie mentioned, I should tell Adam that I’d volunteered to do that. It was sweet because when I told him, he said, “Absolutely! You want me to grill something for everybody?” He loves that baby, too! We’ll have a birthday party, for a one year old, and then go party at my dad’s house. 😆

My sister took baby Pj over to visit our dad (Poppy), yesterday. I’m in love with this picture.

Chris Webby has several installations of his “raw thoughts”. Not exactly child appropriate, but very good, nonetheless. In my personal opinion.

I’m trying to allow myself to get “raw”. I’m feeling “heavy”, but I haven’t quite given myself permission to get a good look at the shadow that’s been following me around. I’m a grown ass woman, but I still sometimes get the feeling there’s a monster under my bed. I will stand several steps back, and jump into the bed. Imagine that feeling, and choosing to stand next to the bed, bend down, and peer underneath it, knowing there’s something there. It’s like that, for me, acknowledging some of the things that I know are lingering around me. Easier to just close the door and walk away. I don’t need to go in that room anymore, anyway…right?

I wrote the above, a few days ago. There’s no real “conclusion”. I still wanted to share it, anyway.

Last night, Adam and I were goofing around. I said something smart ass-ish, and he lifted me over his shoulder, intending to flip me over, on our bed. Neither of us was angry. We just like to wrestle around and be silly. Unfortunately, I overcorrected, attempting to land on my back, rather than my belly, and I landed on our bed in a way that hyperextended my neck. I heard the loudest crrrrack. For a moment, I thought, “oh my God…did I just break my neck?!” Adam was freaking out. He was super worried about me, and he felt absolutely terrible. To the point, he was very angry with himself. My neck is relatively fine, though. I just have, what’s commonly known as, “whip lash”. To top that off, like an idiot, I took an Aleve, hoping to relieve the ache. I am not really supposed to take nsaids, due to my chronic stomach ulcers. I can get away with taking a very occasional, small dose, but it was a dumb thing to do, considering I’m currently battling an ulcer. I wound up with horrible belly pain, for several hours. After taking just about every one of my medications meant for treating the stomach pain I get, I’m finally feeling a lot better. Jackie rubbed some cream on my neck for me. It has CBD in it. It helped my neck a ton! It’s been a long last night and day today, though. I’m sleepy.

I remembered to get the roast in the crockpot, for supper tonight. I’ve got carrots and potatoes cooking along with it. Adam is checking on me every hour, on the hour. I assure him I’m alright. He got me a Diet Mt Dew, to drink. I almost never drink soda. Ice water is my favorite drink. Specifically, crushed ice with tap water. That, and coffee. A Diet Mt Dew sounded good, to me, so he got me whole case of them.

Our daughter is learning to twirl, throw, and dance with flags. They call it “color guard”, but I’m not sure if that’s what it’s called everywhere? Our son is fixing to start baseball practice. Wrestling season has come to its end. His elbow is all healed, and back to normal.

I think that’s about all the excitement, for today.

Y’all, I hit 100,000 views, on my blog, today. I didn’t start out intending to be seen or heard. I have continued to only write my story. I know some days are not the most interesting, but it’s my life. This blog has been like therapy, for me. It’s helped me to process and get through a lot. To everyone who’s contributed to my views, I truly hope it blesses you, even in some small way. It touches me, when I see comments from people saying they can relate. Or, from folks who simply leave words of encouragement. I have some “regulars”, who I feel I’ve gotten to know here. I worry, when I haven’t heard from them in awhile. Thank you to anyone who’s reading this. Thank you for supporting me in this journey. It really does mean a whole lot to me ❤️

There’s still plenty of story yet to tell here. I appreciate all of y’all.

“Don’t tread on me. Those are words that I stand by homie. It doesn’t mean I’m gangster. It doesn’t mean I’m country. It means that my life is in my hands only”… “That’s dandy and fine if you trust Uncle Sam, but I for one, fuckin’ don’t”….

~The Real Samson

I’m so sick and tired of seeing our media tell us lies. They keep us all so busy arguing over things that don’t matter, and then we’re too busy to notice the real bullshit they’re doing. It’s on both political sides. All I want to do is live my life, the way me and my family decide. We’re not hurting anyone. I respect everyone’s right to do the same. We don’t have to all look, think, feel, speak, love, or hate the same things. I’m just exhausted by the back and forth. It’s literally all we see on TV. It’s all we hear on the radio, podcasts. It’s plastered all over social media. My damn Alexa show scrolls “news” on the screen, all day long. It’s become inescapable. I’m gonna sound like a hippie here, but why can’t we just spread a little more love? At the very least, less hate. The vitriol that’s poured into our ears and minds, on a constant basis, it’s driving us all insane. Anyway, rant over.

Jackie and I did hang out, in my kitchen, last night. It was exactly what I needed. Her boyfriend came by, later in the evening. I really like him. He’s a great guy. He wants the same things Jackie does. I love seeing this finally happen for her. It’s an extra bonus that Adam has become friends with Justin. We can all hang out and have a lot of fun.

