I sent my last blog post to Adam, the other day. After I’d sent it to him, it dawned on me, I hadn’t even told him about the recent things my mother’s done to try to get to us. By get to us, I mean cause us pain and misery. Sneaking her way into our lives, through other people we care about. Using these people to create chaos, and disrupt our happiness. I wouldn’t let it get to me, though. I was so successful in my refusal to acknowledge her attempts, I completely forgot to mention it to Adam. Maybe I didn’t exactly forget, but I wasn’t using a moment of our time together, through the holidays, to waste my breath discussing my mother’s latest bullshit.

I feel like the “high” I had over the holidays, is beginning to wear off. All of the planning and excitement is over. It’s time to start putting the Christmas decorations away, until next year. The kids will be starting back to school. Real life is resuming.

I know myself pretty damn well. Because of this, I am getting scared of the possibility that a day will soon come, when I’ll have reached my capacity for other people’s bullshit. Historically, when that day came, I would reach said limit when someone I deeply love does or says something that would’ve slid right past me, otherwise. Nuclear meltdown begins, and my overwhelming wrath gets spilled out onto whoever happens to be in my path. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to “explode”. I can feel my patience thinning, though. I sense myself drawing nearer to my boiling point, and I’m not quite sure how to release the pressure that’s building.

I suppose I just need to put down my “armor” and expose myself to the people I trust right now. I should talk about it. That seems like such a simple solution, but it just isn’t that easy! When? When is a good time to tell Adam or Jackie I’m struggling. I always try so hard to be strong and to be that safe place for my people to come to. I can tell that Jackie isn’t herself right now. Adam’s got crap at work. So, when? How? I have held onto this happy face I’m wearing, so wouldn’t it be such a shock to look at Adam or Jackie and tell them, I’m not as okay as I look or sound or act? I’m truly great, most always. My issue is that I let things “simmer” for too long. I push my own troubles down as far as I can, but they resurface. I run out of energy to continue pushing down the same things. It really is exhausting!

I don’t want to hurt my people. I have to be mature enough to handle my emotions in ways that don’t end up with me losing my shit on someone I love. Maybe this is my New Year’s resolution. Yep. I’m going to work on that.

We had such a great weekend! Our friends stayed here. Mj’s best friend was here until this afternoon, when I took her back home.

Adam’s been teasing me the last couple of days. He’ll come by and tell me I need a spanking, and then slap my ass a time or two. It doesn’t hurt. He isn’t really serious. Just playing around. I told him, I think he’s getting withdrawals because I’ve been so good! I have really tried hard to lean into all of the happy, the last few weeks. I want to make awesome memories with my people. I want to soak in all of the moments. I think this mindset has also helped me to stay honest and respectful, to Adam. It’s kept me grounded in the things and people who matter most to me. I haven’t had a bad attitude. I’ve embraced the good, and I’ve refused to allow any of the hard stuff “in”. I’m very stubborn. I don’t like to let people hurt me. I get angry with myself, when I have given someone that power. Someone who’s desire was to do exactly what they’ve done…hurt me. The real of it is, my mother has been creating some chaos, recently. I’ve just refused to acknowledge it. Not right now, anyway. I’m realizing that, I act out when I’m feeling overwhelmed, or insecure. Those times when I’m doubting myself, or the people who love me, that’s when I find myself almost “rebellious”. Like, I’m pushing back against my husband, because I need to know that he’s still here for me. I love him so much, and yet I will build walls, just to make sure he’ll crash through them, so he can get back to me. I don’t necessarily do this with conscious intent. It seems to be a pattern I’ve picked up on, though.

For now, today, I’m feeling good. I’m content. What a wonderful way to begin 2023!

Last night, Jackie and I played ping pong and talked until almost 1:30am! Adam was snuggling Mj downstairs, and they fell asleep. We drank a few beers, while we played. When Adam and I went to bed, I was feeling frisky as hell. This morning, I saw he had scratches down his back and sides. I asked him, “what’d you do?!” Apparently, I did that, last night, in bed. I guess I got a little excited. It’s happened a few times, but Adam actually wears those scratches like a badge of honor! 😆 He doesn’t hate it, when I’ve gotten just a little too “into it”, during sex.

This morning, Adam left our bedroom a few minutes ahead of me. When I came out, I knew immediately that I had done something stupid. I could smell the candle I’d left burning on our mantle, all night. Adam called me out on it right away, too. He’s been randomly spanking my butt, just a few swats, but all day long! Like, every time we cross paths.

We’re getting ready for a whole bunch of friends to be here soon. It’s beautiful outside. Sunny and 60’s, right now. We stopped by my sister’s house, earlier. We bought her and her husband a new grill. I’d really wanted to get one for them. We sat out on their porch and took turns holding baby Pj, while we talked with them.

I’m going to get started making some potato salad. I’ve got our house nice and clean. I’m looking forward to a fun night with our friends.

I wish all y’all a safe and very Happy New Year!

Jackie took my babies for the day, 5 years ago today. They went ice skating. They went out to eat. They had a blast! She sent me these memories, and I’m thinking, “where’d my babies go!?” How can this feel like yesterday, but also so long ago, at the very same time?

