M.I.A…

I’m sorry I haven’t updated here. It’s been a busy couple of days. Also, I was not feeling very good, yesterday. I text Jackie, Saturday night. I’d told her I was fixing to take a darned pregnancy test.

Jackie got here right as my delivery driver was bringing me one of those magic sticks to pee on, so I could figure out whether I’d be able to actually drink the beer I’d opened, or not. Y’all, I’ve never taken a negative pregnancy test. Every time I did, I was pretty sure I was pregnant. This amped up my anxiety about whether I’d see one line, or two. Jackie came into my bathroom with me, and read the instructions, while I did my part of the test taking. I put the cap on the little stick, sat it on a paper towel, right on the bathroom counter, and we waited.

First test I ever took, where I was happy I didn’t pass!

I’m not going to lie, I was seriously relieved to see the result. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I’m scared to have another baby. I almost died, having Mj. I hemorrhaged, passed out, and woke up with a team of doctors and nurses working over me. I lost my first baby boy, in my second trimester. My next was born over 2 months early. My last, I had to go in and get shots in my hip, every single week, to help me keep her in longer. I still wound up spending 5 months on bed rest, and half a dozen trips to the hospital, because I’d started having contractions. Don’t get me wrong, my babies are WORTH IT! If I found out another one was coming, I would immediately love him or her, too. It’s just, I have taken several steps to ensure that another baby doesn’t happen. The only thing I was sorry about, was Jackie’s disappointment. Also, Adam had seemed to be expecting a positive result. I’m not sure whether he was being encouraging, and sounding like he might be pretty okay with it, because he wanted to comfort me? Or, was he disappointed, when my test wasn’t positive?

My relief lasted a whole day. Yesterday, I felt “off”. Bloated, moody, and my boobs ached bad enough, it had kept me up during the night before. Wyatt had a baseball game, and I was scheduled to work in the concession stand. I sucked it up, put on a smile, and went to his game. Adam came, after he’d gotten off from work, to relieve my concession duties. Mj and I went home, and made supper. I just heated up some frozen pizzas. It was almost 9:00pm, by the time Adam and Wyatt got home. Adam knew I was feeling crummy. He held me, and rubbed my back, in the shower. When we got in bed, he pulled me over, on top of him, and softly ran his fingertips up and down my back. I couldn’t stay like that for as long as I’d have liked to. My dang boobs are sore. That’s when Adam realized they were bothering me. He told me he wants me to go see the doctor.

This morning, I felt crappy enough that I’d fully intended to call and make an appointment. After I’d been up a few hours, I’d started feeling better. The only thing is, I’m still a little crampy. Also, my boobs still hurt, but I don’t think it’s as bad as the last couple days. I don’t feel tired and miserable, though, like I did yesterday. I suspect it’s just a weird month, and my period will come any day. I have one more pregnancy test. If I haven’t gotten my period, by Friday morning, I’m going to take it. Then, providing the test is negative, I’ll go see the doc if I don’t get my period by the time the next one is due. It’s TMI, but I am incredibly “regular”. I’ve kept track on my health app, since 2014. 24-26 days between periods, like clockwork, always. I did have some weird “spotting” for a couple days, about a week and a half after my last period, though. I honestly attributed that to the vigorous sex Adam and I’d had, the night before it began. It wasn’t anything like a typical period is, so I was sure that was the cause? Maybe that’s why I’m late? Maybe it wasn’t caused by what I’d thought it was, and my body is just out of whack, all the sudden? I’ve also had no problems providing natural lubrication, in the bedroom. Vaginal dryness is a sign you’re starting to run low on eggs, and beginning menopause. My sex drive is 100% in tact. I’ve never had a “hot flash” before. On the contrary, I’m cold until it’s at least 75 degrees. So, who knows what’s goin on with me??

I’m definitely not pregnant, for now.

Nooo Freaking Way

I haven’t mentioned it here, but I’ve been slightly concerned. My period is more than a week late. I feel like I’ve been PMS’ing. I know I’ve been hormonal as hell. I’ve even been a little crampy. Still, not even a hint of the period I was expecting to arrive. I’m just past my “mid 30’s”, now. I’m too young for menopause. I’m also not exactly prepared to be pregnant, again. My period is always like clockwork, though. I’ve kept track, through an app on my phone, for years. This is the first time it’s been off. I haven’t taken any pregnancy tests. Adam is aware, because he knows my cycle, probably better than I do. Still, I’m convinced it’s got to be a weird month. Maybe I’m messed up because of Jackie and my sister? I should probably go ahead and schedule a doctors visit. I guess I’m in denial, right now. Neither of the options explaining my period’s absence are particularly appealing, to me. All I know, is this is not at all “normal” for me.