It’s chilly here, today. Only about 44 degrees. The sun is fighting with the clouds. It peeks out, occasionally, and then the clouds quickly recover the light and warmth it’s attempting to shed on us. The wind is blowing the wind chime I have hanging under our deck. I can’t hear that sound, and not think of the movie “Twister”. Still, I think it’s beautiful. I’m struggling to find much motivation. There’s a basket of clean laundry, that needs folding. I should vacuum the floors. I’m very “orderly”. I can’t stand having dishes in the sink, or beds unmade. I like everything to be in its place. I can be very particular about that. Chairs must be pushed in, under the table. The couch pillows go a specific way. My keurig coffee maker gets pushed into the corner of the counter, just so. I can always recognize when someone’s messed with my things, too. I know where everything goes.

Adam has been incredibly busy, at his new location. He’s taken on more responsibilities, here. He says he’s enjoying it, but I don’t hear from him as much. It isn’t even the busy season. He’s involved in the construction industry. He doesn’t build things. He just moves things, organizes, schedules, and manages other people and things. This time of year is typically slower. The economy also plays a big role in how busy his company is. We hardly saw him, through 2018 and 2019.

I suppose I’ll go fold and put away this pile of laundry staring at me, insisting I put it where it goes.

You’ll need:

Soft tortillas (I use the large ones)

Shredded cheese (I use “fiesta” or “taco” blends)

Chicken breasts

Fajita sauce (I buy it pre made, or in packets that you mix with water)

Optional: chopped green peppers, red peppers, jalapeños, onions

I boil the chicken breasts until they’re tender and come apart easily. Drain the water. Shred the chicken breasts. I just use 2 forks to pull the chicken apart.

Mix shredded chicken and fajita sauce together in a pan. Simmer for 15-20 min.

Lay out one tortilla. Spread some chicken, cheese, and any veggies you like over it. Top with another tortilla. Heat over medium low on a square griddle, until cheese is melted. This takes 3-5 min.

Slice your quesadilla with a pizza cutter, like you’d cut a pizza. Repeat with as many quesadillas as you’d like to make. Serve with guacamole, sour cream, taco sauce…whatever y’all prefer!

I was having a rough afternoon, yesterday. I’m not prepared to get much into it, but it has to do with my mother. My mother and someone else who I love so fiercely. I’m struggling internally, with how to move forward, with this girl, now that she’s built a “relationship” with my mother. I cannot let my mother worm her way into my family’s lives. I can’t have her gathering information about our lives, that Adam and I have decided she is no longer privy to. At the same time, I can’t turn my back on this girl. I won’t do it.

I’m not cold hearted. Making the choice to remove my mother from our lives, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. When I make a decision, I mean it, though. I can’t imagine going through this again. It’s just hard. Really, really hard.

I woke up, during the night, with a horrible stomach ache. I’m not sick. Emotional pain and stress manifest into physical aches, for me. I also have a condition which gives me chronic ulcers, in my stomach. I started a two week course of medications, today. Hopefully they’ll help get my belly to feeling better.

I intended to have a roast slow cooking, for supper tonight, but I forgot about it. It’s too late now. I’ve got leftover shredded chicken I had made, for chicken Alfredo, last night. I’m going to just go ahead and make some quesadillas, instead.

I turned on my little bose speaker, and I’m playing some music. I have lots of playlists. The one I’m currently listening to is titled, “shower songs”. It’s full of songs that make me happy. Jackie is going to be here, soon. Maybe we can have one of our “kitchen dates”. Just sit around and talk about any and everything. Throw in some laughter. Sometimes, some tears. It always helps, though.

Jackie was given a survey, from the shipping company, where we returned the items she had, very cheaply, purchased. The first question was, What was your reason for visiting our store today? I told her to put down, Returning stolen goods. 😆💁‍♀️

It’s just in my nature to be a smart ass. I have a hard time controlling that part of me.

I honestly think I get more sarcastic, when I’m struggling not to feel sad or angry. I’d prefer to laugh, than cry. I have this idea that, I look stronger, if I come off “bitchy”, than if I show my injury to people. Like, if I share my weak spots with someone, they’ll now know exactly where to kick me. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to expose myself. I’m afraid to rip the bandage off of a bleeding wound, revealing its existence. What if they pour salt on it? It already hurts so much. I can’t risk more pain. I’m recognizing this fear that I have. I can’t say that I was particularly aware of it, before. I suppose I must’ve made this pattern, in my behavior, obvious to those around me. It’s just, I’ve never looked at it, myself.

I’m having a hard time with someone I love, very much. Someone I’ve never written about. She matters to me, though. I’m helpless, as I watch her seek comfort in someone who has done nothing but hurt everyone else around them. It’s heartbreaking. She’s grown. I can’t forbid her. I have to sit back, and wait for this person to give her the kind of wounds I’m still doing my best to cover with bandages. It’s frustrating. I’m frustrated. I don’t love her any less, because of the things she’s doing. She’s searching for someone to love her. I get it. I know the feeling all too well.

Why is it, when you’re young, you feel as if no one is listening to you? But, when you’re grown, you’re desperate for someone to tell you what to do? I wish she could hear me. I’m listening. I’m searching for a way to tell her the truth. She neither talks to me, nor listens. All I can do is wait. I pray she finds me again.