Jackie and I were talking, after she sent me a blog post she made. I’ve been choosing to embrace the happy. I’ve been very successful at enjoying these holidays, without allowing any sad to creep into my joy. That isn’t to suggest that it isn’t there, in the background. I get pangs of hurt, when I realize who isn’t in our family pictures anymore. I have just refused to allow those moments to intrude on the wonderful memories we’re making, now. I do fear that one day soon, when the celebration is over, I might have to face those bitter truths I’ve pushed deep down, so I could enjoy this magical time of year with my family. Maybe I’m fine? Or, maybe I’m going to have a real tough day, one of these days. I can’t predict my tomorrows with any real accuracy. The waves crash down on me, when I least expect it, most always. For now, I’m good.

Adam went into work insanely early, this morning, so he could cut out of there early, tonight. He’s on his way home now. I’m fixing spaghetti and meatballs for supper. After work, Jackie wants to run over to Home Depot for some paint. She wants to paint her bedroom. I’ll probably go along with her. Maybe we’ll paint tonight? My son is at a wrestling thing today. He got second place at his last meet!

I didn’t get into too much trouble with Adam, last night. He smacked my ass in the shower, but not seriously. It’s been awhile since he’s called me “into his office”!

Tomorrow’s going to be a lot of fun! I’m excited for our friends to get here. Adam’s going to barbecue some burgers, and we’ll hang out with our friends. I can’t believe it’s about to be 2023?!

This blog title is also a song title. It’s a song we say fits Jackie very accurately 😆

Jackie’s sister moved to Nashville area last Fall. She has a nine month old baby. Her baby was diagnosed with a rare condition, when she was just a couple months old. The life saving surgery that was done, severed her vocal chords, and left her with a tracheotomy they were told would be permanent. Jackie’s sister lived way up North, where the climate is much dryer and higher elevation. She decided to try bringing the baby here, where we have more humidity. We also have Vanderbilt children’s hospital, well known for their amazing care. After just about three months here, her baby is doing amazing! Her vocal chords have grown back together, and doctors are convinced they’ll be removing her trach by early 2024. It’s incredible!

Also, my sister came by, this afternoon. I snuggled Pj and talked to my sister for hours. It was so much fun!

Adam and I recently increased our life insurance, to cover paying off our house too, in case something ever happens. We’ve talked with my sister and her husband, and they’re going to finish raising our babies, should anything happen to us. Not that anything will! It’s just a matter of planning. Of course, Jackie would be very involved as well. It just helps us to know we have our babies protected, just in case. Anyway, there was some paperwork around all that. I tried to mail it end of last week, but we ended up with that ice and snow. I meant to put it in the mail yesterday, but I forgot all about it. I remembered today, after the mailman had already been by here. I threw it in our mailbox, so it’ll get taken tomorrow, but I’m really hoping Adam isn’t upset with me now. I got so distracted by all the sweet little babies I was playing with today! He grabbed a rubber spatula from my utensil tin, on our counter, and spanked me with it last night, when I told him I’d forgotten. He wasn’t angry, but it didn’t feel particularly good. I’m just hoping he doesn’t even ask me about it, tonight.

I just missed a phone call from one of our friends who’s supposed to be here for New Year’s Eve, so I need to call them back. This is about all the news I have for today, anyhow!

I do like to make homemade suppers for my family, but some nights, I just don’t have the time to cook something that requires a lot of work. My family loves this quick, cheap, and incredibly easy supper, though! I just boil some egg noodles, (I prefer the frozen kind, or better yet, homemade), but any noodles will do. Throw a can of Dinty Moore beef stew on top, and you’ve got a yummy, filling supper. I usually heat up some dinner rolls to go with.

Sunday, we went out driving around in Adam’s truck again, and played around in the snow. We got the ping pong table all set up. It was a blast hanging out downstairs playing ping pong with Jackie and the kids!

Yesterday was Adam’s first day back to work, after our long weekend together. I was exhausted! I don’t feel sick, but my throat’s been real scratchy and I’m losing my voice. I sound very squeaky now.

The weather’s warming back up. It’s a little over 60 degrees outside now. Jackie, Mj, and I took Oliver for a walk, while she was on her break from work. My son is at wrestling practice. I washed bedding and hung it out over our deck. I absolutely love the smell of clean clothes that have dried out in the fresh air and warm sun! The weather is supposed to be around 70’s for highs with mid 50’s for lows, this weekend. We’ve got a bunch of friends coming over to celebrate New Year’s Eve with us. We’ll BBQ some burgers, get out our cornhole boards, play some ping pong, watch the guys set off some fireworks, and sit around the fire pit, just hanging out. I’m excited to be able to spend an evening out in our backyard again. It feels like it’s been a long time! As soon as Christmas is over, I’m ready for summer to come back. We had a blast playing in the snow, this weekend, but now I’m anxious for it to be warm out again. I’ve missed the sunshine, too. It had been cloudy, dreary, and cold here, for several days. Having the sun shining today makes me so much more productive.

That about catches up on all the excitement here at our house.

Today has been everything I’d hoped for. Lots of family, friends, food, and fun.

I always wait until Christmas Eve to wrap Christmas gifts. I’m fixing to get started on that. The kids went out and played in the snow. We made some hot cocoa, when they came back inside. The front entry is a mess from the snowy, wet, dirty boot prints leftover, but I’m just not concerned with how clean my house looks today!

The kids decorated sugar cookies. We’re planning to watch “A Christmas Story 2”, later on. We’ll have our supper, unwrap our new pajamas, and then it’s time for Christmas Eve church services. Tomorrow will be a day filled with family and celebration. I probably won’t be on here, on Christmas Day. I wish all y’all a very Merry Christmas!