Justin and Jackie came over. We played cornhole, out back. Jackie and I won, of course. I found a bird nest, up under our deck, that had baby birds in it.

Adam lifted me, so I could see if any baby birds were inside the nest. Sure enough, there were some in there.

It’s barely 7:00pm, and I’m exhausted. Yet another reason I’m concerned. This is certainly not like me. I’m absolutely convinced this is just a weird hormonal thing. There’s no way I could be pregnant. No freaking way…

Live it up for the Weekend

And I’mma live it up for the weekend
Pour it up, have the time of your life
Take a shot for the regrets
Double up and it’s bound to get buck wild
Hey ladies, let your hair down
We know ain’t nobody scared now, hell nah
Just do your thing like it’s spring break
Wake and bake and we’re at it again
We live it up for the weekend

~Brantley Gilbert

We played games downstairs, with the kids. After they went upstairs, Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I played ping pong awhile. Then, we went up and played a card game. Adam and Wyatt are outside cutting the grass. I ran a couple errands, and now waiting for Justin and Jackie to get here. We’re going to sit outside, hang out, play cornhole, and then find some mischief (as usual).

I also got my dining chairs recovered. I didn’t remember to take before photos, but here’s the after.

Also, my baby niece, Pj, is getting SO big!! She’s starting to sit herself up.

I don’t have much else to write about. Thought I’d share some pictures to speak words for me 😊

Southern Potato Salad

(My version)

You need 4-6 potatoes. I prefer the Yukon gold ones, for potato salad. Russet works also, though.

About 1 cup of mayonnaise

About 1 Tbs yellow mustard

Sweet pickle relish. It HAS to be the sweet relish. I put in 3-4 Tbs.

4 hard boiled eggs (chopped)

About 1/2 cup finely chopped celery

1-2 teaspoons of sugar

Paprika

Peel, dice, and boil potatoes, until tender. About 20 minutes. Drain. Mix in mayo, mustard, sweet relish, eggs, sugar, and celery. Sprinkle with paprika. Refrigerate. That’s it!

Also, looks like plans have already changed. Justin and Jackie are heading over here. We’re going to hang out for awhile, tonight. 😊

Wink

~Neal McCoy

This song came on, and I always think of my babies, when I hear it! It was their last day of school, a couple years ago. They’d had a “field day”, where they played outdoor games, water balloon fights, just a fun last day before summer break. I always come to play and watch, with them. When we left, my soaking wet kiddos sat in the back of the car, wrapped in a “Paw Patrol” beach towel, and a sports themed one. We were jamming out to music, and they were just so happy. I can still see and hear them singing their hearts out, “Slam bam I’m feelin’ alright. Troubles take a hike in the blink of an eye. No need to psycho analyze or have a stiff drink. All she’s gotta do is just gimmie that wink.” My son’s favorite song, is Morgan Wallen, “Sand in my Boots”. Mj’s is “My Truck”, or anything by Jason Aldean. Still, every time we hear “Wink”, we all have to sing it together, and remember that magical day.

We’re already fixing to end the kids’ school year. Only one more month of school left, before it’s summer break, again. I absolutely love spending summers with my babies. Still, I can’t be wishing time away. There’s so precious few summers we get with our kids. If I measure our time into summers, it’s just not long enough. I really do hope that they will hear the song “Wink”, and always think back to the same day that I do. I know I will never forget. I just love those beautiful babies so damn much!

It’s been a rainy, cool day. Only mid 60’s outside, but it’s still 78 inside, and humid as I’ll get out. I’m just making fried chicken sandwiches for supper, tonight. I’ve got some French fries, to go with. It’s just going to be Adam, the kids, and I hanging out, tonight. I think we’re going to play a family card game, with the kids. Stay home and have a quiet evening. Tomorrow, we’re planning to hang outside here, with Justin and Jackie. It’s supposed to be sunny, and around 70 degrees. We’re hoping to play some cornhole games, and maybe a card game or two, later on.

I’ve got some potatoes that I need to use up. I think I’m going to make potato salad. Maybe we can have it with whatever we decide to make for supper, tomorrow. I’ll share how I make my potato salad in a separate post. Pretty sure I haven’t done that, yet?

I sure don’t have much else to write about, today. It’s been a fairly mundane kind of day here! I got excited, when Adam noticed how tan my legs were looking, last night. I’m sooo ready for it to be summer! We’re definitely getting summer humidity back. I don’t mind it. I love everything about summertime. Swimming pools. Tanned legs. Nights out back. Lots of barbecuing. Spending everyday with my babies, and finding fun with them. It’s all my favorite. Christmas is my most favorite holiday, but July 4 (Independence Day) is a very close second. We’ve already talked about what we’re planning to do, this July.

Broken Window Serenade

A couple of pretty flowers
Is what I brought to you
I saw you through a broken window
With a different point of view

You had signs of depression
From a long line of sin
And your face tells a story
Bout the places you have been
I loved you so
I thought you should know

And you feed your addiction
With your crystal meth
And I plead for your life
As it takes you to your death

You make your deal with the devil
As your looks begin to fade
I saw you laughin through the tears
As you slowly slipped away
I watched you go
I thought you should know
Yeah I watched you go
I thought you should know

A couple of pretty flowers is what I brought to you
I saw you through a broken window
With a different point of view…

~Whiskey Myers

Sometimes, the lyrics in a good song do a better job of saying what I’m feeling, than I could. Besides my mother, I’ve watched as several old friends lost everything to addiction. I have also seen more than one friend beat their addiction. You can’t begin to heal your addiction, until you acknowledge it, though. This is why I’m confident my mother won’t. While I wish that could be her story, one that I might even be able to write in again, I very much doubt it. Unfortunately, she’s just too far gone. This is why I’ve wished she’d died, instead of “lived” like this. I can’t put into words how difficult it is to lose a parent. To lose them, but they’re still here. To “lose” her, because she left me. I mean, maybe she never really was with me, anyway? I had such high hopes for us, though. Naive? Ignorant? Selfish? Maybe. But, I had so hoped we’d have a healthy relationship after she’d straightened up, years ago. She never apologized for my childhood. I forgave her, anyway. I did it, because she’d begun to show up for me. I truly believed I mattered, for awhile. I long for that feeling. Being assured that I’m loved. I’m enough. That she might even think I’m great. To know that my mom is proud of me.

If she ever did care, she definitely doesn’t anymore. I’m not sure I can do a good job explaining this, but I’m going to try. While she was here, in my city, I’d worried that she’d try to come to my house. I’d spent those days on edge. Once she was gone, back to where she lives now, I didn’t feel relief. Instead of taking that deep breath, celebrating that stress coming to an end, I felt sad. It hurt me. As much as I didn’t want to have my psychotic, screwed up mother show up at my door, I was deflated when she didn’t. She didn’t even try. She didn’t want to see me. I don’t know how many times I have to be told, I don’t give a shit about you, until I’ll be able to accept that she doesn’t. Logically, I get it. There’s still this little girl inside me, who’s pleading for her mama to want her. I simply cannot rationalize how a mother could do this to her child. I would fight until my last breath, for my babies. I wish I had a mama willing to fight for me…

Thankfully, what I do have, is some amazing people who are here for me. While it’s impossible to replace the missing piece my mother has taken, my life is very full. I’m blessed with a whole lot of love and support. We had a great evening, with Justin and Jackie. We sat out on the deck, enjoying the beautiful weather, and a couple drinks. Adam was running a little late, so I’d offered to go ahead and start the bacon, for our BLT’s. This was his response,

He cooked the bacon, when he got home, and our supper was delicious. Justin and Jackie left around 9:00pm, and then Adam and I went to take our shower. I was in a silly mood. I’m also PMS’ing. I can get a little bitchy, quickly. I didn’t intend to be quite so difficult, but I kinda was. I challenged him on literally everything he said to me. I did this gesture, where you take your thumb to your mouth and flick upward. “I bite my thumb at you” kind of thing. Adam didn’t know what that meant, so I started laughing. This is the point where he had had enough. I could see it immediately. He knew I’d done something offensive, but not exactly what. He wanted me to explain, but I didn’t particularly want to do that, at this point. He was getting angry with me, so I told him. It’s pretty much a different way to flip someone off. I also mentioned that I wished I hadn’t shown him, or told him what it means, so that I could’ve used that the next time he annoys me. I was a little bit arrogant, in the way I talked to him. He noticed. He informed me I’d crossed the line, and he’d had enough. Even then, I wasn’t exactly willing to humble myself, yet. The stubborn in me was taking over. I’d started out only intending to make Adam laugh. Instead, I’d insulted and disrespected him. I know I recognized this, but I wasn’t ready to admit it. I pushed back pretty hard, continuing to allow every single thought I had escape my lips. Adam got very quiet.

When we got out of the shower, Adam handed me the towel I wrap around my hair, and then wrapped a big towel around my body, like he always does. I continued to have an attitude, while we dried off and got our night clothes on. Albeit, a much less intensely disrespectful one. He gave me his sideways grin, and told me I’d find out what he thought in a little bit. He said I wasn’t going to sleep very comfortably, tonight (last night). I glared at him, and told him I had much more fun plans for him. I said I wouldn’t be in any mood for it (sex), if he busted my butt. He said it was a sacrifice he was willing to make, for the greater good. Then, he walked over to me, and spanked me hard and fast, at least 10-15 times. I dropped to the floor, after he released me. I looked up at him and asked him, “Are you done now?!” He walked toward me, with his hand held out for me to grab hold of, so he could help me up from the floor. As he pulled me upright, he told me, “Not even close.” This was when I knew, for certain, he was serious.

We tucked the kids into their beds, and brushed our teeth. I took my sweet time applying lotion to my arms and legs. I put all my face products on. I walked over to my nightstand, by the bed, and put on my lip mask moisturizer that I use every night. Adam was laying in bed. I climbed in, next to him. He put his arm under me, and pulled me closer to him. I thought, for a second, maybe he won’t spank me anymore tonight, now? That thought was barely finished, when he interrupted, asking if I was ready. I gave him a pitiful look, as to silently try and prevent what was coming. In one quick motion, he had flipped me onto my belly. He pulled the t-shirt I was wearing up, my panties down, and spanked me as hard and fast as he had done earlier. I tried to wiggle away, but he had me pinned down good, this time. Just as I was about to cry out, he stopped. I was so relieved it was over, or so I thought. He lectured me, in his stern “dad” voice. That’s what the kids call it, when he’s stern like that. I didn’t hesitate to give him the responses he was looking for, after each question asked. I hoped maybe he would let me up, if I stopped trying to challenge him. It didn’t work. He gave me another painful round of smacks on my backside. This one was even worse than the others had been. I cried, “owwwwwieee”. I know that’s a super childish thing to say, but it’s what often comes flying from my mouth, when something really hurts. That, and “golly”, when I’m frustrated, but don’t want to curse. Finally, Adam released me from his grip. He laid back down. I rolled over and sunk my head into his chest. He wrapped his arm around me, once more, and we went to sleep. Indeed, I did sleep fitfully. Lots of tossing and turning, through last night. At one point, my sleep was interrupted, when Adam patted my butt. It was just one “love tap”, but I immediately cried “OWIEE”. That light little smack actually did hurt, too. Woke me right up from my sleep. He let out a quiet giggle. I refused to say anything more. He just pulled me closer to him, and we went back to sleep.

I need to apologize for my behavior, last night. I need to let him know I am sorry. The dawn of a new day, often shines a different perspective on a situation. I’m clearly seeing how crappy I was treating him, in the shower. I was a bratty, mouthy, cocky wife. Not my best moment. Definitely not how I want to be toward my husband. Submitting isn’t always natural and easy. Sometimes, it’s hard. Even when it’s something I want to do, the temptation to buck against it remains an issue for me, every so often.

You Are my [People]

I like the way you keep it simple
Light shining in through the window
Waking me up

Hey, let’s go, walking on the sidewalk
I’ll listen to you talk, whenever you want

You are my person, You are the light of a thousand suns
You are everything I ever wanted
You are the one that I love

~Kyle Andrews

Yesterday ended up being crazy busy. I decided to seriously deep clean Adam and my bathroom. I scrubbed every tile, and the grout in between them. I cleaned the jets in our bathtub. I washed walls, and all the baseboards. I cleaned the cabinets, counter, and sinks. I wiped the mirror clean. I cleaned every surface of that bathroom. It wound up taking me two hours. Just as I was finishing up, Jackie, my sister, and baby Pj walked in. They decided to pop over. I talked to them, and played with Pj. After they left, I washed all the main floor windows. Then, the kids got home from school. I’d promised my daughter I’d take her up to a store near us, so we went there. When we got back home, it was time for me to start supper. After supper, Adam and I sat out on our deck. I watered all my flowers, we took a shower, and went to bed.

Today’s a little less hectic. I picked up some groceries, cleaned the kitchen, put away some laundry. It’s kind of stuffy, today. It says it’s only 84 degrees out, but it’s humid. My favorite thing to wear, when it’s hot, is a sundress. I just got some new ones, too. I’d mentioned how I wanted more of them, to Adam. He told me to go get some. He didn’t have to tell me twice!

We’re having BLT’s tonight, for supper. I do love to cook, but bacon is always Adam’s thing. I hate cooking bacon. Adam doesn’t mind. So, that’s become his job, when we need some bacon cooked. Jackie and Justin are planning to come by, later this evening. They’d asked if we wanted to sit out, if they stopped by, last night. It was already getting late though, and Adam and I were both tired. We asked if we could reschedule that for tonight, instead.

We literally always have fun! I love these people so much!

If you’ve ever seen that TV show, “Roseanne”, you’ll know who “Jackie” was. We’ve called my Jackie “Jackie”, for years, because of that show. Although it’s not her real name, it’s used a lot. I get so much joy in seeing my best friend happy. Justin has been such a blessing. We love him like family now, too. He’s one of “my people”. I’m ready for it to be the weekend again, so we can find some new shenanigans together!

Catch Hell

You can get it right. Run up, catch hell, take this L. You can get it right.

~Adam Calhoun

Saturday evening, Jackie and Justin came over. We spent the evening out back, playing cornhole, and being silly. Jackie had started to feel lightheaded, and like her heart was racing. It was, too. Her Apple Watch alerted to it. After they left, Jackie passed out. Justin brought her straight to the ER. Jackie has a lot of allergies, and asthma issues. Covid seriously messed up her lungs. They didn’t do much, at the ER, except to get her set up with a specialist. I hate it, that she has to fight so many health issues.

We weren’t sure if they’d still want us to come there, Sunday afternoon. Jackie said she felt much better, so we went. Justin smoked ribs, a chicken, and brats. It was very yummy! I think he’s enjoying making different foods on his smoker, and sharing with everyone. 😊

The kids had a fun weekend, too! Wyatt got to stay over at a friends house. Mj had her best friend, T, stay overnight here. Everybody was ready for bed early, last night!

I shared my blog post, from Friday, with Adam. That’s been helpful, for both of us, that I can write out things, and then let him read my thoughts. Last night, as we were brushing our teeth, Adam said I’d rolled my eyes at him. I honestly didn’t think I had! I told him so. Then, he said he’d seen it, and I knew what was gonna happen. That’s when I did start to roll my eyes, in annoyance. I stopped myself, mid way. I’d caught myself. He caught me, too. I still don’t know if I really did roll my eyes at him, that first time he says I did? It’s not that easy, to control facial expressions that I’ve been making for most of my life. After we left our bathroom, and began to get ready for bed, Adam came around to my side of the bed. I absolutely was not trying to find trouble, last night, but I guess I did anyway. He picked me up, laid me on the bed, held his hand on my back, and spanked me pretty damn hard. I suppose my blog post I’d shared with him, is the reason he decided to be certain to let me know, he “meant it”. Pretty sure I got that message. Since he doesn’t want me to flip him off, even in silliness, I’ve been trying new things. I’d shaped my fingers into a “W”, to signal “whatever”, the other day. He didn’t much care for that either, though. He didn’t spank me, but he issued a warning. One thing I have done, that doesn’t bother him, is sign “I love you”, with my hand. I’ve done that a few times, recently, even when I found him annoying.

Today, I’m feeling pretty good. I washed all our bedding, and hung it out to dry. I cleaned the kitchen. I bought this stuff called “barkeepers friend”. I cleaned all our stainless steel appliances, with it. It works magic! The reviews are no joke! It cleaned my glass stovetop and sinks really well, too! I vacuumed and swept all the floors. I’m fixing to mop. Decided to take a little break, and write here.

Adam is grilling pork chops for us, this evening. I’d text and asked if he’d be home in time, or should I just put them in the oven? He said “I got it”. So, we’re getting grilled pork chops. 😋 I’m going to be making scalloped potatoes, and cutting up some fruit. I’ve got pineapple, cantaloupe, strawberries, and watermelon. I should bake some cookies, for Adam and the kids. They haven’t had those, for awhile. The kids love when they get home from school, and smell fresh baked treats. I want them to always remember those kind of days, when they were kids, coming home to their mama having baked them something yummy. Maybe they’ll think of me, when they’re enjoying those same smells, one day, after they’re grown.

Right now, I Really Need a Beer with my Friends

We’ve been SO busy! Last night, Justin and Jackie hung out with us. We played some cornhole. Jackie and I won most all the games, of course. Then, we came inside and played some new games they’d brought. It was a lot of silly, and loads of fun!

The card I drew said everyone at the table had to drink from one of my body parts. The boys got my hands…I had JUST washed my hands. Justin teased, if they didn’t smell like lavender something, he’d be pissed. I told him, they DO! Jackie insisted on a “belly shot” 😆

Adam and I got up, and he took Oliver for a run. Then, we took showers, and got ready to head into Nashville. Our friend was having an egg hunt, for all the kids. He used to live behind us, before we moved. Mj’s best friend (T), is his daughter. Wyatt is staying the night, in our old neighborhood, with a friend of his. We brought T home with us. We just got home. Now, Adam is lighting the grill. We’re fixing to have Justin and Jackie over and BBQ. I’m hoping to play cornhole again. The weather is iffy. It was 86 degrees all afternoon, but a storm looks to be rolling in. If we can’t be outside, I’m sure we’ll find fun inside.

That’s about all the excitement I have to write about, for today!

Blurred Lines

I was listening to a podcast, this morning. A husband and wife discuss their relationship, and their own take on discipline within their marriage. It really struck me, hearing them talk about “maintenance spankings”. For me, I’ve always kind of felt it would be cruel if Adam seriously spanked me, and I’d crossed no boundaries to deserve it. I thought it would devastate me, if I’d done nothing wrong, but he punished me as if I had. Wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose? As I continued to listen to this couple, I heard some explanations I hadn’t truly considered before. The wife talked about how, when she hadn’t broken any rules in awhile, she’d start to doubt whether her husband was still “in this” with her. She’d begin to consider acting out on purpose, just to make sure he was still paying attention. Obviously, that’s not a good idea. Still, I can relate. The husband also mentioned something I hadn’t thought of. He said it made him feel more confident and capable that he could hold her accountable, when necessary, if they “maintained” their “dynamic”. I wondered if Adam has struggled with this? Until yesterday, I hadn’t been in serious trouble, in 3 months! I have rolled my eyes, flipped him off, things like that. He hasn’t spanked me in that “I MEAN IT, don’t do that again” kind of way, though. Not for those things. If he does really “mean it”, I haven’t gotten that message. I know he doesn’t like it, when I’m disrespectful in how I act or speak, but it doesn’t come across as the kind of things that get me in serious trouble with him. Even last night, I didn’t feel that he was genuinely that upset with me. The spanking didn’t hurt much at all. While, in the moment, I’m grateful, I think it does send mixed messages. He doesn’t want to be a jerk. I’ve been pretty damn good, for quite awhile. Adam wants to show me he appreciates that. On the other hand, I wind up wondering whether, or not, he was really serious. I tell myself he didn’t care that much. Maybe he was just trying to scare me. I mean, I spent hours wondering and worrying about what he would do, when he came home. When it turns out to be not too big a deal, that’s exactly how I take it. What I did was not that big a deal.

I don’t enjoy making my husband upset. I hate disappointing him. Having his hand leave bruises on my butt, that I can feel for days, that’s not fun. I don’t ever purposely look for that kind of trouble. I think, well…I know, I sometimes intentionally push his “smaller” buttons, though. The ones that I assume are no big deal. Rolling my eyes, for example. I hadn’t thought much about it, until now. I think I need to know he’s still got me. He’s still here. He’s still watching out for me, and for us.

I don’t necessarily think that “maintenance” spanking is for me. I can’t imagine I would respond well, to feeling punished for being good. I always love his playful smacks! I don’t want to get more than that without deserving it, though. I do wonder if a part of me doesn’t act out, because I don’t take him seriously. If I break one of our rules, and walk out of “the office” smiling, I clearly didn’t feel there was very much “bite”, behind Adam’s “bark”.

I don’t mean to suggest that I think Adam’s weak. He’s not! In fact, he is so strong, he is able to control his emotions. He is able to use the “tools” that he knows will actually work on me. He doesn’t raise his voice to me. He isn’t cruel. He’s careful to always remind me he loves me, even when he’s angry. Those things make me respect the hell out of my husband. I just have a hard time knowing exactly where his “line” is, sometimes. Was he goofing around? Was he just enjoying making me worry about whether he was serious, but he wasn’t really? Did he fucking mean it, but he kept his hard hand gentle, because he didn’t want to be a jerk? After all, I had been pretty damn good, lately. I think?